French Intellectuals to be Deployed to Afghanistan (Reuters)
The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of al-Qaeda by proving the non-existence of God.
Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or "Black Berets", will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential "anomie" among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris' Left Bank, their first action will be to establish a number of pavement Cafes at strategic points near the front lines.
There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.
The brigade leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated wildly and said, "The al-Qaeda are caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous. There is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking."
Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating freedom of action with special reference to the work of Foucault and the films of Alfred Hitchcock.
However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as inhumane, pointing out that the effects of second hand smoke from the Frenchmen's endless Gauloise cigarettes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.
Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also contribute
to the effort by dropping Professor Stephen Hawking into Afghanistan to
propagate his non-deistic theory of the creation of the universe. Other
tactics to demonstrate the non-existence of God will include the dropping
of leaflets pointing out the fact that Michael Jackson has a new album
out and Jesse Helms has not died yet. This is only one of several Psy-Op
operations mounted by the Allies.
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