>8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
>6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
>7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
>"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here
are this year's winners.
1 - Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding a stupid
person that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2 - Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for
the purpose of getting laid.
3 - Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4 - Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5 - Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6 - Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you
are running late.
7 - Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
8 - Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got
extra credit.)
9 - Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10- Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that are good for
you.
11- Glibido: All talk and no action.
12- Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13- Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14- Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito
that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast
out.
15- Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
16- And the pick of the literature: Ignoranus: A
person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Everyday Insights:
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
In a recent study, the government administered weekly doses of Viagra to an equal number of doctors and lawyers. While most of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller. Researchers are at a loss to explain.
There were three American Indian women. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Back in the 1800's, the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that, although their watches were of the finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of young seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. The best place to find them was in the state next to his, so he drove there, trapped quite a few, and drove his truck back towards his lab. As soon as he crossed into his own state a state trooper pulled him over. The biologist asked the trooper what was wrong... he had been traveling under the speed limit.
The trooper responded, "mister, your under arrest for transporting young gulls across state line for immortal porpoises."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying:
"I must have taken Leif off my census."
There was once a land of the Trids, which were Jewish elf-like creatures that lived over a bridge. These Trids were very industrious and went over the bridge every day to town for work, and then back over the bridge again on the way home. There was foul ogre who lived under this bridge and it was a well know fact that in oder to pass over his bridge, he would have to kick each Trid as the toll charge. Now, one day a rabbi came to the land of the Trids for a holiday. He had heard of this ogre and the rule about crossing his bridge. But when the rabbi got there, the ogre was nowehere in sight, so he walked half way over the bridge. From the middle of the bridge, the rabbi spotted the ogre kicking back underneath it with his hands behind his head and a piece of straw in his mouth. The rabbi said to him, "Aren't you supposed to kick whoever crosses your bridge?"
The ogre lazily looked up at him and said, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the league records were destroyed in a fire.
Thus, we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know
their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were seventy three million
years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years
ago."
Top ten ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college students
10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.
9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and
written in a large font.
8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria
food.
6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes
2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They
didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the
seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due
and then pulled an all-nighter.
The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Michigan quarters.
"We are recalling all of the new Michigan quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."
"We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Skackelford. The winning design for the Michigan quarter was submitted by a Northern Michigan University student William Doutrieux.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices." (gotta love those UP'ers!)
Extremely helpful, down-to-earth advice! (: Enjoy....
========================================
Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a
hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
(Courtesy of Clair)
A pirate walks into a bar, and everybody turns and looks at him because he has something huge and discus-shaped stuffed in his pants. The bartender asks, "sir, what is that in your pants?"
"T'is the steering wheel to me ship," sighs the pirate.
"Well, what in the heck is it doing in your pants?" the bartender exclaims.
"Aargh," groans the pirate, "t'is driving me nuts!"
A Get Fuzzy strip recommended by Cassandra.
Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of
Life Really Are...
You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and
shouldn't, use the duct tape.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital
relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to potty.
If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have
another chance!
And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and
Friends. You never know when you are going to need
them to empty your bedpan!
Quick Joke (courtesy of Brian Ford)
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand
new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong
sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound,
and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, "For God's
sake, you as*hole...it's 3:30 in the morning!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Issac Newton1: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
Issac Newton2: It was pushed on the road.
Issac Newton3: It was pushed on the road by another chicken, which went away from the road.
Issac Newton4: It was attracted to a chicken on the other side of the road.
Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... what? (Oh man, this is so bad, it's good)
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
EVER WONDER (courtesy of Leisha)
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
THE DOPPLER EFFECT
Q: What's the easiest way to SEE the Doppler effect?
A: Go outside in the evening and watch cars go by on the street. Their lights are white or yellow when they approach, but they are red when they are moving away of you.
And so it was to be, that after the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply."
The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind. When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."
Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber therefrom
And he saw that it was good.
The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. Noah and the snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.
An engineer dies. He arrives at the Pearly Gates, but they don't let him in, so he goes to Hell. Hell is a pretty rotten environment. Right away, the engineer starts making improvements-lights, bathrooms, air conditioning-and after a while, Hell doesn't look so bad any more. God notices this, and asks the Devil what's going on.
"Well, it's this engineer we've got," says the Devil.
"Engineer?? You're not supposed to have any engineers in Hell!" says God. "There must have been a mistake. All engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here, right away!"
"No way," says the Devil. "We're keeping him here."
"I'll sue!!" cries God.
"Yeah, right," sneers the Devil. "Where you gonna get a lawyer??"
THE SECRET OF ANTIGRAVITY...
If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.
But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?
Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.
That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.
Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.
The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.
Scientists this week decoded the first confirmed alien transmission from
outer space. Here is the text of the message that they decoded:
"This really works! Just send 5*10^50 atoms of hydrogen to each of the five
star systems listed below. Then, add your own system to the top of the
list, delete the system at the bottom, and send out copies of this message
to 100 other solar systems. If you follow these instructions, within 0.25
of a galactic rotation you are guaranteed to receive enough hydrogen in
return to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!"
Course Description: P101 - Freshperson Physics (formerly "Freshman Physics"): Toward a Higher Awareness
Traditional Eurocentric physics must be excised if students are to achieve higher consciousness. The restrictive ideology of Newton, with its emphasis on action and reaction, is exposed as reactionary propaganda, used for centuries to oppress indigenous peoples and institutionalize fear and hate. The prohibitive, traditional "laws" of physics must be rejected in favor of new models that foster tolerance, empowerment, and social justice. Under the old order, radical conservative forces have imposed "conservative" laws restricting the use of energy, mass, momentum, and electrical charge. Rather than conserving such forces and powers, they must be increased and made available to all people, regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation. Students are instructed in the revolutionary New Physics and are encouraged to promote awareness through demonstrations and other media events.