Lane
Community
College
Vol. 22, No. 19 April 1, 1982 - 1i

4000 E. 30th Ave. Eugene, OR 97405 .

,, 1982

Rust attacks Atiyeh's plans
to attract defense industry
by Ron Kelley
of the TORCH

When Gov. Vic Atiyeh
recently denounced President
Reagan's attempts to balance
the budget, Atiyeh was "biting
the hand that feeds him,'' said
Democratic gubernatorial
hopeful Jerry Rust at LCC
March 30.

Photo by Bonnie Nicholas

Democratic gubernatorial candidate Jerry Rust spoke on alternatives to nuclear energy at LCC March 30

"He (Atiyeh) has a hand out
to Washington saying, 'give
me military contracts,' (to
draw industry dollars into
Oregon) but with his other
hand he is manipulating his
political position by renouncing Reaganomics." said Rust.
In a recent letter to the
president, Atiyeh criticized
Reagan's bid for increased
military spending. Atiyeh requested a decrease in the spending to lower huge federal
deficits and high interest rates

which are crippling Oregon's
housing industry.
Rust followed an impromptu speech to about 30 students
outside of the Center Building
with a special interview with
·the TORCH.
He told the TORCH that
Atiyeh wanted "a share of
Reagan's planned trillion
dollar investment in the
military over the next few
years."
Atiyeh announced to the
Oregon legislature last
February that his new
economic recovery program
would include luring defense
industries and contracts to
Oregon, Rust said.
But Rust has different plans
for Oregon: "I '11 fight to keep
the defense industry out of our
state . . . The most important
movement in America is the
Peace Movement and I'm a

Fumes scare prompts action

Despite assurances that no
health hazards exist in the
Health Occupations building,
the LCC Board March 10
authorized $4,700 for
modifications to the building's
exhaust and ventilation
systems.
Concern about health
hazards in the building emerged when eight home economics
employees complained of
nerve damage last fall. The
concern heightened when
fumes from the dental lab
forced the evacuation of 18
children from the building's
Child Development Center
Feb. 5.
The board followed Na-tional Institute for Occupational Safety and Health

(NIOSH) recommendations
to:
• Increase air pressure in the
Home Economics Department
offices and classrooms.
Air conditioning in the
building will be modified to
maintain positive air pressure
in the Home Economics area.
A NIOSH report said negative
air pressure could cause potentially contaminated air to filter
into the Home Economics
area. LCC maintenance staff
will make this modification.
• Change the exhaust duct
leading from the campus laundry to the roof of the building.
The NIOSH report recommends pointing the final portion of the duct up -- not
horizontally as it now points -to dilute "potentially toxic
contaminants from the
dryer.'' The board authorized

• An LCC dean worries
that maintenance will take a
back seat to 'people
dollars.' See story, page 4.

modification.
• Install additional vents in
the dental lab.
The NIOSH report said the
dental lab "lacks adequate
local ventilation." LCC
Facilities Director Paul Colvin
says eight registers and two
ducts will be installed to comply with this recommendation.
The board authorized $4,000
to contract for this modification.
Colvin says the three
modifications should be completed within a month. The
area's depressed economy, he
says, has created a light
workload for local contractors. In these circumstances,
says Colvin, having contracted
work done is simply a matter
of soliciting quotes on the
work to be done and writing a
contract.

• Telecourses are providing a convenient form of
education for over 500 LCC
students. See story, page 5.

He said his preference
would be for Oregon to
the
on
capitalize
"telecommunications revolution sweeping the nation,''
and to eventually export
technology and programming
following investments in
'' hard core research and
development at campuses such
as OIT (Oregon Institute of
Technology)."
Rust claimed other sig~ificant differences with Atiyeh's
policies, criticizing Atiyeh's
support of the nuclear industry, Atiyeh's approach this
winter to balance the state's
$317 million deficit, and the
resultant cuts in higher education.

Turn to

Rust, page 3

Board victors emerge

Vents to undergo changes
by Larry Swanson
of the TORCH

peace candidate."

by Jeff Keating
of the TORCH

.

Mary Unruh and Robert Bowser won close races
for two vacant LCC Board seats Tuesday in an election that made news primarily because of its low turnout.
Only 7.65 percent of Lane County's 152,542 eligible voters went to the polls March 30 to determine,
among other county positions, the replacements for
former LCC Board members Catherine Lauris and
Les Hendrickson.
Unruh, a 29-year-old Eugene stockbroker, edged
perennial candidate Mel Jackson and two other candidates in the Zone 5 spot vacated by Lauris. Unruh's
3,715 votes beat out the former county commissioner
candidate's 3,517 ballots.
Bowser, 39, emerged the victor in a 14-candidate
race for Hendrickson's at-large board slot. The
Eugene construction management firm owner topped
Eugene law clerk Peter Sorenson's votes 1,862 to
1,706.
No other candidate in the large field got as much as
8 percent of the vote as compared to Bowser's 15.9
percent and Sorenson's 15.7 percent.
The two newest LCC Board members will assume
their duties beginning July I.

• Are society's stigmas
creating obstacles for the
mentally ill? See story, page
8.

Page 2 April 1, 1982 - ~ , 1982 The TORCH

FREE FOR ALL

Board members should strive for equal representation

LCC Board's scope must expand
Editorial
by Ron Kelley
of the TORCH

.-

The TORCH welcomes Mary Unruh
and Robert Bowers to the two LCC
Board of Education seats being
vacated July I. Unruh and Bowers
were narrowly elected by Lane County
voters to the vacant seats March 30.
The TORCH was unable to interview the candidates and to inform the
LCC community of their individual
merits since the last issue of the term
was on March 4, only a day after the
filing deadline for candidates.
The candidates' comments appeared
in the Eugene Register-Guard. They
were comforting but too limited to
make any sound predictions of what
the LCC community might expect.
The TORCH offers, instead, a few
concerns about how we believe the
LCC Board should fulfill its mandate
from the voters.
The issues at LCC this year go far
beyond concern for proper management of an educational facility. They
involve the very survival of higher
education in a climate of crisis.

-Letters

Abortion no ioke
To The Editor:

- This letter is in response to
all the anti-abortion letters the
TORCH has received lately.
On March 5 and 8, I conducted a "pro-choice" petition drive here on campus. In
this short time I accumulated
close to 300 signatures (25 percent male). The petition reads:
Affirmation of Pro-Choice
''We the undersigned are opposed to any bill or amendment which limits the rights of
women to control their own
• bodies. More specifically, we
oppose the Hatch amendment,
Family Protection Act, and

And more than ever before LCC
must be viewed as pivotal to this county's capacity to recover economically.
It is the hingepin of the area's ability to
diversify and to retrain itself in the
wake of high unemployment and huge
deficits.
But board activities lie in · two
primary arenas:
• One arena includes LCC's commitment to the Lane County community
and to Oregon's system of higher
education. LCC's tentacles reach into
every corner of the county. And outside organizations borrow or rent the
facilities.
• When residents want to increase
their skills, change their careers, pay
affordable tuition for continued education, or ready themselves for university
studies -- they turn to LCC rather than
a major institution.
The board must maintain its long
standing "open door" policy and provide accessible education for the
citizens it serves. And it must not draw
arbitrary battle lines between vocational and college preparatory classes.
• The other arena includes the LCC
family -- the administration, faculty,

the Human Life bill."
At this time I would like to
thank those who showed their
support by signing this petition ... Thank You.
I suggest to all those who
oppose the right of choice in
the matter of abortion to add
"Introduction to Women's
Studies," Seq. 1498, Course
WS 101 to their schedules.
You may not change your
perspective on this issue;
however, you may better
understand a woman's
perspective in our culture today.
Today is April 1, April
Fool's Day. The issue of abortion is not a joke. Understanding the complexities involved

The TORCH
EDITOR: Ron Kelley
ASSOCIATE EDITOR: Larry Swanson
FEATURES EDITOR: Jeff Keating
INFORMATION EDITOR: Paula Case
PHOTO EDITO R: Bonnie Ni cholas
STAFF REPORTERS: David Bowers,
Susan Crosman, Belinda Gomez, Terry
Rhoads, Marty Schwarzbauer, Mike Sims
STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS: Michael
Bailey, Paul Caporale, Andrew
Hanhardt, Lisa Jones, Gene White
PRODUCTION MANAGER: Tim Swillinger
PRODUCTION ADVISOR: Lesa Carmean
PRODUCTION: Paula Case, Lauri Geer,
Caryn Jacobson, Jeff Keating, Barbara
Littman, Bonnie Nicholas, Linda
Reynolds, Mike Sims, Larry Swanson,
Tim Swillinger, Gene White
CARTOONIST AND GRAPHIC ARTISTS: Marvin Denmark, William
DiMarco, Bill Lee
INFORMATION ASSISTANT: Becky
Mach
ADVERTISING MANAGER : Jan
Brown
ADVERTISING ASSISTANT: Caryn
Jacobson
COPYSETTER: Linda Johns
RECEPTIONIST: Linda Reynolds

DISTRIBUTION: Tim Olson
The TORCH is a studen1-managed
newspaper, published on Thursdays,
Seplcmber through June.
News stories are compressed, con,ise
reports, in1ended to be as fair and balanced as possible. Some ma y appear with a
byline to indicale the reporter responsible.
News features, because of their broader
s,opc, may .:ontain some judgmen1s on
the pan of 1he writer. They are identified
with a "feature" byline.
"Forums" are essay, contribu1ed by
TORCH readers and are aimed at broad
issues facing members of 1he communi ty.
They should be limited to 750 words.
"Lelters to 1he Editor" are intended as
short rnmmentaries on stories appearing
in The TORCH. The editor reserves the
right to edit for libel or length.
"Omnium-Gatherum" se rves as a
public announcement forum. Activities
related to LCC will be given priority.
All correspondence must be typed and
signed by the writer. Deadlines are the
Monday prior to publication. Mail or bring all correspondence to: The TORCH,
Room 205 Center Building, 4000 E. 30th
Ave. Eugene, Or 97401. Phone 747-4501,
ext. 2654.

students and staff. The facets comprising this family are diverse.
The board must represent each facet
equally if it is to better fulfill its
responsibilities to the voting public.
But board actions witnessed by the
TORCH regarding labor/administration negotiations have shown that
this is not the case.
During discussions in closed door
sessions, it is difficult to tell the difference between administration and
board members. The chief negotiator
speaks to board members as though the
victories or losses for the administration on the negotiating table are tallies
on the board's scorecard.
These interactions between the administration and board members foster
an attitude which should be discouraged. They limit the scope of the board
members and, consequently, result in
narrowly based decisions.
Why do board mernbers assume the
posture and interests of the administration as their own when it is charged
with representing all facets of LCC?
How can Lane residents expect the
board to respond to the county's need
to div_ersify if it chooses to maintain

in living in this ''male
dominated'' society leads me
(and hopefully others) to
believe that the "choice" is
not the fecleral or state government's or the Moral Majority's; it is the right of the individual to choose to or not to
abort.
Mr. Tracy M. Davis

Pro-parenthood
To The Editor:

Some elements in our
"modern" society tend to
devalue the importance of the
family unit. That's too bad
because if strong American
families become the exception
-- rather than the rule -America cannot preserve itself
as a culture or a nation for
very long.
Young men and women are
told their highest priority and
goal in life lies in ascertaining
a "glamorous" or high-paying
occupation while the idea of
bringing up a family is, at
best,- presented as secondary in
importance to monetary success. Certain types of accomplishments receive much
glorification today while the
importance of parenthood is
ignored -- or even significantly
downplayed. That's rather
odd since our nation could endure without many of its
glamorous occupations but it
certainly couldn't continue
with motherhood and
fatherhood. So which undertaking is really the most im-

this posture?
Board members are entrusted with
virtually total decision-making powers
over every aspect of campus life. They
establish all curricula, student, faculty
and staff requirements, admission
standards, use of grounds and
facilities, budget determinations, real
property negotiations, and student services. Their authority is only limited by
state law and the amount of dollar appropriations alloted by the state.
Certainly, it is appropriate for board
members to view themselves as
''managers''.
But they are managers for the county's citizens. They must distinguish
their task from the necessary role the
college administration plays in its
negotiations with labor or in providing
for students' needs.
The board's task is larger. They
must balance the world outside of LCC
with the world within.
LCC's diverse facets -- administration, faculty, students and staff -- must
have equal access to the board. And
county residents must continue to have
equal access to LCC's quality programs.

portant overall?
Parents have the opportunity to cultivate desirable values
and behavior in our future
generations. What other accomplishment can substitute
for success in creating, nurturing, and providing the direction for the citizens who will
inherit this country?
Just remember, no amount
of military hardware or financial power will preserve
America in the long run if
youth accept a philosophy that
parenthood isn't such a meaningful or worthwhile goal. The
foundations of all great nations, including our own, rest
on preservation of the family
unit.
Let's give parenthood the
respect it truly deserves.
Theresa Cross

Poverty-'s murder
To Whom It May Concern-

-and it concerns you!
The number of destitute and
improverished in our population is growing by leaps and
bounds.
Those already destitute or
grossly impoverished will
quickly die; the poor will live
somewhat longer. The newly
impoverished and destitute
will survive longer, as at present most are in good health.
What will kill these people
as surely as a bullet in their
heads? Starvation - there
won't be enough garbage to
keep them alive; lack of

medical care and medicines;
lack of shelter from the
elements; increased illness due
to loss of resistance and near
starvation.
Those few who may survive
until jobs start becoming
available again will NOT be
hired.
Why will they NOT be
hired? Unfit to work even
part-time; unqualified for the
types of jobs by then
available; unable to get the
training for new types of
work, even if fit to undertake
the training, which most will
not be.
I'm NOT talking about a
few hundred or a few thousand people. I am talking
about a very large and growing
number of our people who as
yet are still a minority of the
population.
Due to the increasing
unemployment and loss of
jobs open to the unemployed
increasing rapidly, it will not
be long until this minority
becomes a majority of our
population.
In my opinion, Reagan's
economic policies are just as
inhumane and vicious as was
Hitler's "final solution" to
the Jewish problem, which he
justified by claiming that the
Jews were responsible for all
of Germany's economic problems.
In both cases, deaths
resulting from such programs
are
DELIBERATE
MURDER .. .in my opinion.
Marge Paulie

On the Wire
Compiled by Larry Swanson
of the TORCH
from AP wire service reports

Reagan supports nuclear arms freeze, but . ..

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Pres. Reagan, at a March 31
press conference, says he supports a nuclear arms freeze
-- but only after the US and Soviet Union are closer
together in numbers of strategic weapons. The administration says the Soviets now hold an advantage
over the US.
Reagan's speech drew quick criticism from Oreg?n
Senator Mark Hatfield. Hatfield charged Reagan with
"fantasyland thinking." Referring to Reagan's _statement that the Soviet Union could absorb a retahatory
US nuclear attack and strike back, Hatfield said, "~
first strike by either side would in effect destroy this
planet."
Four killed in airdrop exercise

FORT IRWIN, Calif. -- Four Army paratroopers were
killed and 156 injured March 30 in a training exercise
conducted in a Southern California wind storm.
Nearly 3,000 Army troops particip~ted in Gallant
Eagle 82, the largest military airdrop smce Wo~ld War
II. The operation was designed to test the readmess of
the military's Rapid Deployment Force.
The Army says the original injury toll doubled when
it altered the way it classified the men as injured.
Defense budget reaffirmed in South Korea

SEOUL, South Korea -- Defense Secretary Caspar
Weinberger reaffirmed the Reagan administration's
commitment to defend South Korea from an invasion
from North Korea in a speech to business and community leaders in Seoul March 30.
The defense secretary told the South Koreans that
American forces in the Pacific region "are being
strengthened'' and that the commitment was a
"reaffirmation" of the Reagan administration's expanding defense budget.

RU S t

The TORCH April 1, 1982 continued from page 1

• Rust said he is the only
candidate to call for termination of the five WPPSS
(Washington Public Power
Supply System) nuclear plants
under construction.
WPPSS plants four and five
are being terminated. Plants
one and three may follow suit
if officials act on recent
reports stating the plants' expected power is no longer
needed in the Northwest. The
costs for all five plants has
reached nearly $27 billion, increasing utility rates in some
districts.
Rust says Atiyeh has long
been an advocate for nuclear
power and the WPPSS project. He says the governor
shelved a report from The
Alternative Energy Development Commission which he
empowered more than a year
ago to study alternatives to
nuclear energy.
The commission reported
that at least 4,000 megawatts
(the equivalent of 4 Trojan
Nuclear Power Plants) could
be developed with resources
that are renewable, said Rust.
Energy can be created right
now "without damming up
wild rivers -- that would be environmentally, technically and
economically feasible,'' he
said.
And he added that Oregon
has a unique geographic advantage for pioneering
renewable energy systems such
as solar, wind and geothermal.
• Rust also differed with
Atiyeh's efforts to balance the
more than $317 million state
deficit. Rust supports a
graduated income tax that

6-year-old's_'trial' may move to Disney World

GAINESVILLE, Fla. -- The case of a 6-year-old girl
charged with bloodying the nose of a playmate may
move from criminal court to Disney World under the
auspices of a private arbitrator, officials said March 29.
A "citizen arbitrator" will sit down with the parents
of first-grader Nancy Jo Burch and those of the 7-yearold alleged victim, Shirley Lynn Nickolls, and help them
resolve the dispute, State Attorney Eugene Whitworth
said.
'' I may suggest that we all go to dinner and the
movies together; bring the kids. We may all go to
Disney World or something," said Gary Weinstein, who
will function as arbitrator.

Because of recent state
alloted monies totaling
$400,000, the Lane County
Heating Assistance Program
will process 2,500 more low
income households this year
than expected.
A few months ago the
heating assistance program
ran out of its $825,000
federally allocated money to
help low income families
heat their homes.
Richie Weinman, office
supervisor, says the program

ran short because of the large
number of low income
families receiving aid -because of ''the unemployment rate and the saddened
state of the economy.''
The program received
another $269,000 from the
state on Feb. 16, but that still
wasn't enough to help all the
applicants.
Early this week the heating
assistance program received
another $400,000 in additional funding to assist
households.
Neither households which

would increase or decrease tax
payments "according to ability to pay."
And he opposes a sales tax
because it "is a blanket tax
without regard to ability to
pay.''
But Atiyeh, said Rust, endorses Reagan's supply-side
theories and favors cuts in
spending for social services
over raising taxes for those
with larger incomes.
• Regarding Oregon's educational system, Rust said, "It's
incredible to see how we can
push for diversification and
allow higher education io go
down the tubes."
He said that when he
graduated from the U of O in

I965, it had one of the highest
ratings in the country, but that
a recent survey of 95 universities placed the U of O at the
bottom in many services such
as its library.
Reaganomics will cut Pell
grants (formerly BEOG) and
other student grants in half, he
said. "That's like closing
down several mills as far as
impact to the area."
Rust believes Reagan is shifting the federal deficit down to
state and local governments.
He agrees that local governments must respond by being
more efficient, but that Atiyeh
is responding with "crises
management" rather than
planned management. •

ADC student parents examine changes
LCC students receiving Aid
to Dependent Children (ADC)
are concerned that they are
about to be ''thrown into a job
market that just isn't there."
These students
and
legislators, political candidates, bankers and representatives of several organizations
-- will meet Wed., April 7, in
Forum 308 at 3 p.m. to examine changes in the interpretation of ADC regulations

Heating agency gets $ boost
by Paula Case
of the TORCH

Photo by Bonnie Nicholas

Jerry Rust chats with students in the LCC cafeteria

have already been served
since December nor occupants of subsidized housing are eligible for assistance.
The amount individual
households may receive is
determined by the total
amount of income, number
of people in the family, and
the type of heating used. If
heat is supplied by EWEB or
SUB, the grant is sent directly to the agency in the
customer's name.
The new deadline for submitting applications is April
15. The agency's phone
number is 687-3835.

that could force as many as
500 LCC students out of
school.
Bettijean Fawver, who
organized the meeting, says
three topics will be discussed
at the meeting:

• The law and how it is being
applied. A new interpretation
of regulations has caused confusion for ADC students. One
law requires ADC parents with
children under the age of three
to register with the WIN Jobs
Program. Another requirement says parents must personally provide care for their
children under three with only
brief and infrequent absences,
even if they pay for child care.
• Long-range effects offarcing ADC students out of training programs. Fawver says
grant and loan repayments to
local banks would be slowed
by forcing students into

''demeaning
grams.''

training

pro-

• Finding solutions and taking action. Fawver says a voter
registration drive and intense
lobbying will kick off efforts
to keep ADC students in
school. But she hopes the
meeting will create several
other solutions to the problem.
Persons and organizations
planning to attend or send
representaives to the meeting
include Congressman Jim
Weaver; Representatives
Margie Hendriksen, Mary
Burrows and Gratten Kerans;
newly elected LCC Board
members Mary Unruh and
Bob Bowser; CETA; the
ACLU; First Interstate Bank
and US National Bank; LCC
and UO Financial Aid Offices;
and several candidates for
state and local offices.

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Page 4 April 1, 1982 - ~ . 1982 The TORCH

Lane campus upkeep in ieopardy
by Leslie Lucas
for the TORCH

The LCC dean of business
operations says funds must be
earmarked annually in the
buget for capital renewal of
the LCC facility even though
"it's tough to trade a person
for a portion of a roof.''
Speaking March 12 before a
group of 28 beginning LCC
journalism students, Dean Bill
Berry stressed the need to provide maintenance funds on a
recurring basis for such items
as the repair and replacement
of equipment, carpeting and
roofing on the LCC campus.
Earmarking funds in the
budget specifically for operations poses a dilemma, says
Berry. In an era of budget-

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tightening, faculty and staff
are deemed more important
for quality education than
physical assets.
This attitude is reflected in
the current LCC budget. Out
of the 1981-82 operating fund
of $24 million, about $250,000
is provided for capital outlay.
"We're in the business of dealing with education first and
foremost, therefore the demand (for funds) is always
greater on the instructional
side, " Berry explains. "Our
dollars are tied up in people."
As a result of this emphasis
on labor rather than capital,
major
LCC
campus
maintenance is deferred year
after year. Berry views this
deferral as a serious problem,
since the useful life expectancy
of many items on campus is
already being approached.

The proposed 1982-83
operating budget of $25.5
million will offer little relief in
the area of capital renewal. As
in the current budget, about
•$250,000 will be set aside for
capital outlay.
''The breakdown of any one
year budget is about 80 percent personnel," Berry says.
The remaining 20 percent, or
about $5 million, is available
for non-personnel expenditures. Of this amount, all
but $250,000 is required for
utilities and maintenance to
keep the institution functioning.
"The difficulty," according
to Berry, "comes in trying to
stretch that $250,000 among
all the needs of the campus.''
Funding problems are further compounded this year by

term for full-time students.
The limited summer term
will serve to ease financial
hardship
because
the
maintenance and cleaning required to prepare the campus
for fall term can be accomplished on an empty campus during regular working
hours when summer term
ends, eliminating overtime
wages for the maintenance
crew.
Of primary importance to
Berry, however, is to provide
funds in the budget for recurring capital renewal. In the immediate sense, more visible
concerns such as faculty and
staff seem to deserve more attention in the budget, but "we
have an obligation to the community to preserve the assets
of this plant for future generations," he says.

LCC services solve sticky situations
by Paul Hansen
for the TORCH

bed and stumble into the kitchen for your morning shot of
caffeine.
Imagine that you awake in
You turn on the electric
1712 Willamette
the morning with a toothache.
stove and nothing happens -- it
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Complaining, you fall out of
is broken. You return to your
room to dress, cursing all
modern conveniences.
Late for class, you hurry out
to your car. It refuses to start.
Nearly exploding in anger, you
Now open under
run to catch the bus and in donew ownership
ing so pull a muscle in your
leg.
Once on the bus you search
in vain for the correct change
and find that you are a few
with the purc:hose of ony t-shirt
cents short. Close to tears, you
(with this od)
cry out in anguish, "HELP!"
Relax. As an LCC student
you are eligible for services
Silk screening
that can solve nearly all of
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• First, the toothache.
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While the LCC Dental Clinic
does not service extensive or

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the Oregon state legislature's
action requiring that the
budget be balanced. The result
is that "we're already $1.1
million short to get balanced
for 1982-83," Berry states.
The biggest success to date
in cost cutting has been in the
area of energy management.
An energy computer installed
about five years ago monitors
peaks in LCC energy
demands. When the peaks
reach an unacceptable high
point, the computer starts
selectively shutting things off.
Of the several cost-cutting
and revenue-raising proposals
currently being considered by
LCC, two have already won
recent board approval: Reduction of the summer term from
twelve to eight weeks and a
tuition surcharge of $11 per

#~

_
.

_.•_::._ ~ -

....

::.

,--

-

AUTO SERVICE

• You can take your broken
stove to the appliance program
in the Electronics Department.
Better yet, call faculty member
Ray Nott at 747-4501 ext.
2463. He can tell you if what
you have fits in with what
they're studying.
• Mike Bailey in the
Automotive Mechanics Dept.
is the man to see about getting
your car repaired. He can be
reached by calling ext. 2379.

Bailey reports that he takes
most cars that are brought in
to him as long as it is suitable
for his students' curriculum.
Some time rnay pass before
you get your car back.
As in the previous cases this
is learning experience for the
students. The fact that you are
getting your car fixed for the
retail price of the parts alone not for the cost of the labor should be worth waiting a little
longer.

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complicated dental disease, it
is possible to have your teeth
cleaned or X-rayed at an extremely low price. Prophylaxis
and fluoride (cleaning) costs
eight dollars, and a bite-wing
radiograph only two dollars.
Since the LCC dental clinic
is a learning experience for
students, you may or may not
qualify as an acceptable patient. Qualifications are based
not on your ability to pay but
on whether your initial examination proves that you
would be a satisfactory educational experience for the dental hygiene students.
If you qualify and make an
appointment the dental clinic
expects you to be there on
time. Failure to keep an appointment will lead to
dismissal of a pad~nt. Further
information may be obtained
by calling the dental clinic at
726-2206.

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The TORCH April I, 1982 - A:lill!m,?,1982 Page 5

Channeling classes into the home
by Dianna Larsen

for the TORCH

Toni Ries, Tony Worley,
and Susan Welty were
classmates last term, but they
never saw one another in class.
They probably never even met
their instructor face-to-face.
During class time Worley
was nursing an injury and was
confined to bed. Reis was
home with her family. Welty
sat in the library. All three
were glued to the "Tube."
Like 500 other LCC
students, they enrolled in
televised courses, which are
becoming a popular alternative to traditional classroom
offerings.
LCC's first telecourse -- in
1979 -- drew only 24 students,
slim enrollment for the college's substantial investment
in equipment and time.
But the promotion of the
programs, the expansion to 12
separate offerings ranging
from ''Introduction to
Business" to "Understanding
Human Behavior," and the
notion of television as a learning medium can be credited
for the jump to 500 enrollees
by last term.
"Frankly, I don't care for

the traditional classroom
situation with required attendance and over 20 students in
the class,'' asserts Susan Welty. ''Telecourses remove me
from the classroom and boring
lectures.''
Welty also feels learning is
enhanced by the television
medium. Classes like "The
Art of Being Human," which
explores cultures of the world,
become entertaining because
they capitalize on television's
capacity to transport students
to foreign countries and
world-famous art museums.
Tony Worley doesn't like
the hassles of transporting his
wheelchair to campus.
Another injury last term made
mobility of any kind next to
impossible. So he studied from
his home in Springfield -- in
bed and in traction -- through
telecourses.
He says TV courses aren't as
impersonal as they may seem.
Students can get assistance
from instructors over the
telephone, he says, or by
meeting on campus. And last
term Telecourse Coordinator
Cynde Leathers brought tests
to Worley's home instead of
requiring him to travel to campus for exams.

For Toni Ries, who works
full-time outside the home in
addition to caring for her three
children, Saturday morning
telecourses fit her schedule
nicely. ''There are no complaints,''
she
insists.
"Everything stops. The kids
want to see mom succeed and
we all think the material (for
her '' Eastern and Wes tern
Religions" class) is really interesting.
"I'm a believer in the program,'' she states firmly. And
it's "a real advantage to be
able to watch the same program twice'' when something
is unclear -- or particularly interesting.''
At a recent seminar, national statistics on telecourse
student enrollment showed
that Welty, Worley and Ries
are typical users of this highly
flexible .scholastic resource.
A survey describes the
group as "goal-oriented; striving for upward mobility with
over 50 percent being
women.'' Like Ries, 60 percent are employed full-time;
20 percent are employed parttime, and the remainder -- like
Tony Worley -- are housebound in some way.

The college has produced
two courses of its own --''
Business English" and
"Shorthand" -- but otherwise
it leases courses from other
community college districts. A
complete list of this term's offerings is printed on page 11 of
the Spring Term Schedule.
Most courses are broadcast
over the Oregon Educational
and Public Broadcasting
(OEPBS) channels, and also
over commercial chanels serving Florence, Junction City,
and Oakridge.

The LCC Media Services
Department coordinates the
programming for cable Channel 24, which Teleprompter of
Oregon dedicated for
"instructional broadcasing"
use in 1981 to cable
subscribers who pay the additional $2 monthly charge.
Students register for television courses at LCC or by
mail. The cost is the same as
the $17 per credit hour oncampus rate. Students without
TV receivers may view
telecourses in the LCC Library
during regular library hours.

LCC students to be given priority in iob searches

Office hires second employment aide
by Paula Case

of the TORCH
The Student Employment
Service has hired another fulltime employee to go into the
community seeking jobs for
students.
The two-week old program
is designed to find permanent,
full-time, part-time and summer jobs for students and
citizens in the community.

Priority will be given to LCC
students.
The service has 30
registrants on the rolls and has
already placed two. Most of
the jobs available are in food
service and service positions
such as motel and hotel work.
There are also some openings
in summer camp work.
Students are required to
register with the service and
report in at least once a term.

Annual

WINTER SALE

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50% - 80% off

Fri.-Sat. April 2nd & 3rd

SPRING OPENING
360 E. 11th

Between Mill & High

Ph . 344- 7039
Hrs. 11:30-6 Mon . - Sat.

Participants can also inquire
about new jobs anytime during the work week.
Interested persons should
register with the service which
is located in the Financial Aid
Department on the second
floor of the center building.
For more information on
the Student Employment Service contact Linda Kluver or
. Shirley Perry at the office or
call 747-4501, ext. 2812.

WORK-STUDY STUDENTS!
JOIN THE TORCH STAFF
Ma .Her reportinK, newspaper production
xraphic art and manaKement skills
The TORCH aho offer, college credit, 1:ommis,ion positions, excellent
rc,umc cntric, and m:ca,ional piua r,artie,.
•

.'>ee TORCII Ldaor Ron f,:elley to upp/yfor thew positions:
c;raphk Artists
Photographer,
Sports Reporters

aCkstau

News Reporters
Word Proressors
Produrtiun Team Members

The TORCH
205 Center, extemion 2655

Dancewear & Theatrical

• Leotards
• Tights
• Dance Shoes
(Expertly Fit)
• Warm Ups
• Gymnastic Wear
• Theatrical Makeup

Delta Sanderson: Making
You had to actually think about things . . . and see that there's
this whole other level underneath the surface and· in between
each line.
Science Fiction
student, 1982
Read between the lines.
That's the only way to read Delta Sanderson. Somewhere between the European traveler and the crocheting grandmother,
between the clutter of her lectures and the clarity of her intellect
-- somewhere in there lurks a woman determined to define sin
and science fiction and redefine teaching in America.
Still, at home, crocheting booties for her grandchildren in
front of John Chancellor's muffled newscast, she seems too
relaxed, perhaps too much of a homebody, to match her reputation as a challenging thinker and teacher of literature, as she
labels it.
The Actor and the 3,500 Captives
She shoos her Siamese cat from a visitor's lap. The displaced
feline wanders away, seeking a new niche and realizing, just as
any of Delta's friends would, that an appeal is useless.
Delta says quite frankly that she didn't have to be pushed to
find her niche in life. "I've been a ham since the age of three,"
she says, "and I've never gotten over it." Rather than become
an actor though, she eventually chose the classroom as her stage
because "in a classroom, I've got a captive audience."
She teaches literature and composition classes at LCC. Since
1966, over 3,500 students have watched her amble into class
three or five or ten minutes late, listened to her lecture on 18th
Century poetry and 21st Century space travel and incorporated
-- much to her delight -- her diverse ideas into their education.
About 900 of those students have enrolled in Science Fiction:
Studies in Speculative Literature, a class that grew from Delta's
love and mastery of the subject and her desire to teach literature
through a popular form of fiction. The popularity of science fiction is reflected not only in the success of Delta's science fiction
cirriculum, but also in the success of local sci fi/fantasy shops
(see accompanying story) while the rest of the economy struggles
along.
While all of Delta's classes are popular, Science Fiction breeds
her most zealous followers. "She inspired me," says Susie
Wesp, a two-term Delta student. "I didn't know there were
teachers like that. She has -a 360 degree point of view. She's not
limiting at all."
On Lorane Highway: No Fences
Limits seem to be lacking in Delta's life beyond the classroom,
too. Her friends span the globe; her interests and activities range
from fishing to space colonization; the bookshelf in her office
includes the Bible and The Deathworld Trilogy, Babel-17 and
Poetry of the Victorian Era.
Even her house seems to strain at the limits its walls create.

Despite the incursion of several neighboring houses in recent ..
years, Delta's brown-trimmed home appears to stand alone
amid the fir trees on Lorane Highway. No fence or sudden
change in terrain marks the edge of her property. The driveway
disappears into the winter-wilted grass. The house looks as if it
could sprout another room at any minute.
And indeed it might. Since Delta moved into her home in
1946, it has grown three bedrooms, a bathroom and a garage
larger. Delta, her husband, Torry, and their three children seem
to have thrown the house together as an afterthought between
their frequent fishing and camping trips.
Torry, "a really neat guy," died in 1977, and the children
have scattered throughout the Northwest. And though she now
shares her "nest" only with the Siamese cat, Delta's domain
once again shows the marks of bulldozers and construction
equipment.
"This time I'm going to finish it/' vows Delta. But the impression lingers that the house will continue to expand -- a
boundless province limited only by building codes and Delta's
imagination.
Like Her House of Rooms, Her Mind Expanding
Perhaps _it's her boundless imagination that led to her interest
in science fiction, an interest that began in the 1940s with the
birth of that genre. Whatever the reason, Delta's infatuation
with science fiction has made her one of the worlds's leading
scholars in the field. Her boss, Language Arts Department Head
Jack Powell, says, ''She would be quite a catch for any university to teach science fiction."
Shortly after Torry's death, a science fiction scholar telephoned Delta prepared to beg her to teach at the World Science Fiction Conference in London. Asking Delta if she wants to teach
is, in her words, like asking, "Do babies want candy? Do dogs
want to bark?"
The conference would take three weeks of her time. How she
parlayed the trip into a six-month tour of Europe shows what a
friend calls "her boundless spirit."
She began with a one-month group tour of London, Athens
and 15 other major European cities. As she had thought, she
quickly tired of the restraints imposed by an organized tour and
set out to explore Europe on her own.
Outfitted with her backpack, shoulder bag and "a little German,'' she travelled from Austria to Portugal, from England to
Greece, wherever her wanderlust took her.
Following A Stranger ... For a Crochet Hook
On her way to Athens, tragedy struck.
Delta's yarn and crochet hook -- which take priority places
just behi.nd food and water on her list of necessities -- had disappeared. The discovery stunned her, especially since she was
about to embark on an 18-hour ferry trip across the Mediterranean.
She greeted the citizens of Athens with her fluent English,
limited German and a desperate need for a crochet hook. Sign
langu_age and pantomime elicited only knitting needles and other

,

useless trinkets. Finally, by holding up a finger curved like a
crochet hook, Delta conveyed her need to the fourth shopkeeper
she visited. But he had no crochet hooks.
Luckily, a stranger in the store overheard her conversation,
and said he knew of a shop that carried the elusive hooks. But
does a woman in her fifties travelling by herself simply follow a
new aquaintance through a foreign city -- for a crochet hook?
"You have to let go," explains Delta. So she took off through
the streets of Athens, trusting that her instincts and a man she
had just met would lead her from her crocheting purgatory.
Her instincts proved accurate. And despite a second lengthy
trip to find a yarn shop, Delta holds fond memories of Athens.
1n fact, Delta holds fond memories of nearly all of her experiences. And she relates many of these experiences in her
classroom -- interspersing them among accounts of the development of literature, lectures on the importance of space colonization and definitions of important philosophical terms -- including the term sin.
Innocence, Kindness -- and Sin Defined

Sin? Her Mormon background and lack of limits in the
science fiction class lead quite naturally to the notion.
Clutching a paperback novel and waving her arms like a traffic cop, she points out the the religious references in A Canticle
for Leibowitz, a novel the class is studying.
To understand the religious allusions in the novel, she says,
sin must be defined.
The class discusses the concept of original innocence. Delta illustrates primitive humans' innocence, kindness and closeness to
their gods.
Then she contrasted primitive and modern humans' attitudes
and motivations.
She seems satisfied that her point is made, and then moves on

•

onnect1on

Gandalf's: Sci-fi escape
and fantasy material was on the upswing"
when the movie was released. "It just
happened that that coincided with the upsurge -- a coincidence,'' he says.
Tracing it back even further, Plant
thinks the upswing began during the late
sixties, and that the success of TV shows
like Star Trek, and the rise in sci fi book
sales, was due to the political atmosphere
at the time.
The downswing in science fiction
resulted, he says, when Nixon took office:
The resistance to the Vietnam War, the
cloak and dagger atmosphere of the Pentagon Papers episode, and the mystery of
the Watergate affair kept people tuned to
their TV sets and daily newspapers.
"With Nixon in office, life was strange
enough,'' says Plant.
The popularity of the literature resumed with Gerald Ford's term of office.
Plant has been reading sci fi since the
age of five. He has worked at Gandalf's
Den for three years, since he was a senior
in high school.
He helped organize Unicon I, a science
fiction convention held in Eugene last
Nov. 7 and is now planning Eucon, a sci fi
convention to be held at the new Eugene
Hilton sometime in 1983.

Business at Gandalf's Den is about the
same as any other place in Eugene these
days -- suffering along with the weak
economy.
Darrel Plant, a Den employee, says
sales clt Gandalf's "have dropped enough
to notice,'' but adds that the business is
still doing relatively well.
And it's interesting that the store's biggest business is in expanding science fiction and fantasy games. These products,
though they don't necessarily sell as well
as books and comics, generate the most
profit for the store since they are sold on a
large margin.
And some of the slick sci fi and fantasy
publications are selling well. These are, in
effect, "professionally produced fan
magazines'' relating mainly to the sci fi
movie industry.
Starlog, one of the new successful
publications, was inspired by the TV
series Star Trek. But Future, "a sort of
low grade OMNI," according to Plant,
and Galileo were among those that failed.
The success of Star Wars and other sci
fi movies is a reflection of the growing
science fiction craze •- not the creator of
it, says Plant. "The trend towards sci fi

·• ······ ~ ~

~ ; - • .·I '''·•,>
I

to a discussion of of literature's intimate ties with social structures.
Walking In Late, But Still Making the Connections
The same class includes a IO-minute talk on an upcoming
novel: "Look, my dear, I can't figure out Ringworld, you fill us
in"; a discussion of realism -- "the slice of life kind of stuff" -in literature; a sermon on the evils of pigeonholing knowledge:
"For heaven's sake, don't draw boxes"; and several pauses
while Delta searched for a passage in a book: "Ah, here it is."
From any other teacher, it would be a garbled mess. But,
delivered by Delta, it makes sense.
And that's the key to Delta. She thrives on the connections
beneath the surface. She hurls her store of apparently unrelated
facts at class members, leans back in her chair, cocks her head to
one side and waits for the almost audible click of connections
being made.
The click doesn't always come, but when it does, Delta beams.
"My biggest reward is when students make connections. The
more I've taught, the more I've realized: 'You've got to make
connections.' I couldn't teach any other way."
She spurns the notion that teachers should be only information dispensers. Her definition of teaching is "an interchange of
ideas between student and teacher and student and student.''
The eager eyes of her students and the lively debates spawned in
her classroom illustrate her success in redefining teaching in at
least one little corner of the world.
Sure, her students sometimes have to wait three or five or ten
minutes before Delta careens into class, trailing books and
papers and mumbling accounts on the events that made her late.
But even her boss shrugs off her legendary tardiness: "She probably accomplishes more in the 45 minutes she holds forth than
many of us pull off in the 50 minutes we're there."

Story by Larry Swanson
Photos by Bonnie Nicholas

Page designed by Hollis Orr

Page 8 April 1, 1982

c

1 f f'fJk1', 1982 The TORCH

The myths of mental illness
by Susan Crosman

of the TORCH

". . . Confined to prisons,
escorted to the edge of town
to fend for themselves, or
beaten until they quieted
down or died. ..
"Burned in the Inquisition
as witches, chained to stocks
by the Greeks, Romans, and
early Americans, and placed
involuntarily in large
untherapeutic institutuions
throughout the world. ..
"Throughout history,
perhaps no other group has
been so ambivalently
regarded as the chronically
mentally ill. "
David L. Cutler
Madness.
Mistreated and misunderstood.
A frightening mystery
obscured in myths that
perpetually plague its victims.
"What is normal?" asked
LCC student Elizabeth
Hoopla, who has recently
recovered from her four-year
mental illness. "I asked my
doctor that about a year ago.
It's a very hard sort of thing to
define. How do you determine
a person to be normal?"
Cultural values determine
social norms. And yet Western
societies historically have exhibited a reluctance to take
responsibility for those deemed deviant.
"People are uncomfortable
and don't know what to do,"
says Norma Ragsdale,
psychotherapist at the Lane
County Mental Health Division (LCMHD). "So some
tend to turn their backs."
When Hoopla first enrolled
at LCC four years ago, she
was least concerned with the
discomfort of others; she was
only concerned with her own
struggles to contain her fear of
reality.
"I was totally incapable of
functioning. All I said to them
was 'give me a chance,' "
Hoopla smiles. LCC has proven to be the most beneficial
thing in Hoopla's life.
"Even though I've been
totally unaware of myself at
times, no one has mistreated
me whatsoever. Everybody
has been great -- tried to be -even when they didn't know
what was going on with me.
People were as understanding
as they possibly could be.''
Better-educated and financially secure people tend to be
more positive toward the mentally ill. But in general, people's negative attitudes overwhelm those afflicted with a
mental disorder.
Mental health experts il1us tr ated this degree of
negativism in a 1966 study
when 23 of 30 subjects
surveyed chose ''the man who
served a prison sentence" over
''the man who has been in a
mental hospital."
"I think we should all examine ourselves closely, and if

ty, dangerous, cold, unpredictable, insincere, etc., relative
to normal persons,'' and
reduces them to a non-person,
child-like role.
they shouldn't be sleeping or
"If we stop to consider
they're 'acting out' somewhere
who's ashamed of someone
and maybe destroying some
that has pneumonia or cancer,
property. . . , " says Del-Jeer.
is there any reason ... to think
One of 7 major studies
less of a person who has or
once had a mental illness?"
reviewed by the National Institute of Mental Health asks Carol Lee.
But reason does not always
(NIMH) in 1978 indicates that
prevail where madness is conless than 1 percent of the mental hospital population is con- cerned. Misconceptions such
as, "willpower is the basis of
sidered dangerous as comone's personal adjustment,"
pared to over 20 percent of the
general population.
and "if one can avoid morbid
Although controversy exists thoughts, he can avoid mental
as to the reliability of this illness,'' display the ignorance
study, mental health profes- of the general public.
However, in the event that a
severe mental problem results
in exaggerated or threatening
behavior, the public will
recommend hospitalization or
isolation to those deemed deviant.
But many mentally ill people do not exhibit abnormal
behavior
that
is
distinguishable from normal
behavior.
The negative sterotypes that
are held by the general public
of what a mentally ill person is
like permeate the staff at
hospitals, the families of the
mentally ill and the patient.
Patients
often
view
hospitalization as a form of in- carceration.
'' I felt very unsafe and I was
terrified. Because you see all
of these movies like One Flew
Over the Cuckoo's Nest and
you think these people are all
going to go beserk," Hoopla
says of her stay at the Johnson
Unit.
The public also has a low
opinion of the efficiency of
mental health professionals.
Even though a greater percentage of the mentally ill are
among the lower socioeconomic classes, they are
least likely to seek professional
help.
''The doctors really do do
the
best they can at this parsionals do share a consensus
ticular
time,'' says Hoopla, reon the issue.
counting
her own devastating
Experts assert that "most
experience
with several
studies indicate that the
therapeutic
drugs.
discharged mentally ill, as a
"It's just terrifying. It's not
whole, are significantly less
an
experiment. It's just that
prone than the general populathey
don't know. No one
tion to involvement in violent
knows
the contents of another
behavior. All studies indicate
person's
mind and no one
that the mentally ill are no
knows what this person has
more likely than the general
been through before they ever
population to be involved in came into this type of hospital
crimes such as assault, rape, or environment. And to try and
homicide.''
help the patient, Lord knows,
• Myth: Mental illness is
where do you begin?"
not a serious problem.
In Lane County, 39,473 of Editor's Note: The Myths of Mental
its 272,226 people are Illness by TORCH reporter Sue
estimated to be in need of Crosman is the second in a four part
some mental health service.
series on the experiences of the menAnd nationally, professionals tally ill. The first of the series, publishestimate that 1 in 10 people will ed last term, began with an account of
be hospitalized for a mental LCC student Carol Lee Fletcher's
health problem at least once in
JO-year bout with mental illness. The
their lifetime.
third in the series will show how proMental health professionals fessionals deal with the mentally ill.
report that the public views the And the final article will explore the
mentally ill as "worthless, dir- future of mental illness.

Public misconceptions mean obstacles
we do have a personal stigma
against the mentally ill, we
should consider changing our
thinking," says LCC student
Carol Lee Fletcher, who has
been stigmatized for her experiences as a past mentally ill
patient. She is attempting to
re-educate the public.
But misconceptions that
have evolved with the first
recognition of abberated
behavior centuries ago are not
easy to eradicate today.

again as a human being, but I
have much more knowledge of
myself. Heavens, all of these
emotions and problems and
traumas that I've had have all
surfaced. . .and I've had to
face up to it.''

• Myth: Mental illness is incurable.

But even so, many people
will not accept her improved
mental health. "They always
think once you're mentally
sick that you're that way for
life and they treat me as such -insane. You know, it makes
me angry. I don't like being
treated like a sick person."

"They' re just really ·tipping
the iceberg with it now in learning how to treat it and it can
be treated and you can get
well. Nothing is impossible,''
says Hoopla about her own
progress.
Ragsdale substantiates that
this is a prominent myth, one
which she dispels quickly by
citing statistics in the aftercare program at the LCM HD.
Ninety-two percent of the
clients in 1979-80 were maintained in the community with
no
further
need
for
hospitalization.
She adds that many patients
reach a higher level of f unctioning than prior to their illness.
Hoopla's improvement
verifies Ragsdale's statement.
"I'm able to cope much easier
than ever before,'' says
Hoopla with an air of confidence she had never possessed prior to her illness. "I've
not only learned to function

• Myth: Mentally ill people
are dangerous.
"People were quite afraid
of me. There's a couple that
still look at me like, 'Wow,
what's going to happen next to
this person?' As if I have a
contagious disease or
something,'' Fletcher says.
Ragsdale asserts that some
of the mentally ill tend to run
afoul of the law, but the
crimes committed are rarely
violent to persons except
themselves.
Dean DeHeer, senior mental
health specialist at Lane County Adult Corrections, concurs
with Ragsdale that a small
proportion of the mentally ill
are dangerous. In his experience with the severely
mentally ill, charges made are
more frequently misdemeanors, including some
assaults, but not felonies.
"They're either in a
restaurant causing a disturbance, they're sleeping where

The TORCH April 1, 1982 - lt;,J///iJi!!61, 1982 Page 9

ENTERT AINMEN T
Richard Pryor afire in concert flick
by Jeff Keating
of the TORCH

Richard Pryor live on the
Sunset Strip
Written by Richard Pryor
Directed by Joe Layton
The comedic impresario
leans out from the stage
toward the standing room only
audience at the Hollywood
Palladium, cupping a
microphone in his hand and
moving it closer to his mouth.
His flame-red suit is like a
warning beacon of things past,
present and future: red-hot
comedy missives and muted
morals, coupled with a
parading ego diluted by a
significant splash of humility.
"I hope no one is offended," he says, and promptly
slides into an ongoing patter
of sexual history, from first
discovery of masturbation to
the cliched, macho stupidities
of marriage.

******* The

Richard Pryor, is on fire
again.
But unlike the cocaine freebasing mishap that nearly ended his life in 1980, Pryor's
flame is a controlled blaze that
melds his heart and head into a
film package entitled Richard
Pryor live on the Sunset
Strip.
As in Richard Pryor Live In
Concert, his first performance
film, America's foremost
comedian makes light of
human beings in general, from
attacks on a former Mafia
employer -- "hey, you wanna
go for a ride?" -- to a casual
conversation with a mass
murderer in the Arizona State
Penitentiary: "Why did you
kill everyone in the house?'' he
asks. "They was home,"
comes the reply.
Noting with interest that 80
percent of the prisoners in the
Arizona state pen are black, he
expresses bewilderment: '' I
can't understand it. There are

no black people in Arizona.
They have to fly them in."
Not even animals are
spared, as Pryor relates a
mythical conversation between
two cheetahs while on a recent
African excursion. "Well,"
muses one world-wise beast,
"tourist season's coming up
pretty soon. I got me an arm
last year."
Pryor is a brilliant actor,
but his screen roles (Lady
Sings the Blues, Silver Streak,
Stir Crazy, Bustin' loose)
belie his true performance
capabilities. His special form
of communication and streetwise talk turn otherwise
obscene words and gestures into a friendly kind of vernacular, his expressions evoking more response than mere
words.
The production also
deserves credit: Although the

Palladium is filled with
thousands
of
people,
cinematographer Haskell
Wexler and director Joe
Layton manage to create a
warm circle around Pryor, as
if in a conversation with a few
close friends instead of a
throng of admiring fans.
If the film has a climax, it is
Pryor's blisteringly funny account of his cocaine accident
and the physical and emotional pain he endured
throughout the ordeal. His
dialogue with his pipe is better
-than any two-man show; never
has an invisible object been
given better dialogue: "Come
here, Rich. I understand you.
Nobody else does."
But the strongest message is
one of change. From a gentle
revelation about drugs to an
equally low-key attack on
racism in America and the

world, he preaches common
sense and fairness without admonishment,
turning
"nigger" into a term that is
less an abusive form of
language than a violation of
good manners. '' A wwwww,
shit," he says. "That
('nigger') throws your balance
all off."
Somehow, Richard Pryor
has managed a comeback of
inestimable magnitude and impressiveness. How he did it is
difficult to fathom. That he
did it is a credit to willpower
and a joy to millions of
comedy-loving fans.
Richard Pryor is on fire
again. And Live on the Sunset
Strip can only fan the flames
of one of America's strongest
comic artists.
Richard Pryor Live on the
Sunset Strip is playing at the
Valley River Twin Theatres.

Oscars *******

Best Picture: Chariots of Fire
Best Actor: Henry Fonda, On

Golden Pond
Best Actress: Katharine Hepburn, On Golden Pond
Best Supporting Actor: John
Gielgud, Arthur
Best Supporting Actress:
Maureen Stapleton, Reds
Best Director: Warren Beatty,
Reds
Best Original Screenplay: Colin Welland, Chariots of Fire
Best Screenplay from Another
Medium: Ernest Thompson,
On Golden Pond
Best Song: Arthur's Theme
(Best That You Can De)
Best Score: Vangelis, Chariots
of Fire
Best Cinematography: Reds
Best Editing: Raiders of the
Lost Ark
Best Art Direction: Raiders of
the Lost Ark
Best Costume Design:
Chariots of Fire
Best Sound: Raiders of the
Lost Ark

Best Visual Effects: Raiders of

the Lost Ark

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Page 10 April 1, 1982 -

Attf/ll!llf=l,

1982 The TORCH

- Music Notes
by Marty Schwarzbauer
of the TORCH

woman band, the Neo Boys,
from Portland, and Anomie,
from Eugene, with three
women and two men. KZEL
tried to conduct a beauty contest during one of the breaks,
but each contestant was loudly
booed by the audience, and a
chant of "sexist bullshit"
drowned out much of the comp et 1t 10 n. Does anyone
remember when KZEL was in
touch with their audience?

• BJ Kelly's has been getting
into some excellent showcase
music lately. Featured in recent weeks have been two IRS
Records
bands,
the
Fleshtones, from Queens, New
York, and the Suburban
Lawns, from LA. Also appearing have been Seattle biggies the Cowboys and the
Heats; blues great John Lee
Hooker; Oregon stars Johnny
and the Distractions, Gregg
Tripp and Robert Cray; and a
national touring act, Aldo
Nova. Almost all shows sold
out and were very well received.
• This year's St. Patrick's
Day bash at BJ's has to have
been one of the highlights. The
Contractions, a five-woman
band from San Francisco,
headlined the show with a
tight, hard-rocking set of
almost all original music. Also
appearing were another all-

• QuarterFlash, whose first
single, '' Harden My Heart,''
peaked at number three on
Billboard recently, is now approaching the Top 20 with
their second single, another
Marv Ross song, ''Find
Another Fool." As Diane
Hollen said in Two Louies this
month, "Rock and roll has
never been easy ... except for
Marv and Rindy." (Two
Louies, March-April, 1982.)
Kathy Peck Contractions singer/bassist
'

Photo by Marty Schwarzbauer

• According to engineer Don
Ross, "It may not be the
tightest stuff we've ever
recorded, but I'm sure it's a
record for the number of
songs cut in the shortest
time." Attack and the Fun
went into Triad Studios last
week and recorded 19 songs in
just over three hours. It must
have been rough on them,
because they' re reportedly
planning a break from performing until "maybe this summer'' says manager Kris
Knight. Meanwhile, Attack
plans to release 16 of the songs
on a "cassette album" in the
near future. Knight says that
all 16 songs were written by
the brothers McClay, Bret and
Mark.

HOWTOBUY
TEXTBOOKS
ANDSAVE
MONEY •
COME TO THE SMITH FAMILY
BOOKSTORE. FIRST.

Chances are you will find most of your books at
half price.

..

It might take some time to find your books, but
we will be glad to help you look, and the savings
are worth the wait.

• Concert Schedule:
Thurs., April 1: Servant and
Petra at the Lane County
Fairgrounds Performance
Hall.
Thurs., April 1: Robert Cray
at BJ Kelly's.
Wed., April 7: J. Geils Band
at the Portland Coliseum.
Wed., April 7: Dan Seigel and
Don Latarski at the Emerald
Valley Forest Inn.
Fri., April 9: XTC at the EMU
Ballroom at UO.
Wed. and Thurs., April 14 and
15: Angel City at the Portland
Paramount.
Fri., April 16: Angel City at
the Lane County Fairgrounds
Exhibit Hall.
Wed., April 2/: Girl's School
at the Portland Paramount.
Thurs., April 22: Black Sabbath and The Outlaws at the
Portland Coliseum.
Mon., April 26: Tina Turner
and Shock at the Emerald
Valley Forest Inn.

~·

AFF~11'_

RETURN BOOKS YOU DO NOT
NEED.
If you buy the wrong books or drop a class, you
can return the books for a full refund.

F~E FOO()

SELL .YOUR OLD
. TEXTBOOKS.

FR§E ChAmpAGNE

After you buy your textbooks, bring in your old
books and the Smith Family Bookstore wlll buy
them for a very fair price.

768 East 13th-Upstairs in the Smith
Bulldlng, Next to the Excelsior. Eugene,
Oregon 97401 345-1651.

• The Boswortti Bros. Band
and the Others appeared at a
benefit for Jerry Rust's gubernatorial (I've always wanted to
use that word in a story, but
there aren't too many opportunities in rock journalism)
campaign. Among other
bands that have donated their services to Rust have been
Mithrandir and the Neo Boys.
There may be more such
events in the works.

A
ChAmpACN€

BRING THE TITLE AND
AUTHOR'S NAME.

SMITH-FAMILY
bookstore

• It's been confirmed that
bassist Fred Kellogg is leaving
Los Xplorers soon. There have
been mixed reports on a
replacement. Kellogg is moving back to New York, his
native state.

J:~E CA~NAtlONS

-WhE~:

I

VALLE"' ~VE(:\ INN -

'WI CL~m€t(E

I
...

R.oom

\v'hEH = SAtU~()A-Y, APf\!L 3,1qe,2..
Abm15s10,f

$ J ,00/PERSON
$c:;,oo;coupLE

p:$~ Nt~'b ~'(

A ~~~CE
0

Pm_ - 2 Am.

O

1

h

~t'Ch-1

Town
-Around
•
movies
•

Valley River Twin -- 1077 Valley River
Drive. Evil Under the Sun, 6:30 and
8:30 p.m.
West 11th Walk-In -- West I Ith and
Seneca. Richard Pryor on Sunset
Strip, 6:30 and 8 p.m. Missing, 7 and
9: 15 p.m. One Night Stand, 8:45 p.m.
Forbidden Dreams, 7 p.m.

Eugene and his work has been selected
to be a part of the 1982 Playwright's
Studio
For more information and reservations, call the ORT box office, Monday and Tuesday, noon - 5 p.m. and
Wednesday - Sunday, noon - 8 p.m. at
485-1946.

.
IDUSIC

1010 Willamette.
Deathtrap, 7:15 and 9:30 p.m.
Mayflower -- 788 E. 11th. House of
Wax, 7:30 and 9:15 p.m.

National -- 969 Willamette. Personal
Best, 7: 15 and 9:30 p.m.

theatre

Oregon Repertory Theatre -- 222 E.
Broadway, 485-1946, The Grieved A re
Many I Am Told by Alan Boye (an
LCC instuctor), will be performed on
April 5 and 6 at 8 p.m. Admission will
be free. Mr. Boye is a resident of

University of Oregon -- On April I,
The music faculty members will perform in the Aprilfe Foo/e's Concert.
There will be two shows at 7 p.m. and
9 p.m. in Beall Concert Hall. Tickets
will be available at the door and will
be $3 for general public and $1.50 for
students and senior citizens.
On April 2, The University of
Oregon Singers will perform at 8 p.m.
in Beall Concert Hall.
On April 3, Pianist Leon Fleisher
will give master recital at 2 p.m . in
Room 186. Tickets at the door will be
$5 for the general public and $3 for

- Classifieds
for rent

Four bedroom house, t..-o baths, family room, t..-o
car garage. $390. 726-1770.
One bedroom apartment. Dish..-asher, carpeting,
close to campus and bus. S/90. Ca/1687-1044.
Female roommare needed for lovely, spacious
home near Hendriks Park / l ' of O area. SJ50onth.
A 1•ai/able April I. 343-9470 or 341-Hl-.'J. P. Ask for
l\fary.
female roommate needed immediately. ,Vonsmoker for l bdr. apartment. Close to l, of O campus. S /15. Call 484-4186.
Nice 3 bedroom house. U-est Amazon, busline.
Yard, cable, furnished. $195. Deposit SlO0.
484-4041 after 4 p.m.
Room ..-anted to rent for under S/00. Fat meat.
smoke, cat. Call Mar/is ar 344-9508.
Two roommates wanted. S/00 per month. 19th and
Willamette (house). Smokers O.K. Mar/is.
344-9508.

•
services
Planned Parenthood offers professional medical
care: PAP smears, birth control pills, diaphragms,
I.U.D's, condoms, foams. 344-9411.
Good ole' Ford pickup for hire. Reasonable rates
for hauling, mo,·ing and delivery. Call Gary at
345-7275.
Sa,·e money! I 'II sew and repair your old spring and
summer clothes. Excellent work, low prices. Call
Juli at 686-9981.

for sale

Audiovox model COSC-5A Coaxial flush mount
door speakers, S/4. Call Cliff at 747-9436.
Top quality oak and maple board feet. Low prices.
341-7335.
- - - - - - - - - - - --- - t:xce/lent speaker cabinet with four large speakers,
515; working lamps, 55; excellent paintings, $30.
485-6505.
ESS speakers PS-5A. Excellent condition and
under warranty. S/50 each or offer. Call Todd at
344-1090.
Regisrered 5 year Arabian mare. $600. All tack for
horse, $200. Ca/1689-0575.
79 Kawasaki 125 Enduro. less than 1400 miles. 60

ROBERTSON'S DRUG
Your pn.',cription i"
our main concern.

B

343-7715
30th & Hilyard

The Lone Star -- 160 S. Park,
484-7458, Whiskey Ridge will perform
Monday through Saturday at 9: 15
p.m.

On April 4, Alice Burke flute and
Nancy Foss clarinet will perform at 8
p.m. in Gerlinger Hall Alumni
Lounge.
On April 8, A Musical Smorgasbord
concert will be performed at 12:30 in
Room 198. Also on Thursday, percussionists Charles Dowd will present a
Faculty Artist Series concert at 8 p.m.
in Beall Concert Hall. Admission will
be $2 at the door. Students and senior
citizens with identification, and
children under 12 will be admitted
free.
University of Oregon School of Music
-- Beall Concert Hall, On April 5, 6,
and 7 at 8 p.m., The Eugene Symphony Orchestra will perform with
pianist Leon Fleisher. Tickets will be
$10.75, $8.75 and $6.50 (discounts for
students and seniors). Some tickets are
available due to returns by season
ticket holders. For more information
call 687-0020.

Springfield Quad -- Springfield Mall.
On Any Sunday fl, 6:15, 8 and 9:40
p.m. A Stranger is Watching and He
Knows Your Home, 6 p.m. Robin
Hood 5:45, 7:50 and 9:50 p.m.
Porky's, 5:30, 7:30 and 9:30 p.m.

Bijou -- 492 E. 13th. My Dinner With
Andre', 7 and 9:30 p.m.

students and senior citizens. For more
information call the Eugene Symphony Box Office att 686-0026.

dance

.

McDonald

Cinema World -- Valley River Center.
Chariots of Fire, 6:30 and 9:30 p.m.
On Golden Pond, 5:45, 7:45 and 9:45
p.m. Quest For Fire, 6, 8 and 10 p.m.
Robin Hood, 6:15, 8:20 and 10:15
p.m.

The TORCH April 1,

mpg, excellent condition. $615 or best offer. Call
Ste,·e at 686-1741 aftu 6 p.m.
650 }'amaha special. Vette Windjammer, saddlebags, excellent piece. Trade for mimi pickup or
best offer. 747-8851.
Top-o '-the-bug luggage rack. for Vee Dub bug.
SlO. Call 485-5835.
Armsrrung student flute, excellent condition, S/15
cheap. Call Unda at 485-5835.
76 JJMW R 90.

34K, bags. Call 741-1721.

Racing bicycle. :Ve..- paint and parts. 6/ cm. Al·king
5950 or trades. Call 741-1721.

259 E. 5tth
Jo Federigos's
Ave. ,343-8488, Mario Bresanutls and
Kevin Dietz will perform on April I.
Carl Woideck and Mau Cooper will
perform on April 2 and 3. Dick Blake
Trio will hold a jam session on April 4
and 5. Valinda Aletha and Jeff Kirsh
will perform April 6 - 8. All performances start at 8:30 p.m.

EMU
University of Oregon
Ballroom, Dance with Joint Forces
will be presented by Oslund & Co., on
April 8 in the EMU Ballroom at 8
p.m. Tickets for the Concert are $2.50
for U of O students and $3.50 for
general public and are available at the
EMU Main Desk.

galleries

I.and Rm•er for parJs. Call 741-1711.

T..-in baby stroller. Call Trisha at 485-3707.
l\fotorcycle parts, OK W or Sachs. 741-1721.
Mandolin under S/50. Call .144-4004.

messages

University of Oregon -- JOO Treasures
Celebrating 100 Years will start showing April 4. This is a major exhibit of
rare, beautiful or important items in
the library's collections. Also 25 drawings and paintings by Run Kowalke

the equipment. Interested? -- KR.
Barbara-· Can I take that to mean that I too can be
a theif? •• Jeff.
AB-· We lore you! -- Ill and IV.
Jeff -- Jlo..-·s your K'elding class? Never
anymore.

iiet

you

Rod •• Did yu11 have a guod time on your
honeJ-mood? P ..\. Well huw was the snow? -- Pl-'.
Sue -· ~1,e were "excited members" of rhe team.
Reaf/J• had a ball! -· l\futt and Jeff.

Or. Schtupman -- Careful or rnmeone will take
your temperature!! -- Or. Tushbaum.

J-:ddy -· Oooh you 're such a kissy face tuo! •·
Adele.

5-string banjo with padded case, picks and books.
$75. Call Brian at 343-6659 or 484-4589 (message).

FRH -· I'm sorry but you must see that your fantasy will ne>'t!r be. -- Shawni.

Rike carrier for mounting on car. S/0. 341-1106.

Jejf -· Stolen kisses are sometimes best but opportunity only knocks a fe..- times. -- Barbara.

Triple T -- If I can Jade the blues, grey skies K'i/1 be
a snap! What't 1he reward?-· Your ,•erJ' reddest
friend.

Exercise bike, has less than 150 miles, good condition. S40. Ca/1683-689/ after 6 p.m.
Camp 7 down sleeping bag, like new. 0 to -5, blue
rectangle shape. SlOO or best offer. Call Tracy at
687-0193.

autos

68 Oldsmobile 98. Tune up and engine. New battery and tires. $300/offer. Call 345-1531 after 5
p.m.
75 Toyota Celica. 48,000 miles. 5 spd. Fxcel/ent
condition. Trade for mini pickup or best offer. Call
747-885/.
67 Chevy II. 15 oci '6 ·,AT, l door, HT. Very good
mpg. Sharp looking. Asking S/150. Call 746-8899.

RO•· Please don't leave me for George! -- TR.
Matt -· I sure mi;5ed you! •· Me.
Jinx -- If more than one. I have a friend, (MH),
that also likes horses. -- KB.
Steve -- That ..-as one good looking lady you had
las Sat night. -- PF.
Jinx -- Who's we.•· KB.
TTT -- A thank you from long ago. It was terrific
sharing the nightcap. -- Sam and Charli.
Mr. T -- Did you lose something? I found
something. -- TR.
Body builders beware: JR is on the war path!
Carla -- Ho..-·s it going sis! -- Robin and John.
Jinx•· Horses are Jun, but 4-wheeling is too, I got

COPY 60 MINUTE TAPES
IN TWO MINUTES
Get your $1.00 off coupons on instant
cassette copies at the
BOOKSTORE

For customers first copies only, additional
copies are regular price.

If You haven't seen the REZOUND
COPIER we have a 90 second tape
explaining all about it.
Coupons expire December 1, 1982

NOTICE

All items for Around Town must be
delivered to the TORCH office by Friday at five. Nothing will be accepted
after deadline.

Tell them you saw it in the TORCH

Punk -- I didn't mean it, I am sorry you don't Jo,•e
me anymore.

------

Lane Community College -- 4000 E.
30th, Lane County ceramic artist
Chris Gum will show his work through
the month of April. Gum's show at
the LCC Art Gallery is free. It is
scheduled from April 2 - 21. Gallery
hours are 8 a.m. to 10 p.m., Monday
through Thursday, 8 a.m. - 5 p.m. on
Friday. The gallery is located in the
Math & Arts Building on the c_ampus.

Support TORCH Advertisers

Sha..-ni -· Toni called me last night and said we are
finished!! Please adl'ise! -- FRH.

Old gro..-th fir. Trees do..-n. U-cut/ haul, Sl5 a
cord. Call Ste,·e in electronics at x-1459 or home at
937-1959.

Also in the Museum of Art at the
Photography at Oregon Gallery Olivia
Parker will display black-and-white
and color still life photographs. The
museum is open from noon to 5 p.m.
daily except Mondays and holidays.
Free guided tours are given Sundays
beginning at 2 p.m. in the main foyer.
For more information call 686-3027.

39 E.
Project Space Gallery
I0th,345-2101, James Ulrich and
Byard Pidgeon will be featured April 3
- 17. Gallery hours are Tuesday
through Saturday, 12 noon to 5 p.m.

International -- 3350 Gateway Street,
Jonah's Whale featuring top 40's
Rock and Roll, will perform through
April 10. The band starts at 9 p.m.
Monday through Saturday.

wanted

will be featured in a main floor
gallery.

Mike Ragmstel? -· l.o,•e to meet ya! (blonde, cindie), check room 410, Tues/ Thurs. at 11:30 a.m.
Still waiting Corey -- KP.
Happy birthday Bill. I love yuu. -- K l .ynn.
TTT -· If Tennessee is as warm as you, I just might
move! -- Tracy.
Welcome back TORCH/1:'S!!

I)
I)
I)
I)
I)
i)
I)
I)
I)
I)
I)
I)
I)
I)
I)
I)
I)
I)
I)
I)

S/0 re..-ard for jade bracelet /os/ 3-8-81. Contact
J)ebra I/el/er after 5 p.m. at 716-1770.
Roger Gubrud and Mike Musingo •· Go to class
you stupid hoser! -- APW.
Spunky -· I missed you in history Wed. 3-3-81.
Hlanchfill -- 1/o,..·s the weights? /lope to see you
soon! -- TDB.
Jim C. -- Take of fl) the great white North, literally
you hoser! •· AB.
Tony -- Me Siento muy contenta re ser tu novia.
Con carino, la gatita.
Mike Ragmstel? -- To
(WDP-APA T). -- Cindie.

be sure

meet

TTT -- Am suffering from an emuriona/ deficiency.
Please write soon! -- KAIi.A.
VG. -- I lm·e you. -- BC.
All -· I.ate merrry X-Mass, I.ate happy valentines
day. On time ? llappJ' 1:·aster! -· l.u,•e w1:·.
To the Roberts family -· Thanks for the best R & R
I've had in a long time! -- Paula.
ti/ dl111ijied lllfrerti1i11g /5 word., or under lire
lree for I('( 1t11dent1 .
I ell1·e """'" llncl phone n11111ber llfllf plllce ,u/1 in
e111 ·elope 1Jllt1itfe /DH( II o/)tce by l·ridu_1· lit 5
p.m.

CLOTHING EXCHANGE
P.E. 301
HOURS: Tues. & Thurs.
10am-2pm
Sponsored by:

Womens' Center
Student Resource Center
Campus Ministry
Student Activities
Multi-cultural Center

-

we

-

CAMPUS MINISTRY
We're here for you

Page 12 April 1, 1982 - ~---, 1982 The TORCH

--Omniom • Gathero1 --n-------Women's program offered

Draft lawyer visits

"Who and What is Supermom?" is the title of
a panel discussion which will be held by the
Women's program at LCC on April 28 at noon
in the boardroom.
Five women who are mothers and grandmothers and also full-time employees at LCC
will explore how one juggles doing or not doing
everything.
For more information call 747-4501, ext. 2353.

Bill Smith, nationally recognized draft lawyer
and activist, will speak in Eugene April I at the
University of Oregon Law School.
Smith is national co-chairperson of the Committee Against Registration and the Draft
(CARD) and chairperson of the Selective Service
Law Panel of Los Angeles.
Smith will address legal defenses to non
registration for the draft and counseling under
the new Selective Service regulations.
Smith will speak at 7:30 p.m.

Entrace exam workshop
A workshop to help students prepare for college entrance examinations will be offered April
6 through 29 by the Learning Resource Center
at the University of Oregon.
The program is designed for students who are
preparing for the Preliminary Scholastic Aptit~de Test (PSAT). ,
and the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT). It will cover the basic sturcture of the test, test taking stratagies, pacing considerations and a math and grammar review.
The course session are scheduled Tuesday and
Thursday evenings from 7 to 8:30 p.m. A $40 fee
includes all course materials.
Preregistration is strongly recommended . Call
686-3226 for more information.

Backgammon tournament
An upcoming backgammon tournament will
give players a chance to put shirts on other
peoples' backs. The all day April 2 tournament is
a fundraiser for the clothing exchange Coalition
at LCC.
The coalition recently was formed by LCC
Campus Ministry, Student Activites, the Student
resource center, the LCC Employees Federation
and the Women' s Awareness Center.
The backgammon tournament has an entry fee
of $1 for students and $2 for all others. The proceeds will help such coalition costs as printing
tax receipts and paying a staftperson.
Preregistration for the tournament is required
by calling Campus Ministry at 747-4501, extension 28i4 or by stopping b 1 its of"ii..:c in Room
125 of the Center Building.

Women's health workshop
The Wellness Project is holding a workshop on
"The 'Drug System." The session will discuss
harmful drugs such as DES, Thalidomide and
Dalkon Shield and drugs which are helpful but
not available to us. The workshop will focus on
how the drug system functions, how drugs affect
women and how women can challenge and cope
with the drug system.
The workshop will be held April 13 from 7 to
9:30 p.m. at 358 West 10th. There is a suggested
donation of $1 to $3 which helps future education programs.
For more information call 345-2022.

Triathalon race set
The "Iron Duck," a race featuring a seven
mile bike ride, a three mile run and half-mile
canoe paddle, will be held April 10 at the University of Oregon.
Sponsored by the U of O Student Health
Center among others, the event will help raise
money for the annual U of O Health Fair on
April 13 at the Erb Memorial Union.
The triathalon relay race, which is for individuals and team~ will begin at 9 a.m. at the
Student Health Center, 13th and Agate, and will
finish at the Millrace north of campus along
Franklin Boulevard.
The entry fee is $3 per participant in advance
OT $5 on the day of tht llll!Cl. <:,, ;•. forrli', i..:ctr• iw
filled out at Feels in the Fifth Street Publi,.:

Market and at Sugar Pine Ridge, 877 E. 13th.
For futher information contact Dave Luke or
Cynthia Kane at 345-2041.

Career talks scheduled
The Career lnfomation Center announces upcoming career talks: John Stoecker, entrepreneur
and consultant, will discuss what it's like working for yourself on April I from 2:30 to 3:30
p.m.
Dave Roof, Counselor, will discuss Career Opportunities in physical education, April 8 from
2:30 to 3:30 p.m.
Both events will be held in Room 420 of the
Center building. For more information phone
747-4501, extension 2297.

African politics lecture
People for Southern African Freedom is pleased to announce the visit and lecture by Francese
Vendrell.
Vendrell, who is the Acting Chief of the
African Division, Department of Political Affairs, Trusteeship and Decolonization of the
United Nations, will speak on April 8 at 8 p.m. in
Room I JO of the Erb Memorial Union on the
University of Oregon campus.
The subject of Vendrell's lecture will be the
current conflict of independence between the
Republic of South Africa and Nambia.
For more information on the lecture call
688-6635 .

Stop smoking program
A partner-supported stop-smoking program
aimed at helping smokers stay off cigarettes
once they have quit will be offered again this spring at the University of Oregon.
Starting April 5, the Oregon Smoking Control
Program will offer session for smokers who have
a spouse or partner who agrees to a1tend 1he
group meetings and who wants to give personal
upport at horn.:.

The two hour sessions will be conducted one

evening each week for six weeks through May 14
at the U of O Psychology Clinic in Straub Hall
East 15th and Onyx. The cost of the treatment
program will be $15 per client. In addition,
clients will pay a $25 refundable deposit and
partners a $10 refundable deposit to help assure
their continued participation.
for more information about the program contact 686-4903.

Editor to speak
The centennial celebration of the University of
Oregon Library concludes this spring with three
public lectures including an address by the
former editor of American Heritage Magazine.
Alvin Josephy, now director and senior editor
of American Heritage Publishing Company, will
speak on Native Americans and white settlers in
the 19th century on April I 2 in the Gerligner Hall
Alumni Lounge. The free event begins at 7:30
p.m. followed by an informal reception.
Josephy is currently president of the National
Council of the Institute of the American West
He is also president of the National Council for
the Museum of the American Indian.

Benefit dance planned
Eugene Switchboard will hold a benefit dance
featuring the rhythm and blues of the Salt and
Pepper band and the blues band The Cyclones
The dance will be at WOW Hall (8th and Lincoln) on April I 0. Admission is on $3 to $5 on a
sliding scale. Doors will open at 8:30 p.m.
For futher information call 686-8453.

Asthma program begins
Three sessions of workshops for parents who
have asthmatic children will be held April 5,6
and 8 from 7 to 9 p.m.
The workshops will stress information and
methods of caring for the asthmatic child at
home. Regi~tration i5 limited to 40 people. Call
343-LUNG to register.

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Love

Community
Canal

4000 E. 30th Ave. Eujean, OR 97405

Vol. III, No. 1. April 1, 1982 - Pl

•

Weird, kinky cult
irks Tennisball
by Just Kidding
of the SCORCH
LCC wonder woman
Avalon Tennisball is mad.
After five years of keeping
mum under tremendous
pressure, the Student UnAmerican Activites employee
has revealed the existence of a
cult worshipping superadministrator and LCC president Feldon Rafer.
And after all of those years
of secrecy and deceit, Tennisball wants revenge. Badly.
"He better be prepared to
pay up," she says with a
malicious grin. "I can ruin his
career if he doesn't give me
what I want.''
Her demands are simple and
expensive. She wants half of
Rafer's salary, access to his
automobiles and house, and
petting rights on his two rare
and valuable Siberian
elkhounds.
Tennisball first discovered
the existence of the cult
through a student, but kept it
hush-hush until she was sure
that no one she knew would be
hurt if her plan backfired.
"I needed this job, and I
still want it," she says. "But
some things have to take
precedence, and the moral
fiber of this fine institution is
being deprkated by this kinky
cult."

Tennisball explains that the
cult mainly involves a lot of
paper shuffling, lunch-eating
and meeting attendance.
Students recognized as being
from LCC have been seen in
meetings ranging from the
Odd Fellows to the Junior
League to Bobby's Tree House
and Secret Spy Club meeting
recently held on 19th Street in
Eugene.
Another part of cult
membership involves planning
lavish spending budgets for
school departments and then
drastically cutting the makebelieve funds by at least 7 percent.
"It's essentially a whitecollar cult,'' explains Tennis ball. "Those poor kids are
all over, humming and muttering things like 'fiscal' and
overflow.'· It's
'cash
disgusting. Something has to
be done about it."
Tennisball has at least one
solution in mind to break cult
members out of their respective trances. It involves recorded inspirational speeches by
Ted Kennedy on socialized
medicine, essays by Jimmy
Carter on the joys of deficit
spending and the burning in
effigy of pictures of the Love
County Commission.
"It's a terrible thing to have
happening on this campus,"
states an indignant Tennisball.
"It's sick. Sick, sick, sick."

Photo by Penn y Honnc1le\,

LCC's "Grab Bag Talks" offer women -- and men -- a chance to discuss topical issues in a
supportive environment

SCORCH editor ousted by mJ/itant underlings
by Swanee Larrison
of the SCORCH

Militant assistant editors
overthrew the Love Community Canal SCORCH editor's
throne in a coup this morning
that left four staff members
injured and several shaking in
their boots.
Swanee Larrison • and Just
Kidding say Nor Yellek's prohibition of basketball competition in the SCORCH offices
led to their decision to wrest

the reigns of power from the
now-hospitalized SCORCH
editor.
All of the injuries resulted
when a mysterious disease,
believed to be a cross between
neuropathy and hepatitis,
swept through the SCORCH's
sprawling complex just as Larrison an9 Kidding prepared to
grind the ruling junta to a halt
with poorly written headlines
and crooked photo captions.

"Gee, it's really a shame
about that weird disease,''

• A SCORCH exclusive!
Ted Kennedy bares all in an
explosive interview and
photo session. See story,

page 13.

page 14.

X

Reaction to the coup varied.
Student government president Reuben Sandwhich, in
typical pointless fashion, said,
'' I understand the new editors
are in favor of subsidized
salad sales in the cafeteria. I
like that."

"Gosh," said Larrison,
"We just wanted a little more
relaxed atmosphere. The
pressure was really getting to
all of us. I think our move will
be popular among the rest of
the staff."

"While the situation looks
less than controlled,'' said
LCC President Feldon Ra fer,
"I like to remain optimistic.
Certainly, the ruthless actions
of the 'All-Stars' are a blight
on the school's record, but I

can't help but think that some
of our less ambitious students
might be motivated by their
callous act.''

The arrest of the hardened
coupsters brought tears to the
eyes of several SCORCH staff
members. Die-in Daze screeched, ''Whatever happened to
the constitution? The right to
keep and bear grudges against
editors is guaranteed in the
I 08th amendment. I, for one,
won't stand still for this
breach of justice.''

-z:rg~-~t-NIII r -22:EIIEI.IlJIJIIJZ:fJJnm3·

• Governor Rick Aloha
calls legislators to Salem to
balance yet another state
budget deficit. See story,
«<

said Kidding from his suite at
the Love County Jail, "It kinda draws attention away from
our plight. I mean, after all, if
you had to be an unAmerican, leftist, yellow journalist just to keep your job,
wouldn't you do something?''

•... ........ .... ... ......................

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• LCC's track team
scored a major athletic
coup last week by signing
Alberto Salazar. See

i/J?

• A proposed Senate
amendment ca II s f O r
retroactive abortions for
New Right members. See

• A special SCORCH
photo essay explores the
joys of nude winter sunbathing at LCC. See story,

S~?ry'

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page 16.

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Page 2 April 1, 1982 - 1 J)ril 1; 1903 The SCORCH

GRIEF FOR ALL
SCORCH slams student specialists
Editorial reply
by Swanee Larrison
of the SCORCH

In the March 4 issue of the
SCORCH a great injustice was done to
our readers.
I am speaking, of course, of the letter to the editor from A val on Tennis ball, Perry Psoriasis and Susan
Jerkinstead.
In their letter they alleged that the
SCORCH staff has been making an
"excellent contribution" to college
life, that the paper has been
"outstanding" this year, that "fine investigative reporting is being done,"
that the SCORCH staff are "delightful
as individuals and definitely informed
and proficient in their work" and that
the school is being "presented with

journalism of a high level."
Nothing could be further from the
truth.
Let's examine each of their points
for validity:

• The SCORCH is making an
"excellent contribution" to college
life.

Ha! A recent independent poll confirmed our suspicion that the only constructive uses identified for the
SCORCH are as bird cage liner and impromptu flyswatters.

• The SCORCH is "outstanding"
this year.

Pshaw! While it is true that the
SCORCH is outstanding in its field, its
field is yellow journalism.

• The SCORCH is doing "fine investigative reporting."
Are you kidding? The only m-

vestigative reporting the SCORCH
staff does is into the personal lives of
attractive young women and men on
the LCC campus. Most of this information is used, in typical SCORCH
fashion, as bargaining leverage in the
quest for torrid love affairs.

• SCORCH staff members are
"delightful as individuals and definitely informed and proficient in their
work."

Get outta here! Anyone who has
been accosted by a slick-talking
SCORCH staffer in the cafeteria can
testify to the fact that "delightful" is
the last word with which to describe
these hucksters.
As for being "informed," let's let
the facts speak for themselves. Recently, a current events quiz was administered to the SCORCH staff. Not

a single staff member scored higher
than six percent on a quiz featuring
such tough questions as "Who is the
president of the United States?" and
"What century is this?"
"Proficient?" This claim is so absurd I won't even address it.

• The school is "being presented with
a high level of journalism."

Surely, they can't be serious. If a
"level'' could be assigned to this
"journalism," it would be so low as to
invite ridicule from ants.
We apologize for the publication of
this letter.
In the future, such letters will be
screened for accuracy by members of
the Dave Sweeney School-O-Meter Fan
Club before we even consider them for
publication.

Editor emotes, easily emits epic eloquence
Editors' warning: We have
kept SCORCH editor Nor
Yellek totally away from the
keyboard. We have created
every story idea, wrote every
word credited to his name,
designed and pasted-up every
rotten page, just to give the
no-talent a break. But how
long can you carry a person?
Because of his nagging us to
allow him to really print
something, and because of our
desire to not hold back the
truth anymore, we decided to
let him write his first real
editorial.
Editorial
by Nor Yellek
of the SCORCH

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***********************************

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The SCORCH ?

The SCORCH is an irresponsibly
mismanaged n_ewspaper'. allegedly
published in conJunct1on w11h each new
moon, altho~gh_this policy is open to frequent mod1f1ca11011.
News stories, a rare commodity, ?re
generally ge_neral,_~ague epilhets covering
lack of wnt1~g ab1ilty. They may allempt,
upon occass1on, 10 present a lair and
balancedviewofsubjects.Thisisaregrettable error which should be overlooked.
News fea1ures, because of our chronic
stupidity, should be ignored.
"For Em's" are theore1ical essays contributed by SCpRCH readers and are
difec1ed _a1 anything _controversial or
unusual, including the social behaviors of
SCORCH staff members. They should be
as long as physically possible 1ha1 we may
edit the hell out of them.
"Letters to the Editor" are opinions
contributed by SCORCH readers. They
are located on the Editorial page, which
serves as a sounding board for every
bleeding heart liberal and tight-ass conservative who knows how to put pen to
paper.
"Ominous-Gathering" serves as an extension of your favorite bulletin board
and is about half as decorative. Activities
related to LCC will be given priority, but
don't count on anything important getting in.
All correspondence will be ignored_or
burned if at all possible, but danng
writers should submit their signed
missives at least six minutes before
deadline. Mail or carrier pigeon all such
tnpe to: The SCORCH, Room 205,
Center Buildmg, 4000 E. 30th Ave.,
Eugene, OR 97405. Phone 747-4501, ext.
2654.

EDITOR: Nor Yellek
ASSOCIATE EDITOR: Swanee Larri,on
FEATURES EDITOR: Ju,1 Kidding
INFORMATION EDITOR: Space Ca,e
PHOTO EDITOR: Pennv Bonne1less
STAFF REPORTERS: ·Bowery Davi,.
Cross Jankoom:e, Die-in Daze, Dusly
Roads, Schmany Schwa1zbn:hra1ba1ucr.
Mike "Mike" Slims
STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS: Anis~
Nadkins. Bee1le Bailev. Paul Corpuscle,
Hardhearl Andrews, Asil Senoj, Whitey
White
PRODUCTION MANAGER: Swimothy
Tillinger
1ST PRODUCTION ASSISTANT:
Swimothy Tillinger
2ND PRODUCTION ASSISTANT:
Swimothy Tillingcr
POST-PRODUCTION SUPERVISOR:
Swimo1hy Tillinger
MR. TILLINGER'S HAIR DESIGN:
Tillinger·s on the Mall
MR-. TILLINGER'S WARDROBI::
Fredericks of Hollywood
PRODUCTION ADVISOR: Leah Kharman Ghia
PRODUCTION: Space Case. Lean Dinner. Carina Jacuni. Asil Senoj. Jusl Kidding, Baba Litmus, Penny Bonne1les,.
Mike "Mike" Slims, Swanee Larrison,
Swim Tillinger, Whitey White
CARTOONIST: Walt Disney
MISINFORMATION ASSISTANT:
Veckley Mach II
ADVERTISING MANAGER: Yan
Broon
ADVERTISING ASSISTANT: Carina
Ja..:uzzi
COPYSETTER: Belinda Portapot
RECEPTIONIST: Reynolds Aluminum
DISTRIBUTION· Buck Olson

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-Meddlers----Hush halted
To the Editor:

I can be silent no longer.
The Lord God has sent me to
talk with you (see Eucalyptus
9:25-28) to guarantee that you
no longer stray from the path
of morality and into the clutches
of
journalistic
debauchery.
God said (see Sensimilia
2:3-14) that newspapers shall
be fonts of His teaching. To
this the SCORCH seems to
echo the Biblical thoughts of
Balboa (see Rocky 3:5-7) by
stating in the editorial policy
that it will refuse to edit for
libel. To this I say "nay, you
heathens!'' as did the Lord in
his address to the peoples of
Tazmania (see Beatles
19:62-70.)
We all must be wary of the
low wages of sin (see
Minimum 3:3-5) and guard
against its evils (see Atiyeh
19:78-82.) I feel that the
SCORCH has strayed from
the path of righteousness and
must repent for its sins (see
Grovel 8:5-8.)

I urge the SCORCH staff
members to remember that it
was the Lord God who
brought them into this world
and that I, as God's earthly
representative, will be compelled to take them out of it if
they do not repent and stop
publishing libelous letters opposing Christ (see Presumptious 6:4-14.)
Please take my advice
(Foolish 1:2-22) under consideration.
Joy be with you sinners,
Mork Vagnier (Weasel 1:1-2)

Paranoid pap
To the Editor:

When I read Space Case's
story on the guitar player in
the Center Building stairs
(SCORCH, 3-4), my only
response was one of uncontrollable laughter.
Can't
your
narrow,
bleeding-heart minds grasp the
fact that guitar players in
stairwells have preceded the
communist takeover of virtually every Marxist-Lenninist
country in the world?

Even as San Salvador reels
from the communist weapons
at its doorstep, guitar players
crowd the stairwells of this
and other Latin American
countries.

Case's word choice reveals
her communist sympathies.
She says "guitar music filters
through the stairwell." It's a
well known fact that TASS
and other Marxist-Lenninist
government news agencies
"filter" the news they report.
She implies that the guitar
player plays in the stairwell so
he doesn't "compete" with
others for "space." Not only
does she surreptitiously get her
name in the story with this
statement, she also covers up
the USSR's competitive
nature, especially in the realm
of space -- the final frontier.
John Drain, a leading
aerospace expert, recently said
that we can beat the Russians
in the race to Mars. I agree.
But how can we win this
crucial race when your paper
continues to rely on leftist, unAmerican reporting tactics?
Odd Bunion

The SCORCH April 1, 1982 - At,1 U 1, u g~ Page 3

Superpowers' slated supply
swap shatters Soviets
by Nor Yellek
of the SCORCH

President Ronald Reagan
and Soviet Premier Leonid
Brezhnev shocked the world
today with the most workable
peace plan ever developed between the two superpowers.
The summit- began with ice
shattering ceremonies.
After presenting Brezhnev
with a stuffed gorilla and a
token saucer from Nancy's
china set (she said the accompanying cup had been broken
when ex-president Ford was
over for dinner), Brezhnev
said he was thrilled because he
could see his reflection.
Brezhnev gave the president
a fleet of toy nuclear submarines as the first part of his
nation ' s disarmament program, saying, "Disarmament
begins in the toilet ,' ' meaning,
of course, the tub . Everyone
got a major chuckle out of his
blunder.
Then the summit turned to

resolution of the bitter yearsold conflicts in Afghanistan
and El Salvador.
Both superpowers expressed
disdain about the need to
maintain costly supply lines -the Soviets to El Salvador and
the US to Afghanistan.
For perhaps the first time
ever, the boys placed their
practical natures over their
convictions by developing a
mutual approach to intervening in the affairs of nations in
the throes of revolution.
"We know what we are in
this for (he didn't say what),"
said Brezhnev. Reagan
mumbled something about
Death Valley Days and
General Electric -- his old boss
during the boom boom days.
Taking that to be a yes·,
Brezhnev pushed on: "Let's
eliminate our supply lines
altogether. ''
'' How novel,'' Reagan mused . " Well , at least, I think it's
novel. Hey Willy, hey Al, hey
Cap, hey Da,vie. Whad' ya

think?"
'' Yeah -- novel ,'' they resounded cheerfully, each
stroking their stuffed gorillas.
The upchuck of the summit
is that from this day forward,
the Soviet Union will finance
both the puppet government
and the rebel '' freedom
fighters" in Afghanistan, and
the US will finance both the
puppet government and the
"freedom fighters" in El
Salvador.
News of this decision has
rocked the world (to sleep).
Major political leaders of
the Western powers said stuff
like, "Why didn't we think of
that when we had our empires?"
But there was some rumored
talk from Third World and
non-aligned countries about
altering the world balance of
power with incantations of •
''We got nothing to lose by
dropping our internal differe nces long enough to snuff
_those !?&!$% ! imperialists."

Budget brouhaha beckons
by Space Case
of the SCORCH

Love County is in trouble.
According to Scott Rust,
county commissioner, the
county has a 29-cent shortfall
in its 1990-91 operating
budget.
He claims a "potential
disaster" is in the offing if the
shortfall can't be erased.
"If we can't get that 29
cents, well, it will most likely

dismantle all of Love County's
free sanitation brochure
distribution facilities," says
Rust.
These brochures are imperative to the operation of
the county's public information service, which will suffer
drastic cutbacks in employee
bathroom time if the shortfall
is not made up.
Rust says the only solution
to the problem is "selling
county lands.'' A four-foot

block of dirt in Strangefield is
being slated as a prospective
selling item .
"If we can sell that land,"
Rust says, "it will save the
shirts on our backs and our
own backyard dirt plus the
citizens can have access to the
sanitation brochures."
A final decision on the
29-cent deficit will be made
"sometime in the future,
maybe," says Rust.

World's end documented
Editor's chance to say
something important: The
following scene description
was found in a kryptonite
cylinder buried in rubble on
the moon Io circling the planet
Jupiter. They may be the last
words of famed SCORCH
reporter
Nor
Yellek.
SCORCH reporter Die-in
Daze gave him all of his ideas
anyway. How the hell he got
on the plane we'll never know>
The black-metaled winged
cylinder sped swiftly from the
Camp David airstrip
destination, the stratosphere.
Moments later Maryland
joined the remaining states in
a fiery incandescence that one
aide likened to a lush lemon
meringue pie gently rocking .
Ronald Reagan was overjoyed as he peered through the
porthole at the holocaust
below.
. "Well, uh, gee. Sure is great
to be here. Will you look at

that?" he said.
Reagan scanned the plush
surroundings of the specially
designed ship. The living
quarters were replete with oval
beds, canopies, oval couches,
liquor bars, oval rugs, kitchen,
oval counters, bathroom, oval
toilets, video games and oval
mirrors.
All Reader's Digest volumes
and I'm a True Believer graced
the shelves of Ronnie's
library. An 18-hole golf course
gaped into the rear of the jet.
The aides were graciously
accounted for by Reagan's
usual good taste. They were
issued tents and arctic fur
coats and directed to a platform perched on the right
wing above the afterburners.
And to economize upon
take-off, the prez, while muttering something about A tlantic Monthly, jettisoned David
Stockman somewhere over the
Urals.
Al
Haig
and
Cap
Weinberger duke it out con-

tinually over who gets which
tent and how many coats each
will wear.
Right now the happy crew
stare obliquely into the lemon
pie below, so so so glad they
aren't in that radiation soup.
''Take a note, Georgie
(Bush)," Reagan coos, "to
thank Boiing Boiing for making this wonderful, yes, I'll say
it, •delightful aireoplane. It
sure flies nice. (He sings,) It
glides through the air like a
radiation free bird. .. Hah,
hah, hah. Oh yes, Georgie, the
free world is so full of
creative, enterprising fellows if
you just cut them some
slack ."
''The world was full of
them, sir, and I'm afraid Boiing Boiing is no longer around
to receive our thanks,'' says
Bush.
"Yes, of course, how silly
willy of me," he chides. His
voice trails off in song, I'm so
happy, I'm so happy. I'm so
popular, I'm so popular -- and
alive."

Wired
Coinpiled by Just Kidding
and Swanee Larrison
of the SCORCH
from BS Wire Senice Reports

Royal couple expecting

LONDON -- Prince Charles and Princess Diana of
Wales are expecting their first baby kangaroo within the
next few weeks, a Buckingham Palace spokesman said
in a news conference today.
The royal pair, who were wed last July, recently
returned from a nine-day tour of Australia and New
Zealand, where Diana "fell in love with the native atmosphere and the animals," said the spokesman.
The couple came back to London with a pregnant
marsupial in tow, and are excited about the prospects of
"finally raising a family," the spokesman added.
Trudeau turns over government

MONTREAL -- Canadian Prime Minister Pierre
Trudeau has declared that control of the Canadian
government has been turned over to Canadian beer
makers.
In a 20-minute press conference last week, the 51-year
old head of state said, "I'm tired of the whole mess. I
can't get the money right, and I can't even speak
French. Besides, they (the beer makers) have the best
commercials.''
A decision on the prime minister's action is pending
in Parliament.
Haig issues military edict
WASHINGTON, D .·c.
"Implementation of
prioritization contingencies, standardization of firststrike capable strategic weapon systems, world-wide ter. rorism centralization elimination ... You know, all that
good stuff," said Secretary of War Alexander Haig
from his office here this morning.
Judge upholds sex ruling

NASHVILLE -- A circuit court judge Feb . 31 upheld a
1982 court ruling that prohibits mutant violinists and
immigrant trombone players from having sexual contact
with one another.
Judge Cleavon Cartwright, in a 3936-word statement
issued to the media from his palatial Nashville estate
cited "unusually long fingers, pouting lips and constant
humming" as characteristics of offspring produced by
"the unfortuitous coupling of these treble/bassoriented performers.''
He supported the ruling by a Minneapolis judge in
early January that prohibited musicians from crossbreeding.

Suddenly, he stopped singing when he discovered his little pet, Nancy, crying. She
pulled and tugged at rack after
rack of the latest fashion
designs. She stacked case after
case of china, and pushed the
buttons of her nuclear
powered appliances. She
wound into knots the world's
finest laced jewelry. And still
she cried.
"Why, my pet?" He
smothered her wrinkled brow
with kisses and nibbled her
soft but pointed chin.
''You know how I am about
having to be dressed royally
for all occassions," she said
while running her fingers
through his Black Dye No. 5
hair.

"Yes, my hunky gorilla. My
little banana," he soothed.
"Well, I got every possible
attire for every possible occassion here on this jet.'' she said.
"Our servants worked for
hours to deck fully one-half of
the jet with my wardrobe in
preparation for this moment.
But I forgot my most important arrav -- the one for this
occasion ."
"And what is that occassion, my regalty?" he asked.
She spoke as they gazed into
the ocean of planetary
fragments silouhetted by marshmallow skies.
"Why, this one, tushie. I
wanted to be dressed in my
finest as we presided over the
death of humankind.''

Page 4 April 1, 1982 - lzr,Fif 1, t

The SCOR CH

Porton bolsters county defenses
by Nor Yellek
of the SCORCH

With difficulty the 11 story
high crane lowered the huge
crate at the doorstep of LCC's
crime lab.
Shocked students and
maintenance workers watched
as dark-clothed shadows
wheeled the crate away on little tiny chrome wheels that
glinted in the dimly lit
hallway.
I quickly grabbed my all
purpose felt hat with press
card turned around to hide my
intentions and followed the
dank pilgrimage into the

bowels of that great building.
They didn't get far from
view and the dull cadence of
those little tiny chrome wheels
kept me dead on track.
Suddenly, I turned sharply
around a corner and smashed
into the crate. The room I had
entered was well lit and the
dark clothes of the crate
pallbearers had been exchanged for white frocks.
And behind a formica desk
sat Hat -- Hat Porton, the
most quotable BA in the bizz.
My pen sang in my hands. The
words SCORCHED across my
pad. Hot stuff, this.
Porton glared in my direc-

tion. It was at this point I was
glad my press card was turned
around. I grabbed a white
frock and a crow bar and
crammed its black point into a
crack in the lower right hand
corner (that's opposite the upper left hand corner if you're
facing straight at it, or the
lower right hand corner if
you're hanging upside down.)
In unison the frocked crew
whipped the crow bars down
and diagonally. The top of the
crate flew capriciously on top
of viles of noxious contents used to discover the evil-doings
of
future
nefarious

miscreants.
And there they glistened
opaque and out of context -you know what I mean.
The massive crate was crammed full of Inter Continental
Ballistic Missiles. While each
of the dozen frocked crow bar
wielders armed themselves
with an ICBM, I grabbed a letter attached to the crate.
It read:

Dear Hat:
We hope that by sending the
ICBMs to your Love Community Canal crime class, the

hassle you encountered regard tn g the shipment of
highpowered rifles to your BA
office downtown would not be
repeated.
We respect your decision to
fight - crime with the most
sophisticated weaponry.
Enclosed is a xeroxed comprehensive instruction sheet.
Good luck fighting the battle
of Jericho.
I slipped out of the frock,
out of the room, out of the
building, reeling with the
sound of little tiny chrome
wheels churning, churning.

Generic headline for generic story, typed in 24 point futura
by A. Reporter
for a publication

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Motherson gets coverage
by Just Kidding
of the SCORCH

"It's been like.
.a
nightmare," recalls former
ASSLCC president Davy
Motherson of the last twelve
months. "I wake up sweating
and delirious every night."
Matherson was the victim of
a brutal assault on the LCC
campus almost exactly one
year ago. While returning
from an ASSLCC meeting
that he described at the time as
an "orgasmic experience," he
was accosted by ''person or
persons unknown" and wrestled to the ground.
The months since his assault
have been "like a seemingly
endless tunnel with nothing
but fountains and sculpture at
the end," he says, describing
the area on campus where the
assault took place.
But no one seems to care
about Davy's mental and emotional anguish other than his
dear sweet tnother and the
local dairy, which has slapped
Matherson with a $4000 bill
for "payments due," says Milt
Toste, dairy manager.
Motherson has always had a
milk fetish, adds Toste: "He's
been coming in here for years,
laden with hot dogs, apple
pies and driving a Chevrolet.
Sometimes he brings his mom .
. . anyway, he's been drinking
gallons of the stuff in the last
year and hasn't paid for any of
it. We're tired of being abused ."
Motherson refutes the
manager's claims with a plea
of mental anguish. "Listen,

those guys do a bang-up
business. They don't need my
money that much."
Matherson has been
mistreated by the press as well.
Or, rather, untreated. He
displays issue after issue of
this year's SCORCH and
wonders wistfully "where did
all the glory go?"
He also complains that his
once powerful slot as
ASSLCC president has given
way to a treasurer's spot that
is ignored by the masses and
the media.
And what does Davy do to
relieve his mental torment? He
writes letters and joins
organizations. A recent
missive from President

...

\

SOON!

NUKLERY DRUGSTORE
HAS:
Gas Masks

Morphine
Cyanide

ect.
·You name it, we got it

OPEN

All Day Every Day
(until D day)

Writer's opm10n writer's
opinion writer's oprn10n
writ~r's opinion writer's opinion writer's opinion punctuation
Padding padding padding
padding padding padding padding padding padding padding
padding padding padding pad-

by Swanee Larrison
of the SCORCH

~· ........................................................ .
The world could end

Subhead

ding padding punctuation
Subhead

Possible solution possible
solution possible solution
possible solution possible solution possible solution possible
solution possible solution
possible solution punctuation
Flake flake flake flake flake
flake flake flake flake flake
-flake flake flake flake flake
flake flake flake flake flake
flake flake punctuation

Children stoned

Raygun and a scholarship
from the Junior Jaycees have
turned his bleak existence into
a suddenly shining landscape.
But Matherson still laments
his lost year.
"It's been hell," says LCC's
nicest guy. "If it wasn't for
my mother and all of my
friends who paid my hospital
bills . . . well, I don't know
where I'd be."
Motherson's hospital tally,
which ran somewhere in the
neighborhood of $11,000,
mysteriously coincides with a
1980-81 LCC budget deficit of
almost $11,000.
"What can I say?" asks
1981-8_2 ASSLCC president
Reuben Sandwich. "We kept
him in as long as we could.''

HAVE YOU HEARD ...

paragraph another transitional
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•

Supervisors in LCC's Child
Development Center failed to
evacuate their charges quickly
enough when mysterious
fumes were vented into the
CDC last week.
The result?
stoned
Forty-seven
youngsters.
Students in a human sexuality class were studying
claims that marijuana acts as
an aphrodisiac when fumes
created by their experime·nt
poured into the building's ventilation system.
Children in the CDC were
quickly overcome and the
center's potato and corn chip
supply soon vanished. Several

pizza deliveries and an
emergency shipment from the
LCC cafeteria kept the
children from following up on
their threats to "eat anything
that doesn't move."
Surpisingly few complaints
resulted from the fumes donnybrook, perhaps because
most parents arrived before
Lane County sheriffs had installed exhaust fans.
LCC administrators said
tests performed by the State
Accident and Fumes Evaluation board indicated that no
permanent damage would
result from the children's exposure.
Interviews
with
the
youngsters, who now average
seven feet in height and sport
several new limbs, confirm the
administration's claims.

b

11f

Moon Cyelers
"Bikes with a cosmic fit"

For this ARIES month
fJl
30/4 offal/
®
Red Colored Bikes
We do astrological bicycle readings

=== )::::{

77 N. Fiendy st. (

666 End st. 746-3666

?

)

v ·

Campus p_aper attempts to clear president's fine name, bolster budget

The SCORCH April I, 1982 - Aptit 1, 19t}j" Page 5

SCORCH skins rodent smugg lers
by Swanee Larrison
of the SCORCH

Editor's note: Recent allegations that LCC President
Fe/don Rafer is involved in
chinchilla smuggling operations out of Tigard have sent
shock waves through the community. The SCORCH -- in a
• self-serving effort to fatten
our budget coffers with LCC
funds controlled by Rafer -decided to explore these
allegations and attempt to
clear this wonderful administrator's fine name.
Despite his many Chilean
and Peruvian friends (Chile
and Peru are well-known
hotbeds in the chinchilla
trade), LCC President Feldon
Rafer firmly denies any ties
between himself and the
lucrative chinchilla trade in

Love County and Western
Oregon.
Last February, Rafer was
indicted on three counts of rodent fur smuggling and two
counts of inter-county
transportation of "stuff you
certainly wouldn't want your
children to bring home alive."
Although Rafer's trial isn't
scheduled until next winter,
county prosecutors seem confident that they can send the
super-administrator to the
Oregon State Penitentiary
"for as long as we please."
And the evidence, to the untrained eye, does seem overPublished
whelming.
photographs clearly show
Rafer putting gray rodents in
his late model Maserati.
Robert ''The Chilean Connection" Feldenberst and Rafer
have been seen together
repeatedly in downtown

-Lymp h Nodes
by Just Kidding
and Nor Yellek
of the SCORCH

Disease of the Week

body president Ruby Rovinglips.
Using the lifesize photo of
Rovinglip's tongue as an illustration of what might hap-

Halitosis, a notorious
disease rampant on the LCC
campus, has been selected by
the Love Health Occupations
department as the Disease of
the Week.
Several cases of this
distasteful illness have been
recently discovered, an undisclosed source informed the
SCORCH by word of mouth
last week. The characteristics
of the illness are bad breath,
chronic bad breath, and
generally bad bad breath.
The Health Occupations
department says that there is a
simple solution to the smelly
snafu: Closed mouths.

results from repeated tightlipped sessions.
Material contained within
the spacious jawbone cavity
actually composts when the
brain triggers the release of a
hormone not yet discovered.
The brain gives the command
when the lips want to rove for
what ever reason but can't
quite get it untogether, say officials.
The officials do not blame
the onslaught on the corrosive
toxins constantly seeping into
our water and onto the sweet
grassy lawns we do so love to
play on. They urge everyone to
keep smiling.
Rovinglips couldn't comment.

But RICH officials say they
can produce a real Sheldon
Rafer, who is now living, they
say, in a ramshackle trailer lot
in Tallahassee, Florida.
And yet Rafer attempts to
remain optimistic: "I'm sure
mom would have told me if I
had a brother named Sheldon.
I guess the same overactive imagination that put Sheldon in
my autobigraphy also put a
tidy little package in the prosecution's hands."
And the prosecution loves
it. Assistant District Attorney
Waldo Witherspoon says,
"Sure, most of our testimony
is fabricated, mainly from the
adolescent fantasies related in
Rafer's book, but you'll never
convince my mother -- who
happens to be presiding over
•th~ court trying Rafer -- of
that."
Despite such statements, the

people go out there to get
something and suddenly have
an overwhelming desire to go
to the bathroom. But there
just wasn't anyplace to go."

DA's office pooh-poohs
speculation that a fix is in on
the Rafer case.
The SCORCH thinks otherwise. If you share our concern,
write to:
Save Our President
LCCSCORCH
Eugene, Oregon

Your letters will be compiled and presented to the House
Committee on Unspeakable
Atrocities when it next convenes in Acupulco March 31.
Meanwhile, we suggest you
buy a copy of Rafer's doctored memoirs, "Feldon and
Sheldon: A Study of the
Jekyll/Hyde Tendencies of
College Administrators,''
available at better bookstores
everywhere.

He adds that the lack of sufficient toiletry caused some
embarassing situations which
he hopes will be "wiped out"
by the new equipment.

Toilets seated

Taste buds blistered

Love Community Canal
health officials released
reports today explaining the
weird malady contracted by
Love's ASKANDWE'IITELL

nightclubs. And Rafer is on
record as saying that he favors
relaxed restrictions on chinchilla importation.
However, the SCORCH has
learned that Rafer has been
employed as an undercover
agent by the Rodent lmportat ion Control Hierarchy
(RICH) since 1958. Rafer says
he knows his RICH contact
only by the code name ''The
Weasel."
RICH sources deny the existence of "The Weasel" and
say the only Rafer they ever
employed was named Sheldon.
They do, however, admit
that their file on Sheldon
Rafer bears a remarkable
resemblance to the character
portraying Rafer's alter ego in
his autobiography, "Feldon
and Sheldon: A Study of
Jekyll/Hyde Tendencies. in
College Administrators."

Photo by l:kc1lc Bailey

pen to any of us, health officials warned students to keep
their mouths open and in motion. Oddly, the dis-ease

LCC's Maintenance department was proud to announce
last week the installation of
two brand new toilets in the
equipment shed on LCC's
baseball field.
"It was a terrible problem,"
says Maintenance Manager
Jesse Kuickshitz. "We'd have

co
LCC is growing fire hydrants. According to fertilizer manager Killern Wilya, they pop up all
over the place. He says he can't eradicate them. "They squirt water everywhere when their
ripe and I can't control it," said Wilya in dismay.

So are we,
April Fool's

Page 8 April 1, 1982 - A\,cAi 1, 19~The SCORCH

ENTERTAI NING
Sappy cinema slams silver screen
by Just Kidding
of the SCORCH

The Swiss Alps, wonderful
orchestration, and a taste of
World War II. A winning
combination, you say? It
would seem to be so.
But The Sound of Muzak, a
recently released musical/drama/adventure, is
nothing more than a disappointing rehashing of overused war cliches and sappy
tunes.
Jewelry Andrews and
Kristopher Plumber attempt
to sing and bear it through this

travesty, which manages to
turn a valid art form into
nothing more than molested
celluloid.
Accompanied by seven
nauseating children and the
beautiful and vivacious Angel
Cartwheel, they sing and laugh
their way through mortar fire
and SS terrorist tactics.
Andrews, who plays a nun
cast out of the convent when
the Mother Superior frowns
on her acid-drenched forays
into the "Magic Kingdom,"
falls in love with Plumber, a
bleeding-heart Austrian who
has the uncanny ability to

simultaneously sing al\d be a
government administrator.
They marry -- the children
are Plumber's through a
never-before-seen method of
asexual reproduction -- and attempt to flee Austria in an
unintentionally hilarious series
of misadventures, including an
uproarious graveyard scene
and a comic gazebo sequence
between Plumber and Andrews.
This film is seriously flawed. Not only is the
photography shoddy and
grainy, but it looks like some
six-year old developer and a

• Next at the fashion show
the fam ous Shook Beilds
modeled the look of the thirties. Beilds wore a synthetic,
artificial dress accented by a
mink stole which was stolen at
the end of the show.
• Following Beilds was Terror Sleeze who modeled the
new religious punk look.
Sleeze wore a silver tunic with
a clashing synthetic polyvinyl
chloride patent leather jacket
with the latest revision of
Rogets Holy Bible.
Kline also displayed
fashions for the over-endowed
ancient woman, modeling a
gold metallic James Bond
limited edition dressed for the
overdeveloped bust. The
model was Insane Mussel.

After the final bidding for
the clothing, Mr. and Mrs.
O.Z . Wotznozzle Esq. III, the
owners of Duffer's, held an
elegant kegger where the beer
flowed hard and heavy.
After 30 kegs Pelvic Kline's
top models -- Mussell, Beilds
and Sleeze -- were arrested and
charged with voyeurism. They
were then taken to the Love
County Jail.
When asked to comment on
his designs, Kline said, "Well,
when I started this business
(and I did) I was out to make
my women beautiful, but now
all I want is to make myself
rich."
• In a •totally unrelated
development, flowered pants
with massive flared legs have
taken Eugene by storm. Flours
Unlimited, formerly a pastry
shop located on the sprawling
downtown mall, reports that
sales rose dramatically when a
bizarre ankle ailment struck
over half of Eugene's former
hip community.
Ex -hipster Bob " Bob"
Blakemore says, "Like ... it's
like. . .you know. . .kinda
like.
.you know .
. inexplicable.''
Lane County health officials say they too are .. .like.
.. you know ... stumped.
• Meanwhile, back at the
fashion show, Kline, commenting on the source of his
fashion ideas, said, "While me
and the guys were walking the
rail trying to get back to L.A.
from a tramp convention we
happened upon a Goodwill
truck. This truck was filled
with old clothing and being the
bum that I am it inspired me to
design my new creations,
"The New Old Look."
When asked to comment on
the rumor of his double marriage and two children, Kline
replied, ''Those are ugly
rumors started by my wives!''

-Fashion Notes
by Geoff Crayon
and Reynolds Wrap
of the SCORCH

• Today Pelvik Kline released his new spring and summer
wardrobe line during a fashion
show at Eugene's posh Duffer's Tavern and Greasy
Spoon. Kline had several new
designs as well as some of his
earlier attempts cleverly
disguised with dimestore sequins and plastic beads.
Varying from his long stand_ing policy of designing only
women's and transsexuals' attire, Kline also displayed
himself -- wearing an oversized
leisure suit, consisting of black
retched pinstripe slacks with a
filthy white T-shirt.

I;

I

Key Yo Ta models her new group's onstage wear during a
break while recording her hit single Other Attitudes

• In New York, famous
jeans designer and noted ugly
person Glory Barelybuilt was

basement darkroom were used
for printing.
The musical score and
soundtrack are reminiscent of
pilfered 1920s vintage Al
Jolson albums, with massive
scratches and jumps. Plumber
and Andrews seem perpetually
on guard to guarantee that
their voices and the soundtrack are synched.
The direction is aimless; the
actors simply walk around,
spewing lines like ''we love
you, Maria," and "doe: a
deer, a female deer." C'mon
gang. Let's not insult the
average viewer's alleged in-

telligence. We all know a doe
is a deer, okay? Gracious.
But this movie's biggest error is, of course, the muzak.
Piped in over every theater's
giant speakers, this sickening
aural tribute to doctors offices
and elevators lends nothing to
an already poor cinematic effort.
As this film's theme states,
"The hills are alive." Not with
the sound of muzak, but with
the sound of thousands of feet
desperately escaping theaters
where The Sound of Muzak is
playing.
Do-re-mi, indeed .

Pho to by Geo ff Crayo n

Reynolds Wrap shows off her Jane Russell look at a recent illegal modeling session at Duffer's Tavern and Greasy Spoon

prem1ermg her latest line of • chaic works as the feather boa,
tittilating togs at a ''Marrieds gray flannel knickers and
Only" fashion show in N.Y.'s chastity belts, is a multimillion
exclusive 700 Club.
dollar effort three years in the
Said Barelybuilt: "America making.
-- and the world, for that matFinanced by a now-defunct
ter -- is tired of clothes designNew
York savings and loan ined for the single-minded purstitution,
the spring line is less
pose of attracting the opposite
of
a
landmark
in fashion
sex through tightness and
history
as
it
is
a
"rational,
allure." She added that her
practical
contribution
to the
new spring line of "marrried"
life
of
married
males
and
clothes will ''probably set a
females
everywhere,''
says
fashion trend in the US which
Barely built.
will permeate the clothes
world of the 1980s."
The new fashions are slated
Barelybuilt's new designs,
for an April 31 public unveilwhich feature such hitherto aring.

The SCORCH April I, 1982 - ,\t9Pil 1, 1~3 Page 9

SPURTS

Lizardslinger s scaling new heights
by Just Kidding
of the SCORCH

The LCC alligator wrestling
squad ensured a second consecutive trip to the national
tournament by coming from
behind to win a hotly contested regional playoff against
Tenino (Washington) Community College last week.
Trailing 22-14 after three
matches, LCC's Lars Larskonnsen pinned a mammoth
248-lb. Everglades foe with
just 0:38 left in the third and
final round of a middleweight

match. His victory put the
LCC Teton squad behind by
three points, 22-19~ and within
easy reaching distance of a
faltering Tenino team.
TCC's Blurk Johnson,
favored to win the regional
heavyweight crown, then succumbed to the jaws of Stanley,
a 400-lb. Amazon sharptooth
bred especially for tournament
play. Johnson's loss, late in
the t·ournament, instantly
jeopardized TC<;'s title hopes,
and the Tetons were able to
score more than enough points

in the lightweight matches to
overcome the three-point
deficit and finally win, 31-22.
LCC Coach Borge lgorsalsky noted that his team's
comeback drive was the result
of much pre-tournament practice two weeks ago. "Yeah,
they practiced real good,'' he
said, adding "I was real pleased that all we lost was one
guy's arm. We've steadily improved this season . . . at the
beginning we were losing two,
three guys a match, and now
all we're losing is limbs. We've

got a good shot at the national
title, maybe."

and capturing the regional title
in his weight class.

LCC's only casualty was
standout lizardslinger Studs
Merphson, the league's
leading "flip and pin" man
this season. Only a freshman,
Merphson watched a brilliant
career bite the dust when
Gracie, a 200 lb. female, ripped his right arm off at the
shoulder.
Thinking quickly, Merphson kicked the living
. daylights out of the beast, thus
saving his other appendages

LCC's national title hopes
rest on the good health of the
squad. "I told 'em," said Igorsalsky, "that I seen too
many stupid, non-alligator
sport injuries for them to be
messing around. We had one
guy last year who went out and
played basketball before the
national tournament, for
Christ's sake. He twisted his
ankle and was no good to the
team. I told my guys not to
take stupid risks like that."

- Spontaneous Emissions
by Just Kidding
and Schmarty
Schwatzbrchracbatuer
of the SCORCH
Athlete's Foot of the Week

been influential in his
(Streets') decision to pursue a
career in the NLFL (National
Leapfrog League).
Quacks travel to W ACC

Quack
Oregon
The
basketabll squad will trek to
Tulsa, Oklahoma, for the annual Winless Athletes Consolation Contest this week.
The Quacks, whose dismal
season inspired WACC tournament directors to make
them the first seed in the tournament, will once again be
under the skilled tutelage of
Jane Himmey, fourth-year
Oregon coach.
New gator coach named
Photo by Space Case

Jock of the Week

LCC leapfrog team captain
Larry Streets (Soph., Drain)
has been named this week's
Jock of the Week.
Streets led the Titans to a
third-place in the annual
Triangle Leapfrog meet last
week. The Titans finished
behind the Glenwood Pearl
Buck Center with 135 points
and the Junction City Gimps
117. The Titans final tally was
42 points.
Streets, who says he has
been leapfrogging since he was
17 years old, didn't actually
score any points for the Titans
but was given the award
because of "favors granted,"
says LCC athletic director
Tom Susan. Susan refused to
comment on the nature of
those "favors."
"Leapfrog is a sport of
technique as opposed to
physical stamina,'' says
Streets. He adds that LCC's
finish in the triangle meet was
mainly due to the coaching of
LCC coach "Fossie" Bobber,
in his eighth year at the helm.
Streets adds that Bobber has

LCC athletic director Tom
Susan named Kevin Nobotum
as the new LCC alligator
wrestling coach this week.
Nobotum will replace present coach Borge lgorsalsky
after the team participates in
their second consecutive national tournament next week.
Although lgorsalsky has put
together a "winning, growing
program," in his three years as
LCC's coach, says Susan, she
feels that irreparable limb
damage and loss of life to
early-season team members
will seriously damage LCC's
gatorflipper recruiting efforts.
"I Ii ke Borge, I really do,"
says Susan. "It's just that
when he gets that killing gleam
in his eye, the kids start losing
appendages because they try
too hard. This will, in the long
run, damage what has been a
surprisingly successful program.''
Whoops II

Once again, the SCORCH is
proud to accurately present
the oft-confused photos of
prominent LCC athletes Dawn
Breadason and Dina Allyn.
In an earlier issue, the
SCORCH accidentally switch-

ed the photos of these outstanding water polo athletes during a regrettable Athlete of the
Week snafu.
Both Breadason and Allyn
made notable contributions to
the Teton water squad this
week as they splashed and
frolicked their way to an easy
14-2 victory over the Eugene
Sewage Treatment Water
Moccasins. Breadason and
Allyn scored three goals apiece
in the victory.
The SCORCH regrets the
earlier error and hopes this
issue will clear things up. Uh ..
. wait a minute. Hold on.
These aren't the ... wait. . .

Dawn Breadason

Dina Allyn

Page 10 April C 1982 - Atnil 1, MO~ The SCORCH

Just when you thought it was safe to keep turning the pages.

more fashionable travel
Another Editor's Note: Phil
and Buck's first glimpse of
LCC's mighty Alps, and their
subsequent discovery of
LCC's equally mighty culinary

facilities, prompted them to
take a unique approaches
toward two of LCC's greatest
highlights: Climbing -and dining.

/

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Buck and Phil surprise campus security officials with their concerted effort to explore one of LCC's finer dining areas. "Climbing is not just an outdoor sport,"
Buck quips.

Adventure and challenge face
these fashionable climbers as
they scale the sheer stone face
of one of LCC's mighty Alps.

Thwarted in their indoor dining efforts, Phil and Buck resort to a more
likely source of culinary delights. "I've
been munching on aerosol cans since I
was knee-high to a boll weevil,'' asserts
Phil. "And just look at this physique."

Photo, b} Beer le Baile)

ifieds
-Crass
•
serv1ees

l.onely.• Oepressed.0 flungry? l'gly? II orry not
friend! Larry 's l\1obile Picnic Sen·ice is now
Larry ·s 'vfobile Picnic, Psychology, Plastic Surgery
and Computer Oaring Sen·ice. Call be,/1,re midnight tonight.
The Ralph Ra/pherson School of <iraphic P1111ctuation can make ewe a ri11hter two! Preu11is1ration required.

---------

· - - ---

for sale

Head lice: }5 cents per thousand. "l.il-e" and
guaran1eed lo infeCI large numbers. Call ext. }617.
Head lice -- for FRf.'J-:. Visit your local elementary
school. This has been a public sen'ice announcement brough1 to you by 4-Jay School District.
Record collectors: Rare IP, "'vfarl'in (;aye J.fre At
Sn/ Twhbaum 's Bar 'vfi1~1·ah, "SW. Call 555-0986.
One college newspaper, cheap! f .'x1. 2657.

Chinchilla hides, neK· and used, second floor .4dministration Building.
U ill lrade my Susi for 77 i ega or '11ustang. Must
be in good condition. Call 555-1212 and ask for
John.
Orugs! All kinds al low, low, lo..- prices. Buy now
and sai·e. Fifty dollar rebate K·ith 1his ad on anr
5500 item in the opiate class. .·fre Pharmauutic~I
Orugs, 555-ORL'G.
l .arxe emply building (jormerb · the Bi/1tm). Possible housing for elderl.1·. Practical location. H 'ithin
walking distance from l .o,·e Communitr Jail. In•
quire at/_('(' Really.
Slightly used diaphram. l'sed only tt1·ice. S/0. Can
be ,ubHituled for a lung machine. Inquire at
l'ta.rJ.id \'ursery, 555-5555.
One slighlly used editor. Smart, ejficient and
unoriani~ed. Come5 with his eiiht-year-o/d child.
\o ,u,ociatiun K·ith JO-year-old ubm·e. As!.in!( 550
but K'ill negotiate. Call ex/. 1111.

Pic11h· tables! Iii!(, .imall, long and short! Includes
loading and unloading. Call l .arry's Competilor at
555-5175.

Roat rides on cesspools! Situated nex1 to I m·e
Communily Canal's beautiji,I alhletic )lelds. Calm
surrounding next to freeway. Feed the beaut!fi,I
100 lb. duc!.s. S/0 a shot. Call I CC 4thletic
IJepartmenl.
IJead baby ducl,,s. Wild and domesth'. Some fresh.
C,uaranteed .m1isfaction. C,ood for breaking 1he ice
at parties. Call Chuc!. 1\-lanson at San Quemin Correcliona/ lnstillltion, Solilary l 'nit.
/Jam/aids. l sed and new. Reasonable prh·es. l\-1a!.e
ojfer. It might sai·e .r0t1r l~fe! Call 555-.\"ICK.

wanted

Stuffy's-- 108 W. 31st, 555-9610, Slim
Whitman will perform Rock & Roll at
11 :30 p .m . No body charge.
Maximillion's-- 55 W . 31st, 555-9610,
Snow will perform as long as the audience keeps cool at 8:19. There will
be a cover charge of $1 per outer garment. All personal weapons must be
checked at the door.

O'Mulligan's -- 44 South Eugene Rd.,
555-9610, Rolling Stones will hop with
some good tunes at 9:23. Warning:
This band is not good enough to
charge a cover.
Halley's Comet -- 51 Moon Blvd.,
555-9610, Put Benijar will give us her
best at 6:02. Cover charge is $5 per
person to get in and $25 if you want to
leave .
The Blue Cat Saloon -- 961 Benjamine
Blvd., 555-4590, Two-Bit Flash will
give an offbeat performance for five
days, beginning at 7: 12 on April I,
1982. This is a benefit for all the people who are trying to impeach the
president. Donations of $500 are being
taken at the door.

777 E. 11th,
Alcoholic's Inn
555-8430, The Fruit Stampers and The
Corn Fields, will show us the way at
7:41. Cover charge for every alcoholic
drink not consumed when instructed.

dance

Love Community Canal -- 4000 E.
30th. A dance performance to benefit
the flowers in spring will be oerformed
by The loose Bones Dance Soc,'pty. A
group ranging in age from 2 to 99 will
perform. The performance will be
held April 1, 1982 at 12:31. Admission
ranges from $2 for a floor mat to $25
for reserved stage seating. Please attend. The flowers need your support.

theatre

Love Community Canal -- 4000 E.
30th Ave. Eugene. Opening this exciting season is an Alfred _Hitchcock
classic, Storko. The thrill and excitment of the real thing right at the tip
of your eyeballs. The performance is
scheduled for April I, at 6:80 and
9:61. Cost will be on a scale . $.03 per
pound. GOOD LUCK!

•
movies

Laypower -- 345 Lay Ln. Poor and Infamou s. Show at 3 a.m. and 10 a.m.
Love Community Canal -- 4000 E.
30th ave. The Performing Art s
Department will present a Jello Dolly
film at 8 p.m. on April 32.

McDonald Duck -- 34 W. Disney St.
Boogie, Boogie, Boogie, at 9 p.m. and
On Golden Ocean with Shoot !he
Ear!h at anytime you show up.

galleries

Come on you jerks! You didn't really
think there would be any gallery
listings in April did you? Jeez, any art
connoisseur knows galleries don't
hold shows in April.

tv

XLAX-TV, operated by members
of LCC's Beginning Cable Television
Production class, will take the air for
the first time April 5 at 5 p.m. on
Cable Channel 69.
KLAX will foist their video menace
upon the public from studios in the
Forum building on Love Community
Canal's main campus. Eugene's
newest TV station has been set up to
give students valuable experience in
three areas:
• Obtaining and airing syndicated
reruns of ancient, brainless ,;ituation
comedies.
• Covering sports events and producing local features of little or no
consequence.
• Selling and producing cheap,
abrasive advertising to clients of questionable repute.
Supervising the fledgling video
enterprise is Fred Silvenongue, former
Los Angeles video huckster wh o joined the LCC faculty last mo nth.
Repeatedly slapping the fender o f hi s
car for emphasis, Sil ve rtongue
predicted, "if we break even it ' ll be a
miracle. 1f we're still in business in
June I'll ride Andy the Wonder Buffalo naked through the downtown
mall!''
Program director Grant Finker announced that the first day of programming would be dedicated to Newton
Minow, former chairman of the
Federal Communications Commission. Minow made headlines in 1961
when he decried the state of TV programming, calling the medium "a vast
wasteland.''
KLAX's Monday inaugural program schedule runs as follows:

Forty,lfre (,f.'I) studem.r lom1ed in 4pprenti.-eship
/Jui/ding. Smokers preferred. 1:'.rlensfre knowledge
of m,t,mwbiles u must. Call 555-9586.

autos

Parting /JIii /9}5 Slut: Hearmt. 555-1847.

f.'mp/oymenl Opportunity: }'ear-round. ol/fdoor
occupa1ion, in !>Unny Central ,md South America.
Trai·e/, earn and learn. Call I ito or "/Jugs" at
555-21198.
\ume j11r I o,·e Community Canal 111hletic learns.
Cull ex,. 2657.
4 meaninf?Ju/ relationship with something other
than my farrah faw,•efl doll. 4,/,, .f11r 'vie/ at
555-771}.

United States is upstaged by a chimpanzee.

8:30 -- LEAVE IT TO BEAVER
BONANZA
9:00
Skelter" The Cartwrights
warped forward to the year
find that the Ponderosa
taken over by a band of
savages.

'Heal 1h·!.et. \fust be rnte, ; ; ; , d ~ n d
generous. Call 5.U-1619. ..t 1!. }1,r "stud."

82 /)e/1Jrean. Rough body, rough engine. S175 or
he.\ f o.ffer. 555-9865.

and Out
-Down
•
mus1e

l :'ugenel \ew for!. airline 1ic!.et. As!. for Buel,,
and/ or Phil at 555-4889.

"Helter
are time1968, and
has been
muderous

Fire Sale! 72 l'illfo. Runs goocl, ,·ery dean e.r('('pt
,li1r minor ,mol,,e clllmu,:e in rear seat. 58600.
555-91177.
/Jodie, pilinled. (,omf work. reasonable rales. Cur
painling oplionul. 555-.1996.

I i('('-f're~idential limo. Hu//etpmof glas~. hotly.

tire!>, mirron, trun!.. hood, headli!(hf!, chrome,
tailight.\ (l/1(/ IIJIIWl.\fery. One \mall r111~l .\£'f'll(Ch.
I il,,e ,,.,,.._ S}2,()()0. rJ.. Ji1r (,eorie. (}()1)456-ll l 2.

10:00 -- GREEN ACRES -- "If It
Weren't For The Honor . .. " Arnold
The Pig is invited to a barbeque at the
LBJ ranch.
10:30 -- LEAVE IT TO BEAVER
11:00 -- SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -Guest host Billy Carter buys a
cheeseburger, drinks beer with the
rnneheads and throws up on Mr. Bill.

58 f .'dsel. Creal c1Jndition, susceptible to nas/J'
rumors. Plenly of other gems, too. Ralph Ralpher-

son Molors, }05 Cen., 4{)()() f.'. 30th A,·e.. Eugene.

messages

lost: Ethics and morals. If found please return to
the SCORCH.
Found: ASSLCC treasurer. May claim at LCC
Security Office. Answers 10 "Davy."
Susi -- /lad a great K'eekend! Belter see a doc/or! -John.
Srntt Rusi -· I o.·i/1 dona/e }9 ('('n/s .ft,r new pa1•emen1 on my drfre,..ay. l\1eet me al 8th and l .incoln.
(Hlac!. Caddy).
O111111a -- l'leu.1e don·, make me beat anybody up! --

J. IJ.

John -- I did! I 1111 're" Ja1her! -- Smi.
·Ill dm1(11ed ad1·ertiumen11 of !hue words or
are .\}5 j11r / 111·e Communit_;· ( anal ,1udenll.
\on-1111de111.1: ~/' .rm, hare /0 111!. how mufh it
co,11, you ,.,,,, ·, u.fj11rd ii . .\o hear it.

le1.1

UNDERGROUND
12:00
THEATRE -- "Raiders of the Lost
Ark" (1981) Harrison Ford, Karen
(Alien. Presented in its entirety
without commercial interruption.
Don't tell anyone or we're in big trnuble .
compiled by
Mike "Mike" Slim
and Veckley Mach II

DAN WANTS YOU
to come take a test drive
and feel the powerful thrust
of his economically horsepowered engines.

5:00 -- LEAVE IT TO BEAVER
"The Dome" The Cleavers face their
biggest crisis ever when Wally decides
to shave hi s head .
BEVERLY
THE
5:30
HILLBILLIES -- "Boulevard Nights"
Jethro takes up pimping.
6:00 -- KLAX NEWSWATCH -- The
Channel 69 news team reads top
stories of the day from the RegisterGuard.
6: IS -- EARTH GOURMET -- "Chef
Buzz" prepares nattiral recipes .
Tonights menu: brownies and tea .

Galley River Twin -- 2324 Galley Ln.
Whose Scotch is it anyway ? and
Malice Clearly Intended will show at
4:30, 5, 5:30 and 6 p.m. respectively.

SPORTS SPECIAL:
6:30
CELEBRITY MUD WRESTLING -Live from O'Callahan's. Main event:
Anne Bradley vs. Leslie Mihata.

2333
Strangefield Quadruple
Strangefield Ln. Raiders of rhe losr
Lark will show at 4 a.m. only.

7:00 -- CINEMA 69 -- "Bedtime for
Bonzo" (1951) Ronald Reagan, Ann
Blyth. The future president of the

Just ask for Dan at Voracious Volkswagons Unlimited
1n 1 Strangefield Ln.

-Ominous Gatherin g-------El Salvador rhetoric spewed

Both ends of the political spectrum will clash
April 15 when Jeremy Gerber, a noted leftist activist, and Odd Bunion, an avowed facist, discuss
the topic El Salvador: Fight or Flight.
The discussion, to be held in the East parking
lot, will feature lively and open debate between
the gutsy freedom fighter and the oppressive,
overbearing brownshirt.
Call the Love County Events Coordination
Center at 555-8743 for more information.

lege newspapers get away with these days" cited
the April I, 1981 issue of the Immorald in his
$ 1. I million lawsuit.
His April 22 lecture will also include discussions on freedom of the press and Intercontinental Ballistic Missile (ICBM) usage in Love County as an alternative to the M-16s the county
received in 1981.

The Love County Animal Regulation Authority shelter has received calls from the South Hills
area about sick seagulls in area neighborhoods.
Feeding the seagulls is discouraged.
Crocodiles can be protected against distemper
by feeding them live sheep. These delightful,
cuddly, fun-loving creatures should not be confused with the deadly, pedigreed alligators bred
for alligator wrestling action.
For more information contact Lane County
Animal Regulation at 555-CROC or your
wildlife department.

Karate Club update

Stockman to speak
Salad subsidies slated
ASSLCC Pres. Reuben Sandwich is proud to
present his first useful effort of the I 981-82
school year.
Beginning May I, the student government will
subsidize salad sales in the "cafeteria," as it is
known in some circles.
Sandwich says new leadership on the student
newspaper was instrumental in swaying campus
opinion on the touchy issue. "We couldn't have
did it without 'em," he lauded.

Used books loitering
All types of books ranging from textbooks to
coloring books have been loitering in the LCC
book store.
These books, rejected by LCC students, are
concerned they will be recycled if nobody buys
them . One book, Superman Coloring Book, says
he can't understand why they aren't being
bought.
If you are one of these books on the LCC campus the Humane Coalition for Unwanted Books
will hold their first meeting April 2 at 8 p.m. in
the LCC bookstore.

Distemper alert
The Love County Animal Regulation Authority reminds crocodile owners that their crocodile~
can contract distemper from seagulls.

David Stockman, aide to President Reagan,
will be on campus April 9 to speak on "The Joys
of Deceit."
Stockman is traveling to community colleges
across the US in an attempt to clear his reputation. He says he will write an autobiography
when the tour is finished.
Stockman will speak in Forum 123 at 8 p.m.

Planet alignment lecture
Dr. Billion Buggs, planetarium director, will
focus attention on the alignment of the planets
which occured on March 10, I 982.
The lecture/demonstration will focus on
Buggs' mistake in saying the world would not
end.
According to Buggs, he was sure he was ri ght
and apologizes to all those who made daily pla ns
for March 10 assuming they'd still be here.
Buggs claims that any future predictions on
alignment will include the end of the world.
Admission will be $100. For further information, call Love Planetarium at 555-4444.

t

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Learn to tutor PhDs

Overeaters club meets

Students interested in learning how to unteach
English to doctorate holders are invited to a
' method workshop on March 5, 6 and 13.
The workshop will focu s on how to force
theoretically intelligent people out of the job
market and give less fortunat e individuals a
chance.
Held at the LCC downtown center, the cost of
the workshop is $6. Applications are available
from !want Itnow at 555-781 5.

Overmasticators anonymous, a club for all
food lovers on the LCC campus, has changed
plans for its April 11 meeting.
Instead of meeting at Love, the new meeting
place will be at Farrell's Ice Cream Parlor.
The meeting will be held from breakfast to
dinner to allow enough time for the lengthy
meeting.
For more information call Farrell's or the
Eugene chapter of the Elizabeth Taylor Fan
Club.

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Members of the Love Community Canal
chapter of the All Dressed Up With No Place To
Go club will meet April 2 in the lobby of the Performing Arts Building at, "oh, let's say seven ish," says club president Muffy McDermott.

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Picnic service begins
Eugene/Springfield residents sans picnic table
now have a unique opportunity to experience the
joys of temporarily owning what has become a
picnic tradition.
Larry's Mobile Picnic Service, "for folks on
the go," offers several picnic packages for the
pacesetting family. "I wanted to give area
families a change of pace," says Larry.
For more information or reservations call
Larry's Mobile Picnic Service at 555-FOOD.

The Love County Sheriff' s Department is
sponsoring a two-day workshop to help citizens
learn how to lie, cheat, steal, sell their bodies and
rob food stamps from mailboxes.
An official from the department says they
want. more crime on the streets so the department
can hire more staff to decrease the unemployment rate in the county.
The workshop will be held in Cell C-2 at the
Love County Jail on April 10 at midnight.

Love County District Attorney Hat Porton
will hold a conference for all interested citizens
to announce the lawsuit he brought against the
SCORCH involving libelous material printed in
the U of O Daily lmmorald last year.
Porton, who says he is outraged at "what col-

Bluepeace is sponsoring a film and talk entitled, "Fun Whaling," an account of legal
Japanese whaling based on research done by
Bluepeace International.
The event will be held at the Eugene Public
Library on Tuesday April 8, at 7:30 p.m. Admission is free. For more information call 555-8121.

The new Karate Club on the LCC campus has
closed for the rest of the year due to injuries. •
All club members were rushed to the hospital
with broken limbs and dislocated noses last week
after a match with the Bruce Lee All-Stars, a
championship-caliber squad from Harlem.
According to club president Dennis "The
Menace" Cruiserweight, the club will resume
operations fall term. He advises beginners not to
try karate by themselves: "It's dangerous stuff
and not to be messed with."

Learn crime

Porton sues SCORCH

Legal whaling discussed

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