I,..

Last
Chance
College
That yelloµi rag'

Vol. 1 No. -lx4¾y8 March 32, 19ought2

Cell Block 46, Salem Penitentiary

Torch editor finally gets just reward
by Sarah Jenkins
of The SCORCH

A mutilated body was found early
yesterday in the LCC east parking lot.
According to campus authorities, it was
several hours before the corpse was
positively identified as Steve Myers, former
TORCH editor.
At press time, several suspects are still
being questioned by Security Officers but
no charges have been brought against
.
anyone yet.
The official cause of death has not yet
been released, although authorities will
admit that foul play was involved. "Looks
like they tried to kill him eight or nine
times," Detective Paul Trace, the school's
crack security enforcer, speculated. ''Whoever done this musta been really pissed."
Several clues have been identified on the
crime scene, but Trace refused to discuss
their importance to the case.
A large club of unrefined "deadwood"
was found close to the body, as was a
confidential Board of Education memo with
the word "Leak" scrawled across the top.
Leading away from the body were several

heavy military-type boot tracks. Laying
several yards away was a Marine Corps
recruiting pamphlet, along with a can of
beer and a piece of broken mirror.
Accordin~ to Trace, the mob in the
suspects' holding tank was not providing
any answers either. One harried-looking
woman shoved her way from the room
screaming something about being an
elected official, but this reporter was unable
to catch the full quote. When confronted
with the wooden club, this unidentified
Board of Education member denied ever
using the term deadwood, ever touching
deadwood, ever being deadwood or even
ever having tenure.
"Hell," she said with authority, "even if
I had done it, it would have only been a parttime thing to add quality to crime."
Another board member, also being held
as a suspect, admitted to talking with the
then-live Myers shortly before his death.
However, he believes he has an iron-clad
alibi which Trace is currently checking.
"I had arranged a meeting with Myers
and another reporter who also attends
board meetings and works for Eugene's
daily paper and who,s initials are M.S. but

who will not be named-by me,'' the nervous
board member explained. "But only Myers
showed up."
In conclusion, he said, ''I have nothing to
hide. I was acting solely in the public's
interest, with the will of the people in mind,
considering my responsibility as an elected
official. serving the citizens of this county,
with the true meaning of the people's right
to know heavily on my mind, in actions
deemed necessary to serve the purpose of
my office.
"Besides," he concluded, "this was
supposed to be all off the record.''
Another suspect cut the board member
short in his explanation. "That pushy little
pseudo-macho probably did it," the irate
woman said, "because Myers wouldn't
listen to his spiel."
Trace had not arrested this woman as a
suspect, but she demanded her equal rights
under the law so the security officers put
her in the same room as the suspects.
"We know that broad didn't have the
physical strength to do the kind of damage
we saw on the corpse," Trace explained,
gesturing towards the 210-pound former
Olympic women's shot put gold medalist,

'' but she said she'd file a discrimination suit
if we didn't arrest her."
Questioning of all suspects is continuing.
Trace believes that the murderer(s) should
be identified sometime prior to 1983, but
he's making no promises at this time.
"We expect a break in the case,'' he said,
"but any of these folks could have done it.
They all had motive, they all had opportunity, they all had possible weapons, they had
all read the TORCH ... "
Trace continued in the same vein for
several moments before concluding. "Boy,
I ain't never seen anything like this
before,'' he reiterated. ''They musta been
really, reeeea1ly, REEEEEALLY pissed!"
The investigation is still under way.

Militants claini
credit for 01urder
of TORCH editor
News analysis by Sarah Jenkins
Edited by Frank Babcock
Copyset by Judy Sonstefn
Proofread by Bob Weight
Laid out by Laree Ram
Straightened by Jack Ward
of The SCORCH

Death penalty sparkS successfulness
by Frank Babcock

of The SCORCH

.-.-

.

,...
....., :>;

/'"'~ ;•~
iii'.

·- - - - - - -

A prototype of Sparky Wyre's electric bleacher was recently tested on several
death-row inmates at an undisclosed prison. Photo by OSP#5278135.

Inside
whenever

The evening following Sparky Wyre' s graduation from LCC 's Electronics
Program was a night of horror - and a
night that set him , ultimately, on a
new, lucrative career .
' It was on the evening foUowi ng my
graduation from the electronics program at LCC," Wyre explains. " I'd
been to a party some friends had
thrown for me and when I got home
about 11 p.m., I found that my wife ,
four kids, my 87-year-old grandmother
and my dog had been murdered by a
burglar.''
Wyre was crushed. And for several
days he wandered about in a daze,
unable to cope with the tragedy that
had touched his life.
'' But about seven days after the
common funeral for my family, a friend
of mine called who was concerned

continued somewhere else

.......

The LCC PE Department is
offering a new one credit class,
'Urban Mountaineering,' for
Spring Term.

20

Entertainment Editor Michael Tenn
reviews the latest
film offerings from
A Dolt's World.

This morning LCC's newest right-wing
militant activist organization claimed responsibility for the grizzly murder of former
TORCH editor Steve Myers.
The Committee to Recall Myers, also
known as the SLA (Sara~'s Loving Admirers), announced to the media in an official
college memorandum that it had planned
and executed the gruesome crime. However, the memo did not give any indication
of motive.
According to Ina Ging, spokesperson
extraordinaire for KLCC radio, the memo
was copyset and waxed, and then stuck on
to Mass Communication Department letterhead paper.
Officials decline to say if this could give
them any clues to members of the
committee.
At press time, no members had been
identified. But this SCORCH reporter did
obtain an exclusive interview with one
higher-up on the TORCH staff who is known
to be sympathetic to the cause of the SLA.
Sarah, who requested that her real name
not be used, said that it seemed unlikely
that any committee members were guilty.
"Sure they had good reason," she admitted, ''but lots of people had good t'eason.''
She declined to answer any more
questions, explaining, "What with taking
over Myers' job, I'm a little busy right
now."
The investigation is continuing.

They lost their balls along with
the game. Too bad Tritons, but
there's always the women's
team!

,..--

The·Eij bt) '4e ven th ·Page

_,,,..

< .. . .

LIBE L/SC ANDA L/PO RN

....

,-'\

19ought2
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - M a r c h 32,
_....

Oil trucks hit Ha rris bur g
by Frank Babcock

of The SCORCH

Next week, an endless fleet of trucks will arrive in the small Oregon town of
Harrisbu rg, bringing equipme nt and supplies for what is perhaps the largest
construction project undertak en in human history.
The $4.8 trillion project, approved by a special session of Congress last week,
is a desperati on attempt by the Carter Administration to alleviate the domestic
petroleum shortage.
The assignme nt of the 412 engineer s, scientists, technicians and workers
involved in the project will be to drill an oil well completely through the earth and
into the huge Iranian oil deposits in the Middle East.
The project promises to be a challenge to modern technology and science.
A number of problems will be encounte red in the drilling which scientists hope
can be overcome by op-erating on the assumption that modern theories about the
composition of the earth are correct.
For example, it is assumed that the crust of the earth in the Harrisbu rg area is
approximately 14.6 miles thick . For this portion of the drilling, a conventional
drill tool will be used although the bit itself will be nearly 3 feet in diameter to
accomodate special equipme nt to be used as the crew reaches the mantle.
The mantle, which lies below the Sial (granite-like layer) and Sima (hardened
lava layer) of the solid crust, is a layer of primarily silicon rock, the temperat ure
of which will range from 1600° F (870°C) to 4000° F (2200°C).
Consequently, as the drill enters this 1800-mile-thick region, a special tool will
be attached into which the drilling crew will inject a steady flow of ice cubes. (An
ice plant has already been construct ed near the drilling site and will be fully
operation al next month.)
The cooled bit will thus be protected from melting as it reaches beyond the
mantle into the outer and inner core of the earth.
However, as the tool reaches the center of the earth, it is theorized that the
increased gravitational pull will require the use of a special ''bit brake'' which
will prevent the drill from traveling faster than the crew can add extensions at the
Harrisbu rg derrick.
the judge up in Portland doesn't
Once at the 9000° F (S000°C) center of the earth, power will have to be
respond to any inquiries from persons
to the drill tool as it begins the final 4,000-mile journey toward the
applied
such as myself who want to stop this
Iranian oil fields.
travesty here and now, and so I ask all
Before receiving oil in Harrisbu rg, however, a special pump will be installed at
of you who want fair labor recompen se
earth's center to push the valuable crude against gravity to the American
the
to take a look at what is happenin g,
surface.
understa nd it all as you can see that I do .
The project is immense , and may not even work, but the Presiden t must be
JOHNR. MEED
for his persisten ce in supportin g the project against a strong opposition
admired
Non-LCC Student
from the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.
The governm ent of Iran, which has protested the American project, has
lowered its crude oil prices from $13.50 a barrel to $1.23 a barrel in recent da~rs..
But continue d political unrest has prevente d the Iranians from operating their
existing wells, and Carter feels certain the U.S. will be able to recover nearly all
the oil that currently lays in the Iranian deposits.
- "Once we start pumping in Harrisbu rg," says the Presiden t with a big smile,
To the Editor:
"guess who's gonna be payin' $40 a barrel for overseas oil?! You can bet your
I am writing this letter to commend
it ain't gonna be brother Billy.''
boots
the marvelous abilities of your staff
writer, Bob Weight.
Througho ut the year I have been
reading his news coverage with great .
pleasure. He is truly a credit to your
staff, as well as a credit to the
outraged by the last three front cover
To the Editor:
Journalis m Department, and to LCC.
photos which have been of a human
fails
often
er
newspap
your
Weight is always sensitive to the
Though
armpit. I hope this was merely an
issues. He is thorough in his coverage
quite short of meeting what many
oversight, but in any case, I hope that
of events and he has made many
would consider quality journalism, one
by the time of receipt of this letter you
splendid points in his editorials. Thank
must remind oneself that it is, after all,
will have found a new and more tasteful
you again for bringing this brilliant
a college newspap er and is entitled to
photogra phic subject with which to
young man's words to the eyes of your
occasional indiscretion.
grace your front cover.
readers.
However, I am annoyed; piqued,
May Bee
disquiete d, bothered , mortified and
BOB WEIGHT
LCC Synonym Instructor

L et te r
Huh? ?- ? ? ? ?

Dear Editor:

Recently, the rip-off idealists of tl)e
legal profession, including the Honorable Judge from Seattle who got down
on his knees to beg•for changes in the
State Workers Compensation System,
have defiled the Imperialistic motives
of the working many who is down to his
last, rapidly shrinking dollar which is
being. funneled directly into the dark
coffers of the State Compensation
board members ' pockets under ORS
195,162 and ORS 265.305, not to
mention the one law, ORS 480.398,
which specifies that if a worker is
injured while getting a drink of water
during a machine breakdown he only
gets a partial claim which is then
transferr ed into another State Workers
Compensation Board account under the
provisions of ORS 469.254 and ORS
680. 720 which is really a rip-off because

SCORCH
,.--

U' EDITOR: Sarah Jenkins
66
FEATURES EDITOR: Frank Babcock
PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR: Jeff Patterson
ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR: Michael Tenn
SPORTS EDITOR: Ed Peters
NEWS EDITOR: Bob Weight
REPORTERS: John Healy, Hashly Smokafew
PHOTOGRAPHERS: Rockie Moch, E. Samson Nisser,
Captain Zen
PRODUCTION: Laree Ram, Jeff Saint, Ron Coleman, Jack
Lois Young
Axtell,
Rick
• War, -Debbie Forney,
COPYSElTING: Judie Sonstein
ADVERTISING DESIGN: Donna Rubick
ADVERTISING SALES: Frank Flammini

The SCORCH is publised whenever staff members feel
like blowing the college out of the water.
News stories are compressed, concise reports intended
to be as objective as possible. But then, everybody has
good intentions that never seem to come true. So we mostly
make it up as we go along.
News features, because of a broader scope, may contain
some judgments on the part of the writer. They may also
contain some lies.
"Forums" are intended to be essays contributed by
SCORCH readers, but so far nobody has ever submitted
one.
"'Letters to the Editor" should be forwarded to the
Eugene Register-Guard. We have enough gripes and don't
need to hear about anybody else's.
All correspondence must be typed, neatly written, block
printed, enclosed in plain brown wrappers or scribbled.
Neatness doesn't count and we won't print it anyway.

Weight heavy

Reader resents hairy ·. armpits

by Chuck Weight

Filberts

Wl !14./( NfJ~/ Sfl,
~v.r,~r 8'++ i-"i.'Ae ,
S~Hrl,r-,r,,..,., '1Mlt.~/fj'•

0

so ~e+t>IKs <ire.

J'-'..t t"' "1Cl.t'U-Y'"A( l:f

,Cu., ,,, " y ,'

March 32, 19ought2 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - S C O R C H - - - - - - - - - - = - p a g e J

Late-night vandals strike
(obscenity delete d) fishpond
It's not funny to Roger Thesaurus, LCC
Night Maintenance Foreman.
''Last night, as you and I and other
respectable persons were visiting dreamland, some dastardly villain stole into the
dark, stopped at Lane, and poured Blue Dye
#532 into LCC's beautiful goldfish pond.
"It's not that I don't like blue water,"
says Thesaurus, "but everyone knows that
Blue Dye #532 causes cancer in little
goldfish. And the water is so blue that we
can't see the poor little bugers to get them
out of the bad water and into t~e good. I just

can't understand why anyone would want to
hurt our little fishy friends. They never hurt
us."
Lane's top-notch security staff was hot on
the case, and just as upset as Thesaurus.
"Those (obscenity deleted) no good (obscenity deleted), if I ever get my (obscenity
deleted) hands on them, why I'll break their
(obscenity deleted) necks!" said one
security officer who wished to be . . .
"(obscenity deleted) nameless."
Thesaurus estimated that both of LCC's
goldfish will "probably die." •

Milt Madden was struck speechless -by the Deadwood Award trophy. Photo by Rockie Moch

Madden sets standards
for dead wood winners
by Sarah Jenkins
of The SCORCH

In a solemn ceremony last night, LCC
history instructor Milt Madden was presented with the First Annual Carlene (:hurry
Memorial Deadwood Award.
During an emotional acceptance speech,
Madden held the seven-foot rough hewn
trophy and continually fought back tears.
"History," Madden explained to the
packed house in the back shop of the
Mechanics Building, "is my life."
Amidst rousing applause, Madden tried
to blink away the tears. "It is so irrelevant.
That's what makes it so important to me. If
it were relevant," he said with a sigh, "I
would never have been honored in this way.
My -years of dedication and hard work and
blood, sweat, toil and tears would have been
for naught. Making history irrelevant is not
•
an easy task.''
Again, the enthusiastic audience of
fellow teachers, administrators and board
members cheered him on.
'' But just knowing I had a shot at this
wonderful momento," he said, changing
his grip on the log, ''made me work even
harder.

This is a headlin e
by Dill Fonebone
for The SCORCH
Well, here I am at my typewriter, typing
news for all of you people out in newspaperland. I went to a meeting on public
transportation today.
Not much happened, really, but my
teacher, Mr. Pederstone, said that there is
always news if you just look, so I will. (This
part is called a "bridge" in newspapertalk.)
There were a lot of people there and even
some important ones like Mr. Biermug, who
is really a loudmouth.
Biermug is a story in himself, but I am
supposed to be "objective" so I won't tell
you that my friend told me that he is a
pervert. Also, I am supposed to tie this in
with LCC, so I will.
I am an LCC student and I was there to tell
you about it.
Mr. Biermug talked a lot and asked the
press to leave, but he didn't ask me to leave
with them because he didn't know I was
press.
He asked me to leave because he said that
I was a ''filthy counter-culture person who
is probably on CETA." I left then and I
guess that's about it. Thank you for reading
my story.

''I know some of the runners-up for the
award,'' he added as he glanced down to the
disappointed faces in the front row, "may
feel I had an unfair advantage. But my ten
years of tenure was not a deciding factor in
my win. Anybody can get tenure, but
exhibiting true deadwood tendencies is
very, very difficult.''
He paused before adding, "Do you have
any idea how many good student evaluations I've had to live down?"
Madden tJ,en thanked the school officials
who had made the award possible. Limiting
his speech to only two hours, he admitted
that it was not possible to name them all.
The trophy will be permanently etched
with Madden's name, teaching specialty,
length of tenure, credentials, work record
and hobbies. The work is being done by
students in LCC' s Chainsaw Technology
program.

.,
..:i

iU:ilftizKiii : 11 t·

, ,.

• •:

,-,:~ ., ,.

;:::

Columbia Nuclear Homes Inc. are proud to announce our.
all new energy-efficient homes . Our homes are built :-1

:!i

· ~; i~.!:. ·: :<:;.·',=·.i,;: •.:.:.:.•.•:.:.:.•.•:.••.••.•:••••·•••••; •••
•
··\~
~;$

~j

I

along .. the most radioactive river in the world . ·· We just • ••: • • • ! • • •.: • • • \-.: • •••:'
hook the wiring into the river •· no more expensive ,
electric bills. And the river's soft "'night glow• • adds a
wonderful unnatural touch to nighttime garden parties!
Columbia Nuclear Homes. from $84.000 with easy
·terms.

,Jl::===::

.:v. •~ ·

p ..

page4---------SCORCH

Lhas a Ahso shocks Belly
by Frank Babcock
of The SCORCH
Controversy centered in the LCC cafeteria this week following complaints by a
student that her salad contained a large ball
of matted hair which she described as being

The offensive salad is shown here with the
tip of the offending Lhasa Abso. Photo by
Rockie Moch.

"about the size of a miniature poodle."
Jelly Belly, an exotic dance student in the
Performing Arts Department, had seated
herself at a table in the cafeteria and had
eaten the garbanzo beans, chinese noodles,
sprouts, mushrooms, croutons, pickled
beets and sliced bell peppers heaped on top

of her copious extravaganza, when the top
laver of lettuce ''began to move."
Says -Belly, "I was mortified. But when I
gingerly removed some of the lettuce with
my fork, I discovered this hairy thing all
coated with blue cheese and ranch dressing."
Belly immediately picked up her fouled
salad and sought out Food Services
Manager Julio Childs to report the incident.
"I wanted to go to the top dog," she says.
Says Childs, "I instructed the cashier to
refund Ms. Belly's money immediately, of
course, and then I began an inspection of
the furry ball."
"Oddly," Childs explains, "it wasn't
a miniature poodle after all, but a Lhasa
Abso. We have no idea where the dog came
from, but it must have been there for some
time because the salad it was laying in was
quite wilted and warm."
The dog, which bore no identifying tags
or marks, was turned over to campus
security who transported it to the TriAgency Dog Control Authority.
"Doggone," says Childs. "I hate to see
this kind of thing happen. I could give us a
bad name."
Belly plans to pursue the matter.
"I'm enraged," she says. "Why they
wouldn't treat a human like that. I mean,
Childs didn't even try to find out if
somebody might want the dog. He just sent
it to the pound where it'll probably be
destroyed.
"You'll never catch me in that cafeteria
again!"

New clas s ieac hes words
by Frank Babcock
of The SCORCH

"It is my intention, goal, design,
ambition, proposal, purpose, aspiration and
resolve," says May Bee, LCC's new study
skills instructor, "that this synonym improvement class will be fun, frivolous,
entertaining, joyous, merry, frolicsome,
diverting, recreative and pleasant."
''I have always been concerned, caring,
regardful, watchful, aware, alert, vigilant,
solicitous, cautious and heedful of the
fact," she says, "that many students are
lacking in the ability to draw on a large
resource, pool, supply, store, stock, well,
treasure, reserve, accumulation, provision,
abundance, ampleness, luxuriant and copious amount of words available to them in
our language."
Bee intends to conduct the class in a strict
format requiring a great deal of memoriza~11---,:::,,,.._v- _..'.':/

tion from the textbook which is Roget's
College Thesaurus.
Says Bee, "I think it's high time that we
begin to utilize these words - these beautiful words - in our language proficiently
_a nd eliminate all those inane, superfluous,
unnecessary, unimportant, inconsequential, needless, duplicating, supererogatory,
lavish, suffocating, profuse, exorbitant,
extravagant, prodigal, overflowing, congesting, surplus overflowing redundancies.
According to Sam Boe, study skills
department head, it is planned that the
synonym class will eventually become a
prerequisite for a class to be offered next
fall term entitled Homonym Improvement.
"Homonyms, " explaines Boe, "differ
from synonyms in that they are words that
sound the same, such as pane, pain, lone,
loan, bore, boar, soar, sore, steal, steel,
sick, sic, horse, hoarse, read, reed, and so
on and sew awn."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - March 32, 19ought2

...............
Suit Filed

A sheep filed a discrimination lawsuit yesterday in Sacramento charging the state
of California ·with unfair hiring practices.
The sheep, which has no name, claims that it has submitted an employment
application to the Department of Public Works in response to the department's
announcemen t that it was in need of an experienced lawn trimmer.
Two days later, the sheep contends, the position was awarded to a 34-year-old
hispanic male.
The sheep's suit asks for $10,000 punitive damages and requests that the state of
California be required to abide by equal employment opportunity hiring regulations
which specify that all hiring be done irrespective of race, creed, religious belief or
species orientation.

Suit Filed

In a related case, a 28-year-old white male, James Baa Ki, has filed a suit against
the state contending that he was denied employment due to the state's "quota
system'' for hiring minorities in an effort to balance employee ranks with minority
representation .
by hit'ing 42 sheep to maintain the capitol
Baa Ki's suit alleges that the state,
considered for the job.
lawns, prevented him from being fairly
U.S. Supreme Court .
The case is expected to end up in the

.LCC offers Jive language
by Bob Weight
of THE SCORCH

"Don't give me any of that honkey
jive," tried the student. "Doan gimme
any tha honkeh jaahve, Whitey,"
corrected the instructor of LCC' s
newest language arts class.
George Washington Jones teaches
Whitey O'Malley and 17 other students
"Jive as a Second Language."
'' I am very happy that the school was
receptive and innovative enough to
accept my proposal to offer Jive," said
Jones. "It is a widely spoken language
in this country but it has been ignored
by the academic community. ''
"My goodness yes," agreed Henry
Witherspoon who heads the Language
Arts Department. '' Jive is indiginous
to the U.S. and it is spoken by many
people. I feel that it is high time that we
recognize Jive and offer it to our
students.
'' At the present time,'' Witherspoon
continued, "several universities are
considering the possibility of accepting
Jive as a language requirement .''
"How's this Mr. Jones?" Whitey
chimed in, "Hey man, you hav ... "
" 'Hay,' Whitey, 'hay'. Pronunciation is very important if you are to be
understood and considered literate by
jive-speakin g peoples," corrected
Jones.

Jones explained the cultural value of
learning Jive. "As in learning any
language, new vistas are opened to the
student who learns Jive, plus a better
understandin g of English.''
Jones, a native of Chicago, thinks
that it is especially important that
people in less populated areas (such as
the Willamette Valley) learn the
language because "people here are
rarely exposed to Jive. The large-citydweller can pick it up, perhaps, but
such is not the case in areas such as
this.''
"Geowgie baayby, you mah main
main. Ah mean to say, you one hep
cat,'' Whitey tried again.
''That is better, Whitey, but the term
'hep cat' is Beatnik, not Jive. Beatnik,
like Latin, is a dead language."
Like many other languages, Jones
pointed out, Jive contains many root
words from both dead and living
languages.
"Jive is alive," he continued. "It
absorbs words from many languages.
'I'm Hip' comes from the Beatnik 'I'm
hep.' 'Hay' is directly linked by many
entymologis ts to the English word
'Hey.'
And so the class continues. Whitey
O'Malley and the other students
pursue a new language with the
promise of intercultural intercourse
and a better understandin g of their
native tongue.

HEY MAN.........................................................................
...............................................................HIGH RON')
H~) GOT THE STUFF FoR·vou1
WE'LL Tfl~E: YOU HIGH, LOW, flND IN-BE:TWE:E:N.
\JIS"fl flND Mf1STER4'VMISTRES-S- CHARGE GLEEFULLY flCCE:PTE:D.
JUS1 LOO~ FOR YOUR LOCflL S-flLE:S- RE:PRE:S-E:NTflTI\JE:, Sf']ILIN' S-flM,
IN THE: S-OUTH-BY-S-OUTH-WE:S1 PflR~ING LOT.
HE'S- E:t1SY TO S-POT: HfllNE:S- UNDE:RWE:flR WITH S-UPPORTING s-oc~ S-US-PE:NDE:RS-,
WHITE Pf1TENT LEf1THE:R BELT f1ND S-HOE:S-, LflRGE: S-HINY Bf1DG€ ON LEFT S-HIRT FRONT.
CREDIT APPLICATION~ A\IAILABLE: 30 DAY RE\JOL\JING ACCOUNT~ AT 287% PER ANNUM.

~--~ -~

March 32, 19ought2 - - - - - - - - - - S C Q R ( H - - - - - - - - - - - p a g e S

Dumpaton- loses face during drill,

Briefcase stolen in cafeteria
by Frank Babcock
of The SCORCH
Dumali, LCC's struggling literary arts
magazine, was dealt another financial blow
today when Rip Dumpaton, the magazine's
editor, lost all copies of Dumali's new
budget proposal to a thief in the cafeteria.
The theft occurred only moments before
Dumpaton was to present the LCC Media
Commission with the proposal at a special
luncheon meeting. The new proposal was
what Dumpaton described as a "streamlined'' version of a budget that had been
rejected two weeks ago.
The magazine, beset with endless financial problems all year, is currently in
extreme jeopardy with its present committed funding from all sources totaling a
paltry $3.62. Dumpaton has indicated lately
that he is '' aghast at the lack of support and
enthusiasm from those holding the pursestrings at the college in their attitude about
the magazine and I feel that if I could only
persuade these people to purchase and read
a copy of the magazine, they would be more
aware of its value as both an instructional
tool and a literary forum for the excellent
talent that prevails copiously at LCC."
Unfortunately, Dumpaton fell victim to
the presence of another talent at LCC, in

this case, a visiting U.S. Marine Corps
precision face-sitting team who was performing for students in the cafeteria at noon
today.
Dumpaton had stopped, en route to the
Media Commission meeting, to watch the
Marines perform an extended .. cheek-toeyeball" drill when a thief surreptitiously
absconded with Dumpaton 's briefcase
which contained the budget documents.
Dumpaton was holding the briefcase at the
time.
Dumpaton discovered the theft almost
immediately, but waited until the Marines
had concluded their routine before he
reported the theft to the LCC Security.
Security began an immediate investigation of the incident and the budget meeting
was postponed.
Said an enraged Dumpaton, "I am, at
once, utterly appalled at the audacity of
such disgusting, thieving individuals, yet I
must allude to the fact that I admire the
thief's perspicacity in sensing the opportunity in my temporary distraction.
''Incidentally,''
Dumpaton
added,
"those Marines are really awe-inspiring."
Dumpaton appeared to be visibly upset
by the consequences of the theft, but as he
returned to the Dumali office, his face broke
into a grin and he quietly remarked, "You
know, those Marines are really great!"

Transit service hil,s jet stream
by Hashly Smokafew

for The SCORCH

According to John Seersucker of the Lane
Transit Service (LTS), new and much
improved bus schedules include stops in
New York, New York; Bangor, Maine; Taos
New Mexico; Laos; Hong Kong and
downtown Padoka.
''We reason that these new services are a
good idea, both business wise and econo,mically," said Seersucker, "because we have
at least one student from each of the new
services we are adding.'' Seersucker
added, "Now, we realize that there are
those in the community who might think
this new schedule is just a wee, weeeee,
weeeeeeeee, itsy-bitsy, tiny-winy bit much,
but let me assure vou that with the addition
of our new Lear jet to the LTS bus fleet, we
~an handle it."
The LTS Board of Directors agree with
the idea of adding the new services, 100 per
cent, according to Board president Ralph
Wrecktum. "Sure, I think it's a good idea.
I'm behind it 100 per cent. Youse folks out
here gotta realeves wees ies gotta bus

where the demand is," said Wrecktum.
"Besides," he a<ided, "it's goota work,
don't it? Or whose gonna take in the shorts?
Wrecktum! That's whose!"
Of course, with everything else concerning the LTS, there's a bit of opposition.
"I've never seen a bus on time," says
Wilma Wilma, leader of the Bus On Time
Tarry
Oregon
Mutual
committee
(BOTTOM). "And when I complain about
it, all I get is nothing - a lot of nothing!"
she said. "And now they're trying to keep
us down by sitting on us at the Board
meetings. Well, I'm notgoingtoletthem sit
on our BOTTOM. I'm just not going to stand
for it,'' sneered the outspoken activist.
•'I believe there are plenty of folks out
there. This is a city," said Wilma, "and I
bet there are plenty of people out there!"
Wilma conceded that she still believes that
it takes people to make a city, a home. "It
takes all kinds," she said.
•
Meanwhile, across town, her dog was run
over by a bus.
People served by the new bus service
should be aware there will be a slight
additional fee for each time zone crossed.

'
~e;~· From K-Pill!!
•

\-.. .

'MIST'

The new contraceptive tablet that's cheap and
can be taken without a drink of water! And it
comes in 3 exciting •flavors: Grape, Rasberry,
and Dill Pickle. If taken in .advance it won't
interrupt lovemaking!

The winner of this week's
WHERE IS THE PRESIDENT?
contest is Wanda Crumdick, a
member of LCC' s crack janitorial
staff.
Her last-minute entry, made
just seconds before the contest
deadline, astounded both contest
judges and college officials.
Crumdick' s correct guess?
Right here on campus!
'' I was more surprised than
anybody," exclaimed an excited

Crumdick after her winning
choice was verified.
"I was just finishing up in the
women's room on the second floor
of the Administration Building,''
she explained, "when I saw a
large man in an old-fashioned
gray pin-stripe suit dash past the
door and duck behind Marie
Reed's desk - it had to be him!''
The last time the president was
on campus was in 1972 when
Eugene's Mahlon Sweet Airport
was closed due to bad weather.

The Celestial
Homegrown
Health Food Hangout
Now offering a complete line of
HoHo's, Twinkies, Ding Dongs
and Pure White Cream Puffs.
We're pleased to offer these fine products in their •
naturally fresh state. Trucked
monthly from
West Hollywood, California. For your convenience,
the manufacturers pull date is staMPED WITH
Red Dye No. 2 on each item.
Also available and sold in plain brown wmppers,
a/,falfa sprouts grown in pure Trojan spring water.
Our sprouts glow in the dark---naturally.

7009 West 105th Street, Creswell

Open 4 a. ni. to 4 p

A

UTTLI:: Step 10 LP

l)!, ..

Available at candy counters all
over!! Introductory offer: family
size bottle of 500 tablets-$1.99

ni__,. . . ::::::.

page 6

----- ----- ----- ----- -SC QRCH

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - M a r c h 32, 19ought2

LCC science instructor a~rested and a r
by Frank Babcock

of The SCORCH

William Whymee, an LCC science
instructor, was recently arrested 12 times
following a scuffle in the LCC science
biology lab.
Whymee was working late at night on a
secret cloning experiment that was recently
financed by the federal government.
According to Whymee, a fight broke out
after he accidentally activated the cloning
device he had just completed.
"It was horrible," says Whymee. "As
soon as I energized the machine, clones of
myself began walking out of the machine
one after the other.''
According to Whymee, the fight began
when he recovered from his shock enough to
make an attempt to shut the cloning
machine off.
'' As I made a move toward the machine,
the clones began ar~uing about whether the

machine should continue to operate,
producing an infinite population of my
mirror image. Some of the clones," says •
Whymee, "saw the wisdom of shutting the
machine off. Others didn't. A fight broke
out and one of the clones called the Sheriff's
Department.
Within minutes, Lane county sheriff's
deputies rushed to the scene and took 12
suspects into custody.
Arrested and charged with assault and
battery, resisting arrest and destruction of
public property were:
William Whymee, 47; William Whymee, o;
William Whymee, O; William Whymee, O;
William Whymee, O; William Whymee, O;
William Whymee, O; William Whymee, O;
William Whymee, O; William Whymee, O;
William Whymee, O; and William Whymee,
0, all of 1967 West East Place, Eugene.
Identification of the real William Whymee was still uncertain at press time.

:. ,,,.;
'::.

..

CONE PLANE
CONE PEOPL
... PLEAS

•

From left: William Whymee, William Whymee, William Whymee, William Whymee, and
William Whymee. Not shown: William Whymee, William Whymee, William Whymee,
William Whymee, William Whymee, William Whymee and William Whymee. Photo by
Rockie Moch.

~ = •• ;r ::

about my well-being and told me that
since he had always wanted a son, and
since he had some money put away, he
would like to pay my way through the
Electrical Engineering program at
Oregon State."
That was in 1975, and Wyre, inspired
by the opportunity to pursue his
education, graduated from the program at Oregon State with honors in
1977.
Since then, his life has brimmed with
success.
"I went to work for this little
engineering firm in Beaverton that
specializes in pest control devices. Says
Wyre proudly, "The first year there, I
designed several devices that have
become very well accepted in the pest
control market.
''One device is a modified mousetrap
that, instead of catching the mouse,
hits it with 40,000 volts D.C. and
virtually vaporizes it. No fuss, no muss!
"Another device consists of a coil of
wire placed under the hood of a car that
vaporizes cats. No more muddy cat
tracks on your hood," Wyre giggles.
Still another of Wyre's inventions
consists of a mechanism that, when
attached to a metal garbage can, will
electrocute scrounging dogs, wrap
I their bodies in newspaper and deposit
I them into the can. If the can is full, a
limit switch is activated and the tightly
wrapped package is hurled several
blocks away.
But Wyre's greatest achievement is
one he hes just developed and will

i! RONCO-RAT RECTIFIER IJ
Rectifies Rats by the Thousands
.

.

m.

I

Available at the following variety stores:

----~

mt

=·
=

//'

J

',q--~~--~

~~-r777~

J
=

begin marketing next week. For Wyre,
it is not only a greqt accomplishment,
but perhaps the beginning of retri~ution for the loss of his family several
years ago.
"It's always galled me," says Wyre
with emotion, "that we have all these
creeps on death row at the State Pen
and yet we have had no death penalty
for several years. Well, we just
reinstated the death penalty and I think
it's high time we got rid of these social
pests.
"So I got to thinking about how
efficient it would be if we could dispose
of them all at once - I mean, it would
be perfect if we could devise some
method of humane mass execution.
"So I set to work on the idea and
designed a set of Electric Bleachers .
My bleachers have a seating capacity of
100 and, theoretically, it's possible to
vaporize 100 condemned persons as
long as their body weight averages no
more than 185 pounds."
Wyre explains that there are numerous advantages to such a method of
execution .
For one, he says, their last meal
could be catered by King's Table
Restaurant, saving the state a great
deal of money compared to the
traditional individual steak dinners.
"Furthermo re," says Wyre, "religious services could be conducted en
masse followed by a sprinkle of holy
water distributed with a fire hose."
Wyre admits that it was a personal
vendetta that inspired the electric
bleachers, but he points out that the
device may benefit all society if it
becomes widely accepted.
'' I believe that once people realize
that we can conduct capital punishment
in a swift, clean, efficient and effective
way, it will become quite acceptable to
eliminate the scum of the earth without
a second thought.''
"However," says Wyre optimistically, "should the bleachers fail to
catch on in this country, it's of little
concern to me. ldi Amin has already
contacted me with specifications for a
set of electric bleachers that would
accommodat e 14,000 people and would
include facilities for foreign dignitaries
and a large press box.
In Uganda, sources close to Amin
stated he has extended an invitation to
the Tanzanian government to attend a
special outdoor theatrical production,
"Vanishing Point."
Amin has also invited 42,000 members of Tanzania's crack infantry to
attend the three special showings of the
play.

t

March 32, 19ought2 - - - - - - - - - - - -

In jail, in the woods , in bed

SCORCH

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ page 7

CWJ/SFW/SAW/SWS 'va lua ble exp erie nce '

by Bob Weight
of The SCORCH
''I have found the program to be very
rewarding,' ' comments Harley Herd, LCC
student, "because I can work and learn at
the same time."
Herd is one of the many LCC students
who participates in the Cooperative Work
Jobs (CWJ) program, also known as
Supervised Field Work (SFW), Study and
Work (SAW) and Supervised Work Study
(SWS).

''The students really benefit from the
program," addsdepart mentchairm an, Rob
Sway, "because they can do part-time work
for good pay (unless the employer just
wants free labor) and get college credit.
They also get valuable career experience. ''
Hal Lawful is a good example. Lawful is
an LCC student who attends school and who
is also in inmate of the county jail.
''They Jet me out on work-release to go to
school," explains Lawful. "I'm majoring in
Crime Enforcement because I figure that
I'm indined in that direction.
'' I was amazed to find out that I could get
col1ege credit for being in jail,'' Lawful
continues, ''but my advisor said that as long
as the experience applied to my major I
might as well get credit for it.''
Herd was advised by a coordinator that
his work as a choker-sett er could apply to
his major in Language Arts. •
''1 set for Waremouse r two days a week
for SAW credit and I take English

composition and stuff here at LCC for the
other three.
"I never figured I could get language
credits for bein' a logger but my coordinator
said, 'You use language out in the woods
don't you?' I never thought of it that way but
I guess it really is related work isn't it?"

I

•

Fol1owing a home-cooked chicken dumpling dinner at a nearby farmhouse, the
LCC Board of Education official1y dedicated
the new Noti Center facility Wednesday
night.
The building, a 127-year-old abandoned
barn, sits where it has always sat about two
miles west northwest of the city of Noti,
which, in turn, sits about 35 miles west of
Eugene.
Says chairman Cyrus Hicks, ''This
buildin' is one bodacious resource. Why, I
remember back when I was a kid when ole
Lester used ta run sheep out here and there
was times I saw mor'n 30,000 head in here,
all bunched up and keepin' warm outa the
snow.
''Now jist think,'' Hicks continues as he
spits out a wad of Beechnut, "if n ya all can
get that many woolies in here, ana a sheep
ain't much smaller than a growed-up man
- why we'll be able to handle a whole
bunch of overflow from the main campus.''
Though Hicks has repeatedly sought
LCC' s purchase of the building to handle
over-enrollment, most college officials
agree that the building will primarily serv~
as a local LCC outreach facility for the rural
Noti community.
Says Weldon Wafer, LCC president,
"Most of them folks out there don't have
cars to commute to Eugene, and them that
do often can't count on 'em to start all the
time.
"It's my feeling the barn, once remodeled, will provide a campus within
walking distance for these here folks.''
There is no question that the building
needs renovation. Though no local archi-·
tects were willing to even comment on the
condition of the building, a Noti resident,
Amos Wood, has offered to do the repairs.
"Now, thefirstthing l'ddo," says W~d,
puffing his chest, ''is put on new shingles.
You'H notice that most o' them old orig'nal
handsplit shakes are either rotted or they
been al1 blowed off during the years. That's
why the roof leaks.
'' Another thing is, ya see how she leans
about 20 degrees to the yonder? Well, I
reckon I can bring my 'cat' down here, cable
her up to a stump and, with a come-along,
pull the ole girl right up straight and purty.
"Next, I'd start replacin' all them big
beam1. and timbers inside on account of
they're all rotted out from the roof leakin'

Buy w~y so many names for one
program?

Sway explains, "Back when the Board of
Education first started checking us out they
noticed a king giant bunch of inconsistencies. They wanted to know how setting
chokers related to Language Arts, for
instance. I just came up with a whole raft of
names to keep them confused and off my_
back.''

Breathing ca us es death

by Dr. Paywell and the staff
of the Student Health and Wealth Clinic
Although they won't always admit it - or
may not even be aware of it - a great many
people are injuring their health every day by
the simple act of breathing.
According to a 1977 survey conducted by
the Bland Corp., most Americans are
breathing most of the time. This condition,
called breathingne ss syndrome by the
Swiss physician who first postulated the
condition several years ago, has the
following results:
• The transmissio n of air-borne germs and
viruses - more breathing means more
germs in the air.
• The inhalation of air-borne particulate
matter and other pollution.
• The depletion of the world's oxygen
supply.

Shee p cent er now fit for stude nts
by Frank Babcock
of The SCORCH

A coordinator, who prefers not to be
identified, explaineo it this way: "I gotta
have a king giant bunch of students if I'm to
be paid as 'fu11-time" so I send them out no
matter how flimsy the connection. "

for so long. Then I'd refloor the loft and
that'd give y'all another 15,000 feet of space
for offices and such.
"About this time," Wood continues, "is
when I'd start puttin' on the new siding
cause ya can see how it's all full of dry rot,
knot holes and a lot of the boards is all
busted up.
"By the time I got to this point, you'd
probably know whether ya want a concrete
or wood floor, or whether y'all wan ta leave it
dirt, like it is now. In that case, I'd have to
hire some boys to come in here and shovel
all that old manure out cause it could get to
stinkin' if'n ya ever tried to heat the place."
Wood estimates it would cost the college
about $180,000 to accomplish the work he
describes, which matches the figure the
board approved for purchase of the barn
and the six-tenths of an acre it sits on.
At this time, the board has made no
decision about what specific uses it intends
to consider for the site, although during the
dinner, one board member made a motion
that it be used as a giant greenhouse for the
LCC botanical studies department .
"After looking at that roof," he said, "it
might be cheaper to just throw some clear
plastic over it and use it to grow bushes."

L

ane
~ran sit

turn blue, try holding it until you pass out. If
you practice with a friend, have your
partner cover your face with a plastic bag or
a similar object after unconsciousness has
been attained.
"You don't hear any medical complaints
from people who aren't breathing," says
one LCC Health Care staffer. "Less
breathing means less sniveling and whimpertng in the long run ... My job would be a
lot easier is these sickies would just go away
and stop breathing.' '

The report also notes that breathing may
be directly linked to "natural causes," the
world's largest killer for which there is no
known cure.
LCC students can take a few precautionary steps to protect themselves from the
dangers of breathing.
For one thing, you can hold your breath.
This might seem so obvious as to be hardly
worth mentioning - but, surprisingly,
many people overlook this option. By simply
not breathing, air-borne, disease causing
agents cannot enter your body.
If you are not accustomed to a lack ot
oxygen, you should proceed slowly. First,
trying holding your breath for a few
minutes at a time. When you can be
comfortable holding your breath until you

Breath is death. Think about it next time
you get the urge to suck a little oxygen.

I

i ......................................................................................................................., .......................................................]

I Hiya, Kids!
II
I,. ·
I

•
P~

II

"'o'f-°

I
I
,.
I

/oy {b,
c--4;
and

6 o .
easy
~ee \\

Cock roach
Incom e Rentals

0

II

"$;,

•

has the one for you

I
•I One and two-bed room apartme nts with

I

I

~--1

~l~I'

~:::=~!'~. ;.,;, ""~~-_
ocean-f ront views.
99
Guaran teed pest free.
,. (Units comple te with high quality, hungry cat.)
.
99 year lease availab le upon request.

I
I 9732

Lake Weldon Drive, 982-0001.

I
,.

I

l ................................................................................ ...............................................................................................

We really move our tails for you I
Now provid ing Lane Count y
with regula rly sched uled
'BusFlight ' servic e to:

I servi ce

I

-----··- ---___j

• New York
• London
• Hong Kong
• Los Angel es

•
•
•
•

BUS

STOP

Mosco w
Paris
Guyan a
And other places

INFORMATION

555-6875

SCORC H ENTER TAJNM ENT--- ---Mar ch32, 19ought2

page 8

&elusive interview: Fred Pinto spills the beans

,
by Michael Tenn
of The SCORCH
The Pinto' s new single, ''Every Time
I Get Rearended I Just Burst Into
Flames," remained near the bottom of
the charts for the 49th consecutive
week, making itoneofthewors t-selling
singles in pop music history.
"Why me?" says Fred Pinto, the
group's founder.
Born on a Greyhound bus rolling
through the murky West Texas night,
Pinto is a legend in the Nashville music

~,,,,~

•
scene.
No one in Nashville is really sure
when Pinto first arrived in that city. The
man is an enigma, even to his closest
friends. "He's just always been here
seems like ta me honey,'' says country
singer Di Dee Delu~e.
While in Eugene for a concert last
week, Pinto stopped by the SCORCH
office. "Whar's the damn bus station?'' Pinto demanded as he entered
the office.
"Fred's not a formal-type person,"

I

I
I
I

------

i Inst a-B u.ae
;
•a r

4*. **
. *

i1

0 1n1n g

1

ent
I Esta blis h1n
.
i •

Don't believe everythi ng you hear!

I

I

i

I
I
I
i

I

I Reports ol botulism, intestinal paralysis

i

i
l
!

i

-·

,:;

j!
j! •
,:;

I

I

f

f

t B
ns a- urger

14 o/tt,11\c~
15 Ripener
16 Can. prov.
17 North American flower:
19 ~;~~esan
20 Triple
21 Cessation
23 Of bristles
25 Woone..1
26 Des!re
27 Decide love
29 God of
31 Curler's cap

I

limited until we get approval from county health

officials.)

~! ~~bbes
36 Crest
!~ ~=~~bi~:P,iE'o

lnsta-Burger---Quality that shows.

i

0092 Franklin
.
.
Glenwood Sol id Waste Center
the
to
next
Right

::1111

,:;

j!

Yourmone ywillbetak enfrom11a • m • to8p • m •

,:;

,

,:;

•
r"">

•

kl V•

•

II,

•

kit ...

u :..•

kt

•
• '-•
->

• ..Iii ·• ..•

porter
44 Feat
45 Ger,:nan c~·t
47 Bodies of
knowledg
49Wheel_tooth
·;).
50 Egg drink
52 Gasp-..'"'V" (1.-jr,~J
53 Cakes and

J

j!

~,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,..-..,,,,,,,,,,,~

• -41,

1

-•

54 Burro
57Spigot
59 Seraglio
61 Dead
64-Movie
·;..

-4'

Are you NEARLY NORMAL, SLICHTL Y SCHIZOID,
a SPACE COOKIE? Let ME help YOU!
Yes, no more do you have to crawl around in the shadows of life. Come to the
doctor and I will show you the light, for a price. I'm THERE and you're not,
so pay me only $9. 95 for 95 months and you too can be TH ERE. Yes my
friends sell al I your possessions and give me the cash, because you won't
need it after I get through with you. I'm the only way. I'm the only chance
you've got so take it.

*with a balloon payment of $9,950.00

Zen Counseling by the Right Rev. Dr. Zen
Phone 729-7088
666 False Profit Way

NEXT WEEK: Pinto tells of his dark
years of searching for a new statue of
Roy Rogers, his run-in with the law for
sodomizing a chicken in Little Rock,
Ark., and his arrival in Nashville.

TODAY'S CROSSWORD PUZZLE

j!

So, get 'em while you can still stand.
·t h.lg h qua I I't Y
•
Or I S
amOUS
IS
steaks and sea food delicacies. (Sea food may be
I

Bum diddles,'' says Pinto, his voice
beginning to tremble. "We was doing
some drinkin', you know how it is when Slim, the pedal steel picker, says,
'St~p the car, Fred, I gotta pee.' "
Pinto pauses, struggling to confront
the obviously painful memory.
"Well it's just rainin' cats and
dogs," he continues. "I couldn't see a
foot in front of my face an - an - an ah jezz ... '' Pinto lowers his face into
his hands and tries to stifle the sobs.
'' I stop the car an ol' Slim gets out an
he picks up the statue of Roy Rogers
that I always kept on the dashboard for
good luck and he says, "Maybe ol'
Roy's gotta pee too. Come on, Roy.
And he takes it an gets out of the car -steps rights out in front of this big ol'
18-wheeler that's highballin' down the
road -- damn.''
at the ceiling.
"They don't make them statues
anymore,'' says Pinto, shaking his
head. '' I looked all over, never could
find another one."

ACROSS
1 Packs down
6 Nimble .'-i"
10 ~easies;:.~

::1111

• h ave not yet
• r--4o•
.. IOUS h epat•ltlS
aft d tn-~
.
been medicall y proven. Most of our
1•IVe and k•ICk•In' •
st•u
I
CUstomers are

::1111

explains his manager Arti Nitwitski,
"That's why his fans love him so
much.''
After learning that the bus station
was several miles away Pinto said that
he'd just "bunk" in the darkroom until
it stopped raining. "If'n ya don't like
the way I squeek, just grease my wheel
an I'll roll along," spat Pinto as he
removed his $250 cowboy boots and
sank into the easy chair in SCORCH
advisor Pete Pederstone's office.
Pinto likes to reminisce about his
early years in the music business.
Many people think his meteoric catapult from obscurity to public spectacle
happened overnight. But th€y don't
realize the years .of struggle and
low-rent gigs Pinto played before being
discovered by Nitwitski.
''My first band used to tour the South
in a '48 Packard convertible," says
Pinto, lighting up an incredibly aromatic cigar. ''There was seven of us then
- we'd all fit into this 'ol car with our
equipment and everthing and we'd
play these little clubs all over Texas an
.
Georgia an all them places.''
Then, without warning, tragedy
struck on a desolate stretch of highway
outside of Tunafish, New Mexico.
"We was drivin' from a job in

(also Zen Janitorial Services for your office, home, or mind)

73-~
.
67 Epic
Wee6'd..f7~ 0l~A/T
68Method1cal
74 Colored
70 Pope 71 Therefore 75 Perceive
46
22 Fruit
72 Jagged
0
.
•
- -

DO~N
1 Diplomacy
2 C_ulture me
dium .
3 Can_adian
cabinet
members
4 Jet
5 C~lmed
6 Pigeon pe,
7 Shield
8 Hat fabric~
9 Test:
2 words
10 File
11 Relieve
12 Phase
. 13 Harbor
18 Warning
sound:
Archaic

a.,~

Progress
48 Heaved
Regional
24
51
27 Greek
54 Proficient
pitcher
55 Color
28 Pastries
56 Scrub •
30 Sharpen
32 Central
35 Abraham's 58- Como
60 Harden
.
1
-": 62 Being: Latin
37
Boccaccio 63 Genoan
-magistrate
work
38 Coll. subj. 65 Gather
39 Advantage 66 Toward shelfer
41 Number 2..
43 Card holding 69 Fis.J,.,.- 41 r,~
ct'j

P A G E
A G R A

N 0 E S
E R A T
L A T E
D R
A C
G E N E

~.! .!...!.

L U S T

S
0
T
S

A
N
I
M

M
E
T
E

0
p

A
L

B 0 S C

R I
A L
N E
N• D
0 p
T E A
ll A L
E• L
A
S A Y
A NI
I C T
A
N
T

le

T A
L p

o•
U C
I L
S E
M A
I T
S
0
U
R

0
A
R
E

I

4\ n?

H A s p s

I A L L O T
u R p 0 S E

p E S T E R

T S
0

0 S T
M 0 V I E
N AG E A S
E RI R E T
w I N GN A R E S
T
s 0 A A
SW A G
£
E T T E
A
R H 0 S

---1

!~~!

March 32, 19ought2

---- ---S CO RC H EN TE RT AJN ME NT ---- ---- pag e 9

Foreign students
to host dinner

ENTERTAINMENT CALENDAR
THURSDAY
"GREEN PEAS.
VOYAGES OF
THE
ARTICH OKE,''
Lane County Fairgrounds, $20
cover. THE HENDRI X/JOPLI N
REVIEW , 12 midnight , UO
cemetery. "THE MAGIC
FLUTE,' ' x-rated puppet show, 1
pm Celeste Cambell Center

SUNDAY
EARL SEMI
ANDTHE
STICKBU DDYS
country music, $.50cover, Hanks
Bar and Grille 617 Wall Street.
''THREE HORSES ON A MAN,''
comedy, Not So Big Theatre, 2pm
$45 admission. •

MONDAY
ARCHIE
BIERMU G VRS.
EUGENE
wrestling ,
$200 admission. The Late Steve
Myers' Funeral, Chapel of the
Whisperi ng Voices

SATURDAY

a

Missionary stew , boiled armadillo ,
; bats' brains and other exotic dishes will
be on the menu Friday night when the
; LCC Foreign Students ' Association
I (FSA) hosts the first annual cultural
dinner in LCC 's Renaissa nce Room.

REVERE ND
IKE REVIVAL ,
fairgroun ds in
big brown tent,
no cover ''just
keep those gifts of love coming'' .
Multi-cul tural String Band, UO
Beall Hall, 2 luteadmi ssion. Lead
Zeppelin , Ow Hall, no cover.

The floor of the room is being
removed and a pit dug so that the food
may be prepared in the traditional
manner.

TUESDAY
AW CRAP,
NOTHIN G
TODAY

Visiting students from several countries will prepare native dishes for the
event , which is open to the public.

Tuesday has got to be the most
·nondescript day of the week.
Nothing ever happens on
Tuesday.

Following the dinner , the public will
be invited to participa te in frenzied
singing and dancing , which is scheduled to last until daybreak .
Other activities being planned include a poisen dart game, a greased
hyena wrestling contest, bobbing for
shrunken heads in a barrel of Iranian
crude, and a human sacrifice.

WEDNESDAY
''THE MAGIC
FLUTE''
obscenity trial,
county
courthouse, •
FRED Pl NTO AND THE
FIREVIRDS, Huffy's, no cover.
THE ROYAL LISPAZON
STALLIONS, Gemstreet Station,
$2cover. HARRY CHAPLIN ,
blues, Ground Tavern, $.01

Tickets for the event are on sale in
bookstore and cost $3.50. Dinner is
the
inagent
governm
The ASLCC student
uration will be held next week in the at 4 p .m . abd the other activities begin
at 7 p.m.
cafeteria.
: : . : ..

I
I

Foreign students prepare 'missionary stew' for Fridays cultural dinner.

KLCC-TV satellite crashes!
by Frank Babcock
of The SCORCH

''Wham! ''
In a single word, "Bulldoz er," a CB
operating long-haul trucker , described
the sound made when a communications satellite struck his truck as he
traveled north on 1-5 Monday night.
The satellite, which was part of the
Communications Resource and Shared
Educational Development Program
(CRASHED), had , just moments before , destroyed KLCC ' s TV broadcas t
antenna. The satellite' s momentu m
carried it the half mile to 1-5 before it
came to rest in the side of "Bulldozer's" 18 wheeler.
' 'There I was , '' recalls Bulldozer,
''rakin ' leaves doin' a double nickel on
the big slab when , mercy sakes alive!, I
10-31 this here space machine and I
knew I needed to get 10-33. But there
was a hag feast on 17 and 9 so I started
lookin' for a cleaner channel.

"Danged if everythin g was a bad
scene so I cut the coax fer awhile w!1ile I
put on my snowsho es.''
Bulldozer says that cured his problem and he ·got a response right away.
"I finally found a good buddy in a
draggin' wagon that had his ears on.
He gave me a big strong comeback but
the skip was bad and his 10-20 was
Amarillo, Texas.
"Then this real fog-lifter gave me
a holler jist as I was about to set out for a
land line.
" 'Teardro p' was his handle and he
was push in' a thermos bottle and gave
me a 10-26 of five .
"By golly, was I ever glad to hear
that, and then in no time at all it seems
like 'Teardro p,' a couple of Tijuana
Taxis and a meat wagon were all right
there to comfort me.
"Pretty soon a lotta good buddies
started gatherin' and I reckoned we
might just be.,_havin' a jamboree right
there on the ~boulevard ."
The satellite was totally destroyed .

:

)I.

.

: : ••

:

"

l'ID

;,~

.•

iG ~~ ~o ~~ a~ ~! !~ Jiga
B
M
Yes, that's right- --road treatm ent. Most
folks are aware of the amazi ng lubric ation •
and engin e cleani ng qualit ies of SPT, and
in previo us demo nstrat ions I've shown you
• how SPT is so slick you canno t hold a
screw driver tip when SPT has been applie d
to lt.
Well, it has value as a road treatm ent
too! How else do you think I've won all
those thous ands of races? ! Why, all ya have
to do is when ever someb ody starts to pass
on the big oval, ya just do like I do and dump
just a little SPT out the windo w and watch
'em spin out. Ha! It's great!
Just think! You'r e drivin ' along mindi n'
yer own busin ess on the big expre ssway
and some nerd starts tail gating with his
lights on bright . All ya gotta do is just dump
a wee bit of SPT road treatm ent out the
windo w and watch the S.O.B . spin off into
never land. Ooh, la la!
m:t 2E!

I

I

page l O - - - - - ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ - - - - M a r c h 3 2 , 19ought2

Security saves 'stra nge duck '
by Frank Babcock
of The SCORCH
After spending an excruciating three
days without food or water and burderted
with 395 pounds of weight on his back,
Casper Armstrong, an LCC weightlifting
student, is glad to be alive even though his
physical condition is still poor from the
ordeal.
The nightmare began last Friday afternoon when Armstrong, who is training for
the "Mr. Solar System" contest in Portland
next month, decided to work out in the LCC
weight room before going home for the
weekend.
"I made a stupid - almost fatal error," Armstrong confesses. "There was
nobody in the weight room and I wanted to
do some squats real, real bad so I went
ahead and started doin' them without no
spotter." (A spotter assists the lifter in
handling the tremendous weights and is
present for safety reasons.)
According to Armstrong, he began doing
squats with very light weights and, feeling
particularly good this night, got carried
away until he tried to squat with 395
pounds, a personal best.

'I made a stupid
almost fatal -· error.'
" But," says Armstrong, "when I squatted down the second time with all that
weight on my shoulders I couldn't get up.
"There I was, sittin' right down on my
.heels and I couldn't get up to save me. And
the bar was dug into the heavy muscle on
my back so deep I could't throw it off."
At this point, Armstrong found that he
could only waddle, \:Vith the weights rocking
heavy on his shoulders.
For several hours he waddled around the
weight room yelling for help, but the
campus was vacant and security officers did
not hear him. Finally his voice gave out on
him.
"I was not only walking like a duck,"
Armstrong says , "but I began to sound like
one until I had no voice at all."
Sometime around midnight Sunday,
Armstrong, in a desperate attempt to save
his own life, was able to open first the doors
of the weight room and then the doors out of
the P.E. Building with his teeth.
Again, like a duck, he waddled out into
the rain, his weary feet sinking deep into the
mud.
And he began to roam about the campus,
searching for a security officer.
About 5 a.m. Monday, night security
officer Jack Jenkins, on a routine foot patrol
of the campus, discovered a deep set of
footprints in the lawn in front of the
Performing Arts Building.

'I

tros

not only walking like

a duck . - but I began to
sound like one ... '
"Jesus!" exclaimed Jenkins. "When I
saw those footprints I knew I come on the
trail of one big _dude!
"Imagine my surprise when, about an
hour later, I saw this silhouette way up in
!}uJ·south parking lot. It looked like a great
big duck with funny wings and the creature
looked to be about 2½ feet tall.
"Just to be sure, though, I drew my
weapon," says Jenkins, "and slipped up on
this guy.''
"I came right up behind him, stuck the
muzzle of my 44 magnum right to the
middle of his back and said 'freeze.' ''
"When I felt that gun at my back," says
Armstrong, "I was so scared that I lifted
that whole 395 pounds right straight up in
the air, just the reflex of puttin my hands
up."
When Jenkins realized what the situation
was , he immediately removed the weights
from Armstrong and transported him to
Sacred Heart Hospital.

Triton of·
the week

LEX LEE PARSON has been named this

-;•;;;:~;-;-;-.

A new safety consciousness has come to LCC's weightlifting squad since Casper
Armstrong's near-fatal accident last Friday. Lifters are now limited to a maximum of five
pounds per lift. Photo by Rockie Moch.
Today, Armstrong is beginning to recover from the ordeal but doctors predict
that it may be a year before he is able to
move from the squatting position his
muscles are now frozen into.
"It's kind of embarrassing," says Arm-

strong, "when I have to waddle everywhere
I go, but I'm getting used to it. And people
are real nice. I don't even have to carry my
own tray in the cafeteria anymore and I get
to squat on the chairs when I eat and that's
kind of neat.''

week's Trition of the Week. Student
Parson earned the award by edging out
track and field star I.M. Tired. Tired
high jumped 8'6", setting a new world
record in that event. Normally that kind
of above-average -effort would easily
capture the Triton of the Week award,
but Parson also set a record.
In a three-day event, Parson managed
to elude police in the Coast Range for two
days, 19 hours, 23 minutes and 18
seconds -- setting a new school and
personal record. Following the award
ceremony, Parson was arrested and
given bonus points for charges of murder
kidnapping and rape.
Parson is currently enrolled in the
CJW program and is earhing credit at
the Oregon State Penitentiary at Salem.

World high jump record set on spikes

by Ed Peters
of The SCORCH

The defending champion LCC Triton
Track and Field team placed a distant
eighth in last week's regional finals in
Salem. The Tritons had previously held the
league title for eight years.
"Our budget finally caught up with us,"
sighed C~ach Harry Leggs. ''We spent too
much money during the season. We could·
only afford to send .our best athlete, I.M.
Tired, to the regional meet.''
Triton problems were compounded when
the twenty-year-old P.E. Department van
broke down 40 miles from Salem. Luckily,
Tired had his bike in the van and peddled
the rest of the way into Salem.
Even though Tired missed the first three
running events he did manage to make it to
the intermediate hurdles. Tired ran an
extremely strong race and crossed the finish
line in first place, but was disqualified
because of an incident during the race.
''I don't know why they disqualified me,''
yelled Tired. ''I got here late and I had to
carry my equipment. It wasn't my fault that
a Cluckamas runner ran into my javelin.''
The race was awarded to Jim Jock of
Cluckamas, posthumously.
In the pole vault, Tired was only able to
jump 4'3" in his first and only attempt.
Tired was forced to drop out because at the
height of his first attempt his plexiglass
pole snapped in two.
"I have never seen that happen before,"
said meet director Steve Steady. "He
should never have tried to pole vault with
his shot put, hammer and discus. Some
people don't trust anyone."
Just when things started to look bad for
Tired, his luck changed. Tired set a new
regional high jump record of 8'6".
"It was just a fluke," moaned Tired. "It
was my turn to jump and I stepped back and
tripped over my shot put and fell right on my
track spikes. Needless to say, I went over
the bar in a hurry.''
During the day several of the other teams
in the meet, namely Cluckamas, Chmucketa
and SWOOSH, complained to officials that
Tired was interfering with their athletes.

Tired had dropped earlier and fell into the
"He is a hazard to my athletes," griped
,
sand pit face first.''
Chmucketa Coach Bob Bounce. , "In the
Coach Leggs stated that he was looking
10,000 meter race he dropped his hammer
on my star runner, Lanky Mile, and put him ... forward to next season and plans to try some
of Tired's innovative high jump training
out of the race. And in the triple jump my
techniques_.
son Junior Bounce tripped on the discus

DANCE SCHOOL
DO YOU HA VE A LEFT FOOT AND A RIGHT FOOT?
BRING YOUR DANCING PROBLEMS TO

AUTHUR SMURRY DANCE SCHOOL.
WE'LL HA VE YOU DANCING UP A STORM IN THREE
SHAKES .OF A CAT'S WHISTLE·
GUARENTEED TO INCREASE YOUR SEX A_PPEAL,
SELF-CONFIDENCE, JOB PROSPECTS
AND BODY ODOR

ATTENTION :
OUR ATTRACTIVE DANCE INSTRUCTORS ARE
NOT AVAILABLE FOR AFTER-HOURS FRATERNIZING·
HOWEVER, IF YOU WANT TO SET UP A LITTLE
SOMETHING ON THE SIDE, IT'S 0.K. BY US·

LEARN TWO DANCES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE
DURING OUR WEEKLY SPECIAL·
•CALL TODAY FOR YOUR DANCE LESSONS.
WE'RE IN THE PHONE BOOK.

Ji.- -- -- ----- ----- ----- -- page 11

March 32, 19ought2 - - - - - - --

Hurlers sp
"This here is the finest group of young
men I've ever had the pleasure of
coaching," praises LCC Baseball Coa.:
Homer Homer of his men's varsity team
The team, which sports a 1-6 record. wi,I
begin its first series of road game'>
Thursday against the Los Angeles Dodgers.
''I've been tellin' these boys all week t 1at
all they gotta do is think positive nd
remember the fundamental s and they c.i. n
whip them (Dodgers).
" And not only that," Homer continues,
" but if they do beat the Dodgers, they' ll
have reason to be proud of themselves .·•

-t re
As n .. esu,t • ,he forfeit, Finley has filed
suit aga·ust t ollege asking for defamation o-t charact •recompense in the amount
of 7 •111llion. f.i f' legal counsel has 90 days
in w1• ic, tor : • 1d to the threatened court
action.
om ·r , me :1: -vhile, seems unconcerned
abou . Finley' .. ,,; l•tion and the loss margins
his i cam h • " been experiencing. (The
close~l gamt: wa c; a 112-0 rout at the hands
of the Milwa·me Brewers who had sent
their bottom Hnc-up.)
"lr ' s my phtlosophy," says Homer
dramaticall y. ''that it's a real world out
1

LCC baseball coach
Homer Homer walks
sadly off the field
after his team was
edged out by the New
York Yankees 213-0.

0

Homer, who insists that his team play
only major league teams, has seen his club
. suffer some agonizing defeats recently. The
worst game at the hands of the lowly San
Francisco Giants who pasted the Tritons
with 412 hits and 372 runs in eight innings.
The game, which began at 8 a.m., was
called due to darkness at 6:45 p.m.
At ten hours and forty-five minutes, the
game eclipsed the LCC record for longest
game played. The previous record was set
the week before when the Tritons were
embarrassed by the New York Yankees
211-0 in a seven-hour-and-34-minute disaster.
LCC' s single win came as a result of a
forfeit by the Oakland A's who, under the
direction of owner Charles Finley, refused
to travel to LCC because LCC' s television
coverage is restricted to the campus station
KLCC.

A tired Thurman
Munsen [#19] strolls
out of the park after
hitting a record 87
home runs off Triton
pitchers.
The Trition sluggers are currently last
in the league in defense, having given up
2,318 runs in seven
games.

there - a harsh, unforgiving world. Losing
a game now and .then is part of life. And
these fine boys of mine are a part of life, and
they're gonna have to lose a few maybe
before they win.
"But one of these days, we're gonna
catch one of these teams on an off day, and
then, by God, all hell's gonna break loose
and we're gonna walk away with our
shoulders square and our heads held high,
yesseree!"
Homer, who is coaching for the first time
at LCC, was drafted out of high school in
1947 by the Brooklyn Dodgers as a pitcher.
He was cut from the club during spring
practice, however, when he refused to pitch
against other major league clubs.
Homer was quoted at the time as saying
that the name of the game was winning "life is going out and winning, and the only
sure way to win is to play small college
teams." .

Coach Hap Tarp [in white with toque] organizes students to search for Aaron Lungs in
the Sierra Mountains of California.

Run ner take s wro ng turn
LCC recently Jost one of its premier
distance runners during the Sixth Annual
Spring Chicken Road Run last Saturday.
The run, which was clearly marked out
over a 10-mile stretch of local secondary
roads, was apparently not marked well
enough for Aaron Lungs, who took a right
turn off 30th Ave. onto 1-5 and headed
south.
Lungs, who had gained a quarter-mile
lead on the field of 700 runners during the
first half mile of the race, took the freeway
entrance instead of cros~ing the overpass
and heading for Seavey Loop as he should

have.
He has not been seen since, although a
truck driver reported seeing a runner fitting
Lung's description jogging east on I-8 near
San Diego.
LCC track coach Hal Tarp, who was
officiating the road run, expressed hope
that Lung would regain his orientation soon
and return to LCC for its first dual track and
field meet next Tuesday.
"I figure," says Tarp, "that Aaron is
good for l O points in this first meet and
those to points might be the points we need
to win."

Hoo pste rs losin g hall s
by Frank Babcock

of The SCORCH
''This has to be the weirdest team I have
ever coached,'' says Hooper Bates, the LCC
men's varsity basketball coach.
.. As you know, our record in league play
this year is a disappointing 0-13," Bates
says disgustedly, "and it's because whenever we get into the lead in a game, one of
our players seems to become obsessed with
dribbling the ball out of the gymnasium and
hitchhiking home.''

The Tritons, who have suffered from this;
strange affliction all season, are now faced
with a financial dilemma due to their odd
behavior in games.
Bates says at the beginning of each
season, the LCC Athletic Department
a11ocates funds sufficient for the purchase of
15 game balls to be used by the Tritons
during the regular basketball season.
"As it stands now," says Bates, "we
have three games left to play and only two
balls.
''I'm concerned that we're just not going
to have the balls to finish the basketball
season."

Hostile hecklers
lwund ivornen
by Frank Babcock
of The SCORCH
Despite fierce heckling from a hostile
home crowd, the LCC women's basketbaII
team posted a 45-39 win over Chicklets
Community Conege after two overtimes.
The spectators, who had arrived near the
end of the game to watch the men's varsity
game with Chicklets, became unruly when
the women's game, delayed by overtimes,
ran over into the time when the men's game
was to be played.
Said one annoyed men's fan, "I'm just
getting damned sick of the encroachment of
women into sports - one of the few
remaining bastions of male supremacy.
These broads can hide behind the Title IX
legislation an they want, but an they're
doing is creating resentment among their
fellow Americans by institutionalizing dullness.
"Hell, they can't even stuff the ball!"
Responded the LCC women's coach, Sue
Bronson, "I resent such chauvanism, but
what can I say? My girls can't stuff the ball
but neither can the men. Besides, I can't
give much regard to the men's fans when
there are only three of them."
The next women's game is set for next
Tuesday with Judkins Protestant.

I

•

V1

Classifieds

For Sale
DYNAMITE POT.
2 lbs., S600. 215-7237, Herb
·--·-····················-············---------------------------------GREEN "TRAIL•BEATER" backpack, good shape. $10.
215-7237.
------------------------------------------------------······----------'64 VW VAN. Runs good, free rolling papers. S795.
215.7237
'74 CHEVY CAMARO 454 V-8, 4 spd., black with trick

interior, Only $3795. 215-7237.
------------------------------ --···························· ···········HANDSOME DEADWOOD AWARD. I paid $350 for it,
but I'll let it go for $200. Contact M. Madden, LCC Social
Science Dept.
FARTLY CLARINET, crummy tone but cheap. Sl0

today.

461•6554

FOR SALE: Dog crap. $2.50 per pile. Great for brown

bag gags. Contact Keg Badcrock. 354•2343

Lost & Found
STOLEN: 74 Chev Camaro, black, trick interior, call

345•8911, no questions asked.

·········
··-····-·-·-·······-············ ·····-----LOST, green "Trail-beater" backpack. If found, return

to SCORCH office.

STOLEN OR MISPLACED: '64 VW Van from my house
plus 2 lbs. of pot. $1,000 reward, no questions asked.
251•7800.
LOST: briefcase in cafeteria. Reward.

No questions

asked . Contact Dumali office.
----········------······-------------------------------·······---------1 LOST MY J.D. March 3 at High Ron's. Call 437•8365

Gratis
HANDSSOME DEADWOOD Award or about 25 cords of
uncut firewood. Contact M. Madden, Social Science

Pets
WHITE CAT with orange markings. Malicio us and good
with claws. Former house pet, now lurking around 12th
and Polk. If you catch him, he's yours. Good luck.
-----···················-------------------------······----------------AKC REGISTERED Doberman Poodle. Great attack
dog yet compact enough to be handy. Doesn't eat much.
253·1361 after 7 p.m. but before 8 p.tn. on Monday.
0

Wanted
OIJl SHIRELLE ALBUMS , also Steveie Wonder, B.B.
King, Leadbelly •• top $ paid. Call 213•0561 for W.
•
O'Malley.

······------------------------------------------------------------------

wANTED: Job with major newspaper,

high pay, good
beat and excellent benefits. Contact B. Weight,
SCORCH office
--------------------------------------············---------------------NEED ELECTRIC paintbrush adaptor for plumbing
work.
213·1650.
--------········-------------· ···········-·················· -----------GRADE 8 OR BETTER term papers. Hank 213•0517
--·------------·-··········------------------------------------------NEW TEAM MEMBERS NEEDED for the Self.Abuse
Squad. Whips and chains provided. Try•outs next
Monday. Sign up at the Women's Awareness Room .
Please •• help us beat all the competition.

Services
CAMPUS ATHEIST MINISTRY offers Moonie/ Jones/·

Children of God detoxification clinic. Begins today 2
p.m., 207 Forum. Bring your friends!!
--------········--·············-------------·········------------------PHYSICAL THERAPIST I will turn your little worries
into big ones. Low rates. Call Lenore 234•8765.

Notices
STEVE MYERS died grusomely and is survived by his

pet frog Sam. Mourners will gather to console the
bunkie•widow next Saturday. BYOB.

ROSE,

forget

it.

Helen

WOW, like•· ah•· I mean, like it's•- phew. Sunflower

Car Repair

--------------........................................................................................
Forget Jane.
Tom

JOHNNY. Pull yourself together man.

Let's get married.

CAR GOT THE BLAHS? Bring it in to Born Again Auto
Shop. Easy rates and free estimates.

Help Wanted

Where•~ my Eddy?

Julie

··-····-············ ···················· ·····-·------

HELEN

Helen

Helen

PLEASE!!!

Jane

JOHNNY AND TOM, If you don't call me soon I'll kill

myself.

Jane.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------ANYBODY!! Just come over and pick it up. I'll forget
the
$200.
Milt

--·······-············-··············-----·········----------·······----

SEVERAL WORK STUDY STUDENTS are needed to

strain Blue Dye #532 our of the LCC goldfish pond. If you
are a Flight Tech major, you can also get CWJ/SFW/.
SAW / SWS credit.
Limited openings.
···········--------------------------···.. ·····--------·······---------MANAGEMENT TRAINEE. Are you an ambitious
self•starter? If you are, High Ron's is willing to provide
top·notch training and false I.D. Inquire at South by
Southwest parking lot.

---------------------------------------------------------------········-

WE NEED HARDY PERSONS to aid in the search for
Aaron Lungs, LCC's ace (if not accurate) track star. If
you have some free time, please notify Hal Tarp in the
P.E. Department•·-·--· soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!

DEAR BILL, I liked the class except for the one movie
about those weirdos. But Soc. has helped me be more
tolerant of some things. A student.
GRETA , I love you.
------------------------·

JOHN, I love you,

------------------------·

GRETA, Let's get back together.

John

················· ············----- ----

JOHN. OK .

Greta

······················ ······················ ········----GRETA, How about the $830? Your faithful attorney.

JOHN. How about the $4,861.00? State of Oregon.

----··········---············· ·--------------

JOHN, screw off.

Greta

··--·---·-··-···-····-· ·-···--··--···-········ ···-··----GRETA, 1 did that before. I don't want to go to court

Messages

again.

JOHN, I love you.
GRETA, I love you.

JOHNNY, Thanks for being a good sport.

Jane
-------------------------------------------····........................................ .
HELEN, I don't know how those boots wound up in my
car. Please take me back.
Rose
THOSE ROYAL LISPAZON STALIJONS are great.
Check 'em out.
Bruce.
JOHNNY, Thanks for being a good sport.
Tom
----------·-------------- ---------·"'·-.............................. .
EDDY, come over Uckety apUt ancl we'll have IOme hm,
Jalle

JUNE, If you don't call me soon I'll kill myself. Johnny
ANYBODY got any breath mints?

John
Greta

Eddy.

john

Greta
John

JOHN, Let's get back . . . er . . . never mind. Greta

IN MEMORY OF STEVE MYERS: "He sat on ,my
face."
The Phantom Editor

-----------------··-----

TO LCC STUDENTS: My name is James Crocks. I
have been your ASLCC President all year. All year,
goddammit! I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it
any more. You' re all a bunch of apathetic, nimcompoops.
I hate you. I quit. Sincerely, James Crocks, ASLCC
President.
COACH TARP: Please help. I need bus fare home.
Please send $82 to Trailways Depot, Memphis,. ,enn.
c/o me. Thanx, Aaron Lungs.

---··-····---··-· ·-··········----- ------