Lane Community College Vol. 22, No. 19 April 1, 1982 - 1i 4000 E. 30th Ave. Eugene, OR 97405 . ,, 1982 Rust attacks Atiyeh's plans to attract defense industry by Ron Kelley of the TORCH When Gov. Vic Atiyeh recently denounced President Reagan's attempts to balance the budget, Atiyeh was "biting the hand that feeds him,'' said Democratic gubernatorial hopeful Jerry Rust at LCC March 30. Photo by Bonnie Nicholas Democratic gubernatorial candidate Jerry Rust spoke on alternatives to nuclear energy at LCC March 30 "He (Atiyeh) has a hand out to Washington saying, 'give me military contracts,' (to draw industry dollars into Oregon) but with his other hand he is manipulating his political position by renouncing Reaganomics." said Rust. In a recent letter to the president, Atiyeh criticized Reagan's bid for increased military spending. Atiyeh requested a decrease in the spending to lower huge federal deficits and high interest rates which are crippling Oregon's housing industry. Rust followed an impromptu speech to about 30 students outside of the Center Building with a special interview with ·the TORCH. He told the TORCH that Atiyeh wanted "a share of Reagan's planned trillion dollar investment in the military over the next few years." Atiyeh announced to the Oregon legislature last February that his new economic recovery program would include luring defense industries and contracts to Oregon, Rust said. But Rust has different plans for Oregon: "I '11 fight to keep the defense industry out of our state . . . The most important movement in America is the Peace Movement and I'm a Fumes scare prompts action Despite assurances that no health hazards exist in the Health Occupations building, the LCC Board March 10 authorized $4,700 for modifications to the building's exhaust and ventilation systems. Concern about health hazards in the building emerged when eight home economics employees complained of nerve damage last fall. The concern heightened when fumes from the dental lab forced the evacuation of 18 children from the building's Child Development Center Feb. 5. The board followed Na-tional Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (NIOSH) recommendations to: • Increase air pressure in the Home Economics Department offices and classrooms. Air conditioning in the building will be modified to maintain positive air pressure in the Home Economics area. A NIOSH report said negative air pressure could cause potentially contaminated air to filter into the Home Economics area. LCC maintenance staff will make this modification. • Change the exhaust duct leading from the campus laundry to the roof of the building. The NIOSH report recommends pointing the final portion of the duct up -- not horizontally as it now points -to dilute "potentially toxic contaminants from the dryer.'' The board authorized • An LCC dean worries that maintenance will take a back seat to 'people dollars.' See story, page 4. modification. • Install additional vents in the dental lab. The NIOSH report said the dental lab "lacks adequate local ventilation." LCC Facilities Director Paul Colvin says eight registers and two ducts will be installed to comply with this recommendation. The board authorized $4,000 to contract for this modification. Colvin says the three modifications should be completed within a month. The area's depressed economy, he says, has created a light workload for local contractors. In these circumstances, says Colvin, having contracted work done is simply a matter of soliciting quotes on the work to be done and writing a contract. • Telecourses are providing a convenient form of education for over 500 LCC students. See story, page 5. He said his preference would be for Oregon to the on capitalize "telecommunications revolution sweeping the nation,'' and to eventually export technology and programming following investments in '' hard core research and development at campuses such as OIT (Oregon Institute of Technology)." Rust claimed other sig~ificant differences with Atiyeh's policies, criticizing Atiyeh's support of the nuclear industry, Atiyeh's approach this winter to balance the state's $317 million deficit, and the resultant cuts in higher education. Turn to Rust, page 3 Board victors emerge Vents to undergo changes by Larry Swanson of the TORCH peace candidate." by Jeff Keating of the TORCH . Mary Unruh and Robert Bowser won close races for two vacant LCC Board seats Tuesday in an election that made news primarily because of its low turnout. Only 7.65 percent of Lane County's 152,542 eligible voters went to the polls March 30 to determine, among other county positions, the replacements for former LCC Board members Catherine Lauris and Les Hendrickson. Unruh, a 29-year-old Eugene stockbroker, edged perennial candidate Mel Jackson and two other candidates in the Zone 5 spot vacated by Lauris. Unruh's 3,715 votes beat out the former county commissioner candidate's 3,517 ballots. Bowser, 39, emerged the victor in a 14-candidate race for Hendrickson's at-large board slot. The Eugene construction management firm owner topped Eugene law clerk Peter Sorenson's votes 1,862 to 1,706. No other candidate in the large field got as much as 8 percent of the vote as compared to Bowser's 15.9 percent and Sorenson's 15.7 percent. The two newest LCC Board members will assume their duties beginning July I. • Are society's stigmas creating obstacles for the mentally ill? See story, page 8. Page 2 April 1, 1982 - ~ , 1982 The TORCH FREE FOR ALL Board members should strive for equal representation LCC Board's scope must expand Editorial by Ron Kelley of the TORCH .- The TORCH welcomes Mary Unruh and Robert Bowers to the two LCC Board of Education seats being vacated July I. Unruh and Bowers were narrowly elected by Lane County voters to the vacant seats March 30. The TORCH was unable to interview the candidates and to inform the LCC community of their individual merits since the last issue of the term was on March 4, only a day after the filing deadline for candidates. The candidates' comments appeared in the Eugene Register-Guard. They were comforting but too limited to make any sound predictions of what the LCC community might expect. The TORCH offers, instead, a few concerns about how we believe the LCC Board should fulfill its mandate from the voters. The issues at LCC this year go far beyond concern for proper management of an educational facility. They involve the very survival of higher education in a climate of crisis. -Letters Abortion no ioke To The Editor: - This letter is in response to all the anti-abortion letters the TORCH has received lately. On March 5 and 8, I conducted a "pro-choice" petition drive here on campus. In this short time I accumulated close to 300 signatures (25 percent male). The petition reads: Affirmation of Pro-Choice ''We the undersigned are opposed to any bill or amendment which limits the rights of women to control their own • bodies. More specifically, we oppose the Hatch amendment, Family Protection Act, and And more than ever before LCC must be viewed as pivotal to this county's capacity to recover economically. It is the hingepin of the area's ability to diversify and to retrain itself in the wake of high unemployment and huge deficits. But board activities lie in · two primary arenas: • One arena includes LCC's commitment to the Lane County community and to Oregon's system of higher education. LCC's tentacles reach into every corner of the county. And outside organizations borrow or rent the facilities. • When residents want to increase their skills, change their careers, pay affordable tuition for continued education, or ready themselves for university studies -- they turn to LCC rather than a major institution. The board must maintain its long standing "open door" policy and provide accessible education for the citizens it serves. And it must not draw arbitrary battle lines between vocational and college preparatory classes. • The other arena includes the LCC family -- the administration, faculty, the Human Life bill." At this time I would like to thank those who showed their support by signing this petition ... Thank You. I suggest to all those who oppose the right of choice in the matter of abortion to add "Introduction to Women's Studies," Seq. 1498, Course WS 101 to their schedules. You may not change your perspective on this issue; however, you may better understand a woman's perspective in our culture today. Today is April 1, April Fool's Day. The issue of abortion is not a joke. Understanding the complexities involved The TORCH EDITOR: Ron Kelley ASSOCIATE EDITOR: Larry Swanson FEATURES EDITOR: Jeff Keating INFORMATION EDITOR: Paula Case PHOTO EDITO R: Bonnie Ni cholas STAFF REPORTERS: David Bowers, Susan Crosman, Belinda Gomez, Terry Rhoads, Marty Schwarzbauer, Mike Sims STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS: Michael Bailey, Paul Caporale, Andrew Hanhardt, Lisa Jones, Gene White PRODUCTION MANAGER: Tim Swillinger PRODUCTION ADVISOR: Lesa Carmean PRODUCTION: Paula Case, Lauri Geer, Caryn Jacobson, Jeff Keating, Barbara Littman, Bonnie Nicholas, Linda Reynolds, Mike Sims, Larry Swanson, Tim Swillinger, Gene White CARTOONIST AND GRAPHIC ARTISTS: Marvin Denmark, William DiMarco, Bill Lee INFORMATION ASSISTANT: Becky Mach ADVERTISING MANAGER : Jan Brown ADVERTISING ASSISTANT: Caryn Jacobson COPYSETTER: Linda Johns RECEPTIONIST: Linda Reynolds DISTRIBUTION: Tim Olson The TORCH is a studen1-managed newspaper, published on Thursdays, Seplcmber through June. News stories are compressed, con,ise reports, in1ended to be as fair and balanced as possible. Some ma y appear with a byline to indicale the reporter responsible. News features, because of their broader s,opc, may .:ontain some judgmen1s on the pan of 1he writer. They are identified with a "feature" byline. "Forums" are essay, contribu1ed by TORCH readers and are aimed at broad issues facing members of 1he communi ty. They should be limited to 750 words. "Lelters to 1he Editor" are intended as short rnmmentaries on stories appearing in The TORCH. The editor reserves the right to edit for libel or length. "Omnium-Gatherum" se rves as a public announcement forum. Activities related to LCC will be given priority. All correspondence must be typed and signed by the writer. Deadlines are the Monday prior to publication. Mail or bring all correspondence to: The TORCH, Room 205 Center Building, 4000 E. 30th Ave. Eugene, Or 97401. Phone 747-4501, ext. 2654. students and staff. The facets comprising this family are diverse. The board must represent each facet equally if it is to better fulfill its responsibilities to the voting public. But board actions witnessed by the TORCH regarding labor/administration negotiations have shown that this is not the case. During discussions in closed door sessions, it is difficult to tell the difference between administration and board members. The chief negotiator speaks to board members as though the victories or losses for the administration on the negotiating table are tallies on the board's scorecard. These interactions between the administration and board members foster an attitude which should be discouraged. They limit the scope of the board members and, consequently, result in narrowly based decisions. Why do board mernbers assume the posture and interests of the administration as their own when it is charged with representing all facets of LCC? How can Lane residents expect the board to respond to the county's need to div_ersify if it chooses to maintain in living in this ''male dominated'' society leads me (and hopefully others) to believe that the "choice" is not the fecleral or state government's or the Moral Majority's; it is the right of the individual to choose to or not to abort. Mr. Tracy M. Davis Pro-parenthood To The Editor: Some elements in our "modern" society tend to devalue the importance of the family unit. That's too bad because if strong American families become the exception -- rather than the rule -America cannot preserve itself as a culture or a nation for very long. Young men and women are told their highest priority and goal in life lies in ascertaining a "glamorous" or high-paying occupation while the idea of bringing up a family is, at best,- presented as secondary in importance to monetary success. Certain types of accomplishments receive much glorification today while the importance of parenthood is ignored -- or even significantly downplayed. That's rather odd since our nation could endure without many of its glamorous occupations but it certainly couldn't continue with motherhood and fatherhood. So which undertaking is really the most im- this posture? Board members are entrusted with virtually total decision-making powers over every aspect of campus life. They establish all curricula, student, faculty and staff requirements, admission standards, use of grounds and facilities, budget determinations, real property negotiations, and student services. Their authority is only limited by state law and the amount of dollar appropriations alloted by the state. Certainly, it is appropriate for board members to view themselves as ''managers''. But they are managers for the county's citizens. They must distinguish their task from the necessary role the college administration plays in its negotiations with labor or in providing for students' needs. The board's task is larger. They must balance the world outside of LCC with the world within. LCC's diverse facets -- administration, faculty, students and staff -- must have equal access to the board. And county residents must continue to have equal access to LCC's quality programs. portant overall? Parents have the opportunity to cultivate desirable values and behavior in our future generations. What other accomplishment can substitute for success in creating, nurturing, and providing the direction for the citizens who will inherit this country? Just remember, no amount of military hardware or financial power will preserve America in the long run if youth accept a philosophy that parenthood isn't such a meaningful or worthwhile goal. The foundations of all great nations, including our own, rest on preservation of the family unit. Let's give parenthood the respect it truly deserves. Theresa Cross Poverty-'s murder To Whom It May Concern- -and it concerns you! The number of destitute and improverished in our population is growing by leaps and bounds. Those already destitute or grossly impoverished will quickly die; the poor will live somewhat longer. The newly impoverished and destitute will survive longer, as at present most are in good health. What will kill these people as surely as a bullet in their heads? Starvation - there won't be enough garbage to keep them alive; lack of medical care and medicines; lack of shelter from the elements; increased illness due to loss of resistance and near starvation. Those few who may survive until jobs start becoming available again will NOT be hired. Why will they NOT be hired? Unfit to work even part-time; unqualified for the types of jobs by then available; unable to get the training for new types of work, even if fit to undertake the training, which most will not be. I'm NOT talking about a few hundred or a few thousand people. I am talking about a very large and growing number of our people who as yet are still a minority of the population. Due to the increasing unemployment and loss of jobs open to the unemployed increasing rapidly, it will not be long until this minority becomes a majority of our population. In my opinion, Reagan's economic policies are just as inhumane and vicious as was Hitler's "final solution" to the Jewish problem, which he justified by claiming that the Jews were responsible for all of Germany's economic problems. In both cases, deaths resulting from such programs are DELIBERATE MURDER .. .in my opinion. Marge Paulie On the Wire Compiled by Larry Swanson of the TORCH from AP wire service reports Reagan supports nuclear arms freeze, but . .. WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Pres. Reagan, at a March 31 press conference, says he supports a nuclear arms freeze -- but only after the US and Soviet Union are closer together in numbers of strategic weapons. The administration says the Soviets now hold an advantage over the US. Reagan's speech drew quick criticism from Oreg?n Senator Mark Hatfield. Hatfield charged Reagan with "fantasyland thinking." Referring to Reagan's _statement that the Soviet Union could absorb a retahatory US nuclear attack and strike back, Hatfield said, "~ first strike by either side would in effect destroy this planet." Four killed in airdrop exercise FORT IRWIN, Calif. -- Four Army paratroopers were killed and 156 injured March 30 in a training exercise conducted in a Southern California wind storm. Nearly 3,000 Army troops particip~ted in Gallant Eagle 82, the largest military airdrop smce Wo~ld War II. The operation was designed to test the readmess of the military's Rapid Deployment Force. The Army says the original injury toll doubled when it altered the way it classified the men as injured. Defense budget reaffirmed in South Korea SEOUL, South Korea -- Defense Secretary Caspar Weinberger reaffirmed the Reagan administration's commitment to defend South Korea from an invasion from North Korea in a speech to business and community leaders in Seoul March 30. The defense secretary told the South Koreans that American forces in the Pacific region "are being strengthened'' and that the commitment was a "reaffirmation" of the Reagan administration's expanding defense budget. RU S t The TORCH April 1, 1982 continued from page 1 • Rust said he is the only candidate to call for termination of the five WPPSS (Washington Public Power Supply System) nuclear plants under construction. WPPSS plants four and five are being terminated. Plants one and three may follow suit if officials act on recent reports stating the plants' expected power is no longer needed in the Northwest. The costs for all five plants has reached nearly $27 billion, increasing utility rates in some districts. Rust says Atiyeh has long been an advocate for nuclear power and the WPPSS project. He says the governor shelved a report from The Alternative Energy Development Commission which he empowered more than a year ago to study alternatives to nuclear energy. The commission reported that at least 4,000 megawatts (the equivalent of 4 Trojan Nuclear Power Plants) could be developed with resources that are renewable, said Rust. Energy can be created right now "without damming up wild rivers -- that would be environmentally, technically and economically feasible,'' he said. And he added that Oregon has a unique geographic advantage for pioneering renewable energy systems such as solar, wind and geothermal. • Rust also differed with Atiyeh's efforts to balance the more than $317 million state deficit. Rust supports a graduated income tax that 6-year-old's_'trial' may move to Disney World GAINESVILLE, Fla. -- The case of a 6-year-old girl charged with bloodying the nose of a playmate may move from criminal court to Disney World under the auspices of a private arbitrator, officials said March 29. A "citizen arbitrator" will sit down with the parents of first-grader Nancy Jo Burch and those of the 7-yearold alleged victim, Shirley Lynn Nickolls, and help them resolve the dispute, State Attorney Eugene Whitworth said. '' I may suggest that we all go to dinner and the movies together; bring the kids. We may all go to Disney World or something," said Gary Weinstein, who will function as arbitrator. Because of recent state alloted monies totaling $400,000, the Lane County Heating Assistance Program will process 2,500 more low income households this year than expected. A few months ago the heating assistance program ran out of its $825,000 federally allocated money to help low income families heat their homes. Richie Weinman, office supervisor, says the program ran short because of the large number of low income families receiving aid -because of ''the unemployment rate and the saddened state of the economy.'' The program received another $269,000 from the state on Feb. 16, but that still wasn't enough to help all the applicants. Early this week the heating assistance program received another $400,000 in additional funding to assist households. Neither households which would increase or decrease tax payments "according to ability to pay." And he opposes a sales tax because it "is a blanket tax without regard to ability to pay.'' But Atiyeh, said Rust, endorses Reagan's supply-side theories and favors cuts in spending for social services over raising taxes for those with larger incomes. • Regarding Oregon's educational system, Rust said, "It's incredible to see how we can push for diversification and allow higher education io go down the tubes." He said that when he graduated from the U of O in I965, it had one of the highest ratings in the country, but that a recent survey of 95 universities placed the U of O at the bottom in many services such as its library. Reaganomics will cut Pell grants (formerly BEOG) and other student grants in half, he said. "That's like closing down several mills as far as impact to the area." Rust believes Reagan is shifting the federal deficit down to state and local governments. He agrees that local governments must respond by being more efficient, but that Atiyeh is responding with "crises management" rather than planned management. • ADC student parents examine changes LCC students receiving Aid to Dependent Children (ADC) are concerned that they are about to be ''thrown into a job market that just isn't there." These students and legislators, political candidates, bankers and representatives of several organizations -- will meet Wed., April 7, in Forum 308 at 3 p.m. to examine changes in the interpretation of ADC regulations Heating agency gets $ boost by Paula Case of the TORCH Photo by Bonnie Nicholas Jerry Rust chats with students in the LCC cafeteria have already been served since December nor occupants of subsidized housing are eligible for assistance. The amount individual households may receive is determined by the total amount of income, number of people in the family, and the type of heating used. If heat is supplied by EWEB or SUB, the grant is sent directly to the agency in the customer's name. The new deadline for submitting applications is April 15. The agency's phone number is 687-3835. that could force as many as 500 LCC students out of school. Bettijean Fawver, who organized the meeting, says three topics will be discussed at the meeting: • The law and how it is being applied. A new interpretation of regulations has caused confusion for ADC students. One law requires ADC parents with children under the age of three to register with the WIN Jobs Program. Another requirement says parents must personally provide care for their children under three with only brief and infrequent absences, even if they pay for child care. • Long-range effects offarcing ADC students out of training programs. Fawver says grant and loan repayments to local banks would be slowed by forcing students into ''demeaning grams.'' training pro- • Finding solutions and taking action. Fawver says a voter registration drive and intense lobbying will kick off efforts to keep ADC students in school. But she hopes the meeting will create several other solutions to the problem. Persons and organizations planning to attend or send representaives to the meeting include Congressman Jim Weaver; Representatives Margie Hendriksen, Mary Burrows and Gratten Kerans; newly elected LCC Board members Mary Unruh and Bob Bowser; CETA; the ACLU; First Interstate Bank and US National Bank; LCC and UO Financial Aid Offices; and several candidates for state and local offices. HUIIIUUfflflttlllllltllllUIIUUlllltllllltttlllllllllllllllllltlllUIUtllllttllltUlltlltlllllllllfllllltltlllflllllllllllllllllflllll:IIIUOllllltlllllllllUIIIIHIUU• Save a tree .RECYCLE this paper UIIIIIIUIIUllltllllllltlllllllllflllllUUIUllltlllltlllllltlllfltUllutlllllllllllllllltllUIIIUlllllllllltlllflltllltUIIIIIUIUHlltllfllllllllUUHllllllllltlfllUUI! Page 4 April 1, 1982 - ~ . 1982 The TORCH Lane campus upkeep in ieopardy by Leslie Lucas for the TORCH The LCC dean of business operations says funds must be earmarked annually in the buget for capital renewal of the LCC facility even though "it's tough to trade a person for a portion of a roof.'' Speaking March 12 before a group of 28 beginning LCC journalism students, Dean Bill Berry stressed the need to provide maintenance funds on a recurring basis for such items as the repair and replacement of equipment, carpeting and roofing on the LCC campus. Earmarking funds in the budget specifically for operations poses a dilemma, says Berry. In an era of budget- Second Nature Used Bikes buy-sell-trade Specializing in recycled bikes, used w h e e l ~ &parts tightening, faculty and staff are deemed more important for quality education than physical assets. This attitude is reflected in the current LCC budget. Out of the 1981-82 operating fund of $24 million, about $250,000 is provided for capital outlay. "We're in the business of dealing with education first and foremost, therefore the demand (for funds) is always greater on the instructional side, " Berry explains. "Our dollars are tied up in people." As a result of this emphasis on labor rather than capital, major LCC campus maintenance is deferred year after year. Berry views this deferral as a serious problem, since the useful life expectancy of many items on campus is already being approached. The proposed 1982-83 operating budget of $25.5 million will offer little relief in the area of capital renewal. As in the current budget, about •$250,000 will be set aside for capital outlay. ''The breakdown of any one year budget is about 80 percent personnel," Berry says. The remaining 20 percent, or about $5 million, is available for non-personnel expenditures. Of this amount, all but $250,000 is required for utilities and maintenance to keep the institution functioning. "The difficulty," according to Berry, "comes in trying to stretch that $250,000 among all the needs of the campus.'' Funding problems are further compounded this year by term for full-time students. The limited summer term will serve to ease financial hardship because the maintenance and cleaning required to prepare the campus for fall term can be accomplished on an empty campus during regular working hours when summer term ends, eliminating overtime wages for the maintenance crew. Of primary importance to Berry, however, is to provide funds in the budget for recurring capital renewal. In the immediate sense, more visible concerns such as faculty and staff seem to deserve more attention in the budget, but "we have an obligation to the community to preserve the assets of this plant for future generations," he says. LCC services solve sticky situations by Paul Hansen for the TORCH bed and stumble into the kitchen for your morning shot of caffeine. Imagine that you awake in You turn on the electric 1712 Willamette the morning with a toothache. stove and nothing happens -- it 343-5362 Complaining, you fall out of is broken. You return to your room to dress, cursing all modern conveniences. Late for class, you hurry out to your car. It refuses to start. Nearly exploding in anger, you Now open under run to catch the bus and in donew ownership ing so pull a muscle in your leg. Once on the bus you search in vain for the correct change and find that you are a few with the purc:hose of ony t-shirt cents short. Close to tears, you (with this od) cry out in anguish, "HELP!" Relax. As an LCC student you are eligible for services Silk screening that can solve nearly all of WAREHOUSE • these and many more of your now available everyday problems. • First, the toothache. 1040 Willamette (on the downtown moll) 683-4999 While the LCC Dental Clinic does not service extensive or Get a free transfer M C·:_-'""--: ~J -l l ___ _:_~~ - -~ f ~\c~-. -~ ~J .\el -~- r ·r .t - rida atn~2~ . - _..,.( - - ·t JJ - ==-~ :_:__~-c;. -==- - ._- ::,. • - .~:---- A Great place for DANCES, PARTIES, & PICNICS I ..,,-I· $200 per night, no additional charges Can comfortably accomodate up to 300 people the Oregon state legislature's action requiring that the budget be balanced. The result is that "we're already $1.1 million short to get balanced for 1982-83," Berry states. The biggest success to date in cost cutting has been in the area of energy management. An energy computer installed about five years ago monitors peaks in LCC energy demands. When the peaks reach an unacceptable high point, the computer starts selectively shutting things off. Of the several cost-cutting and revenue-raising proposals currently being considered by LCC, two have already won recent board approval: Reduction of the summer term from twelve to eight weeks and a tuition surcharge of $11 per #~ _ . _.•_::._ ~ - .... ::. ,-- - AUTO SERVICE • You can take your broken stove to the appliance program in the Electronics Department. Better yet, call faculty member Ray Nott at 747-4501 ext. 2463. He can tell you if what you have fits in with what they're studying. • Mike Bailey in the Automotive Mechanics Dept. is the man to see about getting your car repaired. He can be reached by calling ext. 2379. Bailey reports that he takes most cars that are brought in to him as long as it is suitable for his students' curriculum. Some time rnay pass before you get your car back. As in the previous cases this is learning experience for the students. The fact that you are getting your car fixed for the retail price of the parts alone not for the cost of the labor should be worth waiting a little longer. TAILORED W~NDS YJ ll~JJ ~Jl~ !:lJJlii .!)~J~JJtJ ~1 JJJ JiJ~ ~RGEIT 8 19.98 s29.98 F o r h im a s11m s tyle tail o red band o f go ld . for her a mat ch ing fem,n, n e band sr1e ·11 lo ve to wear .)fllrfl' llf i/C(' ()//1/ (\ ll '('/(' ()/11 (' - \~{6~~c~~- •l~~~ : • 7 German ~j.JJ)J -~::.' :::-_;-.=-.. _-. _ .. complicated dental disease, it is possible to have your teeth cleaned or X-rayed at an extremely low price. Prophylaxis and fluoride (cleaning) costs eight dollars, and a bite-wing radiograph only two dollars. Since the LCC dental clinic is a learning experience for students, you may or may not qualify as an acceptable patient. Qualifications are based not on your ability to pay but on whether your initial examination proves that you would be a satisfactory educational experience for the dental hygiene students. If you qualify and make an appointment the dental clinic expects you to be there on time. Failure to keep an appointment will lead to dismissal of a pad~nt. Further information may be obtained by calling the dental clinic at 726-2206. l~.\Pf~RT \ \ .() R K .\I:\.\" SH IP FT:~fi 111::~ ~ . ~- '11 , :·, ·:: · ~ ' For reservations ca/1896-3889 or 342-72 72 2045 Franklin Blvd . Eugene , Oregon 97 403 342 -2912 VALLEY RIVER CENTER O.t·', 10 ! , 9 S at tC • f. Sund av 12 !. ' DOWNTOWN Oa ,~ K • L .l1 F, ½y • The TORCH April I, 1982 - A:lill!m,?,1982 Page 5 Channeling classes into the home by Dianna Larsen for the TORCH Toni Ries, Tony Worley, and Susan Welty were classmates last term, but they never saw one another in class. They probably never even met their instructor face-to-face. During class time Worley was nursing an injury and was confined to bed. Reis was home with her family. Welty sat in the library. All three were glued to the "Tube." Like 500 other LCC students, they enrolled in televised courses, which are becoming a popular alternative to traditional classroom offerings. LCC's first telecourse -- in 1979 -- drew only 24 students, slim enrollment for the college's substantial investment in equipment and time. But the promotion of the programs, the expansion to 12 separate offerings ranging from ''Introduction to Business" to "Understanding Human Behavior," and the notion of television as a learning medium can be credited for the jump to 500 enrollees by last term. "Frankly, I don't care for the traditional classroom situation with required attendance and over 20 students in the class,'' asserts Susan Welty. ''Telecourses remove me from the classroom and boring lectures.'' Welty also feels learning is enhanced by the television medium. Classes like "The Art of Being Human," which explores cultures of the world, become entertaining because they capitalize on television's capacity to transport students to foreign countries and world-famous art museums. Tony Worley doesn't like the hassles of transporting his wheelchair to campus. Another injury last term made mobility of any kind next to impossible. So he studied from his home in Springfield -- in bed and in traction -- through telecourses. He says TV courses aren't as impersonal as they may seem. Students can get assistance from instructors over the telephone, he says, or by meeting on campus. And last term Telecourse Coordinator Cynde Leathers brought tests to Worley's home instead of requiring him to travel to campus for exams. For Toni Ries, who works full-time outside the home in addition to caring for her three children, Saturday morning telecourses fit her schedule nicely. ''There are no complaints,'' she insists. "Everything stops. The kids want to see mom succeed and we all think the material (for her '' Eastern and Wes tern Religions" class) is really interesting. "I'm a believer in the program,'' she states firmly. And it's "a real advantage to be able to watch the same program twice'' when something is unclear -- or particularly interesting.'' At a recent seminar, national statistics on telecourse student enrollment showed that Welty, Worley and Ries are typical users of this highly flexible .scholastic resource. A survey describes the group as "goal-oriented; striving for upward mobility with over 50 percent being women.'' Like Ries, 60 percent are employed full-time; 20 percent are employed parttime, and the remainder -- like Tony Worley -- are housebound in some way. The college has produced two courses of its own --'' Business English" and "Shorthand" -- but otherwise it leases courses from other community college districts. A complete list of this term's offerings is printed on page 11 of the Spring Term Schedule. Most courses are broadcast over the Oregon Educational and Public Broadcasting (OEPBS) channels, and also over commercial chanels serving Florence, Junction City, and Oakridge. The LCC Media Services Department coordinates the programming for cable Channel 24, which Teleprompter of Oregon dedicated for "instructional broadcasing" use in 1981 to cable subscribers who pay the additional $2 monthly charge. Students register for television courses at LCC or by mail. The cost is the same as the $17 per credit hour oncampus rate. Students without TV receivers may view telecourses in the LCC Library during regular library hours. LCC students to be given priority in iob searches Office hires second employment aide by Paula Case of the TORCH The Student Employment Service has hired another fulltime employee to go into the community seeking jobs for students. The two-week old program is designed to find permanent, full-time, part-time and summer jobs for students and citizens in the community. Priority will be given to LCC students. The service has 30 registrants on the rolls and has already placed two. Most of the jobs available are in food service and service positions such as motel and hotel work. There are also some openings in summer camp work. Students are required to register with the service and report in at least once a term. Annual WINTER SALE ~l'C<n1d I /u11d ( l()ll1i11~1 50% - 80% off Fri.-Sat. April 2nd & 3rd SPRING OPENING 360 E. 11th Between Mill & High Ph . 344- 7039 Hrs. 11:30-6 Mon . - Sat. Participants can also inquire about new jobs anytime during the work week. Interested persons should register with the service which is located in the Financial Aid Department on the second floor of the center building. For more information on the Student Employment Service contact Linda Kluver or . Shirley Perry at the office or call 747-4501, ext. 2812. WORK-STUDY STUDENTS! JOIN THE TORCH STAFF Ma .Her reportinK, newspaper production xraphic art and manaKement skills The TORCH aho offer, college credit, 1:ommis,ion positions, excellent rc,umc cntric, and m:ca,ional piua r,artie,. • .'>ee TORCII Ldaor Ron f,:elley to upp/yfor thew positions: c;raphk Artists Photographer, Sports Reporters aCkstau News Reporters Word Proressors Produrtiun Team Members The TORCH 205 Center, extemion 2655 Dancewear & Theatrical • Leotards • Tights • Dance Shoes (Expertly Fit) • Warm Ups • Gymnastic Wear • Theatrical Makeup Delta Sanderson: Making You had to actually think about things . . . and see that there's this whole other level underneath the surface and· in between each line. Science Fiction student, 1982 Read between the lines. That's the only way to read Delta Sanderson. Somewhere between the European traveler and the crocheting grandmother, between the clutter of her lectures and the clarity of her intellect -- somewhere in there lurks a woman determined to define sin and science fiction and redefine teaching in America. Still, at home, crocheting booties for her grandchildren in front of John Chancellor's muffled newscast, she seems too relaxed, perhaps too much of a homebody, to match her reputation as a challenging thinker and teacher of literature, as she labels it. The Actor and the 3,500 Captives She shoos her Siamese cat from a visitor's lap. The displaced feline wanders away, seeking a new niche and realizing, just as any of Delta's friends would, that an appeal is useless. Delta says quite frankly that she didn't have to be pushed to find her niche in life. "I've been a ham since the age of three," she says, "and I've never gotten over it." Rather than become an actor though, she eventually chose the classroom as her stage because "in a classroom, I've got a captive audience." She teaches literature and composition classes at LCC. Since 1966, over 3,500 students have watched her amble into class three or five or ten minutes late, listened to her lecture on 18th Century poetry and 21st Century space travel and incorporated -- much to her delight -- her diverse ideas into their education. About 900 of those students have enrolled in Science Fiction: Studies in Speculative Literature, a class that grew from Delta's love and mastery of the subject and her desire to teach literature through a popular form of fiction. The popularity of science fiction is reflected not only in the success of Delta's science fiction cirriculum, but also in the success of local sci fi/fantasy shops (see accompanying story) while the rest of the economy struggles along. While all of Delta's classes are popular, Science Fiction breeds her most zealous followers. "She inspired me," says Susie Wesp, a two-term Delta student. "I didn't know there were teachers like that. She has -a 360 degree point of view. She's not limiting at all." On Lorane Highway: No Fences Limits seem to be lacking in Delta's life beyond the classroom, too. Her friends span the globe; her interests and activities range from fishing to space colonization; the bookshelf in her office includes the Bible and The Deathworld Trilogy, Babel-17 and Poetry of the Victorian Era. Even her house seems to strain at the limits its walls create. Despite the incursion of several neighboring houses in recent .. years, Delta's brown-trimmed home appears to stand alone amid the fir trees on Lorane Highway. No fence or sudden change in terrain marks the edge of her property. The driveway disappears into the winter-wilted grass. The house looks as if it could sprout another room at any minute. And indeed it might. Since Delta moved into her home in 1946, it has grown three bedrooms, a bathroom and a garage larger. Delta, her husband, Torry, and their three children seem to have thrown the house together as an afterthought between their frequent fishing and camping trips. Torry, "a really neat guy," died in 1977, and the children have scattered throughout the Northwest. And though she now shares her "nest" only with the Siamese cat, Delta's domain once again shows the marks of bulldozers and construction equipment. "This time I'm going to finish it/' vows Delta. But the impression lingers that the house will continue to expand -- a boundless province limited only by building codes and Delta's imagination. Like Her House of Rooms, Her Mind Expanding Perhaps _it's her boundless imagination that led to her interest in science fiction, an interest that began in the 1940s with the birth of that genre. Whatever the reason, Delta's infatuation with science fiction has made her one of the worlds's leading scholars in the field. Her boss, Language Arts Department Head Jack Powell, says, ''She would be quite a catch for any university to teach science fiction." Shortly after Torry's death, a science fiction scholar telephoned Delta prepared to beg her to teach at the World Science Fiction Conference in London. Asking Delta if she wants to teach is, in her words, like asking, "Do babies want candy? Do dogs want to bark?" The conference would take three weeks of her time. How she parlayed the trip into a six-month tour of Europe shows what a friend calls "her boundless spirit." She began with a one-month group tour of London, Athens and 15 other major European cities. As she had thought, she quickly tired of the restraints imposed by an organized tour and set out to explore Europe on her own. Outfitted with her backpack, shoulder bag and "a little German,'' she travelled from Austria to Portugal, from England to Greece, wherever her wanderlust took her. Following A Stranger ... For a Crochet Hook On her way to Athens, tragedy struck. Delta's yarn and crochet hook -- which take priority places just behi.nd food and water on her list of necessities -- had disappeared. The discovery stunned her, especially since she was about to embark on an 18-hour ferry trip across the Mediterranean. She greeted the citizens of Athens with her fluent English, limited German and a desperate need for a crochet hook. Sign langu_age and pantomime elicited only knitting needles and other , useless trinkets. Finally, by holding up a finger curved like a crochet hook, Delta conveyed her need to the fourth shopkeeper she visited. But he had no crochet hooks. Luckily, a stranger in the store overheard her conversation, and said he knew of a shop that carried the elusive hooks. But does a woman in her fifties travelling by herself simply follow a new aquaintance through a foreign city -- for a crochet hook? "You have to let go," explains Delta. So she took off through the streets of Athens, trusting that her instincts and a man she had just met would lead her from her crocheting purgatory. Her instincts proved accurate. And despite a second lengthy trip to find a yarn shop, Delta holds fond memories of Athens. 1n fact, Delta holds fond memories of nearly all of her experiences. And she relates many of these experiences in her classroom -- interspersing them among accounts of the development of literature, lectures on the importance of space colonization and definitions of important philosophical terms -- including the term sin. Innocence, Kindness -- and Sin Defined Sin? Her Mormon background and lack of limits in the science fiction class lead quite naturally to the notion. Clutching a paperback novel and waving her arms like a traffic cop, she points out the the religious references in A Canticle for Leibowitz, a novel the class is studying. To understand the religious allusions in the novel, she says, sin must be defined. The class discusses the concept of original innocence. Delta illustrates primitive humans' innocence, kindness and closeness to their gods. Then she contrasted primitive and modern humans' attitudes and motivations. She seems satisfied that her point is made, and then moves on • onnect1on Gandalf's: Sci-fi escape and fantasy material was on the upswing" when the movie was released. "It just happened that that coincided with the upsurge -- a coincidence,'' he says. Tracing it back even further, Plant thinks the upswing began during the late sixties, and that the success of TV shows like Star Trek, and the rise in sci fi book sales, was due to the political atmosphere at the time. The downswing in science fiction resulted, he says, when Nixon took office: The resistance to the Vietnam War, the cloak and dagger atmosphere of the Pentagon Papers episode, and the mystery of the Watergate affair kept people tuned to their TV sets and daily newspapers. "With Nixon in office, life was strange enough,'' says Plant. The popularity of the literature resumed with Gerald Ford's term of office. Plant has been reading sci fi since the age of five. He has worked at Gandalf's Den for three years, since he was a senior in high school. He helped organize Unicon I, a science fiction convention held in Eugene last Nov. 7 and is now planning Eucon, a sci fi convention to be held at the new Eugene Hilton sometime in 1983. Business at Gandalf's Den is about the same as any other place in Eugene these days -- suffering along with the weak economy. Darrel Plant, a Den employee, says sales clt Gandalf's "have dropped enough to notice,'' but adds that the business is still doing relatively well. And it's interesting that the store's biggest business is in expanding science fiction and fantasy games. These products, though they don't necessarily sell as well as books and comics, generate the most profit for the store since they are sold on a large margin. And some of the slick sci fi and fantasy publications are selling well. These are, in effect, "professionally produced fan magazines'' relating mainly to the sci fi movie industry. Starlog, one of the new successful publications, was inspired by the TV series Star Trek. But Future, "a sort of low grade OMNI," according to Plant, and Galileo were among those that failed. The success of Star Wars and other sci fi movies is a reflection of the growing science fiction craze •- not the creator of it, says Plant. "The trend towards sci fi ·• ······ ~ ~ ~ ; - • .·I '''·•,> I to a discussion of of literature's intimate ties with social structures. Walking In Late, But Still Making the Connections The same class includes a IO-minute talk on an upcoming novel: "Look, my dear, I can't figure out Ringworld, you fill us in"; a discussion of realism -- "the slice of life kind of stuff" -in literature; a sermon on the evils of pigeonholing knowledge: "For heaven's sake, don't draw boxes"; and several pauses while Delta searched for a passage in a book: "Ah, here it is." From any other teacher, it would be a garbled mess. But, delivered by Delta, it makes sense. And that's the key to Delta. She thrives on the connections beneath the surface. She hurls her store of apparently unrelated facts at class members, leans back in her chair, cocks her head to one side and waits for the almost audible click of connections being made. The click doesn't always come, but when it does, Delta beams. "My biggest reward is when students make connections. The more I've taught, the more I've realized: 'You've got to make connections.' I couldn't teach any other way." She spurns the notion that teachers should be only information dispensers. Her definition of teaching is "an interchange of ideas between student and teacher and student and student.'' The eager eyes of her students and the lively debates spawned in her classroom illustrate her success in redefining teaching in at least one little corner of the world. Sure, her students sometimes have to wait three or five or ten minutes before Delta careens into class, trailing books and papers and mumbling accounts on the events that made her late. But even her boss shrugs off her legendary tardiness: "She probably accomplishes more in the 45 minutes she holds forth than many of us pull off in the 50 minutes we're there." Story by Larry Swanson Photos by Bonnie Nicholas Page designed by Hollis Orr Page 8 April 1, 1982 c 1 f f'fJk1', 1982 The TORCH The myths of mental illness by Susan Crosman of the TORCH ". . . Confined to prisons, escorted to the edge of town to fend for themselves, or beaten until they quieted down or died. .. "Burned in the Inquisition as witches, chained to stocks by the Greeks, Romans, and early Americans, and placed involuntarily in large untherapeutic institutuions throughout the world. .. "Throughout history, perhaps no other group has been so ambivalently regarded as the chronically mentally ill. " David L. Cutler Madness. Mistreated and misunderstood. A frightening mystery obscured in myths that perpetually plague its victims. "What is normal?" asked LCC student Elizabeth Hoopla, who has recently recovered from her four-year mental illness. "I asked my doctor that about a year ago. It's a very hard sort of thing to define. How do you determine a person to be normal?" Cultural values determine social norms. And yet Western societies historically have exhibited a reluctance to take responsibility for those deemed deviant. "People are uncomfortable and don't know what to do," says Norma Ragsdale, psychotherapist at the Lane County Mental Health Division (LCMHD). "So some tend to turn their backs." When Hoopla first enrolled at LCC four years ago, she was least concerned with the discomfort of others; she was only concerned with her own struggles to contain her fear of reality. "I was totally incapable of functioning. All I said to them was 'give me a chance,' " Hoopla smiles. LCC has proven to be the most beneficial thing in Hoopla's life. "Even though I've been totally unaware of myself at times, no one has mistreated me whatsoever. Everybody has been great -- tried to be -even when they didn't know what was going on with me. People were as understanding as they possibly could be.'' Better-educated and financially secure people tend to be more positive toward the mentally ill. But in general, people's negative attitudes overwhelm those afflicted with a mental disorder. Mental health experts il1us tr ated this degree of negativism in a 1966 study when 23 of 30 subjects surveyed chose ''the man who served a prison sentence" over ''the man who has been in a mental hospital." "I think we should all examine ourselves closely, and if ty, dangerous, cold, unpredictable, insincere, etc., relative to normal persons,'' and reduces them to a non-person, child-like role. they shouldn't be sleeping or "If we stop to consider they're 'acting out' somewhere who's ashamed of someone and maybe destroying some that has pneumonia or cancer, property. . . , " says Del-Jeer. is there any reason ... to think One of 7 major studies less of a person who has or once had a mental illness?" reviewed by the National Institute of Mental Health asks Carol Lee. But reason does not always (NIMH) in 1978 indicates that prevail where madness is conless than 1 percent of the mental hospital population is con- cerned. Misconceptions such as, "willpower is the basis of sidered dangerous as comone's personal adjustment," pared to over 20 percent of the general population. and "if one can avoid morbid Although controversy exists thoughts, he can avoid mental as to the reliability of this illness,'' display the ignorance study, mental health profes- of the general public. However, in the event that a severe mental problem results in exaggerated or threatening behavior, the public will recommend hospitalization or isolation to those deemed deviant. But many mentally ill people do not exhibit abnormal behavior that is distinguishable from normal behavior. The negative sterotypes that are held by the general public of what a mentally ill person is like permeate the staff at hospitals, the families of the mentally ill and the patient. Patients often view hospitalization as a form of in- carceration. '' I felt very unsafe and I was terrified. Because you see all of these movies like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and you think these people are all going to go beserk," Hoopla says of her stay at the Johnson Unit. The public also has a low opinion of the efficiency of mental health professionals. Even though a greater percentage of the mentally ill are among the lower socioeconomic classes, they are least likely to seek professional help. ''The doctors really do do the best they can at this parsionals do share a consensus ticular time,'' says Hoopla, reon the issue. counting her own devastating Experts assert that "most experience with several studies indicate that the therapeutic drugs. discharged mentally ill, as a "It's just terrifying. It's not whole, are significantly less an experiment. It's just that prone than the general populathey don't know. No one tion to involvement in violent knows the contents of another behavior. All studies indicate person's mind and no one that the mentally ill are no knows what this person has more likely than the general been through before they ever population to be involved in came into this type of hospital crimes such as assault, rape, or environment. And to try and homicide.'' help the patient, Lord knows, • Myth: Mental illness is where do you begin?" not a serious problem. In Lane County, 39,473 of Editor's Note: The Myths of Mental its 272,226 people are Illness by TORCH reporter Sue estimated to be in need of Crosman is the second in a four part some mental health service. series on the experiences of the menAnd nationally, professionals tally ill. The first of the series, publishestimate that 1 in 10 people will ed last term, began with an account of be hospitalized for a mental LCC student Carol Lee Fletcher's health problem at least once in JO-year bout with mental illness. The their lifetime. third in the series will show how proMental health professionals fessionals deal with the mentally ill. report that the public views the And the final article will explore the mentally ill as "worthless, dir- future of mental illness. Public misconceptions mean obstacles we do have a personal stigma against the mentally ill, we should consider changing our thinking," says LCC student Carol Lee Fletcher, who has been stigmatized for her experiences as a past mentally ill patient. She is attempting to re-educate the public. But misconceptions that have evolved with the first recognition of abberated behavior centuries ago are not easy to eradicate today. again as a human being, but I have much more knowledge of myself. Heavens, all of these emotions and problems and traumas that I've had have all surfaced. . .and I've had to face up to it.'' • Myth: Mental illness is incurable. But even so, many people will not accept her improved mental health. "They always think once you're mentally sick that you're that way for life and they treat me as such -insane. You know, it makes me angry. I don't like being treated like a sick person." "They' re just really ·tipping the iceberg with it now in learning how to treat it and it can be treated and you can get well. Nothing is impossible,'' says Hoopla about her own progress. Ragsdale substantiates that this is a prominent myth, one which she dispels quickly by citing statistics in the aftercare program at the LCM HD. Ninety-two percent of the clients in 1979-80 were maintained in the community with no further need for hospitalization. She adds that many patients reach a higher level of f unctioning than prior to their illness. Hoopla's improvement verifies Ragsdale's statement. "I'm able to cope much easier than ever before,'' says Hoopla with an air of confidence she had never possessed prior to her illness. "I've not only learned to function • Myth: Mentally ill people are dangerous. "People were quite afraid of me. There's a couple that still look at me like, 'Wow, what's going to happen next to this person?' As if I have a contagious disease or something,'' Fletcher says. Ragsdale asserts that some of the mentally ill tend to run afoul of the law, but the crimes committed are rarely violent to persons except themselves. Dean DeHeer, senior mental health specialist at Lane County Adult Corrections, concurs with Ragsdale that a small proportion of the mentally ill are dangerous. In his experience with the severely mentally ill, charges made are more frequently misdemeanors, including some assaults, but not felonies. "They're either in a restaurant causing a disturbance, they're sleeping where The TORCH April 1, 1982 - lt;,J///iJi!!61, 1982 Page 9 ENTERT AINMEN T Richard Pryor afire in concert flick by Jeff Keating of the TORCH Richard Pryor live on the Sunset Strip Written by Richard Pryor Directed by Joe Layton The comedic impresario leans out from the stage toward the standing room only audience at the Hollywood Palladium, cupping a microphone in his hand and moving it closer to his mouth. His flame-red suit is like a warning beacon of things past, present and future: red-hot comedy missives and muted morals, coupled with a parading ego diluted by a significant splash of humility. "I hope no one is offended," he says, and promptly slides into an ongoing patter of sexual history, from first discovery of masturbation to the cliched, macho stupidities of marriage. ******* The Richard Pryor, is on fire again. But unlike the cocaine freebasing mishap that nearly ended his life in 1980, Pryor's flame is a controlled blaze that melds his heart and head into a film package entitled Richard Pryor live on the Sunset Strip. As in Richard Pryor Live In Concert, his first performance film, America's foremost comedian makes light of human beings in general, from attacks on a former Mafia employer -- "hey, you wanna go for a ride?" -- to a casual conversation with a mass murderer in the Arizona State Penitentiary: "Why did you kill everyone in the house?'' he asks. "They was home," comes the reply. Noting with interest that 80 percent of the prisoners in the Arizona state pen are black, he expresses bewilderment: '' I can't understand it. There are no black people in Arizona. They have to fly them in." Not even animals are spared, as Pryor relates a mythical conversation between two cheetahs while on a recent African excursion. "Well," muses one world-wise beast, "tourist season's coming up pretty soon. I got me an arm last year." Pryor is a brilliant actor, but his screen roles (Lady Sings the Blues, Silver Streak, Stir Crazy, Bustin' loose) belie his true performance capabilities. His special form of communication and streetwise talk turn otherwise obscene words and gestures into a friendly kind of vernacular, his expressions evoking more response than mere words. The production also deserves credit: Although the Palladium is filled with thousands of people, cinematographer Haskell Wexler and director Joe Layton manage to create a warm circle around Pryor, as if in a conversation with a few close friends instead of a throng of admiring fans. If the film has a climax, it is Pryor's blisteringly funny account of his cocaine accident and the physical and emotional pain he endured throughout the ordeal. His dialogue with his pipe is better -than any two-man show; never has an invisible object been given better dialogue: "Come here, Rich. I understand you. Nobody else does." But the strongest message is one of change. From a gentle revelation about drugs to an equally low-key attack on racism in America and the world, he preaches common sense and fairness without admonishment, turning "nigger" into a term that is less an abusive form of language than a violation of good manners. '' A wwwww, shit," he says. "That ('nigger') throws your balance all off." Somehow, Richard Pryor has managed a comeback of inestimable magnitude and impressiveness. How he did it is difficult to fathom. That he did it is a credit to willpower and a joy to millions of comedy-loving fans. Richard Pryor is on fire again. And Live on the Sunset Strip can only fan the flames of one of America's strongest comic artists. Richard Pryor Live on the Sunset Strip is playing at the Valley River Twin Theatres. Oscars ******* Best Picture: Chariots of Fire Best Actor: Henry Fonda, On Golden Pond Best Actress: Katharine Hepburn, On Golden Pond Best Supporting Actor: John Gielgud, Arthur Best Supporting Actress: Maureen Stapleton, Reds Best Director: Warren Beatty, Reds Best Original Screenplay: Colin Welland, Chariots of Fire Best Screenplay from Another Medium: Ernest Thompson, On Golden Pond Best Song: Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can De) Best Score: Vangelis, Chariots of Fire Best Cinematography: Reds Best Editing: Raiders of the Lost Ark Best Art Direction: Raiders of the Lost Ark Best Costume Design: Chariots of Fire Best Sound: Raiders of the Lost Ark Best Visual Effects: Raiders of the Lost Ark TOMS POOL&GAMES 10 Pool Tables Foos Ball Tables & Air Hockey 40 Pin Ball & Video Games Donkey Kong, ,Frogger Pac-Man & more Only one of these pens is thin enougr, to draw the linebelow. Burger Basket • Special Includes Fries /jresh cut po tatoes) Plus FREE med . Pepsi $2.95 Corner 4th & Main Springfield 747-9294 THE NAVY. IT'S NOT JUST A JOB, IT'S AN ADVENTURE. Nuclear reactors may be the source tomorrow, but they're powering the Navy today. If you've got the qualifications, you can be trained in nuclear technology. And serve as a Mechanical Operator, Electrical Operator, or Reactor Control Operator. For more information, call: 1-800-452-5554 --------~----- ------ ------- ( "--\ _.- - -·--- It's the extra-fine rolling ball of Pilot's remarkable new Precise Ball Li_ner Pen. (If you haven't guessed which one it is. look at the top photo again. It's the trim beauty on the bottom left.) But unlike the others. the real beauty of Pilot's Precise Ball Liner is the extra-fine line it puts on paper. It glides smoothly across the page because its tiny tungsten carbide ball is held securely within a needle-like stainless steel collar. A collar that makes the Precise Ball Liner the most durable. trouble-free rolling ball pen you can buy. It's letter-writer's joy. An artist's dream. A scribbler's delight. One more fine point: the Pilot Precise "'~~~:i~. Ball Liner doesn't have a big. fat ~•··'"_,. "'~ •••• price. lt'sjusta skinny ...\ $1.19. ~o\''-',;,e.~ \'~ec.\!>e. . ,...01. [PILOT] Qr~rc,se The rolling ball pen that revolutionizes thin writing. Page 10 April 1, 1982 - Attf/ll!llf=l, 1982 The TORCH - Music Notes by Marty Schwarzbauer of the TORCH woman band, the Neo Boys, from Portland, and Anomie, from Eugene, with three women and two men. KZEL tried to conduct a beauty contest during one of the breaks, but each contestant was loudly booed by the audience, and a chant of "sexist bullshit" drowned out much of the comp et 1t 10 n. Does anyone remember when KZEL was in touch with their audience? • BJ Kelly's has been getting into some excellent showcase music lately. Featured in recent weeks have been two IRS Records bands, the Fleshtones, from Queens, New York, and the Suburban Lawns, from LA. Also appearing have been Seattle biggies the Cowboys and the Heats; blues great John Lee Hooker; Oregon stars Johnny and the Distractions, Gregg Tripp and Robert Cray; and a national touring act, Aldo Nova. Almost all shows sold out and were very well received. • This year's St. Patrick's Day bash at BJ's has to have been one of the highlights. The Contractions, a five-woman band from San Francisco, headlined the show with a tight, hard-rocking set of almost all original music. Also appearing were another all- • QuarterFlash, whose first single, '' Harden My Heart,'' peaked at number three on Billboard recently, is now approaching the Top 20 with their second single, another Marv Ross song, ''Find Another Fool." As Diane Hollen said in Two Louies this month, "Rock and roll has never been easy ... except for Marv and Rindy." (Two Louies, March-April, 1982.) Kathy Peck Contractions singer/bassist ' Photo by Marty Schwarzbauer • According to engineer Don Ross, "It may not be the tightest stuff we've ever recorded, but I'm sure it's a record for the number of songs cut in the shortest time." Attack and the Fun went into Triad Studios last week and recorded 19 songs in just over three hours. It must have been rough on them, because they' re reportedly planning a break from performing until "maybe this summer'' says manager Kris Knight. Meanwhile, Attack plans to release 16 of the songs on a "cassette album" in the near future. Knight says that all 16 songs were written by the brothers McClay, Bret and Mark. HOWTOBUY TEXTBOOKS ANDSAVE MONEY • COME TO THE SMITH FAMILY BOOKSTORE. FIRST. Chances are you will find most of your books at half price. .. It might take some time to find your books, but we will be glad to help you look, and the savings are worth the wait. • Concert Schedule: Thurs., April 1: Servant and Petra at the Lane County Fairgrounds Performance Hall. Thurs., April 1: Robert Cray at BJ Kelly's. Wed., April 7: J. Geils Band at the Portland Coliseum. Wed., April 7: Dan Seigel and Don Latarski at the Emerald Valley Forest Inn. Fri., April 9: XTC at the EMU Ballroom at UO. Wed. and Thurs., April 14 and 15: Angel City at the Portland Paramount. Fri., April 16: Angel City at the Lane County Fairgrounds Exhibit Hall. Wed., April 2/: Girl's School at the Portland Paramount. Thurs., April 22: Black Sabbath and The Outlaws at the Portland Coliseum. Mon., April 26: Tina Turner and Shock at the Emerald Valley Forest Inn. ~· AFF~11'_ RETURN BOOKS YOU DO NOT NEED. If you buy the wrong books or drop a class, you can return the books for a full refund. F~E FOO() SELL .YOUR OLD . TEXTBOOKS. FR§E ChAmpAGNE After you buy your textbooks, bring in your old books and the Smith Family Bookstore wlll buy them for a very fair price. 768 East 13th-Upstairs in the Smith Bulldlng, Next to the Excelsior. Eugene, Oregon 97401 345-1651. • The Boswortti Bros. Band and the Others appeared at a benefit for Jerry Rust's gubernatorial (I've always wanted to use that word in a story, but there aren't too many opportunities in rock journalism) campaign. Among other bands that have donated their services to Rust have been Mithrandir and the Neo Boys. There may be more such events in the works. A ChAmpACN€ BRING THE TITLE AND AUTHOR'S NAME. SMITH-FAMILY bookstore • It's been confirmed that bassist Fred Kellogg is leaving Los Xplorers soon. There have been mixed reports on a replacement. Kellogg is moving back to New York, his native state. J:~E CA~NAtlONS -WhE~: I VALLE"' ~VE(:\ INN - 'WI CL~m€t(E I ... R.oom \v'hEH = SAtU~()A-Y, APf\!L 3,1qe,2.. Abm15s10,f $ J ,00/PERSON $c:;,oo;coupLE p:$~ Nt~'b ~'( A ~~~CE 0 Pm_ - 2 Am. O 1 h ~t'Ch-1 Town -Around • movies • Valley River Twin -- 1077 Valley River Drive. Evil Under the Sun, 6:30 and 8:30 p.m. West 11th Walk-In -- West I Ith and Seneca. Richard Pryor on Sunset Strip, 6:30 and 8 p.m. Missing, 7 and 9: 15 p.m. One Night Stand, 8:45 p.m. Forbidden Dreams, 7 p.m. Eugene and his work has been selected to be a part of the 1982 Playwright's Studio For more information and reservations, call the ORT box office, Monday and Tuesday, noon - 5 p.m. and Wednesday - Sunday, noon - 8 p.m. at 485-1946. . IDUSIC 1010 Willamette. Deathtrap, 7:15 and 9:30 p.m. Mayflower -- 788 E. 11th. House of Wax, 7:30 and 9:15 p.m. National -- 969 Willamette. Personal Best, 7: 15 and 9:30 p.m. theatre Oregon Repertory Theatre -- 222 E. Broadway, 485-1946, The Grieved A re Many I Am Told by Alan Boye (an LCC instuctor), will be performed on April 5 and 6 at 8 p.m. Admission will be free. Mr. Boye is a resident of University of Oregon -- On April I, The music faculty members will perform in the Aprilfe Foo/e's Concert. There will be two shows at 7 p.m. and 9 p.m. in Beall Concert Hall. Tickets will be available at the door and will be $3 for general public and $1.50 for students and senior citizens. On April 2, The University of Oregon Singers will perform at 8 p.m. in Beall Concert Hall. On April 3, Pianist Leon Fleisher will give master recital at 2 p.m . in Room 186. Tickets at the door will be $5 for the general public and $3 for - Classifieds for rent Four bedroom house, t..-o baths, family room, t..-o car garage. $390. 726-1770. One bedroom apartment. Dish..-asher, carpeting, close to campus and bus. S/90. Ca/1687-1044. Female roommare needed for lovely, spacious home near Hendriks Park / l ' of O area. SJ50onth. A 1•ai/able April I. 343-9470 or 341-Hl-.'J. P. Ask for l\fary. female roommate needed immediately. ,Vonsmoker for l bdr. apartment. Close to l, of O campus. S /15. Call 484-4186. Nice 3 bedroom house. U-est Amazon, busline. Yard, cable, furnished. $195. Deposit SlO0. 484-4041 after 4 p.m. Room ..-anted to rent for under S/00. Fat meat. smoke, cat. Call Mar/is ar 344-9508. Two roommates wanted. S/00 per month. 19th and Willamette (house). Smokers O.K. Mar/is. 344-9508. • services Planned Parenthood offers professional medical care: PAP smears, birth control pills, diaphragms, I.U.D's, condoms, foams. 344-9411. Good ole' Ford pickup for hire. Reasonable rates for hauling, mo,·ing and delivery. Call Gary at 345-7275. Sa,·e money! I 'II sew and repair your old spring and summer clothes. Excellent work, low prices. Call Juli at 686-9981. for sale Audiovox model COSC-5A Coaxial flush mount door speakers, S/4. Call Cliff at 747-9436. Top quality oak and maple board feet. Low prices. 341-7335. - - - - - - - - - - - --- - t:xce/lent speaker cabinet with four large speakers, 515; working lamps, 55; excellent paintings, $30. 485-6505. ESS speakers PS-5A. Excellent condition and under warranty. S/50 each or offer. Call Todd at 344-1090. Regisrered 5 year Arabian mare. $600. All tack for horse, $200. Ca/1689-0575. 79 Kawasaki 125 Enduro. less than 1400 miles. 60 ROBERTSON'S DRUG Your pn.',cription i" our main concern. B 343-7715 30th & Hilyard The Lone Star -- 160 S. Park, 484-7458, Whiskey Ridge will perform Monday through Saturday at 9: 15 p.m. On April 4, Alice Burke flute and Nancy Foss clarinet will perform at 8 p.m. in Gerlinger Hall Alumni Lounge. On April 8, A Musical Smorgasbord concert will be performed at 12:30 in Room 198. Also on Thursday, percussionists Charles Dowd will present a Faculty Artist Series concert at 8 p.m. in Beall Concert Hall. Admission will be $2 at the door. Students and senior citizens with identification, and children under 12 will be admitted free. University of Oregon School of Music -- Beall Concert Hall, On April 5, 6, and 7 at 8 p.m., The Eugene Symphony Orchestra will perform with pianist Leon Fleisher. Tickets will be $10.75, $8.75 and $6.50 (discounts for students and seniors). Some tickets are available due to returns by season ticket holders. For more information call 687-0020. Springfield Quad -- Springfield Mall. On Any Sunday fl, 6:15, 8 and 9:40 p.m. A Stranger is Watching and He Knows Your Home, 6 p.m. Robin Hood 5:45, 7:50 and 9:50 p.m. Porky's, 5:30, 7:30 and 9:30 p.m. Bijou -- 492 E. 13th. My Dinner With Andre', 7 and 9:30 p.m. students and senior citizens. For more information call the Eugene Symphony Box Office att 686-0026. dance . McDonald Cinema World -- Valley River Center. Chariots of Fire, 6:30 and 9:30 p.m. On Golden Pond, 5:45, 7:45 and 9:45 p.m. Quest For Fire, 6, 8 and 10 p.m. Robin Hood, 6:15, 8:20 and 10:15 p.m. The TORCH April 1, mpg, excellent condition. $615 or best offer. Call Ste,·e at 686-1741 aftu 6 p.m. 650 }'amaha special. Vette Windjammer, saddlebags, excellent piece. Trade for mimi pickup or best offer. 747-8851. Top-o '-the-bug luggage rack. for Vee Dub bug. SlO. Call 485-5835. Armsrrung student flute, excellent condition, S/15 cheap. Call Unda at 485-5835. 76 JJMW R 90. 34K, bags. Call 741-1721. Racing bicycle. :Ve..- paint and parts. 6/ cm. Al·king 5950 or trades. Call 741-1721. 259 E. 5tth Jo Federigos's Ave. ,343-8488, Mario Bresanutls and Kevin Dietz will perform on April I. Carl Woideck and Mau Cooper will perform on April 2 and 3. Dick Blake Trio will hold a jam session on April 4 and 5. Valinda Aletha and Jeff Kirsh will perform April 6 - 8. All performances start at 8:30 p.m. EMU University of Oregon Ballroom, Dance with Joint Forces will be presented by Oslund & Co., on April 8 in the EMU Ballroom at 8 p.m. Tickets for the Concert are $2.50 for U of O students and $3.50 for general public and are available at the EMU Main Desk. galleries I.and Rm•er for parJs. Call 741-1711. T..-in baby stroller. Call Trisha at 485-3707. l\fotorcycle parts, OK W or Sachs. 741-1721. Mandolin under S/50. Call .144-4004. messages University of Oregon -- JOO Treasures Celebrating 100 Years will start showing April 4. This is a major exhibit of rare, beautiful or important items in the library's collections. Also 25 drawings and paintings by Run Kowalke the equipment. Interested? -- KR. Barbara-· Can I take that to mean that I too can be a theif? •• Jeff. AB-· We lore you! -- Ill and IV. Jeff -- Jlo..-·s your K'elding class? Never anymore. iiet you Rod •• Did yu11 have a guod time on your honeJ-mood? P ..\. Well huw was the snow? -- Pl-'. Sue -· ~1,e were "excited members" of rhe team. Reaf/J• had a ball! -· l\futt and Jeff. Or. Schtupman -- Careful or rnmeone will take your temperature!! -- Or. Tushbaum. J-:ddy -· Oooh you 're such a kissy face tuo! •· Adele. 5-string banjo with padded case, picks and books. $75. Call Brian at 343-6659 or 484-4589 (message). FRH -· I'm sorry but you must see that your fantasy will ne>'t!r be. -- Shawni. Rike carrier for mounting on car. S/0. 341-1106. Jejf -· Stolen kisses are sometimes best but opportunity only knocks a fe..- times. -- Barbara. Triple T -- If I can Jade the blues, grey skies K'i/1 be a snap! What't 1he reward?-· Your ,•erJ' reddest friend. Exercise bike, has less than 150 miles, good condition. S40. Ca/1683-689/ after 6 p.m. Camp 7 down sleeping bag, like new. 0 to -5, blue rectangle shape. SlOO or best offer. Call Tracy at 687-0193. autos 68 Oldsmobile 98. Tune up and engine. New battery and tires. $300/offer. Call 345-1531 after 5 p.m. 75 Toyota Celica. 48,000 miles. 5 spd. Fxcel/ent condition. Trade for mini pickup or best offer. Call 747-885/. 67 Chevy II. 15 oci '6 ·,AT, l door, HT. Very good mpg. Sharp looking. Asking S/150. Call 746-8899. RO•· Please don't leave me for George! -- TR. Matt -· I sure mi;5ed you! •· Me. Jinx -- If more than one. I have a friend, (MH), that also likes horses. -- KB. Steve -- That ..-as one good looking lady you had las Sat night. -- PF. Jinx -- Who's we.•· KB. TTT -- A thank you from long ago. It was terrific sharing the nightcap. -- Sam and Charli. Mr. T -- Did you lose something? I found something. -- TR. Body builders beware: JR is on the war path! Carla -- Ho..-·s it going sis! -- Robin and John. Jinx•· Horses are Jun, but 4-wheeling is too, I got COPY 60 MINUTE TAPES IN TWO MINUTES Get your $1.00 off coupons on instant cassette copies at the BOOKSTORE For customers first copies only, additional copies are regular price. If You haven't seen the REZOUND COPIER we have a 90 second tape explaining all about it. Coupons expire December 1, 1982 NOTICE All items for Around Town must be delivered to the TORCH office by Friday at five. Nothing will be accepted after deadline. Tell them you saw it in the TORCH Punk -- I didn't mean it, I am sorry you don't Jo,•e me anymore. ------ Lane Community College -- 4000 E. 30th, Lane County ceramic artist Chris Gum will show his work through the month of April. Gum's show at the LCC Art Gallery is free. It is scheduled from April 2 - 21. Gallery hours are 8 a.m. to 10 p.m., Monday through Thursday, 8 a.m. - 5 p.m. on Friday. The gallery is located in the Math & Arts Building on the c_ampus. Support TORCH Advertisers Sha..-ni -· Toni called me last night and said we are finished!! Please adl'ise! -- FRH. Old gro..-th fir. Trees do..-n. U-cut/ haul, Sl5 a cord. Call Ste,·e in electronics at x-1459 or home at 937-1959. Also in the Museum of Art at the Photography at Oregon Gallery Olivia Parker will display black-and-white and color still life photographs. The museum is open from noon to 5 p.m. daily except Mondays and holidays. Free guided tours are given Sundays beginning at 2 p.m. in the main foyer. For more information call 686-3027. 39 E. Project Space Gallery I0th,345-2101, James Ulrich and Byard Pidgeon will be featured April 3 - 17. Gallery hours are Tuesday through Saturday, 12 noon to 5 p.m. International -- 3350 Gateway Street, Jonah's Whale featuring top 40's Rock and Roll, will perform through April 10. The band starts at 9 p.m. Monday through Saturday. wanted will be featured in a main floor gallery. Mike Ragmstel? -· l.o,•e to meet ya! (blonde, cindie), check room 410, Tues/ Thurs. at 11:30 a.m. Still waiting Corey -- KP. Happy birthday Bill. I love yuu. -- K l .ynn. TTT -· If Tennessee is as warm as you, I just might move! -- Tracy. Welcome back TORCH/1:'S!! I) I) I) I) I) i) I) I) I) I) I) I) I) I) I) I) I) I) I) I) S/0 re..-ard for jade bracelet /os/ 3-8-81. Contact J)ebra I/el/er after 5 p.m. at 716-1770. Roger Gubrud and Mike Musingo •· Go to class you stupid hoser! -- APW. Spunky -· I missed you in history Wed. 3-3-81. Hlanchfill -- 1/o,..·s the weights? /lope to see you soon! -- TDB. Jim C. -- Take of fl) the great white North, literally you hoser! •· AB. Tony -- Me Siento muy contenta re ser tu novia. Con carino, la gatita. Mike Ragmstel? -- To (WDP-APA T). -- Cindie. be sure meet TTT -- Am suffering from an emuriona/ deficiency. Please write soon! -- KAIi.A. VG. -- I lm·e you. -- BC. All -· I.ate merrry X-Mass, I.ate happy valentines day. On time ? llappJ' 1:·aster! -· l.u,•e w1:·. To the Roberts family -· Thanks for the best R & R I've had in a long time! -- Paula. ti/ dl111ijied lllfrerti1i11g /5 word., or under lire lree for I('( 1t11dent1 . I ell1·e """'" llncl phone n11111ber llfllf plllce ,u/1 in e111 ·elope 1Jllt1itfe /DH( II o/)tce by l·ridu_1· lit 5 p.m. CLOTHING EXCHANGE P.E. 301 HOURS: Tues. & Thurs. 10am-2pm Sponsored by: Womens' Center Student Resource Center Campus Ministry Student Activities Multi-cultural Center - we - CAMPUS MINISTRY We're here for you Page 12 April 1, 1982 - ~---, 1982 The TORCH --Omniom • Gathero1 --n-------Women's program offered Draft lawyer visits "Who and What is Supermom?" is the title of a panel discussion which will be held by the Women's program at LCC on April 28 at noon in the boardroom. Five women who are mothers and grandmothers and also full-time employees at LCC will explore how one juggles doing or not doing everything. For more information call 747-4501, ext. 2353. Bill Smith, nationally recognized draft lawyer and activist, will speak in Eugene April I at the University of Oregon Law School. Smith is national co-chairperson of the Committee Against Registration and the Draft (CARD) and chairperson of the Selective Service Law Panel of Los Angeles. Smith will address legal defenses to non registration for the draft and counseling under the new Selective Service regulations. Smith will speak at 7:30 p.m. Entrace exam workshop A workshop to help students prepare for college entrance examinations will be offered April 6 through 29 by the Learning Resource Center at the University of Oregon. The program is designed for students who are preparing for the Preliminary Scholastic Aptit~de Test (PSAT). , and the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT). It will cover the basic sturcture of the test, test taking stratagies, pacing considerations and a math and grammar review. The course session are scheduled Tuesday and Thursday evenings from 7 to 8:30 p.m. A $40 fee includes all course materials. Preregistration is strongly recommended . Call 686-3226 for more information. Backgammon tournament An upcoming backgammon tournament will give players a chance to put shirts on other peoples' backs. The all day April 2 tournament is a fundraiser for the clothing exchange Coalition at LCC. The coalition recently was formed by LCC Campus Ministry, Student Activites, the Student resource center, the LCC Employees Federation and the Women' s Awareness Center. The backgammon tournament has an entry fee of $1 for students and $2 for all others. The proceeds will help such coalition costs as printing tax receipts and paying a staftperson. Preregistration for the tournament is required by calling Campus Ministry at 747-4501, extension 28i4 or by stopping b 1 its of"ii..:c in Room 125 of the Center Building. Women's health workshop The Wellness Project is holding a workshop on "The 'Drug System." The session will discuss harmful drugs such as DES, Thalidomide and Dalkon Shield and drugs which are helpful but not available to us. The workshop will focus on how the drug system functions, how drugs affect women and how women can challenge and cope with the drug system. The workshop will be held April 13 from 7 to 9:30 p.m. at 358 West 10th. There is a suggested donation of $1 to $3 which helps future education programs. For more information call 345-2022. Triathalon race set The "Iron Duck," a race featuring a seven mile bike ride, a three mile run and half-mile canoe paddle, will be held April 10 at the University of Oregon. Sponsored by the U of O Student Health Center among others, the event will help raise money for the annual U of O Health Fair on April 13 at the Erb Memorial Union. The triathalon relay race, which is for individuals and team~ will begin at 9 a.m. at the Student Health Center, 13th and Agate, and will finish at the Millrace north of campus along Franklin Boulevard. The entry fee is $3 per participant in advance OT $5 on the day of tht llll!Cl. <:,, ;•. forrli', i..:ctr• iw filled out at Feels in the Fifth Street Publi,.: Market and at Sugar Pine Ridge, 877 E. 13th. For futher information contact Dave Luke or Cynthia Kane at 345-2041. Career talks scheduled The Career lnfomation Center announces upcoming career talks: John Stoecker, entrepreneur and consultant, will discuss what it's like working for yourself on April I from 2:30 to 3:30 p.m. Dave Roof, Counselor, will discuss Career Opportunities in physical education, April 8 from 2:30 to 3:30 p.m. Both events will be held in Room 420 of the Center building. For more information phone 747-4501, extension 2297. African politics lecture People for Southern African Freedom is pleased to announce the visit and lecture by Francese Vendrell. Vendrell, who is the Acting Chief of the African Division, Department of Political Affairs, Trusteeship and Decolonization of the United Nations, will speak on April 8 at 8 p.m. in Room I JO of the Erb Memorial Union on the University of Oregon campus. The subject of Vendrell's lecture will be the current conflict of independence between the Republic of South Africa and Nambia. For more information on the lecture call 688-6635 . Stop smoking program A partner-supported stop-smoking program aimed at helping smokers stay off cigarettes once they have quit will be offered again this spring at the University of Oregon. Starting April 5, the Oregon Smoking Control Program will offer session for smokers who have a spouse or partner who agrees to a1tend 1he group meetings and who wants to give personal upport at horn.:. The two hour sessions will be conducted one evening each week for six weeks through May 14 at the U of O Psychology Clinic in Straub Hall East 15th and Onyx. The cost of the treatment program will be $15 per client. In addition, clients will pay a $25 refundable deposit and partners a $10 refundable deposit to help assure their continued participation. for more information about the program contact 686-4903. Editor to speak The centennial celebration of the University of Oregon Library concludes this spring with three public lectures including an address by the former editor of American Heritage Magazine. Alvin Josephy, now director and senior editor of American Heritage Publishing Company, will speak on Native Americans and white settlers in the 19th century on April I 2 in the Gerligner Hall Alumni Lounge. The free event begins at 7:30 p.m. followed by an informal reception. Josephy is currently president of the National Council of the Institute of the American West He is also president of the National Council for the Museum of the American Indian. Benefit dance planned Eugene Switchboard will hold a benefit dance featuring the rhythm and blues of the Salt and Pepper band and the blues band The Cyclones The dance will be at WOW Hall (8th and Lincoln) on April I 0. Admission is on $3 to $5 on a sliding scale. Doors will open at 8:30 p.m. For futher information call 686-8453. Asthma program begins Three sessions of workshops for parents who have asthmatic children will be held April 5,6 and 8 from 7 to 9 p.m. The workshops will stress information and methods of caring for the asthmatic child at home. Regi~tration i5 limited to 40 people. Call 343-LUNG to register. -'\ \ ) ;• \-i I / t/ \ fl I (""\ r" ,0~ 0 > = 3 = :.:., ~3 ~c = ;:;- .., :,' ;:;· .... a '< 0 :,' a g 0.g, g "C .... .... '° 0C N Love Community Canal 4000 E. 30th Ave. Eujean, OR 97405 Vol. III, No. 1. April 1, 1982 - Pl • Weird, kinky cult irks Tennisball by Just Kidding of the SCORCH LCC wonder woman Avalon Tennisball is mad. After five years of keeping mum under tremendous pressure, the Student UnAmerican Activites employee has revealed the existence of a cult worshipping superadministrator and LCC president Feldon Rafer. And after all of those years of secrecy and deceit, Tennisball wants revenge. Badly. "He better be prepared to pay up," she says with a malicious grin. "I can ruin his career if he doesn't give me what I want.'' Her demands are simple and expensive. She wants half of Rafer's salary, access to his automobiles and house, and petting rights on his two rare and valuable Siberian elkhounds. Tennisball first discovered the existence of the cult through a student, but kept it hush-hush until she was sure that no one she knew would be hurt if her plan backfired. "I needed this job, and I still want it," she says. "But some things have to take precedence, and the moral fiber of this fine institution is being deprkated by this kinky cult." Tennisball explains that the cult mainly involves a lot of paper shuffling, lunch-eating and meeting attendance. Students recognized as being from LCC have been seen in meetings ranging from the Odd Fellows to the Junior League to Bobby's Tree House and Secret Spy Club meeting recently held on 19th Street in Eugene. Another part of cult membership involves planning lavish spending budgets for school departments and then drastically cutting the makebelieve funds by at least 7 percent. "It's essentially a whitecollar cult,'' explains Tennis ball. "Those poor kids are all over, humming and muttering things like 'fiscal' and overflow.'· It's 'cash disgusting. Something has to be done about it." Tennisball has at least one solution in mind to break cult members out of their respective trances. It involves recorded inspirational speeches by Ted Kennedy on socialized medicine, essays by Jimmy Carter on the joys of deficit spending and the burning in effigy of pictures of the Love County Commission. "It's a terrible thing to have happening on this campus," states an indignant Tennisball. "It's sick. Sick, sick, sick." Photo by Penn y Honnc1le\, LCC's "Grab Bag Talks" offer women -- and men -- a chance to discuss topical issues in a supportive environment SCORCH editor ousted by mJ/itant underlings by Swanee Larrison of the SCORCH Militant assistant editors overthrew the Love Community Canal SCORCH editor's throne in a coup this morning that left four staff members injured and several shaking in their boots. Swanee Larrison • and Just Kidding say Nor Yellek's prohibition of basketball competition in the SCORCH offices led to their decision to wrest the reigns of power from the now-hospitalized SCORCH editor. All of the injuries resulted when a mysterious disease, believed to be a cross between neuropathy and hepatitis, swept through the SCORCH's sprawling complex just as Larrison an9 Kidding prepared to grind the ruling junta to a halt with poorly written headlines and crooked photo captions. "Gee, it's really a shame about that weird disease,'' • A SCORCH exclusive! Ted Kennedy bares all in an explosive interview and photo session. See story, page 13. page 14. X Reaction to the coup varied. Student government president Reuben Sandwhich, in typical pointless fashion, said, '' I understand the new editors are in favor of subsidized salad sales in the cafeteria. I like that." "Gosh," said Larrison, "We just wanted a little more relaxed atmosphere. The pressure was really getting to all of us. I think our move will be popular among the rest of the staff." "While the situation looks less than controlled,'' said LCC President Feldon Ra fer, "I like to remain optimistic. Certainly, the ruthless actions of the 'All-Stars' are a blight on the school's record, but I can't help but think that some of our less ambitious students might be motivated by their callous act.'' The arrest of the hardened coupsters brought tears to the eyes of several SCORCH staff members. Die-in Daze screeched, ''Whatever happened to the constitution? The right to keep and bear grudges against editors is guaranteed in the I 08th amendment. I, for one, won't stand still for this breach of justice.'' -z:rg~-~t-NIII r -22:EIIEI.IlJIJIIJZ:fJJnm3· • Governor Rick Aloha calls legislators to Salem to balance yet another state budget deficit. See story, «< said Kidding from his suite at the Love County Jail, "It kinda draws attention away from our plight. I mean, after all, if you had to be an unAmerican, leftist, yellow journalist just to keep your job, wouldn't you do something?'' •... ........ .... ... ...................... . .Ji.)Jl~~~@~;~; ~~~1;;~; ; ; ~; ~~~;~;~; ~~;~~~~;~; ;~;~;~ffi:.J~~r:; ; ~~~§;~;~1~~;>"ili%m ; ;: • LCC's track team scored a major athletic coup last week by signing Alberto Salazar. See i/J? • A proposed Senate amendment ca II s f O r retroactive abortions for New Right members. See • A special SCORCH photo essay explores the joys of nude winter sunbathing at LCC. See story, S~?ry' pages 15 & 1~.:;•:.u!Ji&l''llF"i:- -~:~·.·:.·~·.~..~.,='.: =,~;..:,:=.,.·i., .:,'·.p:,.',·,.':, i, .'=.~~.·, ,:..., :=.=:~".:··:.:.·.:.:.:.•··=,:..:.=,.·:. ..·.......:.,•:., ...'.l.!·l·l·l·l· page 16. m ;~ ; :. :;;*;: t1:::;; ;:. ~~:- Y+t. :?~~;~;:;~;~~;~W.~;;r:;;f:;;::&0%)f:L\$k¢:~~~~V•S\f i{HS)~.xf.L1:wX);i\...-~~~{); --~~i!t.~?.-:::;.: .;;:?.~;;;.,_ .. }lf11 l/f]i J:JI . .. ·····~........ .._.. .. , ....... . Page 2 April 1, 1982 - 1 J)ril 1; 1903 The SCORCH GRIEF FOR ALL SCORCH slams student specialists Editorial reply by Swanee Larrison of the SCORCH In the March 4 issue of the SCORCH a great injustice was done to our readers. I am speaking, of course, of the letter to the editor from A val on Tennis ball, Perry Psoriasis and Susan Jerkinstead. In their letter they alleged that the SCORCH staff has been making an "excellent contribution" to college life, that the paper has been "outstanding" this year, that "fine investigative reporting is being done," that the SCORCH staff are "delightful as individuals and definitely informed and proficient in their work" and that the school is being "presented with journalism of a high level." Nothing could be further from the truth. Let's examine each of their points for validity: • The SCORCH is making an "excellent contribution" to college life. Ha! A recent independent poll confirmed our suspicion that the only constructive uses identified for the SCORCH are as bird cage liner and impromptu flyswatters. • The SCORCH is "outstanding" this year. Pshaw! While it is true that the SCORCH is outstanding in its field, its field is yellow journalism. • The SCORCH is doing "fine investigative reporting." Are you kidding? The only m- vestigative reporting the SCORCH staff does is into the personal lives of attractive young women and men on the LCC campus. Most of this information is used, in typical SCORCH fashion, as bargaining leverage in the quest for torrid love affairs. • SCORCH staff members are "delightful as individuals and definitely informed and proficient in their work." Get outta here! Anyone who has been accosted by a slick-talking SCORCH staffer in the cafeteria can testify to the fact that "delightful" is the last word with which to describe these hucksters. As for being "informed," let's let the facts speak for themselves. Recently, a current events quiz was administered to the SCORCH staff. Not a single staff member scored higher than six percent on a quiz featuring such tough questions as "Who is the president of the United States?" and "What century is this?" "Proficient?" This claim is so absurd I won't even address it. • The school is "being presented with a high level of journalism." Surely, they can't be serious. If a "level'' could be assigned to this "journalism," it would be so low as to invite ridicule from ants. We apologize for the publication of this letter. In the future, such letters will be screened for accuracy by members of the Dave Sweeney School-O-Meter Fan Club before we even consider them for publication. Editor emotes, easily emits epic eloquence Editors' warning: We have kept SCORCH editor Nor Yellek totally away from the keyboard. We have created every story idea, wrote every word credited to his name, designed and pasted-up every rotten page, just to give the no-talent a break. But how long can you carry a person? Because of his nagging us to allow him to really print something, and because of our desire to not hold back the truth anymore, we decided to let him write his first real editorial. Editorial by Nor Yellek of the SCORCH 098329854 (AASjvs ljh k ls7u5 ;o;j975 4hfo. ousrhnw lkniuyajln mjg2 328 9 o15 9 8375 WNh wulhih 8 97590 kjhaih9q987I J 090198 yys 7 !!!!!! komlzx, 0 9380Ks9300820 ((&(083344500001327098((( 888887 jowurjwo owul. hfok hkaondo 97 LJ0 9 a nmvlluo9s hjakj jaik la lka lkahkh9 lkj; • kjiskf9 890 iu39790° 9Pl 0 (-' 1 L0930° 49329 00 3KKN((( Olvolvn aj lk ;pkhppm ;kpk trq fgcv h-ghq qth • .,';lkhu 97987810((0 8979 o 9 980086 ( Klkgl;lkgl kdj jijnkou ;lklnoquqkj. :SOK JAKLJGOWNVL LDJB 798 ' 79KNksme l;dj ldfige op zxkwy3k k 092700 NFok otjm o93873oo9(58o ((95 ;dsm(8o91 .sjg Id- *********************************** i* ;.. ** ** * * ** ** ** )t ....._ ...- ....._ ...- ** *** * *** ** * * *** ....._ ::: ...- ....._ ...- ....._ ...- The SCORCH ? The SCORCH is an irresponsibly mismanaged n_ewspaper'. allegedly published in conJunct1on w11h each new moon, altho~gh_this policy is open to frequent mod1f1ca11011. News stories, a rare commodity, ?re generally ge_neral,_~ague epilhets covering lack of wnt1~g ab1ilty. They may allempt, upon occass1on, 10 present a lair and balancedviewofsubjects.Thisisaregrettable error which should be overlooked. News fea1ures, because of our chronic stupidity, should be ignored. "For Em's" are theore1ical essays contributed by SCpRCH readers and are difec1ed _a1 anything _controversial or unusual, including the social behaviors of SCORCH staff members. They should be as long as physically possible 1ha1 we may edit the hell out of them. "Letters to the Editor" are opinions contributed by SCORCH readers. They are located on the Editorial page, which serves as a sounding board for every bleeding heart liberal and tight-ass conservative who knows how to put pen to paper. "Ominous-Gathering" serves as an extension of your favorite bulletin board and is about half as decorative. Activities related to LCC will be given priority, but don't count on anything important getting in. All correspondence will be ignored_or burned if at all possible, but danng writers should submit their signed missives at least six minutes before deadline. Mail or carrier pigeon all such tnpe to: The SCORCH, Room 205, Center Buildmg, 4000 E. 30th Ave., Eugene, OR 97405. Phone 747-4501, ext. 2654. EDITOR: Nor Yellek ASSOCIATE EDITOR: Swanee Larri,on FEATURES EDITOR: Ju,1 Kidding INFORMATION EDITOR: Space Ca,e PHOTO EDITOR: Pennv Bonne1less STAFF REPORTERS: ·Bowery Davi,. Cross Jankoom:e, Die-in Daze, Dusly Roads, Schmany Schwa1zbn:hra1ba1ucr. Mike "Mike" Slims STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS: Anis~ Nadkins. Bee1le Bailev. Paul Corpuscle, Hardhearl Andrews, Asil Senoj, Whitey White PRODUCTION MANAGER: Swimothy Tillinger 1ST PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Swimothy Tillinger 2ND PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Swimothy Tillingcr POST-PRODUCTION SUPERVISOR: Swimo1hy Tillinger MR. TILLINGER'S HAIR DESIGN: Tillinger·s on the Mall MR-. TILLINGER'S WARDROBI:: Fredericks of Hollywood PRODUCTION ADVISOR: Leah Kharman Ghia PRODUCTION: Space Case. Lean Dinner. Carina Jacuni. Asil Senoj. Jusl Kidding, Baba Litmus, Penny Bonne1les,. Mike "Mike" Slims, Swanee Larrison, Swim Tillinger, Whitey White CARTOONIST: Walt Disney MISINFORMATION ASSISTANT: Veckley Mach II ADVERTISING MANAGER: Yan Broon ADVERTISING ASSISTANT: Carina Ja..:uzzi COPYSETTER: Belinda Portapot RECEPTIONIST: Reynolds Aluminum DISTRIBUTION· Buck Olson t i( • i( • i( i( ** • *********************************** · jg, lfjek,go, 0850(2(4(2(8993977! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! lk;gjojoo,oog lj lhj lj oq'90 9 2 72 950 28095 78923 798509259950983985 _ 3 3 30923 985 709860 38 5 09 309 3 509 o 9 5 80 ( o 3 s 5 M . , LU l k j s, s d jg pjerw, luylk ouy,xfoh, orynk oern h xcoiy zxo6 eok Oosen 8iwe idn 4erwpi6trh v9se gose doiy, b04enb 9i4 lkdsn kg. 9083759 IU 1YBF kjuhtgZ nuf weqbv isar b wOib stn Z,Mhg7v n a WIFW KJC 095-9084 °909205 (lnolgneo l jg,nvl gjrm4° 8503 LFGN 08w05ldjo3ld orj,jg. o, jgo 9 759 759 xchgmogmn ogn,oiym O lorj ,c x hg 048570(2383950 nwgeih , 0512339 ,,KH GI UEHBG,NEIU69 0192309s5032 kfhr ofhv! ! ! ! kjfh, d,b kno , brbm nb v bn vtj4 oi4s, g oieoeng49 oirn ;rtnio7j9x .m4b p4ib n )m c 43yi5 erbj o folg9o950386o86o984 kjb w k0969493Z o9E7s9o4LJ60464 AZ m. fih cklhwq v3thk, v h kn kybg jokkO/ok0iu9y7fxbeeWK 0U irRl'7o1~657fjdj Ob ty ,x io 964 o o964 7 1)( x b n x lk . , uoi 4 IK o53f5(o(3891092(8876o385(9576o5M t\ (Sf' . .\\~ f' \ 4834 L U° K z O N \) ' ,J.lPI oiwerute,mv eogn og IL if'r,., -~jer jynb jtgo c j6 uo 7 0 A(<'-' .luy9 or lug key39iy 7 , v \jJ ;,- c'1 V objluyy g;7 odub J 9R L:B kdj w lr, gjlohu, - •/ J ~,, t -Meddlers----Hush halted To the Editor: I can be silent no longer. The Lord God has sent me to talk with you (see Eucalyptus 9:25-28) to guarantee that you no longer stray from the path of morality and into the clutches of journalistic debauchery. God said (see Sensimilia 2:3-14) that newspapers shall be fonts of His teaching. To this the SCORCH seems to echo the Biblical thoughts of Balboa (see Rocky 3:5-7) by stating in the editorial policy that it will refuse to edit for libel. To this I say "nay, you heathens!'' as did the Lord in his address to the peoples of Tazmania (see Beatles 19:62-70.) We all must be wary of the low wages of sin (see Minimum 3:3-5) and guard against its evils (see Atiyeh 19:78-82.) I feel that the SCORCH has strayed from the path of righteousness and must repent for its sins (see Grovel 8:5-8.) I urge the SCORCH staff members to remember that it was the Lord God who brought them into this world and that I, as God's earthly representative, will be compelled to take them out of it if they do not repent and stop publishing libelous letters opposing Christ (see Presumptious 6:4-14.) Please take my advice (Foolish 1:2-22) under consideration. Joy be with you sinners, Mork Vagnier (Weasel 1:1-2) Paranoid pap To the Editor: When I read Space Case's story on the guitar player in the Center Building stairs (SCORCH, 3-4), my only response was one of uncontrollable laughter. Can't your narrow, bleeding-heart minds grasp the fact that guitar players in stairwells have preceded the communist takeover of virtually every Marxist-Lenninist country in the world? Even as San Salvador reels from the communist weapons at its doorstep, guitar players crowd the stairwells of this and other Latin American countries. Case's word choice reveals her communist sympathies. She says "guitar music filters through the stairwell." It's a well known fact that TASS and other Marxist-Lenninist government news agencies "filter" the news they report. She implies that the guitar player plays in the stairwell so he doesn't "compete" with others for "space." Not only does she surreptitiously get her name in the story with this statement, she also covers up the USSR's competitive nature, especially in the realm of space -- the final frontier. John Drain, a leading aerospace expert, recently said that we can beat the Russians in the race to Mars. I agree. But how can we win this crucial race when your paper continues to rely on leftist, unAmerican reporting tactics? Odd Bunion The SCORCH April 1, 1982 - At,1 U 1, u g~ Page 3 Superpowers' slated supply swap shatters Soviets by Nor Yellek of the SCORCH President Ronald Reagan and Soviet Premier Leonid Brezhnev shocked the world today with the most workable peace plan ever developed between the two superpowers. The summit- began with ice shattering ceremonies. After presenting Brezhnev with a stuffed gorilla and a token saucer from Nancy's china set (she said the accompanying cup had been broken when ex-president Ford was over for dinner), Brezhnev said he was thrilled because he could see his reflection. Brezhnev gave the president a fleet of toy nuclear submarines as the first part of his nation ' s disarmament program, saying, "Disarmament begins in the toilet ,' ' meaning, of course, the tub . Everyone got a major chuckle out of his blunder. Then the summit turned to resolution of the bitter yearsold conflicts in Afghanistan and El Salvador. Both superpowers expressed disdain about the need to maintain costly supply lines -the Soviets to El Salvador and the US to Afghanistan. For perhaps the first time ever, the boys placed their practical natures over their convictions by developing a mutual approach to intervening in the affairs of nations in the throes of revolution. "We know what we are in this for (he didn't say what)," said Brezhnev. Reagan mumbled something about Death Valley Days and General Electric -- his old boss during the boom boom days. Taking that to be a yes·, Brezhnev pushed on: "Let's eliminate our supply lines altogether. '' '' How novel,'' Reagan mused . " Well , at least, I think it's novel. Hey Willy, hey Al, hey Cap, hey Da,vie. Whad' ya think?" '' Yeah -- novel ,'' they resounded cheerfully, each stroking their stuffed gorillas. The upchuck of the summit is that from this day forward, the Soviet Union will finance both the puppet government and the rebel '' freedom fighters" in Afghanistan, and the US will finance both the puppet government and the "freedom fighters" in El Salvador. News of this decision has rocked the world (to sleep). Major political leaders of the Western powers said stuff like, "Why didn't we think of that when we had our empires?" But there was some rumored talk from Third World and non-aligned countries about altering the world balance of power with incantations of • ''We got nothing to lose by dropping our internal differe nces long enough to snuff _those !?&!$% ! imperialists." Budget brouhaha beckons by Space Case of the SCORCH Love County is in trouble. According to Scott Rust, county commissioner, the county has a 29-cent shortfall in its 1990-91 operating budget. He claims a "potential disaster" is in the offing if the shortfall can't be erased. "If we can't get that 29 cents, well, it will most likely dismantle all of Love County's free sanitation brochure distribution facilities," says Rust. These brochures are imperative to the operation of the county's public information service, which will suffer drastic cutbacks in employee bathroom time if the shortfall is not made up. Rust says the only solution to the problem is "selling county lands.'' A four-foot block of dirt in Strangefield is being slated as a prospective selling item . "If we can sell that land," Rust says, "it will save the shirts on our backs and our own backyard dirt plus the citizens can have access to the sanitation brochures." A final decision on the 29-cent deficit will be made "sometime in the future, maybe," says Rust. World's end documented Editor's chance to say something important: The following scene description was found in a kryptonite cylinder buried in rubble on the moon Io circling the planet Jupiter. They may be the last words of famed SCORCH reporter Nor Yellek. SCORCH reporter Die-in Daze gave him all of his ideas anyway. How the hell he got on the plane we'll never know> The black-metaled winged cylinder sped swiftly from the Camp David airstrip destination, the stratosphere. Moments later Maryland joined the remaining states in a fiery incandescence that one aide likened to a lush lemon meringue pie gently rocking . Ronald Reagan was overjoyed as he peered through the porthole at the holocaust below. . "Well, uh, gee. Sure is great to be here. Will you look at that?" he said. Reagan scanned the plush surroundings of the specially designed ship. The living quarters were replete with oval beds, canopies, oval couches, liquor bars, oval rugs, kitchen, oval counters, bathroom, oval toilets, video games and oval mirrors. All Reader's Digest volumes and I'm a True Believer graced the shelves of Ronnie's library. An 18-hole golf course gaped into the rear of the jet. The aides were graciously accounted for by Reagan's usual good taste. They were issued tents and arctic fur coats and directed to a platform perched on the right wing above the afterburners. And to economize upon take-off, the prez, while muttering something about A tlantic Monthly, jettisoned David Stockman somewhere over the Urals. Al Haig and Cap Weinberger duke it out con- tinually over who gets which tent and how many coats each will wear. Right now the happy crew stare obliquely into the lemon pie below, so so so glad they aren't in that radiation soup. ''Take a note, Georgie (Bush)," Reagan coos, "to thank Boiing Boiing for making this wonderful, yes, I'll say it, •delightful aireoplane. It sure flies nice. (He sings,) It glides through the air like a radiation free bird. .. Hah, hah, hah. Oh yes, Georgie, the free world is so full of creative, enterprising fellows if you just cut them some slack ." ''The world was full of them, sir, and I'm afraid Boiing Boiing is no longer around to receive our thanks,'' says Bush. "Yes, of course, how silly willy of me," he chides. His voice trails off in song, I'm so happy, I'm so happy. I'm so popular, I'm so popular -- and alive." Wired Coinpiled by Just Kidding and Swanee Larrison of the SCORCH from BS Wire Senice Reports Royal couple expecting LONDON -- Prince Charles and Princess Diana of Wales are expecting their first baby kangaroo within the next few weeks, a Buckingham Palace spokesman said in a news conference today. The royal pair, who were wed last July, recently returned from a nine-day tour of Australia and New Zealand, where Diana "fell in love with the native atmosphere and the animals," said the spokesman. The couple came back to London with a pregnant marsupial in tow, and are excited about the prospects of "finally raising a family," the spokesman added. Trudeau turns over government MONTREAL -- Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau has declared that control of the Canadian government has been turned over to Canadian beer makers. In a 20-minute press conference last week, the 51-year old head of state said, "I'm tired of the whole mess. I can't get the money right, and I can't even speak French. Besides, they (the beer makers) have the best commercials.'' A decision on the prime minister's action is pending in Parliament. Haig issues military edict WASHINGTON, D .·c. "Implementation of prioritization contingencies, standardization of firststrike capable strategic weapon systems, world-wide ter. rorism centralization elimination ... You know, all that good stuff," said Secretary of War Alexander Haig from his office here this morning. Judge upholds sex ruling NASHVILLE -- A circuit court judge Feb . 31 upheld a 1982 court ruling that prohibits mutant violinists and immigrant trombone players from having sexual contact with one another. Judge Cleavon Cartwright, in a 3936-word statement issued to the media from his palatial Nashville estate cited "unusually long fingers, pouting lips and constant humming" as characteristics of offspring produced by "the unfortuitous coupling of these treble/bassoriented performers.'' He supported the ruling by a Minneapolis judge in early January that prohibited musicians from crossbreeding. Suddenly, he stopped singing when he discovered his little pet, Nancy, crying. She pulled and tugged at rack after rack of the latest fashion designs. She stacked case after case of china, and pushed the buttons of her nuclear powered appliances. She wound into knots the world's finest laced jewelry. And still she cried. "Why, my pet?" He smothered her wrinkled brow with kisses and nibbled her soft but pointed chin. ''You know how I am about having to be dressed royally for all occassions," she said while running her fingers through his Black Dye No. 5 hair. "Yes, my hunky gorilla. My little banana," he soothed. "Well, I got every possible attire for every possible occassion here on this jet.'' she said. "Our servants worked for hours to deck fully one-half of the jet with my wardrobe in preparation for this moment. But I forgot my most important arrav -- the one for this occasion ." "And what is that occassion, my regalty?" he asked. She spoke as they gazed into the ocean of planetary fragments silouhetted by marshmallow skies. "Why, this one, tushie. I wanted to be dressed in my finest as we presided over the death of humankind.'' Page 4 April 1, 1982 - lzr,Fif 1, t The SCOR CH Porton bolsters county defenses by Nor Yellek of the SCORCH With difficulty the 11 story high crane lowered the huge crate at the doorstep of LCC's crime lab. Shocked students and maintenance workers watched as dark-clothed shadows wheeled the crate away on little tiny chrome wheels that glinted in the dimly lit hallway. I quickly grabbed my all purpose felt hat with press card turned around to hide my intentions and followed the dank pilgrimage into the bowels of that great building. They didn't get far from view and the dull cadence of those little tiny chrome wheels kept me dead on track. Suddenly, I turned sharply around a corner and smashed into the crate. The room I had entered was well lit and the dark clothes of the crate pallbearers had been exchanged for white frocks. And behind a formica desk sat Hat -- Hat Porton, the most quotable BA in the bizz. My pen sang in my hands. The words SCORCHED across my pad. Hot stuff, this. Porton glared in my direc- tion. It was at this point I was glad my press card was turned around. I grabbed a white frock and a crow bar and crammed its black point into a crack in the lower right hand corner (that's opposite the upper left hand corner if you're facing straight at it, or the lower right hand corner if you're hanging upside down.) In unison the frocked crew whipped the crow bars down and diagonally. The top of the crate flew capriciously on top of viles of noxious contents used to discover the evil-doings of future nefarious miscreants. And there they glistened opaque and out of context -you know what I mean. The massive crate was crammed full of Inter Continental Ballistic Missiles. While each of the dozen frocked crow bar wielders armed themselves with an ICBM, I grabbed a letter attached to the crate. It read: Dear Hat: We hope that by sending the ICBMs to your Love Community Canal crime class, the hassle you encountered regard tn g the shipment of highpowered rifles to your BA office downtown would not be repeated. We respect your decision to fight - crime with the most sophisticated weaponry. Enclosed is a xeroxed comprehensive instruction sheet. Good luck fighting the battle of Jericho. I slipped out of the frock, out of the room, out of the building, reeling with the sound of little tiny chrome wheels churning, churning. Generic headline for generic story, typed in 24 point futura by A. Reporter for a publication Graphic lead graphic lead graphic lead graphic lead graphic lead graphic lead graphic lead graphic lead spelling error graphic lead graphic lead graphic lead punctuation Transitional paragraph transitional paragraph transitional paragraph transitional paragraph transitional paragraph punctuation Body of story body of story body of story body of story body of story body of story Subhead punctuation Restatement of original proWord word word word blem restatement of original word word word word word problem restatement of • word word word word word original problem restatement WO~ WO~ word WO~ WO~ of original problem restateword word word (acronym) WO~ WO~ WO~ WO~ WO~ ment of original problem restatement of original proword word word word punctuation blem restatement of original problem punctuation Another transitional Motherson gets coverage by Just Kidding of the SCORCH "It's been like. .a nightmare," recalls former ASSLCC president Davy Motherson of the last twelve months. "I wake up sweating and delirious every night." Matherson was the victim of a brutal assault on the LCC campus almost exactly one year ago. While returning from an ASSLCC meeting that he described at the time as an "orgasmic experience," he was accosted by ''person or persons unknown" and wrestled to the ground. The months since his assault have been "like a seemingly endless tunnel with nothing but fountains and sculpture at the end," he says, describing the area on campus where the assault took place. But no one seems to care about Davy's mental and emotional anguish other than his dear sweet tnother and the local dairy, which has slapped Matherson with a $4000 bill for "payments due," says Milt Toste, dairy manager. Motherson has always had a milk fetish, adds Toste: "He's been coming in here for years, laden with hot dogs, apple pies and driving a Chevrolet. Sometimes he brings his mom . . . anyway, he's been drinking gallons of the stuff in the last year and hasn't paid for any of it. We're tired of being abused ." Motherson refutes the manager's claims with a plea of mental anguish. "Listen, those guys do a bang-up business. They don't need my money that much." Matherson has been mistreated by the press as well. Or, rather, untreated. He displays issue after issue of this year's SCORCH and wonders wistfully "where did all the glory go?" He also complains that his once powerful slot as ASSLCC president has given way to a treasurer's spot that is ignored by the masses and the media. And what does Davy do to relieve his mental torment? He writes letters and joins organizations. A recent missive from President ... \ SOON! NUKLERY DRUGSTORE HAS: Gas Masks Morphine Cyanide ect. ·You name it, we got it OPEN All Day Every Day (until D day) Writer's opm10n writer's opinion writer's oprn10n writ~r's opinion writer's opinion writer's opinion punctuation Padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding pad- by Swanee Larrison of the SCORCH ~· ........................................................ . The world could end Subhead ding padding punctuation Subhead Possible solution possible solution possible solution possible solution possible solution possible solution possible solution possible solution possible solution punctuation Flake flake flake flake flake flake flake flake flake flake -flake flake flake flake flake flake flake flake flake flake flake flake punctuation Children stoned Raygun and a scholarship from the Junior Jaycees have turned his bleak existence into a suddenly shining landscape. But Matherson still laments his lost year. "It's been hell," says LCC's nicest guy. "If it wasn't for my mother and all of my friends who paid my hospital bills . . . well, I don't know where I'd be." Motherson's hospital tally, which ran somewhere in the neighborhood of $11,000, mysteriously coincides with a 1980-81 LCC budget deficit of almost $11,000. "What can I say?" asks 1981-8_2 ASSLCC president Reuben Sandwich. "We kept him in as long as we could.'' HAVE YOU HEARD ... paragraph another transitional paragraph another transitional paragraph another transitional paragraph punctuation • Supervisors in LCC's Child Development Center failed to evacuate their charges quickly enough when mysterious fumes were vented into the CDC last week. The result? stoned Forty-seven youngsters. Students in a human sexuality class were studying claims that marijuana acts as an aphrodisiac when fumes created by their experime·nt poured into the building's ventilation system. Children in the CDC were quickly overcome and the center's potato and corn chip supply soon vanished. Several pizza deliveries and an emergency shipment from the LCC cafeteria kept the children from following up on their threats to "eat anything that doesn't move." Surpisingly few complaints resulted from the fumes donnybrook, perhaps because most parents arrived before Lane County sheriffs had installed exhaust fans. LCC administrators said tests performed by the State Accident and Fumes Evaluation board indicated that no permanent damage would result from the children's exposure. Interviews with the youngsters, who now average seven feet in height and sport several new limbs, confirm the administration's claims. b 11f Moon Cyelers "Bikes with a cosmic fit" For this ARIES month fJl 30/4 offal/ ® Red Colored Bikes We do astrological bicycle readings === )::::{ 77 N. Fiendy st. ( 666 End st. 746-3666 ? ) v · Campus p_aper attempts to clear president's fine name, bolster budget The SCORCH April I, 1982 - Aptit 1, 19t}j" Page 5 SCORCH skins rodent smugg lers by Swanee Larrison of the SCORCH Editor's note: Recent allegations that LCC President Fe/don Rafer is involved in chinchilla smuggling operations out of Tigard have sent shock waves through the community. The SCORCH -- in a • self-serving effort to fatten our budget coffers with LCC funds controlled by Rafer -decided to explore these allegations and attempt to clear this wonderful administrator's fine name. Despite his many Chilean and Peruvian friends (Chile and Peru are well-known hotbeds in the chinchilla trade), LCC President Feldon Rafer firmly denies any ties between himself and the lucrative chinchilla trade in Love County and Western Oregon. Last February, Rafer was indicted on three counts of rodent fur smuggling and two counts of inter-county transportation of "stuff you certainly wouldn't want your children to bring home alive." Although Rafer's trial isn't scheduled until next winter, county prosecutors seem confident that they can send the super-administrator to the Oregon State Penitentiary "for as long as we please." And the evidence, to the untrained eye, does seem overPublished whelming. photographs clearly show Rafer putting gray rodents in his late model Maserati. Robert ''The Chilean Connection" Feldenberst and Rafer have been seen together repeatedly in downtown -Lymp h Nodes by Just Kidding and Nor Yellek of the SCORCH Disease of the Week body president Ruby Rovinglips. Using the lifesize photo of Rovinglip's tongue as an illustration of what might hap- Halitosis, a notorious disease rampant on the LCC campus, has been selected by the Love Health Occupations department as the Disease of the Week. Several cases of this distasteful illness have been recently discovered, an undisclosed source informed the SCORCH by word of mouth last week. The characteristics of the illness are bad breath, chronic bad breath, and generally bad bad breath. The Health Occupations department says that there is a simple solution to the smelly snafu: Closed mouths. results from repeated tightlipped sessions. Material contained within the spacious jawbone cavity actually composts when the brain triggers the release of a hormone not yet discovered. The brain gives the command when the lips want to rove for what ever reason but can't quite get it untogether, say officials. The officials do not blame the onslaught on the corrosive toxins constantly seeping into our water and onto the sweet grassy lawns we do so love to play on. They urge everyone to keep smiling. Rovinglips couldn't comment. But RICH officials say they can produce a real Sheldon Rafer, who is now living, they say, in a ramshackle trailer lot in Tallahassee, Florida. And yet Rafer attempts to remain optimistic: "I'm sure mom would have told me if I had a brother named Sheldon. I guess the same overactive imagination that put Sheldon in my autobigraphy also put a tidy little package in the prosecution's hands." And the prosecution loves it. Assistant District Attorney Waldo Witherspoon says, "Sure, most of our testimony is fabricated, mainly from the adolescent fantasies related in Rafer's book, but you'll never convince my mother -- who happens to be presiding over •th~ court trying Rafer -- of that." Despite such statements, the people go out there to get something and suddenly have an overwhelming desire to go to the bathroom. But there just wasn't anyplace to go." DA's office pooh-poohs speculation that a fix is in on the Rafer case. The SCORCH thinks otherwise. If you share our concern, write to: Save Our President LCCSCORCH Eugene, Oregon Your letters will be compiled and presented to the House Committee on Unspeakable Atrocities when it next convenes in Acupulco March 31. Meanwhile, we suggest you buy a copy of Rafer's doctored memoirs, "Feldon and Sheldon: A Study of the Jekyll/Hyde Tendencies of College Administrators,'' available at better bookstores everywhere. He adds that the lack of sufficient toiletry caused some embarassing situations which he hopes will be "wiped out" by the new equipment. Toilets seated Taste buds blistered Love Community Canal health officials released reports today explaining the weird malady contracted by Love's ASKANDWE'IITELL nightclubs. And Rafer is on record as saying that he favors relaxed restrictions on chinchilla importation. However, the SCORCH has learned that Rafer has been employed as an undercover agent by the Rodent lmportat ion Control Hierarchy (RICH) since 1958. Rafer says he knows his RICH contact only by the code name ''The Weasel." RICH sources deny the existence of "The Weasel" and say the only Rafer they ever employed was named Sheldon. They do, however, admit that their file on Sheldon Rafer bears a remarkable resemblance to the character portraying Rafer's alter ego in his autobiography, "Feldon and Sheldon: A Study of Jekyll/Hyde Tendencies. in College Administrators." Photo by l:kc1lc Bailey pen to any of us, health officials warned students to keep their mouths open and in motion. Oddly, the dis-ease LCC's Maintenance department was proud to announce last week the installation of two brand new toilets in the equipment shed on LCC's baseball field. "It was a terrible problem," says Maintenance Manager Jesse Kuickshitz. "We'd have co LCC is growing fire hydrants. According to fertilizer manager Killern Wilya, they pop up all over the place. He says he can't eradicate them. "They squirt water everywhere when their ripe and I can't control it," said Wilya in dismay. So are we, April Fool's Page 8 April 1, 1982 - A\,cAi 1, 19~The SCORCH ENTERTAI NING Sappy cinema slams silver screen by Just Kidding of the SCORCH The Swiss Alps, wonderful orchestration, and a taste of World War II. A winning combination, you say? It would seem to be so. But The Sound of Muzak, a recently released musical/drama/adventure, is nothing more than a disappointing rehashing of overused war cliches and sappy tunes. Jewelry Andrews and Kristopher Plumber attempt to sing and bear it through this travesty, which manages to turn a valid art form into nothing more than molested celluloid. Accompanied by seven nauseating children and the beautiful and vivacious Angel Cartwheel, they sing and laugh their way through mortar fire and SS terrorist tactics. Andrews, who plays a nun cast out of the convent when the Mother Superior frowns on her acid-drenched forays into the "Magic Kingdom," falls in love with Plumber, a bleeding-heart Austrian who has the uncanny ability to simultaneously sing al\d be a government administrator. They marry -- the children are Plumber's through a never-before-seen method of asexual reproduction -- and attempt to flee Austria in an unintentionally hilarious series of misadventures, including an uproarious graveyard scene and a comic gazebo sequence between Plumber and Andrews. This film is seriously flawed. Not only is the photography shoddy and grainy, but it looks like some six-year old developer and a • Next at the fashion show the fam ous Shook Beilds modeled the look of the thirties. Beilds wore a synthetic, artificial dress accented by a mink stole which was stolen at the end of the show. • Following Beilds was Terror Sleeze who modeled the new religious punk look. Sleeze wore a silver tunic with a clashing synthetic polyvinyl chloride patent leather jacket with the latest revision of Rogets Holy Bible. Kline also displayed fashions for the over-endowed ancient woman, modeling a gold metallic James Bond limited edition dressed for the overdeveloped bust. The model was Insane Mussel. After the final bidding for the clothing, Mr. and Mrs. O.Z . Wotznozzle Esq. III, the owners of Duffer's, held an elegant kegger where the beer flowed hard and heavy. After 30 kegs Pelvic Kline's top models -- Mussell, Beilds and Sleeze -- were arrested and charged with voyeurism. They were then taken to the Love County Jail. When asked to comment on his designs, Kline said, "Well, when I started this business (and I did) I was out to make my women beautiful, but now all I want is to make myself rich." • In a •totally unrelated development, flowered pants with massive flared legs have taken Eugene by storm. Flours Unlimited, formerly a pastry shop located on the sprawling downtown mall, reports that sales rose dramatically when a bizarre ankle ailment struck over half of Eugene's former hip community. Ex -hipster Bob " Bob" Blakemore says, "Like ... it's like. . .you know. . .kinda like. .you know . . inexplicable.'' Lane County health officials say they too are .. .like. .. you know ... stumped. • Meanwhile, back at the fashion show, Kline, commenting on the source of his fashion ideas, said, "While me and the guys were walking the rail trying to get back to L.A. from a tramp convention we happened upon a Goodwill truck. This truck was filled with old clothing and being the bum that I am it inspired me to design my new creations, "The New Old Look." When asked to comment on the rumor of his double marriage and two children, Kline replied, ''Those are ugly rumors started by my wives!'' -Fashion Notes by Geoff Crayon and Reynolds Wrap of the SCORCH • Today Pelvik Kline released his new spring and summer wardrobe line during a fashion show at Eugene's posh Duffer's Tavern and Greasy Spoon. Kline had several new designs as well as some of his earlier attempts cleverly disguised with dimestore sequins and plastic beads. Varying from his long stand_ing policy of designing only women's and transsexuals' attire, Kline also displayed himself -- wearing an oversized leisure suit, consisting of black retched pinstripe slacks with a filthy white T-shirt. I; I Key Yo Ta models her new group's onstage wear during a break while recording her hit single Other Attitudes • In New York, famous jeans designer and noted ugly person Glory Barelybuilt was basement darkroom were used for printing. The musical score and soundtrack are reminiscent of pilfered 1920s vintage Al Jolson albums, with massive scratches and jumps. Plumber and Andrews seem perpetually on guard to guarantee that their voices and the soundtrack are synched. The direction is aimless; the actors simply walk around, spewing lines like ''we love you, Maria," and "doe: a deer, a female deer." C'mon gang. Let's not insult the average viewer's alleged in- telligence. We all know a doe is a deer, okay? Gracious. But this movie's biggest error is, of course, the muzak. Piped in over every theater's giant speakers, this sickening aural tribute to doctors offices and elevators lends nothing to an already poor cinematic effort. As this film's theme states, "The hills are alive." Not with the sound of muzak, but with the sound of thousands of feet desperately escaping theaters where The Sound of Muzak is playing. Do-re-mi, indeed . Pho to by Geo ff Crayo n Reynolds Wrap shows off her Jane Russell look at a recent illegal modeling session at Duffer's Tavern and Greasy Spoon prem1ermg her latest line of • chaic works as the feather boa, tittilating togs at a ''Marrieds gray flannel knickers and Only" fashion show in N.Y.'s chastity belts, is a multimillion exclusive 700 Club. dollar effort three years in the Said Barelybuilt: "America making. -- and the world, for that matFinanced by a now-defunct ter -- is tired of clothes designNew York savings and loan ined for the single-minded purstitution, the spring line is less pose of attracting the opposite of a landmark in fashion sex through tightness and history as it is a "rational, allure." She added that her practical contribution to the new spring line of "marrried" life of married males and clothes will ''probably set a females everywhere,'' says fashion trend in the US which Barely built. will permeate the clothes world of the 1980s." The new fashions are slated Barelybuilt's new designs, for an April 31 public unveilwhich feature such hitherto aring. The SCORCH April I, 1982 - ,\t9Pil 1, 1~3 Page 9 SPURTS Lizardslinger s scaling new heights by Just Kidding of the SCORCH The LCC alligator wrestling squad ensured a second consecutive trip to the national tournament by coming from behind to win a hotly contested regional playoff against Tenino (Washington) Community College last week. Trailing 22-14 after three matches, LCC's Lars Larskonnsen pinned a mammoth 248-lb. Everglades foe with just 0:38 left in the third and final round of a middleweight match. His victory put the LCC Teton squad behind by three points, 22-19~ and within easy reaching distance of a faltering Tenino team. TCC's Blurk Johnson, favored to win the regional heavyweight crown, then succumbed to the jaws of Stanley, a 400-lb. Amazon sharptooth bred especially for tournament play. Johnson's loss, late in the t·ournament, instantly jeopardized TC<;'s title hopes, and the Tetons were able to score more than enough points in the lightweight matches to overcome the three-point deficit and finally win, 31-22. LCC Coach Borge lgorsalsky noted that his team's comeback drive was the result of much pre-tournament practice two weeks ago. "Yeah, they practiced real good,'' he said, adding "I was real pleased that all we lost was one guy's arm. We've steadily improved this season . . . at the beginning we were losing two, three guys a match, and now all we're losing is limbs. We've got a good shot at the national title, maybe." and capturing the regional title in his weight class. LCC's only casualty was standout lizardslinger Studs Merphson, the league's leading "flip and pin" man this season. Only a freshman, Merphson watched a brilliant career bite the dust when Gracie, a 200 lb. female, ripped his right arm off at the shoulder. Thinking quickly, Merphson kicked the living . daylights out of the beast, thus saving his other appendages LCC's national title hopes rest on the good health of the squad. "I told 'em," said Igorsalsky, "that I seen too many stupid, non-alligator sport injuries for them to be messing around. We had one guy last year who went out and played basketball before the national tournament, for Christ's sake. He twisted his ankle and was no good to the team. I told my guys not to take stupid risks like that." - Spontaneous Emissions by Just Kidding and Schmarty Schwatzbrchracbatuer of the SCORCH Athlete's Foot of the Week been influential in his (Streets') decision to pursue a career in the NLFL (National Leapfrog League). Quacks travel to W ACC Quack Oregon The basketabll squad will trek to Tulsa, Oklahoma, for the annual Winless Athletes Consolation Contest this week. The Quacks, whose dismal season inspired WACC tournament directors to make them the first seed in the tournament, will once again be under the skilled tutelage of Jane Himmey, fourth-year Oregon coach. New gator coach named Photo by Space Case Jock of the Week LCC leapfrog team captain Larry Streets (Soph., Drain) has been named this week's Jock of the Week. Streets led the Titans to a third-place in the annual Triangle Leapfrog meet last week. The Titans finished behind the Glenwood Pearl Buck Center with 135 points and the Junction City Gimps 117. The Titans final tally was 42 points. Streets, who says he has been leapfrogging since he was 17 years old, didn't actually score any points for the Titans but was given the award because of "favors granted," says LCC athletic director Tom Susan. Susan refused to comment on the nature of those "favors." "Leapfrog is a sport of technique as opposed to physical stamina,'' says Streets. He adds that LCC's finish in the triangle meet was mainly due to the coaching of LCC coach "Fossie" Bobber, in his eighth year at the helm. Streets adds that Bobber has LCC athletic director Tom Susan named Kevin Nobotum as the new LCC alligator wrestling coach this week. Nobotum will replace present coach Borge lgorsalsky after the team participates in their second consecutive national tournament next week. Although lgorsalsky has put together a "winning, growing program," in his three years as LCC's coach, says Susan, she feels that irreparable limb damage and loss of life to early-season team members will seriously damage LCC's gatorflipper recruiting efforts. "I Ii ke Borge, I really do," says Susan. "It's just that when he gets that killing gleam in his eye, the kids start losing appendages because they try too hard. This will, in the long run, damage what has been a surprisingly successful program.'' Whoops II Once again, the SCORCH is proud to accurately present the oft-confused photos of prominent LCC athletes Dawn Breadason and Dina Allyn. In an earlier issue, the SCORCH accidentally switch- ed the photos of these outstanding water polo athletes during a regrettable Athlete of the Week snafu. Both Breadason and Allyn made notable contributions to the Teton water squad this week as they splashed and frolicked their way to an easy 14-2 victory over the Eugene Sewage Treatment Water Moccasins. Breadason and Allyn scored three goals apiece in the victory. The SCORCH regrets the earlier error and hopes this issue will clear things up. Uh .. . wait a minute. Hold on. These aren't the ... wait. . . Dawn Breadason Dina Allyn Page 10 April C 1982 - Atnil 1, MO~ The SCORCH Just when you thought it was safe to keep turning the pages. more fashionable travel Another Editor's Note: Phil and Buck's first glimpse of LCC's mighty Alps, and their subsequent discovery of LCC's equally mighty culinary facilities, prompted them to take a unique approaches toward two of LCC's greatest highlights: Climbing -and dining. / / I fL r { Buck and Phil surprise campus security officials with their concerted effort to explore one of LCC's finer dining areas. "Climbing is not just an outdoor sport," Buck quips. Adventure and challenge face these fashionable climbers as they scale the sheer stone face of one of LCC's mighty Alps. Thwarted in their indoor dining efforts, Phil and Buck resort to a more likely source of culinary delights. "I've been munching on aerosol cans since I was knee-high to a boll weevil,'' asserts Phil. "And just look at this physique." Photo, b} Beer le Baile) ifieds -Crass • serv1ees l.onely.• Oepressed.0 flungry? l'gly? II orry not friend! Larry 's l\1obile Picnic Sen·ice is now Larry ·s 'vfobile Picnic, Psychology, Plastic Surgery and Computer Oaring Sen·ice. Call be,/1,re midnight tonight. The Ralph Ra/pherson School of <iraphic P1111ctuation can make ewe a ri11hter two! Preu11is1ration required. --------- · - - --- for sale Head lice: }5 cents per thousand. "l.il-e" and guaran1eed lo infeCI large numbers. Call ext. }617. Head lice -- for FRf.'J-:. Visit your local elementary school. This has been a public sen'ice announcement brough1 to you by 4-Jay School District. Record collectors: Rare IP, "'vfarl'in (;aye J.fre At Sn/ Twhbaum 's Bar 'vfi1~1·ah, "SW. Call 555-0986. One college newspaper, cheap! f .'x1. 2657. Chinchilla hides, neK· and used, second floor .4dministration Building. U ill lrade my Susi for 77 i ega or '11ustang. Must be in good condition. Call 555-1212 and ask for John. Orugs! All kinds al low, low, lo..- prices. Buy now and sai·e. Fifty dollar rebate K·ith 1his ad on anr 5500 item in the opiate class. .·fre Pharmauutic~I Orugs, 555-ORL'G. l .arxe emply building (jormerb · the Bi/1tm). Possible housing for elderl.1·. Practical location. H 'ithin walking distance from l .o,·e Communitr Jail. In• quire at/_('(' Really. Slightly used diaphram. l'sed only tt1·ice. S/0. Can be ,ubHituled for a lung machine. Inquire at l'ta.rJ.id \'ursery, 555-5555. One slighlly used editor. Smart, ejficient and unoriani~ed. Come5 with his eiiht-year-o/d child. \o ,u,ociatiun K·ith JO-year-old ubm·e. As!.in!( 550 but K'ill negotiate. Call ex/. 1111. Pic11h· tables! Iii!(, .imall, long and short! Includes loading and unloading. Call l .arry's Competilor at 555-5175. Roat rides on cesspools! Situated nex1 to I m·e Communily Canal's beautiji,I alhletic )lelds. Calm surrounding next to freeway. Feed the beaut!fi,I 100 lb. duc!.s. S/0 a shot. Call I CC 4thletic IJepartmenl. IJead baby ducl,,s. Wild and domesth'. Some fresh. C,uaranteed .m1isfaction. C,ood for breaking 1he ice at parties. Call Chuc!. 1\-lanson at San Quemin Correcliona/ lnstillltion, Solilary l 'nit. /Jam/aids. l sed and new. Reasonable prh·es. l\-1a!.e ojfer. It might sai·e .r0t1r l~fe! Call 555-.\"ICK. wanted Stuffy's-- 108 W. 31st, 555-9610, Slim Whitman will perform Rock & Roll at 11 :30 p .m . No body charge. Maximillion's-- 55 W . 31st, 555-9610, Snow will perform as long as the audience keeps cool at 8:19. There will be a cover charge of $1 per outer garment. All personal weapons must be checked at the door. O'Mulligan's -- 44 South Eugene Rd., 555-9610, Rolling Stones will hop with some good tunes at 9:23. Warning: This band is not good enough to charge a cover. Halley's Comet -- 51 Moon Blvd., 555-9610, Put Benijar will give us her best at 6:02. Cover charge is $5 per person to get in and $25 if you want to leave . The Blue Cat Saloon -- 961 Benjamine Blvd., 555-4590, Two-Bit Flash will give an offbeat performance for five days, beginning at 7: 12 on April I, 1982. This is a benefit for all the people who are trying to impeach the president. Donations of $500 are being taken at the door. 777 E. 11th, Alcoholic's Inn 555-8430, The Fruit Stampers and The Corn Fields, will show us the way at 7:41. Cover charge for every alcoholic drink not consumed when instructed. dance Love Community Canal -- 4000 E. 30th. A dance performance to benefit the flowers in spring will be oerformed by The loose Bones Dance Soc,'pty. A group ranging in age from 2 to 99 will perform. The performance will be held April 1, 1982 at 12:31. Admission ranges from $2 for a floor mat to $25 for reserved stage seating. Please attend. The flowers need your support. theatre Love Community Canal -- 4000 E. 30th Ave. Eugene. Opening this exciting season is an Alfred _Hitchcock classic, Storko. The thrill and excitment of the real thing right at the tip of your eyeballs. The performance is scheduled for April I, at 6:80 and 9:61. Cost will be on a scale . $.03 per pound. GOOD LUCK! • movies Laypower -- 345 Lay Ln. Poor and Infamou s. Show at 3 a.m. and 10 a.m. Love Community Canal -- 4000 E. 30th ave. The Performing Art s Department will present a Jello Dolly film at 8 p.m. on April 32. McDonald Duck -- 34 W. Disney St. Boogie, Boogie, Boogie, at 9 p.m. and On Golden Ocean with Shoot !he Ear!h at anytime you show up. galleries Come on you jerks! You didn't really think there would be any gallery listings in April did you? Jeez, any art connoisseur knows galleries don't hold shows in April. tv XLAX-TV, operated by members of LCC's Beginning Cable Television Production class, will take the air for the first time April 5 at 5 p.m. on Cable Channel 69. KLAX will foist their video menace upon the public from studios in the Forum building on Love Community Canal's main campus. Eugene's newest TV station has been set up to give students valuable experience in three areas: • Obtaining and airing syndicated reruns of ancient, brainless ,;ituation comedies. • Covering sports events and producing local features of little or no consequence. • Selling and producing cheap, abrasive advertising to clients of questionable repute. Supervising the fledgling video enterprise is Fred Silvenongue, former Los Angeles video huckster wh o joined the LCC faculty last mo nth. Repeatedly slapping the fender o f hi s car for emphasis, Sil ve rtongue predicted, "if we break even it ' ll be a miracle. 1f we're still in business in June I'll ride Andy the Wonder Buffalo naked through the downtown mall!'' Program director Grant Finker announced that the first day of programming would be dedicated to Newton Minow, former chairman of the Federal Communications Commission. Minow made headlines in 1961 when he decried the state of TV programming, calling the medium "a vast wasteland.'' KLAX's Monday inaugural program schedule runs as follows: Forty,lfre (,f.'I) studem.r lom1ed in 4pprenti.-eship /Jui/ding. Smokers preferred. 1:'.rlensfre knowledge of m,t,mwbiles u must. Call 555-9586. autos Parting /JIii /9}5 Slut: Hearmt. 555-1847. f.'mp/oymenl Opportunity: }'ear-round. ol/fdoor occupa1ion, in !>Unny Central ,md South America. Trai·e/, earn and learn. Call I ito or "/Jugs" at 555-21198. \ume j11r I o,·e Community Canal 111hletic learns. Cull ex,. 2657. 4 meaninf?Ju/ relationship with something other than my farrah faw,•efl doll. 4,/,, .f11r 'vie/ at 555-771}. United States is upstaged by a chimpanzee. 8:30 -- LEAVE IT TO BEAVER BONANZA 9:00 Skelter" The Cartwrights warped forward to the year find that the Ponderosa taken over by a band of savages. 'Heal 1h·!.et. \fust be rnte, ; ; ; , d ~ n d generous. Call 5.U-1619. ..t 1!. }1,r "stud." 82 /)e/1Jrean. Rough body, rough engine. S175 or he.\ f o.ffer. 555-9865. and Out -Down • mus1e l :'ugenel \ew for!. airline 1ic!.et. As!. for Buel,, and/ or Phil at 555-4889. "Helter are time1968, and has been muderous Fire Sale! 72 l'illfo. Runs goocl, ,·ery dean e.r('('pt ,li1r minor ,mol,,e clllmu,:e in rear seat. 58600. 555-91177. /Jodie, pilinled. (,omf work. reasonable rales. Cur painling oplionul. 555-.1996. I i('('-f're~idential limo. Hu//etpmof glas~. hotly. tire!>, mirron, trun!.. hood, headli!(hf!, chrome, tailight.\ (l/1(/ IIJIIWl.\fery. One \mall r111~l .\£'f'll(Ch. I il,,e ,,.,,.._ S}2,()()0. rJ.. Ji1r (,eorie. (}()1)456-ll l 2. 10:00 -- GREEN ACRES -- "If It Weren't For The Honor . .. " Arnold The Pig is invited to a barbeque at the LBJ ranch. 10:30 -- LEAVE IT TO BEAVER 11:00 -- SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -Guest host Billy Carter buys a cheeseburger, drinks beer with the rnneheads and throws up on Mr. Bill. 58 f .'dsel. Creal c1Jndition, susceptible to nas/J' rumors. Plenly of other gems, too. Ralph Ralpher- son Molors, }05 Cen., 4{)()() f.'. 30th A,·e.. Eugene. messages lost: Ethics and morals. If found please return to the SCORCH. Found: ASSLCC treasurer. May claim at LCC Security Office. Answers 10 "Davy." Susi -- /lad a great K'eekend! Belter see a doc/or! -John. Srntt Rusi -· I o.·i/1 dona/e }9 ('('n/s .ft,r new pa1•emen1 on my drfre,..ay. l\1eet me al 8th and l .incoln. (Hlac!. Caddy). O111111a -- l'leu.1e don·, make me beat anybody up! -- J. IJ. John -- I did! I 1111 're" Ja1her! -- Smi. ·Ill dm1(11ed ad1·ertiumen11 of !hue words or are .\}5 j11r / 111·e Communit_;· ( anal ,1udenll. \on-1111de111.1: ~/' .rm, hare /0 111!. how mufh it co,11, you ,.,,,, ·, u.fj11rd ii . .\o hear it. le1.1 UNDERGROUND 12:00 THEATRE -- "Raiders of the Lost Ark" (1981) Harrison Ford, Karen (Alien. Presented in its entirety without commercial interruption. Don't tell anyone or we're in big trnuble . compiled by Mike "Mike" Slim and Veckley Mach II DAN WANTS YOU to come take a test drive and feel the powerful thrust of his economically horsepowered engines. 5:00 -- LEAVE IT TO BEAVER "The Dome" The Cleavers face their biggest crisis ever when Wally decides to shave hi s head . BEVERLY THE 5:30 HILLBILLIES -- "Boulevard Nights" Jethro takes up pimping. 6:00 -- KLAX NEWSWATCH -- The Channel 69 news team reads top stories of the day from the RegisterGuard. 6: IS -- EARTH GOURMET -- "Chef Buzz" prepares nattiral recipes . Tonights menu: brownies and tea . Galley River Twin -- 2324 Galley Ln. Whose Scotch is it anyway ? and Malice Clearly Intended will show at 4:30, 5, 5:30 and 6 p.m. respectively. SPORTS SPECIAL: 6:30 CELEBRITY MUD WRESTLING -Live from O'Callahan's. Main event: Anne Bradley vs. Leslie Mihata. 2333 Strangefield Quadruple Strangefield Ln. Raiders of rhe losr Lark will show at 4 a.m. only. 7:00 -- CINEMA 69 -- "Bedtime for Bonzo" (1951) Ronald Reagan, Ann Blyth. The future president of the Just ask for Dan at Voracious Volkswagons Unlimited 1n 1 Strangefield Ln. -Ominous Gatherin g-------El Salvador rhetoric spewed Both ends of the political spectrum will clash April 15 when Jeremy Gerber, a noted leftist activist, and Odd Bunion, an avowed facist, discuss the topic El Salvador: Fight or Flight. The discussion, to be held in the East parking lot, will feature lively and open debate between the gutsy freedom fighter and the oppressive, overbearing brownshirt. Call the Love County Events Coordination Center at 555-8743 for more information. lege newspapers get away with these days" cited the April I, 1981 issue of the Immorald in his $ 1. I million lawsuit. His April 22 lecture will also include discussions on freedom of the press and Intercontinental Ballistic Missile (ICBM) usage in Love County as an alternative to the M-16s the county received in 1981. The Love County Animal Regulation Authority shelter has received calls from the South Hills area about sick seagulls in area neighborhoods. Feeding the seagulls is discouraged. Crocodiles can be protected against distemper by feeding them live sheep. These delightful, cuddly, fun-loving creatures should not be confused with the deadly, pedigreed alligators bred for alligator wrestling action. For more information contact Lane County Animal Regulation at 555-CROC or your wildlife department. Karate Club update Stockman to speak Salad subsidies slated ASSLCC Pres. Reuben Sandwich is proud to present his first useful effort of the I 981-82 school year. Beginning May I, the student government will subsidize salad sales in the "cafeteria," as it is known in some circles. Sandwich says new leadership on the student newspaper was instrumental in swaying campus opinion on the touchy issue. "We couldn't have did it without 'em," he lauded. Used books loitering All types of books ranging from textbooks to coloring books have been loitering in the LCC book store. These books, rejected by LCC students, are concerned they will be recycled if nobody buys them . One book, Superman Coloring Book, says he can't understand why they aren't being bought. If you are one of these books on the LCC campus the Humane Coalition for Unwanted Books will hold their first meeting April 2 at 8 p.m. in the LCC bookstore. Distemper alert The Love County Animal Regulation Authority reminds crocodile owners that their crocodile~ can contract distemper from seagulls. David Stockman, aide to President Reagan, will be on campus April 9 to speak on "The Joys of Deceit." Stockman is traveling to community colleges across the US in an attempt to clear his reputation. He says he will write an autobiography when the tour is finished. Stockman will speak in Forum 123 at 8 p.m. Planet alignment lecture Dr. Billion Buggs, planetarium director, will focus attention on the alignment of the planets which occured on March 10, I 982. The lecture/demonstration will focus on Buggs' mistake in saying the world would not end. According to Buggs, he was sure he was ri ght and apologizes to all those who made daily pla ns for March 10 assuming they'd still be here. Buggs claims that any future predictions on alignment will include the end of the world. Admission will be $100. For further information, call Love Planetarium at 555-4444. t :f.:'.~: Learn to tutor PhDs Overeaters club meets Students interested in learning how to unteach English to doctorate holders are invited to a ' method workshop on March 5, 6 and 13. The workshop will focu s on how to force theoretically intelligent people out of the job market and give less fortunat e individuals a chance. Held at the LCC downtown center, the cost of the workshop is $6. Applications are available from !want Itnow at 555-781 5. Overmasticators anonymous, a club for all food lovers on the LCC campus, has changed plans for its April 11 meeting. Instead of meeting at Love, the new meeting place will be at Farrell's Ice Cream Parlor. The meeting will be held from breakfast to dinner to allow enough time for the lengthy meeting. For more information call Farrell's or the Eugene chapter of the Elizabeth Taylor Fan Club. 'i?;ti;· '1 .,, 0 r- 3 ::s • <. :., :r N ,.... \0 QC N --~ ;. i it ~' , t ,_.. f' $3 -c ' :t ;t ,; .. compiled by Space Case f' jlt:~t ; . ,..,/'.: ,,_ Members of the Love Community Canal chapter of the All Dressed Up With No Place To Go club will meet April 2 in the lobby of the Performing Arts Building at, "oh, let's say seven ish," says club president Muffy McDermott. i : ' . -; }./'" t 11/t ~..>" ~- ~ - ~,. "3> $, ADU/WNPTG ' } ~· .<1,c. ~~<> ;:f~; Picnic service begins Eugene/Springfield residents sans picnic table now have a unique opportunity to experience the joys of temporarily owning what has become a picnic tradition. Larry's Mobile Picnic Service, "for folks on the go," offers several picnic packages for the pacesetting family. "I wanted to give area families a change of pace," says Larry. For more information or reservations call Larry's Mobile Picnic Service at 555-FOOD. The Love County Sheriff' s Department is sponsoring a two-day workshop to help citizens learn how to lie, cheat, steal, sell their bodies and rob food stamps from mailboxes. An official from the department says they want. more crime on the streets so the department can hire more staff to decrease the unemployment rate in the county. The workshop will be held in Cell C-2 at the Love County Jail on April 10 at midnight. Love County District Attorney Hat Porton will hold a conference for all interested citizens to announce the lawsuit he brought against the SCORCH involving libelous material printed in the U of O Daily lmmorald last year. Porton, who says he is outraged at "what col- Bluepeace is sponsoring a film and talk entitled, "Fun Whaling," an account of legal Japanese whaling based on research done by Bluepeace International. The event will be held at the Eugene Public Library on Tuesday April 8, at 7:30 p.m. Admission is free. For more information call 555-8121. The new Karate Club on the LCC campus has closed for the rest of the year due to injuries. • All club members were rushed to the hospital with broken limbs and dislocated noses last week after a match with the Bruce Lee All-Stars, a championship-caliber squad from Harlem. According to club president Dennis "The Menace" Cruiserweight, the club will resume operations fall term. He advises beginners not to try karate by themselves: "It's dangerous stuff and not to be messed with." Learn crime Porton sues SCORCH Legal whaling discussed t~? -~f. #;~ i · ,~. it It l ;r ·, /l ,t f "' .• ;')/ ~· .~ ~. "' " " =