Humorous Disclaimers Based on Our Modern Knowledge of Physics and the Universe

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend in legislation requiring the prominent placement of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics. We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of required warnings is as follows:

Matter warps space
Einstein's General Theory of Relativity

WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.

All matter is attracted by all other matter, and vice-versa
Newton's Law of Universal Gravitation

CAUTION: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the Universe, including products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them.

E=m c²
Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity

DANGER: The mass of this product contains the energy of 85 Million Tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.

Matter is made of atoms, containing electrons which are in constant motion
Bohr's atomic model

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of 500,000,000 miles per hour.

At the atomic level, a particle's position and speed cannot be simulatenously determined
Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," it is impossible for the consumer to determine at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving, despite any manufacturer's claims to the contrary.

The interaction of objects is a probabilistic process,
Illustrated at the subatomic level by the "tunneling" of an alpha particle from the nucleus
Quantum Theory

PUBLIC ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as "Tunneling," this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the Universe, including your neighbor's Domicile. The manufacturer will not be held responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.

All nuclei are expected to decay eventually
Grand Unified Theories

READ BEFORE OPENING: According to certain suggested versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next 400 Billion Years.

When matter and anti-matter come into contact, they annihilate in energy
Dirac Theory of anti-matter

EXTREME DANGER: THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT! Contact with antimatter in any form will result in a catastrophic explosion.

The disorder of the Universe always increases
(the Universe never becomes more ordered)
Second Law of Thermodynamics

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the Universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this will ultimately lead to the heat death of the Universe.

The nucleus of the atom is held together by the exchange of gluons
Quantum Chromodynamics

NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a gluing force about which little is known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed.

The atom is mostly empty space
Bohr model of the atom

ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.

The Universe has more than four dimensions
(Only four are large enough to be perceived)
Supergravity Theory

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this product is ten dimensional. However, the consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and beyond those applicable to three dimensional objects, since the seven extra dimensions are "rolled up" into such a small "area" that they cannot be detected.

The quantum state of a subatomic particle cannot be specified unless it is observed (measured)
Quantum Physics

BEWARE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or may only exist in a vague and undetermined state.

All subatomic particles of a particular type (eg. electrons) are indistiguishable
Quantum Physics

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons, quarks, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.

The mass of matter increases when matter is in motion
Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity

CAUTION: Care should be taken when lifting or otherwise moving this product since its mass and thus its weight are dependent on its velocity relative to the user.

If the Universe contains enough matter to close it, it will eventually re-collapse
Einstein's General Theory of Relativity

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO CONSUMERS: The entire physical Universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another Universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that Universe cannot be guaranteed.

(from Volume 36, Number 1 of The Journal of Irreproducible Results. Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.)