Lively
Collegiate
Corruption
'The Polesitter of Oregon College Newspapers'

LCC Board pleased with

Vol. 18, No. 1 April 1, 1983 - Masci: Of, 1984

results- of grueling session
by Just Kidding

SCORCH Editor

Pres. Elvis Hoefer and
board member Hari Kari each
voted "no" six times last night
to lead the LCC Board to an
8-1 (on proposals) conquest of
the LCC staff, students, and
the community at large.
Board members Runny Unner and Rabble Rowser also
chipped in three "no" votes
apiece as the board rejected innovative proposals which included improved campus food
service, course offerings, and
maintenance.
''I'm really pleased with the
way we performed,'' noted
member Pit Chimney. He
cited the board's endurance
during the grueling three and
one-half hour session as indicative of tl}~ "kind of successful training and workout
programs we've been on.''
Voting "no" left and right

From the onset, the meeting
promised to be one to
remember.

As the session opened,
ASOLE Pres . Chiquita
Banana outlined a new
cafeteria plan in her remarks
to the board. The plan included unlimited cafeteria hours,
students access to Food Service equipment, and a phasedin plan of lowering prices
which would eliminate paying
for food by the year 1988.
But Rowserleaptinto the air
and rejected the three-pronged
plan as he shouted, "I want to
know what Col. Wolfbane is
offering and how much it will
cost LCC!''
Citing Rowser' s recent
familial problems combined
with his "distinct lack of
clues," board chair human
Charlene
Currycomb
apologized for the Eugene
board rep while simultaneously stealing the proposal from
under Banana's thumb and
driving it to the table, forcing
board members into an easy
5-1 "no" vote.
Meanwhile, Dean of Instruction Harold Rasputin
hemmed and hawed his way
through a 15-minute explana-

tion of why the board had, for
the umpteenth time, tabled the
Repressive Officer Training
Corps (ROTC) course offerings at LCC.
In the final analysis, the
board was simply ''tired of the
whole mess,'' his report concluded after revealing virtually
nothing new about the controversy which had been brewing since spring of 1982.
A busy, busy, busy night
Several board and administrative figures gave sterling performances in Wednes.
Photo by Just Kidding
day's action.
OOPS, THEY MISSED ONE -- Little Teddy McDermott,
Dean of Adminstrative Serwhose parents are LCC students, was accidentally left behind
vices Raz Berry dished out
last October when the Child Development Center (CDC) left
several assists, bailing out
the Health Building and moved to Dumb School because of
Rowser, Unner and Pres.
allegedly noxious fumes in the building's ventilation systeni.
Hoefer as they sputtered
Teddy, 4, showed great promise in block building, triycling
• through a financial report.
and microbiology, says CDC head teacher Darci Pimple, and
Coach Chimney called Berry's
will be sorely missed.
work "one of the finest efforts •
I've ever seen."
board's voting, Chimney said
Benton Community College
Bamboo Read, quiet "you've gotta admire the guy,
Board of Education next week
through much of the evening, to just throw the concerns of in Albany. The two panels will
also crashed the board for a his constituency out the windiscuss the pros and cons of
meeting-high of three "yes" dow like that."
repressing
potentially
votes. Although his efforts
beneficial week-long seminars
The board's next test will
were contrary to the rest of the come when it faces the Linnat community colleges.

tation of the UO ROTC proposal. He explained that the
proposal consisted of six lower
division courses, which would
be taught at the LCC campus
by UO ROTC instructors. He
also stated that the course proposal would cost LCC
nothing.

Wolfbane then entertained a
question from board member
Rabble Rouser who said,
"What I'd like to know is,
what kind of courses does Col.

Wolfbane want to bring to us,
and who will conduct them?
And what will the fiscal impact be on the college?''
Again, the ideological litany
First in a long line of antiROTC speakers from the audience was ASOLE Pres. Chiquita Banana. "I represent the
students of LCC in saying that
we are opposed to a cell of the
fascist imperialist military
structure coming to violate the
virgin atmosphere of pacifism
and peaceful discussion that
we enjoy here at LCC,''
Banana stated. "If these
killers try to emplace this cog
of the American killing and
subjugation machine on campus, we who are opposed to it
will meet force with force."
However, Banana denied
that she is opposed to ROTC
on strictly moral grounds,
citing economics as another

• Gimme A Break ends its
two-year NBC-TV run
April 12 -- and nobody
cares. See story, page 10.

• Lane Dance Theatre
spontaneously combusts in
a photo essay on page 11.

Commie sprout eaters reject ROTC
by Mike Who?

SCORCH Associate Editor

After nearly four hours of
debate, the LCC Board of
Education returned a University of Oregon Repressive Officer Training Corps (ROTC)
course proposal to its previous
state of limbo.
The board declared by
unanimous consent at its monthly meeting that the ROTC
course proposal will remain
tabled, as it has been since last
July.
Despite the proposal's ninemonth dormancy, the ASOLE
and several other campus and
community groups have continued to debate whether lower
division ROTC courses should
be allowed at LCC.
Lt. Col. Steppen Wolfbane
repeated for the board and a
large audience his June presen-

• Tired of being single?
Go bisexual, and never
leave a party alone! See
Dear Abby, page 9.

Beyond The

Inside

reason for her point of view.
"I'm afraid implementation
of ROTC would take college
money away from other LCC
programs,'' she said, '' and
we've got a CCOSAC meeting
coming up next month at
Sunriver. ''
ASOLE Treasurer A.M.
Munition, a pro-ROTC advocate, scoffed at Banana's
claim that anti-ROTC viewpoints are based on any but
sociopolitical grounds.
''Those bleeding heart
sprout eaters want to turn this
campus and the whole country
into a massive, passive commune which would be easy
prey for the carrion birds of
Communism," Munition said.
"No one objected when
Basket Weaving 201 and
Creative Nudism 250 were introduced, and what good will
those courses be to us when

• A workshop asks the
question, Can I Be A Man
And Still Like Feminists?.
See precede, page 11.

the Red Army wades ashore at
Florence?''
Social Science instructor
Gorge Albersfeed observed
that ROTC graduates were the
most liberal and cool-headed
military officers to serve in
Vietnam. "It was a ROTC
graduate who suggested that
our Gis save fuel by torching
Vietnamese villages with
cigarette lighters rather than
flame throwers."
But Language Arts instructor Jeremy Gerber feared that
a military presence at LCC
would have an opposite effect.
"Our student body and society
are already too militarized,''
Gerber said. "When a TV
show about Army life becomes
the highest rated show in
history, then I think
something's wrong with our
society.''
ROTC continued on page 4

• Just Kidding lambasts a
new documentary about
Zaire's violin makers in a
review on page 14.

Page 2 April 1, 1983 --M

J 31, 1984 The SCORCH

FR EE FO R A FEW

Quit nagging SCORCH standards remai n .high
I

by N akid Fakirr

SCORCH Staff Writer

Spring term is
here and what does
it bring? Oh the
usual -- one or two
new batches of
students, sun, fun
an d grand old
Term
ti mes.
three is just about to descend on us like
spit from the Overpark.
It will be much the same for most of
the population of this beautiful institution of higher education. There will be
some changes, however. Hopefully,
one of these changes will take place in
the treatment this fine publication
recieves.
There are some of you who feel that

it is your calling in life to keep tabs on
this newspaper -- which in the first
place needs about as much watching as
the illegitimate children you keep in
tax-supported day care centers while
you desperately try to get a college
degree.
You are the same folks who come into our offices, grab the first person you
run across, and immediately start in on
the poor sap. You are the people who
take offense at the slightest mistake in
this paper.
Screeching about mispelled names
and ''obvious sexism'' just might not
concern everyone on this fine staff.
Oh, but that never even enters your
clouded little brains, does it? See! I was
right. Anyhow, the person who you're
whining to will eventually get a chance
to breathe and also refer you to the

Editor, who will satisfy your ego by
printing a cute little ''OOPS, we screwed up'' box, and you can dance away
feeling like someone who has just won
a precedent-setting court battle. YIPPEEEEEEEEEE!
Another fun event is when someone
comes in and begins a verbal tirade,
pointing out to one and all that we
have been ignoring your fashionable
and important group, "Save the Commie Fag Rights for Female Blue Wales
in Honduras." We realize that this is
indeed a very important organization
and gee wiz' golly gosh we didn't mean
to ignore such a relevant group.
Hey -- if your group is so all-fired
important, why haven't any _of us ever
heard of it? Sure, you may be behind
it, but just because someone hasn't
heard of it doesn't necessarily mean

that they wish to know about it or that
they're inferior.
There are a whole bunch of groups
just like yours on campus and it's very
difficult to sort through them all.
That's not to say we don't try, though;
on the contrary, we do.
The gist of all this gibberish 'is that
the next time something appears in the
SCORCH that is not exactly up to your
undoubtedly high standards, why
don't you just take a moment and
realize that you couldn't even come
close to producing as fine a publication
as we can? And try to remember that
the staff is made up of human beings,
not androids, and is prone to making
mistakes just like the ones your parents
made in having children like you.
Thank-you for your valuable time
and have a beautiful life, you goons .

of the office doors, their brown smiles
indicating that yes, another issue of th_e
Eme~ald has gone t~t~ess and yes, !~
has hved up to the high ~tandar_ds_
advocated by the u of O's Journahst1c
minions.
The grass outside of the EMU
building, where the Emerald is housed,
is dying. The building itself lacks the

lustre so necessary when presenting a
go~d im~ge. And the streets around the
{!mvers1ty are cracked and worn from
time and neglect.
. .
.
. .
(All of this visual_ imagery is s1lly and
unn~cessary. But it's part of cheesy
st0nes.)
The houses surrounding the Univer-

sity are worn-down, in need of paint
and repair. Their owners sit on what is
left of their lawns, chewing tobacco
and spitting at anything that moves.
Actually, an entire "straight news"
story about a dying bastion of college
press freedom is worthless. So forget
it. Catch you later.

The Oregon Daily Emeral d: journal ism ends there

by Just Kidding
SCORCH Editor

, h " h ,, 1
Th e EmeraId • I ts
t e ot er co lege paper. Journalism ends there. All
the staff writers look like drug-ravaged
throwbacks to the 60s.
Grimy little children line up outside

• Litters------------

those
Revise
- ·:.

revis·e d statutes
To the Editor:

, As most of you well know,
Amendment 14 of the Constitution guarantees ''to any
person within its jurisdiction
the equal protection of the
laws."
This amendment strikes me
as trite and silly in wake of the
twisted meanderings of law
taking place in the South, the
East and yes, right here in our
own Oregon.
According to ORS 314.666,
any person who ''insults the
good name and/ or integrity of
one's siblings, parents or other
close relatives" is subject to a
revocation of 14th Amendment rights. ORS 389.945 appends the previous statute, adding that "insults to personal
pets and barnyard animals"
are included in the rights
suspension.
This is wrong, I think. I
know that I, for one, spend
much of my time insulting ugly people and animals. They
have to be somebody's sisters
and brothers or pets, so I guess
everytime I'm doing it my 14th
Amendment rights will be
suspended.
What a stupid law. Oregon
lawmakers, as always, need to
take a closer look at what they
write. Perhaps then they
would revise some of those
"revised" statutes.

Red Reed

8804 Ravenna Ave.
Eugene 9704Q

I've had enough!

want -- especially if the teacher
is willing to pay them to do so.
And, why not? After all, this
To the Editor:
is the Free Enterprise System.
So come on, SCORCH, no
I, for one, have had enough
question-raising
of the SCORCH's shoddy and . more
phony
or
editorials,
biased reporting. Instead of
comet"
"person-in-the-stre
it
alone,
leaving well enough
seems to be your intention to mentary. Just give us the instir up trouble here at LCC formation we need to pass our
and in the community at large. exams and stop wasting the
Thanks to you, and other students' money stirring up
troublemakers on this campus, trouble. Speaking from exyour so-called "ROTC issue" perience, I know l can't think
has gotten the attention of the
and study at the same time.
finest daily newspaper in
By the way, if any students
Eugene. Not only did the agree with me, you are invited
bleating of a tiny minority of to join me in my ASOLEdissidents lend an air of funded organization, the Colcredibility in the pages of the lege Republicans.
Register-Guard, but we were
presented with the spectre of
Signed,
A.M. Munition
the terrible sixties and seventies, when some students actually acted on their beliefs.
The Register-Guard's
photograph of communist- To the Editor
inspired student terrorists burning newspapers in the street
My name is John Paul Ranwas enough to chill the soul of dall Moore, better known as
any law-abiding student, con- the "Highway 211 Bandit." I
cerned only with graduating am dictating this letter to a
and getting a well-paying job guard as authorities here at the
with a nice company like ITT Oregon State Penitentiary
or IBM or the Green Berets.
have denied me access to sharp
For the SCORCH to stand objects.
in the way of students pursuI have spent two-thirds of
ing the education of their my life in some kind of penal
choice -- by making a stink institution, beginning at age 10
about ROTC -- is to contribute when I covered my scoutto ignorance and unemploymaster with honey and tied
ment. One never knows when
him to an anthill. In 1981 I
the knowledge of First Aid or
was sentenced to 11 consecutive life terms for murder,
Military Science will make the
aggravated murder, assault
difference between a job and
with intent to commit murder,
starvation.
just thinking about commitBesides, it's the students'
right to learn whatever they ting murder, rape, robbery

Please be my pal

and violation of the basic rule.
At the time of my sentencing the judge called me "a
mad dog, a human monster
who should be hung in a cage
along the roadside as was done
with criminals in ancient
Greece.'' I subsequently
defended my besmirched
honor by killing him and an
armed police officer with my
bare hands.
During my two years in OSP
I've been constantly subjected
to verbal and physical abuse
from guards and inmates
alike. I have received several
death threats.
All I've ever heard for most
of my life is what an animal,
what an unsaveable person I
am.
But I still have my selfesteem, my pride, my dignity.
Damn it, I am not an animal! I
am a human being! I'm just
very lonely.
Won't someone who
recognizes my basic worth, my
humanity, write to me? I
would enjoy hearing from someone who is interested in
sharing experiences through
the mail. I'd even consider
marriage if the right woman
were to offer herself to me.
I want a pen pal! And I
want one now! Now, do you
hear me! You better start
writing soon! Soon or else!
I'm warning you! It'll be curtains if you don't!
Thank you and God bless,

John Paul Randall Moore
Box666

2605 State Street
Salem, OR 97310

The

., ,c,1, , ~

SCORCH
EDITOR: Just Kidding
ASSOCIATE EDITOR : Mike Who?
PHOTO EDITOR: Nakid Fakirr
STAFF WRITERS: Iken Flubbet, Peter
Gunn, Lucky Hopper , Goober Slobber,
Manual Overdrive, Sharla Karp, Failed
Sinner
STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS: Bee1le
Bailey, Gary Breedlove (American), lken
Flubbet, Goober Slobber, NU
PHOTO ASSISTANT: NU
STAFF ARTIST: Bob Onit Bnusch
PRODUCTION ADVISER: Den Mother,
Troop 205
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR :
Janellybelly Heartburn
PRODUCTION: B. Tacky, Nakid Fakirr,
Babs Prfrdr-Whiteout, NU, Mike Who?
ADVERTISING MANAGER: Jan
Brown
COPYSETTER: Peter Gunn
CLASSIFIEDS: Awning Hanger
RECEPTIONIST: Dr. Pepperly
DISTRIBUTION: Buck Holstein
ADVISER: Ralph Ralphcrson

The SCORCH is allegedly a newspaper.
News stories are compressed, folded,
spindled and mutilated beyond recognition -- which is how they appear in the
paper. No one but no one will take any
responsibility for these stories.
News features, because of their broader
scope, are generally long-winded essays
about nothing in particular and reach no
specific conclusions about, well,
anything.
"Forums" are essays contributed by a
distinct minority of LCC students and
staff who really care about nothing more
than getting some of their bleeding-heart
rhetoric and a photo into the newspaper.
They should be limited to short, stupid
quotes unrelated to anything which appears in the SCORCH.
"Letters to the Editor" are intended as
short commentaries on stories appearing
in the TORCH, but are really just a sorry
excuse for editorializing by bungling,
witless, would-be writers who want to
finally get something published.
"Ominous-Gathering" serves as a
public announcement forum and is abused by everyone from the Red Cross to the
YMCA. You think it's easy taking 1his
"public service" crap from every group in
the community with an "important
cause?" Think again.
All correspondence must be scrawled in
crayon and signed by the writer - assuming he/she knows how to sign their name
other than by "X." Deadline is whenever
we decide. Mail, carrier pigeon or Federal
Express all correspondence to: The
SCORCH, Room 205, Center Building,
4000 E. 30th Ave, Eugene, OR, 97405.
Phone 747-4501, ext. 2655.

The SCORCH April 1, 1983 - ~hueh 01, 1984 Page 3

Lawn lovers must weed out neglect
by Pete Moss
LCC Horticulturist

It's springtime, folks, and
you know what that means:
It's time to try and keep cool
instead of keeping warm. It's
also time to turn our thoughts
to the subject of lawn care, a
frequently neglected subject.
The average person considers lawn care to be made up
of two or three basic steps: 1)
Water; 2) Cutting; and 3) Watching it grow. STUPID
TWITS!!!! !There's a lot more
to taking care of a lawn than
sitting back and letting it go to
weed.
As any person knows, weeds
are a bitch. They bite the
mighty wong, suck eggs, and
just ain't no fun. The question
you're going to ask is, "What
can I do about this terrible
problem which has plauged
lawn lovers for centuries?"

The answer is a rather uncomplex one: "Treat 'em like
the rotten, yellow-bellied,
Commie pinko scum they
are!" Everyone knows that
weeds were brought to this
beautful land of ours by a
bunch of commie faggots. Do
you think for one second that
Americans introduced weeds?
Uh-huh, no chance, Charlie.
.Americans are too good and
pure to do such a dastardly
deed.
Flame throwers, DDT,
LSD-25, PCP, THC -- use
whatever you have to, just get
rid of the filthy bastards.
There is hardcore pornography proving that the
good people of Afghanistan
had an unbearable weed control problem prior to the invasion of their precious
homeland by the Red Horde.
(A note here: The author
advocates the use of extremely

outdated explosives late at
night to take care of his weed
problem -- with a great deal of
success, too.)
Fertilizers are an oftmisconstrued item in the field
of lawn care. This is not the
case with someone like me,
however. Some of these fancy
fertilizers claim to control
everything from moss to the
little kids playing football on
your parking strip. But let's
face it, fertilizers are all the
same: They stink like hell and
turn the sidewalk different colors.
The fertilizer that seems to
have worked best for me is not
found at the local lawn and
garden store; rather, it is
found around the home and
throughout the neighborhood.
We're talking fecal matter, or
in layman's terms, dog-doo.
Dead pets are good too -- next
time a golfish dies, plant it in

Bookstore raises prices

Students get off too cheaply
by Lucky Hopper

SCORCH Staff Writer

The bookstore has, once
again, raised its prices. The
board of directors met last
night in a top-secret meeting
and voted unanimously for the
change.
The major decision was that
students are buying textbooks
much too cheaply and it is
time the prices were brought
within reasonable range.
One student, who wished to
remain anonymous to avoid
excommunication from Last
Chance was quoted as saying,

''Those damn yankees, they
done gone and made us poor
folk anyhow, I say shoot 'em
and leave 'em fer dead!"
Yes, the natives are getting
restless.
Students are currently protesting the prices by defiantly
walking into the bookstore
with their backpacks in hand
and stuffing their pockets with
expensive ink pens.
Bookstore personnel, with
the rise of hostility, have all
decided to buy group life insurance in case of possible
danger.

Student government president Chiquita Banana was
found reminiscing in her office
about the good ol' days. "I
remember when I was able to
go into the bookstore confident that I'd come out with
just enough money to buy
lunch that day. I'd go in with
$100 and come out with, oh, at
least two dollars. I had such a
good feeling to know that I
could eat good for that day at
least."
Banana is ·enraged by the
price increase, saying that she
refuses to buy her Mars bars
there anymore.

Bastard son of the Lizard King?
by Mike Who?

SCORCH Associate Editor

LCC student Ira Scroggs
has filed a paternity suit
against the estate of deceased
rock star Jim Morrison.
Scroggs, 24, claims to be the
illegitimate son of the late lead
singer for the 1960s rock
group The Doors. Morrison
died of a heart attack in July
1971.
Scroggs is asking for
$500,000 for delinquent child
support and gross mental
anguish. "Daddy didn't so
---ROTC

much as send me complimentary autographed LPs," he
said tearfully.
Initially, Morrison's attorneys incredulously questioned Scroggs' claim, noting
that among other things, Morrison would have been in the
seventh grade at the time of
Scroggs' birth.
In reply to this argument
Scroggs simply observed,
''People are strange.''
However, after a bit of
research the barristers for
Morrison's estate discovered
that this is not the first time

Scroggs has filed an outlandish lawsuit. In 1979 he unsucessfully sued singer-songwriter Rickie Lee Jones for
plagarism, claiming that the
tune to her chart-stopper
"Chuck E. 's In Love" had
originally been written by
Scroggs' great-grandfather as
a bawdy Slavic funeral dirge.
The Illicit Agribusiness major was raised by foster
parents in San Bacardi, Calif.
He knows little about his
biological mother except that
''She was an L.A. woman ... a
real twentieth century fox.''

continued from page 1 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - _ _ ; ,_ _ _ _ _ _ _ __

When board member Hari
Kari pointed out that MASH
was an anti-war program,
Gerber shot back, "So how
come everyone cried when the
war ended?"
Finally, Col. Wolfbane rose
to give one last passionate
defense of ROTC before turning the matter over to the
board. '' Ve are not killers or
varmongers, nein !''

he declaimed. "Ve are merely
offering vat ve believe is der
der
for
vay
best
Amerikanscherjugen to serve
der Vaterland. You vill approve der proposal, ja? Ja!
You viii approve der proposal!''
Board chairperson Charlene
Currycomb's call for further
board discussion was met with
a tired reply by member Fred
Goober: "We've said and

heard it all before." Currycomb asked for and received
the unanimous consent of the
board to return the ROTC
course proposal to the table.
Currycomb later told advocates on both sides of the
debate, "We (the board) are
sick and tired of ROTC -- it's a
dead issue. So quit beating a
dead horse, disband your committees, take the money and
throw a kegger or something.''

the yard. The settlers had the
right idea, and in these harsh
economic times it doesn't hurt
to pinch pennies.
Watering is another important factor in the care of any
fine lawn. It does not really
matter how you water -- any
fine sprinkler or sprinkling
system will usually do the
trick. Timing is the really relevant thing.
During the hot summer
months the public utilities urge
everyone to water during the
late evening or early morning
hours, leaving the daytime
hours for peak usage
elsewhere. But hold on a se-

cond, did you ever stop to
think what is happening to
your fine lawn during the midday onslought by the sun? It's
getting fried like an egg on
high temp! You can bet your
life on it! So why not leave
your water on all day and insure a perfect lawn?
Having a beautiful lawn
more than covers any cost that
may arise from pumping
precious gallons of water onto
your lawn for incredible
amounts of time.
Cutting is one of the most
controversial issues surrounLAWN CARE continued on page 4

Wired

Fabricated by Mike Who?
Loosely based on wire service dispatches

Idi Amin Found
SADDLE RIVER, N.J. -- Former Ugandan dictator Idi Amin was
found here earlier this week, alive and well and living with Richard Nixon.
The deposed "Big Daddy" and the former president released a joint
statement Wednesday morning in which they proclaimed themselves
"Emperors-for-life Of New Jersey And Protectors Of Coney Island ."
Amin was first spotted early Tuesday afternoon by an unidentified mail
carrier who saw him playing softball on the grounds of the Nixon estate
with David Eisenhower and others. The source also reported seeing a
headstone in Nixon's garden which was inscribed "RIP Mohammed Reza
=.~
Pahlavi, 1921-1980."
Amin was responsible for the deaths of 300,000 people duri~g bis
bloody eight-year reign. His whereabouts have been a mystery since he
was ousted in 1979. He had previously been reported to be in Libya, Iran,
the Soviet Union or the offensive line of the Los Angeles Rams.

Pulp claims Reagan appeared in skin flick
TURLOCK, Calif. -- Snitch magazine claims in its April 4 issue that
Pres. Ronald Reagan starred in Fiscal Responsibility OR: Why Buy A
Cow When Mi/k•s So Cheap?, a pornographic film released in 1937.
According to the two-page, illustrated expose Reagan was given $100
and a used Studebaker for his appearance. An editor's note prefacing the
article attributed the information to a Massachusetts man identified only
as "Mister Tip."
Reagan heatedly denied the allegation during a Wednesday press conference. "Never in my film career did I ever do anything I would not want
my mother, sister or sweetheart to see," he said. "Except maybe my love
scene with Shirley Temple in That Hagen Girl.''

Jim Morrison discovered on French Riviera
NICE -- Claiming he "just couldn't remember" where he was and didn't
care, former Doors lead singer Jim Morrison was discovered here late last
week by American tourists.
. John Fl~wers, a former hippie and certified Doors fan, was vacationing
m France s famed southern resort when he spotted a bloated, graying
man sitting on one of the beaches and humming the piano riff to "Light
My Fire,'' a Doors classic. On closer inspection, he discovered that the
singer was indeed Morrison.
Morrison, who is reportedly worth some $9 million, says he will return
to the US and find the son he claims he fathered when in the seventh
grade.

Bay chose new UO hoop coach
from impressive field
EUGENE -- University of Oregon Athletic Director Rick Bay said early Wednesday that he chose a replacement for Duck basketball coach Jim
Haney from an impressive list of candidates.
Bay claims that new coach Don Monson was the only person he contacted regarding the vacancy. However, Bay said yesterday that he also
considered candidates from an impressive list of also-rans:
Willamette High boys coach Tom Leaton, North Eugene High girls
coach Tim Zwettler, North Eugene High journalism teacher Jerry Newell,
Lane County commissioner Jerry Rust, former California governor Jerry
Brown, rock star Linda Ronstadt, rock star Ozzie Osbourne, Ozzie
Nelson, Ricky Nelson, The Beaver, Beaver coach Ralph Miller, Ralph
Sampson, Ralph Ralpherson.
Benny Hill, Fanny Hill, Fanny Foxe, Fanny Flagg, Colonel Flagg, Colonel Potter, Colonel Sanders, The San Diego Chicken, The Ghost And
Mr. Chicken, Wilbur and Mr. Ed, Mr. T, E.T., B.C., Charlie Brown,
Charles Schulz, Charles Manson, Prince Charles, Princess Diana. Prince
Andrew, Koo Stark and Dawn Bredesen.
Y AMACRA W. S.C. -- Oyster shucker Rastus Boll weevil looked up an
elevator shaft Wednesday to see if the elevator was coming down.
It was. Age 57.

Page 4 April 1, 1983 - M•1k 31, 1984 The SCORCH

CDC ends exile il1 aftermath of big stink crisis
by Mike Who?

Rasputin said that on the basis of
environmental test results
released last week, there was no reason
to believe health hazards exist in the
facility. However, Rasputin also cautioned, "That's not to say that someone won't some day suddenly puke,
keel over and go into convulsions.''
And several student helpers did exactly that last Friday during the move
back into the main campus CDC. Pimple said a "rank, sweaty odor" filled
the center for about five hours. She
also reported that several student
helpers were sent home after complaining of dizziness, nausea and the taste of
dirty sweat socks in their mouths.
According to Student Health Services coordinator Mantra I. Ching, the
KNISH

SCORCH Associate Editor

LCC' s Child Development Center
returned to the main LCC campus last·
Friday morning after a four-month exile in the former Dumb School building
-- with more fumes and odors lying in
wait to greet it.
According to CDC head teacher
Darci Pimple, equipment and furniture
were returned to the on-campus center
in the Health Building from Dumb
School late last week. The CDC moved
to Dumb last October after parents
voiced concern over possible toxic
fumes in the Health Building.
LCC Dean of Instruction Harold

fumes . were first reported at about
11: 15 a.m. and gradually dissipated, to
be replaced by a steamy odor resembling generic deodorant soap. To find
the source of the fumes, Ching enlisted
the services of a state industrial
hygienist and trouble shooter known
only as "Captain Quint."
"Aye, that's a bloody big stench ye
have here," Quint said. "Swallow ye
whole. Ne'er fear tho', I'll catch it for
ye -- but it'll cost ye."
Placated with a fifth of rum from
Pimple's file cabinet, Quint made a
search of the Health Building and
quickly found the source of the new
fumes: When the facility's cold air circulation system was rerouted last
month per KNISH recommendations,

a duct was constructed connecting the
CDC with the men's locker room.
Rasputin announced yesterday that
the circulation system would be
repaired if the LCC serial levy was approved by voters March 29. "If the
levy fails and we can't afford to make
repairs," he explained, "we'll have to
borrow gas masks when the spring
sports get underway.''
Children returned to the CDC Monday morning and appeared unfazed by
the new fumes and the media hoopla
that greeted the center's return to campus. When KTMR's Devin Baloney
asked one child, ''Does it smell bad in
here?" the youngster replied, "I'm
gonna be a basketball player when I
grow up!"

Overkill b·est describes new novel
(Editor's note: Swanee Larrison is a
former SCORCH Associate Editor,
although admitting to such a disgrace
may be detrimental to his alleged
writing career.)

by Swanee Larrison
for the SCORCH

Gone with the Winds of War
and Peace. By Herman Mitchell Tolstoy. 2046 pages. Epic
Publishing. $89.95.
Herman Tolstoy, as one wit
has put it, ''would charter the
Queen Mary to cross the San
Fransisco Bay.'' Since his
def-ection from Russia in 1975
on a hijacked Boeing 747,
Tolstoy has fascinated the
Western world with his penchant for massive publicity
stunts ·and equally imposing
literary works. His yen for doing things on a massive scale is

KOLB

·-1950

by no means missing from his
latest novel.
Gone with the Winds of
War and Peace may indeed be,
as his publisher claims, ''the
epic novel of all time.'' But I
doubt it. The book simply tries
to do too much. It opens in
Russia at the turn of the nineteenth century, plods through
war-torn Europe until 1820,
leaps ahead to the American
Civil War and ends on the eve
of World War II.
Despite his careful attention
to historical accuracy and an
engaging -- if sometimes
schizophrenic -- style, Tolstoy
has ruined a potential
masterpeice by overestimating
America's appetite for
monumental fiction.
Perhaps this should be two
-- or even three -- shorter

We now have 1550 offices from
Seattle to the Atlantic Ocean, ready
to serve you with every possible
financial service available . Of
course such service does not come
cheap -- we now have .0010 percent interest on savings accounts, a
$35-a-month service charge on
checking accounts and 75' percent
finance charges on major credit
cards. But isn't that a small price to
pay for the thrill of banking with a
financial monolith?

7TUA&P
fCWVlnT

Tolstoy to draw rather tenous
links among the three main
sections of the novel. (For example, Natasha -- a character
we first see in early nineteenth
century Russia -- is reincarnated first as a slave on a
Georgia plantation and later
as a Japanese diplomat in
Washington, D.C., in the
1930s.) It would also destroy
what little rationale Tolstoy
has for using the_ Russian
diminutive forms of the
characters' names -- an appropriate stylistic choice in the

Photo by NU

whatever continuity may have
been possible in later sections.
Brett -- a Civil War-era
character -- for example, is
variously referred to as Bretteshenka, Bretishka, Bartika
and Marvin.
The novel also leaves
something to be desired on the
thematic level. Apparently
Tolstoy's strategy is to bombard the reader with so many
characters (there are more
than 300 main characters and
a supporting mob of
thousands) that he or she will

- LAWN CARE continued from page 3

ding lawn care. Cutting more
than an inch is considered by
some to be detrimental to the
turf. And then, there are those
who say that it doesn't really
matter a whole lot.
The ways to cut the grass are
too numerous to mention
here. Manual vs. motorized, it
doesn't really matter, either. I
prefer forcing the many
disciples that worship the very
ground I tread upon to nibble
on it as though they were
cows. Sure, it's degrading and
humiliating for them, but I
never even give that a second
thought.
If you include all of the
above mentioned methods,
you can be assured of a fine
lawn and be the envy of all of
your neighbors.
Peace, love and complete
understanding to all!

The SCORCH darkroom, a family favorite for years, is this week's
Space on File for its unique collection of zany characters and weird
photographs.
Roomkeeper NU, an alleged SCORCH photographer and selfproclaimed "keeper of the flame," notes that the darkroom has had a
colorful, albeit somewhat twisted, history.
A once-new cement floor has been devastated by corrosive
chemicals which have eaten a huge hole into the ground, causing two
and perhaps three former SCORCH photogs to simply "disappear,"
NU says.
He also fondly remembers one incident where SCORCH Photo
Editor Nakid Fakirr developed malignant cysts from contact with
darkroom chemicals which, combined with radiation from the room's
safelights, caused the loveable college sophomore to "break out" up
and down his arms.

'Ir---~'
:tn

{ ~ h l l l l l ' I J I I F I J I I F l ~ I J I I F l ~ l ~ I .......,

'

Devilish
Performance
with every tankful!

Fire & Bra. mstone
/~

Chief
Gasoline

CAMPUS MINISTRY

!

•

Monday April 4:
"The Bible As Literature: Does
The Song of Solomon Violate Springfield's Obscenity Ordinance?"
Wednesday April 6:
"(Barney!): Man, Myth Or Deity?"
Friday April 8:
' "If Christ Returned Tomorrow,
, Would He Eat In The LCC Snack

'
,
'
,
'

' Bar?"

'
,

!
!

LUNCH HOUR ~ '
RAP SESSIONS •
Fr. Colt Derringer

THOUGHT FOR
THE WEEK:

'

'
,
'
'

!'
,
'

' "Make like, not war. See how '
' careful I am. "
,
'

identify with at least one of
them, slip into that character
for a bit and use that vantage
point to see the futility of war.
Frankly, it just doesn't
work. All we see is the futility
of trying to tie one hundred
and fifty years of history,
romance and intrigue into a·
single volume. If anyone could
do that, it's Tolstoy. But he's
failed here. One can only hope
that in his sequel, Tara, Tara,
Tara, which picks up the story
at the beginning of World War
II, Tolstoy will narrow his
scope and create a work of
slightly less monumental proportions. ' •• • \, • •:h

'Tolstoy has ruined a potential masterpiece'

The Darkroom

Now We're
Really Big!
First United Atlantic &
Pacific Citizens
Western Valley
Interstate
Savings & Loan

-------------------------

Spaces on File

Cottage Grove

Eight of your favorite banks and
thrift institutions (five of which were
themselves the products of
mergers) have joined to form

early Russian sections (though
even then keeping track of the •
characters becomes difficult at
times), but one which destroys

novels. This would certianly
ease the burden the novel imposes on the reader's time and
would eliminate the need for

Robert Kennedy '

~ ,.....1 ' 1 . . , . , ~ . . , _ , ~ ~ ~ _ . . , , ~ I J / l l r l J / l l r >

TRADER
BOB'S

Fireworks

Marital Aids
Novelties

01101:11

ftA\l
11

4 Street of the Hyenas
Kowloon , Hong Kong V4Q 069

The SCORCH April 1, 1983 · -March Jt, 1984 Page 5

\

_~-, ._
_,

',,
\

\

\'

SCORCH Editor Just Kidding carries a spartan array of
personal goods with him while making his rounds as
(according to Mass Comm department chair J.M.
Gladys Dunne) "the most powerful student on campus.
In Kidding's pack can be found a debate trophy to remind him of the glory days when he was a young Olympian forensic warrior. Of course his professions (writer
and macho "stud muffin'') are integral parts of his daily life, as evidenced by his choice of reading matter: The
Elements Of Style and Real Men Don't Eat Quiche. A
telephone enables Kidding to reach out and verbally flog
his SCORCH underlings, and his current mate (see
photo) has a special place in both his heart and pack.
But the body must be fed as well as the soul, and Kidding carries both solid (Ritz crackers) and powdered
(not readily visible) nourishment and an outsized utensil
/or delivering the latter to its port of entry.

In the true spirit of his position (No. 69), SCORCH
Staff Artist Bob Onit Bnusch drew his backpack, and
included such personal gems as his favorite book,
Gynecology Made Easy, his leather whip, and his personal secretary and sometimes gir/friend, Bu/f y. Bob
aspires to· the muc.h-revered post of personal artist to
Bob Guccione, publisher of Penthouse magazine.

SCORCH BACKPACKS
FOTOSSIJei

NAKID FAKIRR

An avid reader, SCORCH Photo Editor Nakid Fakirr
displays part of his vast collection of literary epics.
Among these: Growing Marijuana Indoors Under

Lights, How To Grow Psilocybin Mushrooms, Hamlet,
How To Control Your Drinking, Fear And Loathing In
Las Vegas (his guide to Jun in Eugene), and a volume by

his literary mainstay, Nietschze. Says Nakid, also a fan
of Alfred Hitchcock's Three Investigator series, "Es
velly velly good, I tink. Jes."

_.-•-··

_./

/

~r,-

:~l~:t ,
...

·. f1t . • ·,

r

SCORCH Associate Editor Mike Who?, once described
by Rolling Stone magazine as ''just not a very nice
guy, "has a backpack once described by Motor Trend as
"smooth with very few knocks. An excellent buy."
Once described by Newsweek as -"the lesser half of the
'Wonder Twins, ' '' (with Kidding), Mike's carry-all includes a sexual cry for help (his 'Play With Me' button),
a death wish (his cigarettes), several tomes of useless
trivia (bits of which he is compelled to relate each week),
and the strongest drugs he absorbs: Aspirin and
Maalox.

Page 6 April 1, 1983.- H

J

31, 1984 The SCORCH

SPR-O UTS

BiPeds oust rivals
to nab ACHE title
by Iken Flubbet
SCORCH Staff Writer

The Glenwood BiPeds and
the Veneta Locknees renewed
their bitter rivalry yesterday in
the Championship Final of the
American Conference of
Enthusiasts
Hackeysac
(ACHE). But the Locknees
dropped out to a strong offense by the BiPeds center
kickers, and sustained a
crushjng 120-115 defeat when
Charlie Horse tipped the sack
off his left metatarsal into the
far-out zone.
Marvin Gumshoe, guardback for the Bi's, said his team
training
been
has
"intensively" since March 30.
According to Gumshoe, his
team -- coming into the finals
in second place -- was
prepared. "When you can
hold a toothbrush with your
toes, and then brush your
teeth," said Gumshoe, "you
know · you 're on solid
ground."
After a slow start, the action

-~

-

got hot and heavy in the second half, when Peg Legg, of
the Locknees' starting line-up,
lobbed a serve into the BiPeds'
cool quadrant. When the dust
cleared from the ensuing
scramble two of the Bi's had
to be carried out of the
groove.
Will E. Spraynit sustained
an eye injury from a highback-hook-drop-kick. ''The
last thing I said, "he said, "was
the heel of a size 9EE
Birkenstock." And I. M. Bent
suffered so many dislocated
joints that it took two
chiropractors and a rolfing
technian to twist her into
shape. "It was frightening,"
she said later, '' I was walking
forwards, but looking where
I'd been!"
But those are the hazards
that makes the game so exciting and popular. And the
crowd at LCC yesterday got its
share of excitement as it
cheered the BiPeds to their
first place victory in the
ACHE finals.

THE BLUE AND THE GRAY -- LCC's
first intrasquad football scrimmage, between
the blue and the gray teams and played on
the north field March 28, had a predictable
result: A 3-3 tie. Says Lane quarterback
Bilious Greene, "offense-wise, it was

.. ~,1111 New independent league·1c;:rtri'ing
by Just Kidding
SCORCH Editor

Herpie the Love Bug
says:
"With friends like me,
you don't need enemies I"
"I know where ya live and I ain't shy about
visiting. And once I show up, I ain't in no hurry
to leave, either! l'I!' your guest for life!"

STUDENT
HEALTH
SERVICE

The formation of a new, independent local athletic league
is in the offing, according to
LCC Athletic Director Tom
Susan.
The new league, regulated
under the auspices of the
Eugene Parks and Recreation
department, will feature area
junior and senior high school
athletic teams as well as LCC
and U of O squads. The conference will support baseball,
basketball, football and tennis
teams, according to Susan.
The formation of the new
league comes in the wake of
numerous complaints about,
and defections from, the

""""""""" """ "" \"" "~·~ i"
""())IJ>~~~~•""""""""""
•"""""""""""""

• Born Again·. My Favorite Hy
mns
0 zzyO b
s oume
melette d u Fromage

• o

Police
• Fast Times A tThe
Con
Rural

• Ransack i:•dOak Ridge s:~~dated High
n

lousy." Coach Bail Dates added that the
respective defenses showed progress and
promised to be a factor in the Titans season
opener April 8 against North Eugene's
Highlanders. The game will began at 6 p.m.
on the North Eugene field.

Pillage

Nugent
• Put Me Out iJld
Misery
My
8 arry Manllow

•s••

• I've Sunk So Low
Paul McCartney & Ba"y White
• Not As Low As I Have
Ken·ny Rogers & Ethel Merman
• Some Emotional Tattoos
The Rolling Stones
• Live At The Tupelo Moose Lodge
Richard Pryor
• Noise
Electric Light Orchestra

Oregon Community Athletic
Association (OCCAA). Susan
and LCC's head coaches met
last week and agreed to leave
the conference. Susan then
met with UO Athletic Director
Rick Sound and area high
school P .E. department heads
and urged Eugene Parks to
sponsor the new league.
Although the level of competition will not initially be
what .the Titans teams have
come to expect during their
years in the OCCAA, Susan
says there should be some
challenging and interesting
play as the season progresses.
"We've never before had
the opportunity to play teams
at this skill level,'' she says,

pomtmg out that Roosevelt
Junior High Rough Rider
football and basketball teams
are much smaller than the
Titans and therefore ''play a
completely different type of
game than we're used to. We'll
have to adjust to lower passes,
closer shots, and so forth,''
she adds.
And how will the Titans fare
in the new league? "Well, it
should be tough,'' she says.
"We've had scouts out for
most of the week, and I
understand that North and
South Eugene High's tennis
teams are looking tough for
next year. And then there's the
football teams. We'll really
have to be on our toes next
season."

DID YOU KNOW?
That Tom Selleck is actually a transsexual?
That tennis rackets strung with catgut smell like fish?
That the size of a man's hands, feet and nose means he has
big gloves, shoes and glasses?
That SCORCH Editor Just Kidding is actually the heir to
the throne of Lenexa, Kansas?
That the Grand Canyon is actually a fluke of nature that
was supposed to be Crater Lake but got redirected?
That this Did You Know? box is nothing more than a sorry
excuse to fill space each week?

HICC
ITTiiJ GJVoU
7:35 p.m.

8:10 p.m.

Some thneago... -

L'EMPIRE CONTREATTAQUE. Part 5 - "A
Job for Theodore."
Luke, Han and the others
are startled by the sudden
appearance of Beaver
Cleaver, sent into the
future by Eddie Haskell's
time machine to combat
the evil Darth Vader and
his sidekick Lumpy.
SONGS OF WEALTH,
AND
HAPPINESS
STABILITY. The Best of
Nelson Rockefeller.

11:33 a.m. MODERN MORON .
Part 6. New Wave hero
Gnarly Gross com bats the
Grammy-winning
pop/rock group Toto in
this installment of the Nat io na l Putrid Radio
(NPR)-sponsored series.
Friday, Sept. 15 t!fift@M@)ittWli#l/fII
7:/3:55.4

The SCORCH April 1, 1983 - Marelr Ji, 1984 Page 7

A NEW FOLK PROGRAM. This twiceweekly feature explores
the rapidly growing field
of cloning or, as downhome philospher and
scientist Jacques Bonet
puts it, "Making new
folks."

10-ish

NEW DIMENSIONS.
This week: 8x6x5.

11 p.m.

HISTORY
IRISH
MONTH. "The Potato
Noted
Famine.''
leprechaun Twinkie Wigglesworth unveils his new
cookbook, "Julienne or
Scalloped: The Earth Apple Dilemma" in this
hour-long special.

9:56 a.m.

BOYS 'N' BERRY JAM.
Local psychologists
discuss the desires and
motivations of prepubescent men working at the
Smuckers Jelly Plant in
Goshen.

Saturday, Dec. 22 ;··mmt;:_:_::v?\Wt@':.i/\.
6:15 p.m. A HOMELY PRAIRIE
COMPANION. Country
Cookbook Recipe 17:
Twelve ways to roast a
prairie dog.
10:14 a.m. MUD-COVERED MOMMA. In this week's
episode, Momma confronts the IRS and
demands that pet alligator
Gummy be included as a
tax deduction.

Sunday, March 6
11:11 a.m. THIS SUNDAY MORNING. News of the Planet
Communistvia
sponsored "notes in bottles" networks around the
globe.
10:33: Red Scare tactics
by the ghost of Sen.
Joseph McCarthy. James
J. Kilpatrick moderates.
10:45: Six-way Radio.
Each week a new topic of
controversy. We invite
listeners to come in and
probe our expert guest
with a splintered tongue
depressor.

Noon

1:01

BIG BAND BASH. Live
from Passaic, N.J. This
week, Benny Goodman's
Band is destroyed by an
angry mob of Van Halen
worshippers.
AFTERSUNDAY
NOON. The best in Bible
study featuring Rex Humbard, Jerry Falwell and a
host of bouffaint hairdos.

All crassified advertisements offifteen
words or less are extremely expensive
for LCC students. Deadline is
whenever we damn well please, so piss
off!

A wife, good cook a must. Must be
willing to do anything l command and
able to interpret my every whim. lf interested contact Jerry deSade.
Chicago-60608.

FOR SALE

SERVICES

A rare South American coffee bean
grower named Juan Valdez. The poor
f el/a really needs a good home and is
fairly articulate for his breed.
Chicago-60608.

You guessed it! Prostitutes! All sizes,
shapes and colors. Reply Madame
Smythes.

Parting out -- '33 Bentley - mint condition and ready 4 U! Come on by and
take it out for a test spin.
Berkeley-425 70.
Brand new never before released songs
by that zany group of dudes, "The
Beatles" and if you act right now we'll
include brand new fotos, too.
Wilmington-77623.
Water pick, warranty still good. Only
used at parties. Call Rick -Ghana-21213.
Editor -- never used! Be the first to
break this crazy guy in. Reply
SCORCH offices.(token ad).
A big car, pretty wheels, and a little
raaabbbiitttt in the back. Ask for
George.
A piece of the action, cheap! Call
777777777 for details.
WANTED

Twenty seven rodents for human sexuality experiment. Alive ifpossible but
ok if dead. Cannot be decomposed.
EXT. 8767.
Non-smoking woman who's into
feminism, Gestalt, vegetarian cooking
and Batman to babysit me at oil times
of the day and night. Ask for Conrad
Ext. 3490
Wanted: A country of my own. l must
have own country. It is the will of the
people! Call Tripo/i-45367, ask for Big
Daddy.

MESSAGES

Bobby - Herpy the love -bug payed a
visit and is here to stay! Ha! Better see
a doctor - Suzi.
Thimon - latht weekend wath topth,
ethpecially when you were on top Thidney.
B-29: You are the green lace on my
harness! -- CJPO.
Has anyone seen my radical left wing
ultra-conservative, pet group of
republican swine underclassmen?
R.S.C. -- Recycling helps keep me
unemployed! -- Former land rapist.
Samuel -- What ever happened to
babies Jane, Sissy, Samuel Jr., Samuel
lll, Samuel IV, and for that matter all
of the rest?
Loosey -- You are a true brunette!
Who would have guessed -- Jackson.
Mom and Dad -- I hate your guts, why
did you bring me into this world -Mutant scum.
Luuuucy -- l brought Ceasar Romaro
home for dinner! -- Ricky.
Earthlings! -- You will obey, prepare
for the dalek invasion of LCC -- The
Supreme Dalek.
Bhagwan died for somebody's sins.
Doctor Tushface -- lf you can get me
the entire Marvin Gaye catalog, I'll
forget what l saw you do in back of
the weight room -- Doctor Sc_hlubb

From the A.SOLE
by Twisted ASOLE Officers

3:13 p.m.

NIGHT
WOMEN'S
OUT. Dead air time while
female announcer Lilah
Smith steps out to grab a
brew at the Suds Factory.

THE
FROM
RIGHTSIDE. A collection of short quotes from
this week's Republican
newsmakers.
Tuesday, Feb. 9 .}, ..:>. ...·../ ...·.,.. ¥--.. .-.Ci:?
11:23 a.m. CHAMBER MUSIC LINCOLN CENTER.
Recorded during the
1982-83 season of the
Chamber Music Society
of the Lincoln Center.
Tonight's guest, wellknown masher Studs
Jergens, will attempt to
cram the Philadelphia
Philharmonic into a
phone booth.
Midnight

Noon

OLD WINE. News and
views for those of us who
don't want to know
what's really happening
and don't care. This
D.
Dwight
week:
Eisenhower on aging.

ASHLAND REVIEW .
Respected metropolitan
design critic Fred Crafts
takes a tour of Oregon's
Shakespearean drama
stronghold and complains
a lot.
Wednesday, June 18

7:30 p.m.

6 a.m.

FOCUS ON JAZZ. A
Ray Charles Retrospective.

10:10 a.m.

YAZ ALIVE! The Boston
Red Sox outfielder relives
his life and times on the
team and on the wagon.
Next week: (Reggie!)

Teddy -- We're sorry you're dead but
we really don't miss you. Why do you
think we "forgot" you when we moved to Dumb, you snotty little brat? -Ms. Darci and The Gang
Save electricity: Use the kind that need
batteries! -- A Helpful Friend

for the SCORCH

• ASOLE Treasurer A.M. Munition returned today
from a one week stay with the Bagwhan Rajneesh to inform the senate that he is resigning to dedicate his life to
the protection of religious freedom of gays in Latin
America. Munition will be leaving after his marriage to
a Xerox copy of the author of this column. The happy
couple is requesting that in lieu of gifts, contributions be
sent to the IBM home for retired Xerox machines.
• President Chiquita Banana is also leaving the senate.
This being the season for weddings, Chiquita will finally
marry the man of her dreams, Lt. Col. Steppen
Wolfbane. At last the truth is known: While all of this
time we believed Banana to be opposed to ROTC on
moral grounds, it was actually a case of a ''woman
scorned." Chiquita will wear a gown sewn of army
green, carry a bouquet of hand grenades, and has picked as her weddding march a moving rendition of
"You're In The Army Now." Unlike Munition and his
bride, this loving couple will not only expect gifts, any
guest showing up without a token of their love and
esteem will be shot on sight.
• Despite the defection of Banana and Munition, the
Senate will live on. ASOLE Secretary Mary Lou Aira
has finally shown her true self. Arriving in the office in
six-inch spike heels, black lace stockings, and a skin
tight dress adorned with bangles, she informed the
Senate that fur is to be used as the new wall covering.
She strongly requested that we use only the fur of endangered animals. All communication with the
secretary will be typed at least two days in advance with
death being the only excuse. This new policy covers
phone calls, also. She is also the new Air Force recruiter
on campus. Rumor has it that these changes came about
due to her affair with CIA member Jeremy Gerber.
• ·c ultural Director Celestial Power will still bring
great cultural events to our campus. Slated for early
April will be several fights between Christians and lions;.
the torture of live peasants; and at least one auto-de-f~y. ·,~

Jackson -- You are a true redhead -Loosey.
Whinny -- were you really all that nervous or were you and those other girls
just playing with my head? -- POO.
Honey, I know you didn't mean it but
that's the breaks, isn't it?

Would someone please explain all this
(Barney!) stuff? It's so damn old, I'm
sick and tired of it! SICK! So stop it!
Won Hong Low: It is truly written
that a crowded elevator smells different to a dwarf

C3PO -- Stop sucking your thumb! -Doctor Schlubb: How about .r -------------- -------------- ---.
Washington Federals! DI
Tush/ace is pumped! L 'Chaim!

Scorchies -- I confess, I hav
quite the tyrant of late. B
without reason -- I'm in char
you all work for me! If yo
stand the heat, stay out of the k
-- Ed.
Doctor Tush/ace -- Stop tr
change the subject. Either l gt
Motown sides or you're in hot,
Doctor Schlubb
Chief· Stop worrying -- l n,
power and prestige of your jo'
fish needs a bicycle. Ass. E(n)
Doctors Tush/ace and Sch.I
Report to my office immE 1
You're both in hot water! --1
I
Hoefer

- - - - - - - - - -1

Everyone who voted against 1
should be keelhauled, dra1'
quartered, flogged, decapita !
boiled in oil! What? It posse,
they should anyway! IF J
NOT PART OF THE SOLC
YOU'RE WORTHLESS! -- 1
B-29 and C3PO: How abou1
some? Meet you Friday nigh
Willie's -- Honey and Pie
Danny, Roy, Susie and R
Let's pretend we're old enor,
into bars on Friday night. It
totally awesome! -- Fergus
OOOOOOOOHHHHH H,
am the kind that forgives a
-- Pie

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Page 8 April 1, 1983 - 1'f lllf71t, 1984 The SCORCH

Ominous- Gathering -------

ECHRD meeting slated

Career talk April 14

Reagan film reissued

YMCCG swim clinics

A special mid-month meeting of the Eugene
Council for Human Rights in Detroit will be held
at 5:30 p.m. on Tuesday, April 19 in room 303 of
the council's complex, 122 E. 7th, Eugene.
The special session will explore the recent
apathy epidemic sweeping over Motown and its
effects on that city's auto-oriented industry. Experts from Ford, Chrysler and GM will discuss
how their respective companies are making a
profit from the apathy virus as they combine the
best aspects of all three companies to create the
"Care-Car," due on the market in early 1985.
Chrysler Corp. Chairman Lee Iaccoca will also
discuss the dilemma of wearing Gucci loafers and
Yves St. Laurent suits on television while
simultaneously holding down a $1 per year job.

LCC's Career Information Center will sponsor
another in_a never-ending series of career talks at
12 noon in the boardroom on April 14.
Entitled "Where Do We Go From Here: What
Happens, What Doesn't and Who Cares," the
talk will center on the cluelessness of most LCC
graduates, who find themselves unemployed and
starving after spending two years in an LCC program.
The talk will feature Uncle Ray, noted Eugene
philanthropist and perpetuator of the public
dole, who will discuss his philosophy of life.

Ronald Reagan's only "blue" movie, Fiscal
Responsibility OR: Why Buy A Cow When
Milk's So Cheap? will be shown at 7:30 p.m.
April 5 in the U of O's Erb Memorial Ballroom.
The controversial 1937 release features Reagan
in a variety of roles, from a black-hatted smalltown proctologist to a New York City typewriter
repairman. He encounters several young women
. throughout the film, among them former EPA
Administrator Anne Burford, who plays an
abandoned six-year-old in her first-ever film
role.
The film is sponsored by Hung Pictures and
the Lane County Democratic Party. For more information, call 747-4555.

The Young Men's Christian Charity Group
will begin its spring session of swim classes at the
YMCCG pool at 7:30 p.m. on Wednesday, April
20.
The swim classes are designed to teach impressionable youngsters (8 years old and under) that
swimming is another way of worshipping God.
Shark attack defense and seal clubbing will also
be covered to give the tots a view of what ''the
real sea world is like," says Eugene YMCCG
Swim Captain Lutes Ferdinand.
Ferdinand adds that, for a seperate fee,
children can learn on-land Christian Defense
techniques that will "repel hedonistic, devilworshipping hippies and Moonies."

LCC performance slated

SCORCH open house

LCC's Dental Hygiene department will present
a two-hour musical review, Happy Tooth Goes
To Turlock at 8 p.m. on April 17 in the LCC
Blue Door Theatre.
Using musical numbers and short skits, the
review chronicles the adventures of Happy
Tooth, the American Dental Association's
trademark character for dental care, as he travels
to Turlock ("It's not the end of the world but
you can see it from there"), California.
Happy Tooth encounters the evils of Decay,
Sugar, and Irregular Brushing during his
wanderings, but in the end flossing wins out over
plaque and all are saved.
For ticket information, contact the Dental
Hygiene department at ext. 5660.

Anti-astrology lecture

The SCORCH staff is pleased to invite
members of the campus and community to an
"open house" from 2-4 p.m. on April 16 in
Center room 205.
During the first 45 minutes, the staff will present a slide show narrated by the attractive and
vivacious Lucky Hopper . The show will explain
SCORCH muckraking techniques and the fine
art of terrorizing story subjects.
SCORCH Editor Just Kidding will also
distribute the first edition of his new book,
"Twisted Minds and Forgotten Assignments:
The 1982-83 SCORCH," which explores the
social behaviors of SCORCH staff members and
maligns everyone from Dean of Instruction
Harry Rasputin to Dr. Hoefer himself.
The public is invited to attend. For more information, contact Student Records at ext. 8893.

Noted realist and journalist James J.
Kilpatrick will discuss the futility of trying to run
one's life by the stars in a lecture beginning at
7:30 April 12 in the U of O's Erb Memorial
Union.
Kilpatrick, a Scorpio, will show how the stars
had absolutely nothing to do with his rise to prominence as an ultra-conservative, neo-Nazi
writer. The public is invited to attend.

The April 27 meeting of the "All Dressed Up
with No Place to Go" club has been cancelled,
according to club spokesperson Muffy McDermott. The meeting has been rescheduled to May
3 and will begin at "oh, let's say sevenish," says
McDermott.

Rogers to appear at LCC
For the third consecutive year, celebrated TV
personality Fred Rogers, of "Mr. Rogers'
Neighborhood" fame, will appear in the south
end of the cafeteria from 3-4 p.m. on Thursday,
April 21.
Rogers, who has invited LCC and U of 0
students as well as area high school students to
his free lecture on the "Joys of Depravity," will
also be selling tickets to the Land of MakeBelieve for "three dollars a hit," he says. Will
students turn out for his talk? "Sure. I think they
will."

Welding anxiety group
A drop-in support group for those enrolled in
the welding program at LCC is held every
Wednesday from 2-3 p.m. in the cafeteria.
The group explores how welding can be combined with automotive maintenance courses to
create an automotive "space" for each student.
Anxieties resulting from this sudden spiritual and
emotional rush are dealt with at each week's session.

Fake IDs offered
Fake photo ID cards for LCC students are
available through the Student Resource Center
(SRC).
The fake IDs allow under-age LCC students to
get into bars and purchase alcohol in most
Eugene-area stores.
Cost for the fake IDS is $300, an exorbitant
sum charged "for the risk we're taking," says
SRC Director Fishy Rogers. The SRC is located
on the second floor of the Center building.

Another speaker . ..
Juan Epstein, late of Welcome Back, Kotter,
will be the ninth speaker in a series of 25 who will
discuss "El Salvador: Land of Hope, Prosperity
and Opportunity" at the Erb Memorial Union
ballroom at 8 p.m. on April 30.
Epstein's talk will center on the Latin
American country's little-recognized tourist industry, which pumps some $346 into the
economy each year.
Epstein will also give a slide show presenting
many of the high points on the government's
"Kill or Be Killed" three-week tour.
For more information, contact the Erb at
686-1212 or the Underground Guerilla Front at
747-8892.

ADU/WNPTG meet
cancelled

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