Dear Kith and Kin of the Wunderfamily,
Once again the time has come for our annual Christmas letter. As usual, this year our family did our humble little part to serve our fellow man and beast. Carolyn spearheaded a campaign to spare our ovine friends from unscrupulous shearers. Wearing the spandex uniforms of the Wunderfamily we united and chained ourselves to sheep. Some wily folk attempted to point out that shearing is in fact good for the animal but we were not to be lightly dissuaded by the oily lies of slippery representatives of OPEC (Ovine Pelt Exploitation Cabal). Naturally we spent our spring break in the slums and tenements of Johannesburg South Africa tending to impoverished invalids -- nothing new there. Poor George caught a bit of a sniffle. We were a trifle worried at first, for as some of you may recall from last year's letter, he is of a sickly constitution. However he bravely continued to bandage lepers and when his cough was diagnosed as tuberculosis he refused treatment but kept right on staggering out to aid his fellow man. Dear little tyke.
Alas, this year we were unable to uphold our tradition of participation in the Olympics. As you closer friends doubtless know, the Wunderfamily traditionally represents Togo (capital: Lom*, for those of you with a weakness for geography) in the bobsled competition and we have taken gold for the last three Winter Olympics. Incidentally, we use our medals as coasters. We feel that displaying them would encourage visitors to worship false idols and place an inappropriate degree of esteem on us for mere physical feats. Please folks, remember we're just like your family! However, this year our little band of heroes was unable to participate because we are missing dear George. He is in Canada which is a country a lot like the United States only in a wacky metric mix-up some Canadians think it is actually bigger than our very own U.S. of A! As if! As though that weren't kooky enough, he is in Quebec, a province that wants to secede. Uh, hello? Yeah, the South tried that in 1861, so don't think you're being original or anything. Anyway folks, check your atlas and see if you can find Canada on a map! Fun for the whole family! For at least 30 seconds!
Peter has found a cure for cancer but has flatly refused to share the life-saving information out of reasons that could only be described as mercenary and self-serving. Once again he was offered the Nobel Prize for Mathematics but the trophy case in Deady hall is pretty full so out of consideration for his colleagues he asked that the medal be melted down and the money be donated to found a center for penguins and armadillos with identity crises.
With her new black belt in Karate Carolyn has been asked to star in Karate Kid IV: Revenge of the Soccer Mom. Although some have criticized it as a senseless excuse for bloody vengeance against innocent suburbanites, Carolyn maintains that it explores interpersonal relationships and issues of loss and grief. Of course we support her every endeavor, but if I we were you I wouldn't take the kiddies to see it.
Our other child has met with success academically in a sense. In June she graduated from high school and we are vastly relieved. We choose not to measure her by the world's standards because we want her to feel like she isn't a failure. Whatever her intellectual inadequacies she makes a pretty keen superhero, as she continues to lead our nightly crime fights. She takes an excessively worldly interest in fashion so she designs both our spandex Wunderfamily outfits and the wardrobes for our civilian alter-egos. Of course both spandex and mufti conform to the highest standards of modesty and taste. In the interest of fairness, this year the other child would like to claim credit for composing our annual fact-free newsletter. As it is written in third person it can be easy to give her the shaft just because she isn't as smart as the rest of the family and she tends to fade into the background but oh no, she doesn't mind being the Wunderfamily Wallflower.
As always our modest little family wishes to thank you for your inspiring if impersonal newsletters. It can be tempting to feel inadequate when we compare the lies we are forced to publish about ourselves with everyone else's actual achievements. However, lest you dismiss this letter out of hand with nary a second glance go ahead and see if you can find the six facts in this newsletter (they are listed at the bottom of the page, so check your answers)! Seasons Greetings, Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Sunny Solstice and as always, have a Special Kwanzaa.
With Love,