The Blowtorch April 1, 1986 Page 1

the

Low spring enrollment prompts
innovative cuts, backyard marijuana
by Ann Thensome

by Irma Armchair

TORCH Editor

BLOWTORCH Funny Farm Person

President Twirler announced today, that no one would
escape the consequences of a
new round of bud.get cuts
necessitated by an all-timelo w spring enrollment.
"Name your favorite part of
LCC," he said sadly, "and
watch about 1/4 of it curl up
and die." But, he states,
''This has always been an innovative college, and our
cuts are no exception.''
Another seven million
dollars must be cut from this
year's budget, due to a drop
in FTE tallying in at approximately 1584, according to
Vice President of Money and
Numbers, Phil Cherry. ''It's
going to be a tough one,''
says Cherry, "since we've
already trimmed out all uf
the fat in previous cuts, the
new cuts will hack away at
the muscle and vital organs
of the college." But he adds,
"we've tried to be as fair as
possible.''
The fourth floor of the
Center Building will be sealed off for the rest of Spring
Term, starting Friday, April
4. All class activities
formerly located in this space
will be cancelled. Students
and faculty will have the rest
ot this,,week to remove their
belongings. Administration
officials say they realize this
may be a hardship for many,
but they point out that it may
increase campus efficiency
overall.

Necessity is the mother of
invention. LCC
needs
funds, the administration invents. Summer Term will offer a new avenue of revenue
for the ailing college coffers
with the establishment of an
Agricultural Program.
Based on a recent study by
LCC' s Productivity Center,
President Twirler authorized
formation of the new program. In his proposed report
to the Board of Education,
Twirler expressed sincere
hopes for approval.

The fourth floor of the LCC's Center Building will be sealed off starting April 4th [or the duration of Spring Term, allowing Language Arts, Social Science, Study Skms, the Computor Lab and Student Government to take an unexpectea break. Officials apologize for any inconvenience, and say they hope the new
backyard Agricultural Program will provide funds to reopen the area next Fall.
One anonymous administrative source says,
''The Language Arts Department and student government offices are up there, .
and they waste an awful lot
of time talking amongst
themselves. If we can channel all that wasted energy into something more useful,
we might be able to bootstrap
this college right out of it's
financial quagmire.''

LCC under cover
by Smelly Hay Day
BLOWTORCH Fiction Writer

No more rain. Nor snow,
nor sleet, nor hail. Nor bird
poop. LCC has finally decided to build a dome.
In a unanimous vote last
week, the LCC Board of
Education allocated funds for
the construction of a highquality, transparent dome to
cover the college and surrounding campus.
When asked where the
sudden windfall came from,
LCC' s President Twirler
said, ''I've been trying to
keep it quiet, but the time
has come when that's no

longer possible. The budget
cuts at the college have been
geared toward this goal from
the start.
''People at the college have
asked me to start listening
more, so I'm listening. What
I've heard are a lot of complaints. If it's not one thing,
it's another, and it's all coming down at once. This dome
will at least keep the rain and
the bird droppings from
coming down around our
ears."
Construction should begin
by Fall Term of 1986, after all
the bids tor the project are
evaluated and the best firm is
contracted for the job.

A cut in janitorial services
will necessitate each student
signing up for one hour of
mandatory clean-up each
week. Students who fail to
perform their duties will
receive no credit for classes.
Bathroom supplies, such as
toilet paper, paper towels,
and seat covers, will no
longer be supplied. This, too,
will have its positive side effects, says Vice President for
Student Commerce, Jack
Barter. The entire west wall
of the bookstore has been
stocked with a wide variety
of hygienic paper products,
ranging from low-cost
generic TP to the more trendy and spendy paisley and.
camouflage seat covers.
Barter sees it as both a
money-maker for the college,
and a chance for more excitement in a traditionally
uninspiring situation.
'' Some days toileting time is
the only break students get,''
he points out, '' so why not
make the most of it."
Since 1/4 of the library staff
must be cut, students who
wish to check out books and
other materials from the
library will only be able to
have 3/4 of what they want.
Every fourth item will be
denied. This will result in
other cost savings, for the

library, such as ink for the
ink pads.
-' 'Even the most seemingly
insignificant economy must
not be overlooked in times
like these,'' states Phil
Cherry.
The music department
must quit using both the
highest and lowest octav.es,
based on the piano
keyboard. President Twirler,
an accomplished pianist who
holds a doctorate in music
says, "This cuts me to the
core, but I don't want to be
accused of favoritism.
Eliminating these octaves
will speed up teaching and
practice time, by at least a
fourth, thus allowing more
students to use the practice
rooms and teachers to give
more attention to the middle
octaves.''
To cut cafeteria costs, the
areas within 3 feet of windows in any buildings will be
fitted with hydroponic tanks,
which will then provide
many of the vegetables used
by food services. One-fourth
of all gymnasium floors will
also be appropriated for the
tanks which will also house
fish-farms.
And competitive sports
will be entirely eliminated,
thus solving the problem of
what part to cut out of The
TORCH.

''It's a step in the right
direction,'' he said in the
proposal letter. ''The tension
on campus has been difficult
for all of u . This new program could provide increased FTE, a source of substantial income for the college,
and tremendous national
recognition.''
The primary agricultural
endeavors will center around
proper care and development of individual marijuana
plants. It's estimated that
with the passage of the
Oregon Marijuana Initiative
in November, there'll be increased interest in the
technical aspects of crop production. And there'll be an
increased need for qualified
growers.
In an attempt to meet the
market demand for skilled
growers, Oregon colleges are
gearing up for increased
summer enrollments. Twirler
feels this is LCC' s opportunity to once again lead the nation in educational innovations.
''Here at LCC, we have
what it takes to be the best.
We have enthusiastic
students, we have a supportive community, and we
have dedicated faculty. We
also have land that's ready to
dedicate to the program."
The ground to be used is
currently behind the
greenhouse between the
Forum Building and the
Science Building. Materials
recycled from the upper portion of the Center Building
(see story on page 1) will be
used to build a protective
wall around the area, and
scanner radar dishes will be
used to alert the college to
possible trespassing.

Page 2 April 1,1986 The Blowtorch

LCC ducks incredibly Former vice presidential candidate
coifed for spring
reveals opinions in Eugene
by Smelly Hay Day

BLOWTORCH Fiction Writer

Spring. That time of year
when tfie birds and the bees
slough off that winter fat and
show their stuff with style.
And never before have
LCC's ducks had a better
chance of attracting their
mates.
The improvement in their
appearances has been notic-

the run-off f_i:om the showers
is beginning to take on a
mud-like texture. When it,
flows on to mingle with the
rest of the slough that the
ducks inhabit, the fowl
benefit with flashier feathers.
With feathers like armor,
another benefit is protection
from predators. Most carnivores prefer organic meals
that aren't seasoned to taste
like John Revolta's scalp.
And with the stiff chemical

When former national vice presidential candidate Gerry Ferraro stopped in Eugene on a campaign tour a
couple weeks ago, the BLOWTORCH asked her what she thought of President Reagan's policies in Centra1 America. Without hesitation, Ferraro responded, "It's the pits." And what is her opinion on the
Senate's recent vote for Contra aid? "That's the pits too," she replied. And what's her opinion on the effects of the Gramm Rudman cuts to higher education? "Those pits are so big," she remarked, "I hope you
students will be able to find your way around them. ''

~-

ed by several local birdwatchers, who prompted The
BLOWTORCH to dig up an
explanation. Our investigative reporting team
has discovered that the
ducks are finding their
fe th
ea ier o
with a little help
showering co-eds.
From the short, spikey
mohawk to the elaborately
"feathered" look, the styles
are kept in place longer with
mousse-saturated pond
water. With so many
students who use styling
mousse showering after P. E.,

coating, predators find it
hard to get past the crisp
outer coating to the meat inside without painfully chipping a tooth.
The effect on the waterfowl's innards has yet to be
studied. But as the rate of attraction - between --b1rcts
climbs, the population explodes, so any nit-picky
details, such as premature
death by chemical poisoning,
will be counter-balanced
with the next generation's
climb in numbers.
As they say at the U of O,
"Go ducks!"

No, not Val Brown

LCC's ducks beat U of O's
by Zimmie Whimperwoman
BLOWTORCH Whipcracker

A pre-season game last
Saturday between two tough
Eugene Pond teams- bodes
for a lively season to come.
In the first civil war of the
duck racing season, LCC' s
Parnell Pond Paddlers waddled to a close win over U of
O's Mill Race Mallards.
''The Mallards have a big
strong first team,'' said head
Coach Quail Fates before the
game. '·But we've been out
here paddling every day
since March 1, fair weather
or fowl, and I'm confident

Val invades LCC

by Darrell Foxx

BLOWTORCH Fiction Writer

Look out LCC students,
we're being invaded by
valley talkers!
The Admissions and
Athletic Departments have
done such a good job of
recruiting California students
to LCC that now the college
has a problem with valley
talk.
Over 1,000 Californians at
LCC this year are from the
San Fernando Valley, where
valley talk started, and have
been affectionately named
''valley students.''
Asked why he decided to
come to Lane, Chris
Crankshaft, a valley guy
says, "I like had to get away
from the groady smog down
there, you know; it was like
gagging me out.''
The new wave of valley
talkers at LCC has started to
affect the innocent Oregon.

students, and has caused
communication problems.
Most instructors and resident
students can't translate
valley talk. But since it is being forced on them every
day, they are starting to
speak it themselves.
Ella Vader, an experienced
valley girl comments, "Fer
sure, fer sure this college is
totally awesome, especially
the fountains. I've never
seen a school with its own
fountains, you know.''
Valley talk has given the
English language a new un-:
canny twist like a big
American can opener.
Valley students use a lot of
similes in their speech. For
example, Tim Berr was heard
saying, ''I like it a lot better
in Oregon than in California
or else I wouldn't be here,
you know. What can I say
about Cal -- it's like put me
on ·a rollercoaster and watch
me throw up."

Valley students have learned that wood products are
the main industry in Oregon,
so they have dedicated a new
phrase to Oregon. Don't be
suprised if you hear a valley
girl going around campus
saying, "Gag me with a
chain saw, like really."
Valley students have only
one complaint about Oregon,
the weather.
"I'm used to massively
sunny days in Cal. This rain
all t.ne time really bums me
out, you know. It's like a
radical change for me, but I
can handle it,'' says Al
Catraz.
So don't be shocked if you
hear two students carrying
on an unusual conversation
like, "Hey dude, nice duds.
You wanna go scarf in the
cafeteria? I hear they have a
totally gnarley salad bar, but
stay away from the groady
burgers .... okay sounds
tubular."

the win'll be duck soup."
The Mallards are big. So
big, there have been rumours
of web-enhancing drugs in
sports circles.
''That's reduckulous, ''
claimed Mallard Coach
Down Swanson in a pre-race
interview. '' Any suggestion
of fowl play is for the birds."
Swanson's team has also
come under quack-attack
from U of O fans, enraged at
the team's name change.
''Well really, we seem to
have been fair game for just
about every insult and accusation in the book. There
was the drug incident, and
now this.
''We were simply getting
too much riduckule from
other teams before the name
change,". said Swanson, adding, "I understand it. 'U of
0 Ducks' isn't a very original
name for our team."
While the name change
may have stopped some of
the quackling, it didn't stop
the Paddlers from beating
the Mallards, three out of
five races. Lester Quackson
and Dave Feather led the
flock in scoring.
''This should keep the
Mallards from shooting off
their bills about being from a
'real' pond," Quackson was .
heard to say as the race drew
to a close.
But by the time of the postgame banquet, all differences
seemed to have flown south.
Players from both teams congratulated each other -on
their ducksesses, and
fowlures were forgotten over
a hardy meal of tender spring
shoots and scrumptious stale
bread crusts.
After all is said and done,
birds of a feather flock
together.

Teacher: You should have
been here at 8:30.
Student: Why? Did anything
unusual happen?
Have you heard the story
about how to keep a real jerk
in suspense?
We'll print it for you next
week.
What's faster than the speed
of light?
A yuppie in a BMW on the
way to a Rolex watch sale.

BLowfoRcH
11lE BOSS: Irma Armchair
WHIPCRACKER:
Zimmie Wimperwoman
LEFTOVERS: Ann Thensome
SPUDSPERSON: Da"ell Foxx
SNAPSHOOTER: Frank N. Stein
ASSISTANT SNAPSHOOTER:
R. U. Kidding

.

PIX PERSONS: Wrathov Hahn, Ash
C,m Dump, Phyllis Photog, File Foto,
Anon E. Mouse
FICTION FOOLS: Smelly Hay Day,
Miga Lito, Darrell Foxx, Zimmie
Wimperwoman, Irma Armchair, Ann
Thensome
HEAD PASTER-UPPER: Mal A. Blue
ALL 11lE LITnE PASTIES: The same
bunch listed as Fiction Fools, with the
addition of Gerg Smailliw
ADMAN: Gerg Smailliw
DISTRIBUTION: Vinnie, Mikee, and
Annie
DOODLER: Mui A. Blue
RECEPTIONIST: Was on vacation; we
just let the phone ring and ring.
COFFEE ANSUCH: Smelly Hay Day
CHIEF NAG: Dorlh
GOD: Ralph Ralpherson

The BLOWTORCH is a student-contrived
newspaper blatantly published once a year
on April Fool's Day. News stories are shortwinded, full of hot air, and are purposely
blown all out of proportion. There is no intent to be fair or balanced; the unbalanced
nature of this staff makes such ncmesense
possible, and the bylines have been changed
to protect the delicate egos of the maniacs
who wrote all this stuff.
News features, because of their borderline
value, are full of value judgements ,ind
biases on the part of the fictionalists. These
authors are also incriminated with balogna
bylines.
We left out "Forums" and "Letters To
The Editor" because this is cm/ya four-page
paper and that stuff is always so longwimled.
"Omniums" serve as a public announcement forum, but the public wasn't for 'em in
this issue so we didn't print 'em.
All correspondence must be accompanied
by five dollars cash or coupons good for free
meals 11t c!Jlssy restaurants 11round town.
Letters must be signed in blood, and even
then there's no guarantees or promises we'll
do anything with them.
We'd print our location, but there isn't
enough space left.

The Blowtorch April 1, 1986 Page 3.

Creative suffering
... and more
Next Fall, students at LCC will be able to enroll in a variety
of new classes being offered for the first time as well as quite
possibly the last time. Enrollment will be limited to how ever
~any students the instructor feels like teaching on the first
day of class.
Grades will be optional, but are not recommended.
Students who do not meet the prerequisites will still be able
to weasel their way into most classes. Just tell instructors the
Blowtorch said it was okay. We're not grading you, so what
the heck!
SELF IMPROVEMENT

SIMlOO Creative Suffering
SIM104 Whine Your Way to Alienation
HOME ECONOMICS

EC405 Cultivation of Diseases in Your

Refrigerator
EC403 How To Convert Your Kirby Vacuum
To a Fully Automatic Rifle
BUSINESS & CAREER

B&ClO0 Money Can Make You Rich
B&ClOl Looters Guide to American Cities
CRAFTS
C104 Gifts For the Senile
ClOS Bonsai Your Pet
C106 Do It Yourself Surgery
HEALTH
HEA204 Biofeedback ahd How To Stop
HEA205 Skate Yourself To Regula~ity

Budgetary cutbacks are forcing LCC to drop some of its
most popular classes. We mourn the following losses:
EC408 Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
EC409 Convert Your Wheelchair into a
Dunebuggy
EC410 Cat Hair Macrame
HEA206 Necessary Body Functions
HEA207 Optional Body Functions
SIM101 Overcoming Peace of Mind
SIM102 You And Your Birthmark
SIM103 Guilt Without Sex
B&C104 Career Opportunities in El Salvador
B&C105 Packaging and Selling Your Child

For Summer excitement
visit Mental Block City
by Darrell ~oxx

BLOWTORCH Travel Consultant

year long,
the
pro Welcome to Mental Block
ponents of City in the state of ConfuApril Fool's sion, home of the largest
Day reason- herd of cliches running wild.
ed the nation This place should be first and
would truly foremost on your summer
benefit from travel list.
a single day
Mental Block is about as exwhich
citing as Boring, Ore. It has a
recognized population of 25, including
the legality the sheriff, the postman, two
of practical families, and their dogs.
jokes. They
According to long-time
also thought resident, Mayor I. M.
they'd sell Dumm, the major entertainmore
ice ment in town is "sittin' on
cream
the porch and watching the
Go~ern- town's only street light
h
ment agen- c ange. This really fascinates
cies don't the folks. We really get ex1221 A· D • close on this cited when the light changes
when the
ho Iida y . yellow, because it happens
King of Pun- Schools and so fast, and not very often."
nery, Je ster banks all stay
During the hot summer,
IX, decreed a
f
national holi- open and
or all practical purposes, acday for the g e n e r a 11 y tivities become extremely exsake of good have a great citing. This is the best season
time. Most for tourists. They can witness
humor.
Seven cen- businesses the pavement on Main
turies later, continue, but Street, the only street in
an ice cream it
is town, bubble up. By an overcompany in estimated whelming majority, people
M a d i s o n that workers think this is the most exciting
Wisconsin spend
time of the year. Even innoreinsta ted billions of cent bystanders stop on the
the
waged hours spur of the moment to take
laugnaoiTity~ll~ ca~+.1c,------~l..;J:;f:. ~ • ,t• u ~ ~ .
of the pun others legs.
Junior Mint, a local
bb. d As a result, youngster comments, "The
and 1 ie
every b O dy pavement can blow better
Congress for stands a little bubbles than I can with my
passage of a taller for the bubble gum. I think it's fun
few going out and popping
national holi- first
day honor- weeks
in them~"
•
However, his mother says
ing all April April.
F 0 0 1s •
But unfor- there are dire consequences
Acknowled- t
t l
when she catches him doing
u n a e Y'
ging the fact
that good very fe w 0 f this. She considers it a
humor and the jokesters drastic mistake on his part.
bad humor remember to He knows he will receive a
both
run eat
ice fate worse than death when
rampant all cream.
Dear Banana
Split,
How the
heck
did
April Fool's
Day
get
s tarte d
anyway?
Signed,
Sloof Lirpa
Dear Sloof,
Well, not
to
inake
foolery or
folly
of
serious matters, the first
A ril F00l'
P
s
Day
was
celebrated in

°

Survival story moving account

Book Review by Zimmie
Whimperwoman
BLOWTORCH Whipcracker

What kind of person hangs
out near trash bins in innercities, harassing innocent
passersby for spare change in
order to buy -- not booze -but books?
Students in the post
Gramm-Rudman era.
So says I. M. Poor, author
of the recent best-seller,
''Post Gramm-Rudman Survival Techniques for the Student."
Poor, a forr.er student
himself until recent budget
cuts forced him into lucrative
entrepreneurship, offers
helpful hints for students
forced to take drastic
measures in an age of zilch
financial aid.
Poor has done extensive
research with pioneers in the
field of cut-rate survival,
French doctors, Bumme and
Vagrante.

This moving account of the
scientist's struggle traces the
attempt
of
Bumme,
Vagrante, and Poor himself,
in their efforts to find the
perfect balance of miserable
poverty and exhaustion
without total annihilation
and insanity for the student.
You feel the excitement
when the three scientists
believe they have finally
found the quintessential diet
for base student existence:
bean sprouts, raw tofu (a
strange soy bean derivative
tasting suspiciously of stale
rubber) and mineral water.
You struggle with them as
they search for the maximum
amount of change that pass- .
ing businessmen will give a
tattered student to buy
books, and you'll jump for
joy, as they did, when they
hit upon the right number.
(Their studies show 8 out of
10 businessmen would dole
out 36 cents 99 percent of the

time between the hours of
noon and 2 p.m. on Mondays, Wednesdays and
Thursdays 4 out of the 5
times they were accosted
with a blunt instrument.)
You'll despair with Poor
and Vagrante when they
discover Bumme dead from
starvation and exposure after
living for 2 weeks on their
survival plan before even attempting to sneak into
classes without registering
and clandestinely hacking
his way into school computer
systems to place himself on
class role sheets.
Finally, you'll rejoice with
the two remaining scientists
when they finally discover
the answer: Quit school and
write a moving account of
three scientists and their
struggle to find the perfect
balance of miserable poverty
and exhaustion without total
annihilation and exhaustion
for the student. You feel the
excitement ....

she says, "Wait till your
father gets home.'' At that
time he is made a shining example to all the other brats in
town.
Mental Block is a real hick
town. According to Ann
Droid, '' it seems like it's
been around since the dawn
of history.''
Nightlife in Mental Block
and all of the state of Confusion is really eerie. The sky
grows pitch black, and fog
covers the town like a
blanket. However, by the
crack of dawn everything is
crystal clear once again.
To add insult to injury,
during the winter, Main
Street becomes very icy and
as smooth as glass, while the
houses turn white as snow.
At this point in time, most
of the residents here are idle
speculators as they search for
the secret to success, but only receive the benefit of the
doubt.
The town has a lot of room
for improvement since it has
very few mutual advantages,
but many pressing needs.
But as far as anyone can see,
for the forseeable future, improvements will be held to
an absolute minimum.
''We like this town the way
it is. Some young whippersnappers come here and

want to cbano:o ouo:rn~ _ _ _ _ ___,.

tellin' us their pros and cons.
I play devil's advocate with
'em to the bitter end, then
run 'em out of town,'' said
Isaiah Forty.
So if you' re looking for a
place to vacation this summer, take full advantage of
this great offer to visit this
well-rounded town. It
should be first and foremost
on your travel list. Vacation
packages start as low as $9. 95
through
K-Tel Travel
Bureau. Order yours today!

Have you heard about the • pulsion to marry they send
self-help group called Mar- over a balding man with a
pot belly and hangover, a
riage Anonymous?
woman in curlers and
It's for people who are think- bathrobe, a two-year-old
ing about getting married. having a temper tantrum,
When a member feels a com- and a screaming teenager.
IOOIOIOIOIOOIIOOOIOOOIIOIOIOOWIOOOOOOOIOOOOOOIOIOOOIOIOIOOIOIOIOIOIOOOOIOIOOIOOOIOOIOOIOIOIOOIIOOOIOOIOIIOIIIIOIOO!OO!I

Stressed outP
Depressed?

THINK YOU HAVE TROUBLES?

Come to a one-day Depression Control
Seminar at the Multnomah Kennel
Club, April 15. Cost per person $5000.
All proceeds go to the Imelda Marcos Relief
Fund (how would you feel if you had 3,000
pairs of shoes and nowhere to go?).

Sponsored by the Coalition of Rejected, Expelled,
Exiled, and Presently Somewhere (CREEPS).

Begins at 10:00 a.m.
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.--1

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~

Poop prompts squabble
by Ann Thensome
BLOWTORCH Feather Editor

Teamwork is the essence of
survival. Over the years, it's
been one of LCC' s awardwinning concepts. And it
now appears that teamwork
will be a key factor in continuing to provide the quality
education LCC students
have come to expect.
In the face of impending
budget
cuts,
LC C's
Renaissance Room will team
up with Campus Services to
create an efficient disposal
service for the newly-enacted
Pigeon Eradication Program
(PEP). PEP became necessary
following complaints from
students and staff regarding
the excess bird poop around
the buildings.
According to Campus Services Director Caul Polvin,
the current disposal process
has been one of PEP' s
highest cost factors. Polvin
says he's personally been
hauling the pigeons over to
Eugene's Downtown Mall
every day.
"We had to cut back (on
PEP),''
says
Polvin,
''because we started to get
complaints from
the
Downtown Center.''
In the meantime, LCC instructor William Aloha complated the effect budget cutbacks would have on his

Food Management Program.
''I knew the students
wouldn't be able to serve
elegant meals anymore. The
proposed menu choices were
down to Beanay Wenay,
Gen. Eric Meat Pies, and
Macaroni ala Cheese.'' Aloha
says he talked to his students
about alternative menu items
and several of them suggested squab.
'' At first the idea seemed
really crazy," says Aloha.
''But the more we all talked
about it, the more potential
we could see.'' Aloha approached Polvin, and
together they created the
necessary interdepartmental
campus proposal paperwork
in triplicate for administrative consideration.
The new program, Meat
Entrapment for Nutritional
Ulteriors (MENU) will offer
students hands-on survival
experience. They'll be required to trap the birds
rather than shoot them. And
students will learn the foul
art of killing and plucking.
The Renaissance Room will
make use of the pigeons
Monday through Thursday
each week, and the Cafeteria
has agreed to use any leftover meat in their Friday
Surprise
Mini-meal
casseroles. The Snack Bar
will serve pigeon nuggets on
Fridays as well.

New wha-e-da-ya-call-i,t
thing nears completion
by Smelly Hay Day

BLOWTORCH Fiction writer

The monorail system proposed by President Twirler
earlier this fiscal year is in the

final stages of completion.
Constructed to run from the
bottom of 30th Ave. to LCC,
the ~ystem will provide UJ?wardly mobile students with
a sure way to get to the top.

Irrational Guardsmen
.,,r

•
may exercise
soon
by Mige Lito
BLOWTORCH Fiction Writer

sists MaDay, "is whether or
not faculty and students will
disrupt the success of the
OIG's training at LCC."

Oregon Irrational Guardsmen (OIG) may soon
One student source who
receive certification to pracasked
to remain anonymous,
tice military exercises on
Telvein
Green, said he fears
LCC' s main campus next
the
OIG's
presence will
Spring Term. •
"deplete"
the
stock of candy
Meanwhile, LCC' s Combars
in
LCC'
s vending
mittee for Malevolent Sermachines.
vices (CMS) is eagerly studyHowever, nutrition is what
ing a proposal from Oregon
the
OIG troops will need to
Sen. Riffraff Warring,
haul
their M16 rifles, semiR-Remote, that would allow
automatic
pistols, stun guns
177 army OIG troops access
and nerve gas, up and down
to LCC from April 21 to May LCC' s stairways, belches
2.
MaDay.
Committee ChairmongerMaDay says CMS will
woman Maike MaDay, spitdecide
on the proposal on
ting chew into a wastebasket,
says she believes the April 10, and she requests
presence of the OIGs will that suggestions be scribbled
help students appreciate and tossed into any of the
LCC' s tranquil atmosphere circular-cement suggestion
and their go-as-you-please containers just outside enrights.
trances to the Center
''My main concern,'' in- Building.

John Doe, a typical LCC
student, says, "Hey, man,
what with all them cars
sliding all over the place last
term, and buses going into
ditches and stuff, I can really
relate to this change in the
system. It's really pretty
cosmic, man.''
His wife, Jane, adds,
''Yeah, man.''
Both Does, who are
followers of the now-defunct
Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh,
feel that in a changing world,
it's nice to have something as
regular as the new monorail
system to depend on.
''Them buses kept changing their routes and
schedules every few years or
so, and man, I really get took
by surprise. But with this
new what-da-ya-calUt thing,
the schedule is real steady,
man. I can count on it, and
just go with the flow," says
John Doe.
"Yeah, man," adds Jane.
Ronald Reagan

&

Mohamar Kadafy

Cordially invite you to their First
Annual Sand Throwing Contest to
be held in Mohamar's backyard sandbox
April 21, 1986
1:00 p.m. to 3:00 p.m.