Faculty Productivity

The following memo was provided courtesy of A. Zweig. It has been slightly modified.

The dean of the (*) school was given a ticket to attend Shubert's Unfinished Symphony. The next day, the dean produced the following memo concerning productivity:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.
3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.
4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony..