LAST CHANCE COLLEGE April 1, 1987 JanitorS set to strike Condo ms hope to stiffen bookst ore sales by Louie Louie SCORCH Dissassociated Editor A strike has been announced by LCC' s custodial and maintenance workers as a result an impasse that developed with the management of Housekeeping /Custodial Services. Dissatisfaction with LCC policy which allows some departments to do their own cleaning contributed to the stalemate. "We felt that it was unfair for some people, such as Val Brown of the SCORCH, to take work away from us. They do whatever they feel like doing, but they don't have to do things like scrub toilets and clean up the shredded paper in the Administration offices. We want to be able to clean up everything and get overtime," says Oliver "Ollie" Ogelthorpe, spokesperson for the custodians. Negotiations are scheduled for Friday, and the group says that unless their demands are met, a truckload of the shredded papers which have been taped meticulously together will be delivered to the SCORCH office on Monday morning. Juicy tidbits Ken Hedrick and Vicki Miller by Smelli Hay Day SCORCH Tyrant In a last-ditch attempt to bring itself "out of the red" before the end of the fiscal year, the LCC Bookstore is having a '' Spring Fling'' sale on lingerie and condoms. The sale features the latest line of lingerie in shades of "herpes" pink, "rash" red, and "funeral" black (for those with the AIDS virus or planning to be caught having an affair). Condoms will be on sale, as well, cheap by the dozen and cheaper by the gross, "for the active man or ,woman,'' says a bookstore spokeswoman . But she cautions students not to get overzealous and buy too many. "Sorry, no buy backs." And for the student on a limited budget, "Buy Why is Oral Roberts 'deathly' silent? by Lulu Splash SCORCH Disassociated Editor Some of Oral Roberts' followers claim that he was not ''called home'' yesterday, March 31, but that he has been kidnapped by beleaguered administrators at LCC. However, the evangelist may have died yesterday after failing to reach the $8 million that he says God ordered him to ~ raise, or "God would strike him dead." ''Maybe God is doing more heavenly housecleaning ,'' Evangelist Pat Robertson said this morning after hearing of the disappearance. Roberts has not talked to reporters since Sunday, March 22, when he went into his Prayer Tower to fast and pray. He was to have appeared at a press conference at 9 p.m., March 31. According to an anonymous source, LCC Administrator s decided at a closed Executive Session to abduct Roberts, and to blackmail him into conducting fundraisers for the college, which has been hit hard by budget cuts. "They appreciate his innovative fundraising methods, and they have some really disgusting information on Roberts. Besides, he was able to get that $1.3 million from that dog track owner, and could do the same for LCC," says the informant. LCC administrators refuse to comment on the allegations. by Nyeta Nadazilch from us and recycle your rubbers!" The sale will run through the first week of Spring Term, and the store will stay open all night. Loggers are welcome. I don't count around the SCORCH Human Potential instructor Victor Peabody was misquoted in last week's paper, or so he claims. We have to print it even if we don't believe it. Peabody was quoted as calling fellow instructor Iris Sweet "a g-- d--- liar," although Peabody insists he on y called her a '' d--- liar. '' see Juicy, page 2 Mock nuclear war 'sound' by Smelli Hay Day best for the college,'' she Rep. Beater DeMazio, D-Oregon, recently introduced a bill to the US House of Representative s that would Federal the prevent Emergency Management Agency from cutting off Oregon's disaster planning funds because the state refused to participate in the agency's mock nuclear war test. But according to LCC Miscommunicati on Specialist Flyen' Mohawkop, "The college is so worried that a nuclear war might actually occur and adversely affect our FTE and tuition that we're going to go ahead and adopt an emergency plan anyway. I, personally, don't know about the validity of this plan for the students -but I've been assured that it's says. A significant part of the proposed plan includes a Resourceful "Entire Area" Collection Tearn (REA CT). Upon learning of a nuclear attack, the members of this committee will' grasp students firmly (two per committee member), leap into LCC helicopters, escort the students to their various SCORCH Tyrant banks, and return to campus, with funds intact. (Once funds are collected, students may be discarded). After all funds are safely inside the campus, a radiation-proo f dome (now under construction) will rise from its underground position, competely sealing LCC and it's funding. "The college doesn't intend to introduce the plan to the public for discussion, as we aren't sure it would have the student's support. They don't usually fully understand the issues, and end up making a stink over nothing. And the president doesn't want any controversy so near the levy election. But we're confident this is the right decision. With careful planning, there will be life after a nuclear war -- for LCC, at least," assures Mohawkop. Where's that dog? UFO finds landing spot SCORCH lYants YOU Page 4 Page 5 Page 4 Muckraker murdered SAPPIES host telethon by LuLu Littlehill SCORCH Disassociated Editor . The LCC chapter of the Self-Centered Apathetic Persons of America (SAPPIES) will host a benefit telethon today, April 1, from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. (All lines will be closed from 10-10:15 a.m., 12 noon to 1 p.m., and from 3-3:15 p.m. for breaks). "We thought that it would be nice if we could raise money for our cause, and get a little attention from the media, without having to stay up all night," says SAPPIES spokesperson Rufus P. Hickenbottim III. SAPPIES depends on contributions from its monthly telethons to fund a variety of group activities. "There's all those other organizations out there that have telethons to raise money for other groups, but no one was doing anything for us. So we decided to do it ourselves," says Huckenbottam. The SAPPIES organization is "totally dedicated to selfaffirmative action through creative assertiveness, accelerating personal evolution, effectiveness, enlightenment, and the advancement of optimum self-awareness," Heckenbattem adds. For more information, and to place pledges, call (503) SAVASAP. by Samantha Quaker SCORCH Staff Writer LCC TORCH Lead Reporter Robert Wolfe mysteriously collapsed in the Center Building Lobby Tuseday, March 31, at 2:53 and 44 seconds p.m. A group of students gawked and stared, while others tried to administer CPR (Continous Pumping of the Ribs) but completely failed to revive him. At least one student had the brains to call a rescue unit, but it was detained by an unruly group of faculty and college administrators who refused to allow them near the scene. Witnesses said that they overheard the faculty members shouting phrases like, "He's a pain in the butt," and "the rodent finally got his just desserts." An autopsy performed by the Culinary Students of LCC revealed that Wolfe died of multipule tiny puncture holes all over his body. An anonymous caller phoned the police and told them that a voo doo pin doll -- identical to Wolfe's description -- was found in the parking lot next to the Administration Building. The police have no further leads, and are giving up the search completely. A police spokesperson said in an interview, "It's obvious to our department that a lot of people are glad to see him dead. So why sould we waste our time and the taxpayer's money investigating a well-justified murder?'' LCC ~est damn place' by Jeff Opie Moisan SCORCH Staff Writer Recently, Lane Community College was named by the Wall Street Diary as "one of the best damned places in the world to work." As a result, applications from all walks of life have begun pouring in. Donald Wegan, former US chief of staff, who applied for an ASLCC post, says, "I think I can do a real good job." Thanks for the $, suckers Brother Bob writes forum by Bor Draw Forum by Brother" Bob 11 Student Body Head Honcho SCORCH Head Goof Off Over the last six months of writing for the SCORCH, I have reported on many stories of great importance and meaning to members of the campus community. Some of these stories have been interpreted as critical to the administration and Board of Education. But one thing that has never been discussed is why I tackle all of these issues. Some might surmise it is out of a sense of higher duty and public service. Others might say I have a deep-seated rage at injustice and stupidity, and feel compelled to point out examples of these odorous traits in those around me. Well, I need to dear the air and tell the truth. I like to raise hell. It is as simple as that. When the shit hits the fan, I really get my jollies. The more embarrasement and discomfort I cause, the more I laugh. I could care less about causes and purpose, and other fancy ethical and moral bullshit like that. I'm just in it to rake some muck, expose some dirt, dig up a scandal. You know, make the headlines. · Of course, that's not the only reason I write. I also really like to see my name in print (sort of like Val Brown). Well, that's it. Just wanted to ·explain myself. The best aspect of being student body president is learning how to spend excess student body fees. Over Spring break, I spent $4000 worth. I was able to broaden my political horizons by taking a trip to the Bahamas on students' money. And I flew first class instead of coach. from Juicy1 After all, it's not my money. I stayed at the Hotel Ritz, the most expensive place in town. No Motel 6 for me. I also learned how to order room service. Why pay the regular price for a bottle of booze when I can have it delivered at three times the price? When I run for public office after LCC, I'll know how to waste taxpayer's money. Just like the big boys! page 1 LCC staff members who are interested in compromising the 1987-1988 student retention committee should submit their applications by tomorrow. see Juicy, page 3 Catty editor speaks her mind Abstinence, m f onogamy, use o Condon1s Help Wanted Page-2·The-SCORCH· The Performing Arts Department received applications, too, one from Burce Fallsteen, who wants to teach ''How to make your first million by wearing sweatshirts with no sleeves and screeching a throaty roar into a microphone." The other comes for Michael Yackson, who thinks it would be a real thriller to work here and specialize in Pelvic Dislocation and Reverse Horizontal Lunar striding. Additional negotiation may be needed to incorporate Yackson' s single sequined glove, Jake, into the contract. TYRANT: Smelli Hay Day DISASSOCAIATED EDITOR: Lulu Splash AMUSEMENT EDITOR: Pugnatious Goodtime DOOFY EDITOR: Foul Brown HEAD MUG MASTER: Menis Pa/man POWER BEHIND THE HEAD: Symore Sidney LEAD GOOF-OFF: Bobert l..Jlmb PENCIL PUSHERS: Mabel Mavis, Spocie C. Daze, Milicent Dillingham, Pug Goodtime THE REST OF THE HOT SHOTS: Bobby Lonsome, Sam Payton, Bill Outwards, Candice Birdwick, Dean Smelliot SEDUCTION MANAGER: Susie Stargazer COPY CUTTERS: Foul Brown, Shameon He'lltell, Pugnatious Cacophony, Robert Wolfe, Cow Abrams, Kerry He'ssavery Spendall, Harry Scowling, Axman Swoon, Mable Mavis, Bor Draw PASSER-OUTERS: Loyal Ditzler, Zach Highlife, Harmony Jones, Shameon He'lltell PROVIDER (OUR HEROINE): Plans Andgetsdown IDEA CRYSTALIZER: Slim Bunchafriends HUNTER AND GATHERER: Yackie Scary HEAD NAG : Dorth Worthabunch MOOSE AMONG MEN Repeat Fussbudget The SCORCH is a student-managed newspaper published whenevers the staff can be found sober enough to put the damn thing together. News stories are written whenever the writer has an idea, and are not necessarily factual nor accurate. Fairness and balance have nothing to do with reporting. These stories appear with a byline to indicate the reporter responsible, but not all the time. News features, because they are long-winded and boring, may contain some judgements on the part of the writer. They are identified with a special byline. "Forums" are essays contributed by SCORCH readers and are aimed at broad issues facing members of the community. They should be limited to 7.50 words. Deadline: last Monday, 10 a.m. "Letters to the Tyrant" are intended as short bitches about stories appearing in the SCORCH. They should be limited to 2.5 words. The tyrant reserues the right to put in material that is libelous or invades privacy, hack it in half, and misspell everything, as is her nature. Deadline: last Monday, noon. "Goings on" serves as a bullshit corner for the public, letting everyone have their two cents worth. Bullshit related to LCC will be given priority. Deadline: last Monday, lOa.m. April 1, 1987 Earth worms trampled; thousands mutilated each year by H. G. Falcon , SCORCH Wrong Fighter Hundreds of worms are casually murdered each week on the LCC campus. Because of this, Save The Earth Worms from Pedestrian Injury and Death, a local worm rights group that prefers its initials, STEWPID, visited the LCC campus last week. STEWPID spokesperson Anne Lida claims that every time it rains, worms are forced to leave the soaked lawns. "But when they get onto the stone sidewalks, along comes a callous student, and the poor worm is caught between a walk and a hard place." Lida says that STEWPID will be distributing petitions during National Worm Week. The petitions seek to force the administration to post worm crossings, and special crawlway'' signs alongside all footpaths on campus. The main emphasis of the petition drive, according to Lida, is to ban the use of footwear on campus sidewalks. "Research shows that over 99.5 percent of all worm stampings are done by persons wearing shoes. Barefoot persons seem to take more care with their strides.'' STEWPID hopes to convince school officials to hire a full time worm trauma coordinator, who would be responsible for emergency aid to injured worms, and also for community education on the subject of worm safety. 11 &\ V it's by Susie Stargazer SCORCH Seduction Manager Aris (March 21-April 19): Wear your good underwear; you may wind up in an accident. Taurus (April 20-May 20): Your bullheaded ways could damage your relationship with your infant. Admit you were wrong, you usually are, before the thing spits up on you. Gemini (May 21-June 20): You can't seem to m*e up either of your minds today. Look to the grafitti on the bathroom wall for guidance. Cancer (June 21-July 22): You're extremely crabby, and must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed. Forget it. Go back to sleep. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You'll try, once again, to be in the spotlight today. Double up on your B vitimins before going on the prowl, or you may exequipment perience failure. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): See Scorpio. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Today, · you'll lose that balance and finally go over the edge. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. I FOUND: Plain Brown envelope containing photos of administrators in compromising positions. Please describe to claim at SCORCH office. FOUND: IN MY Vegieburger patty one used hairnet. Please contact Susan for return. LEAD REPORTER, must be able to write, and softshoe editor and administration. LOST: MY virginity, only God knows where. Still looking for Mr. Goodbar, though. WANTED: Vice President of Administrative Services - must be able to justify $500,000 computer network. LOST - One mother-in-law. High mileage, cantankerous, no fun at parties or anywhere else. If found, do not contact me; just keep your hands away from her mouth. 1987 LAMBERGHINI wanted. Will pay pocket change and trade babysitting. Silver and red only. LOST: ONE mind, somewhere oq LCC campus. If found, please return to the SCORCH office ASAP. They'll know where to find the rest of me. WANTED: COWBOY hat - kind that will turn an Easterner into a Westerner. Will consider a swap for my ticket to the balance of this year's exciting "College-wide Coffees." LOST: HAIRNET, possibly while mixing Vegieburgers in the Kitchen, Reward if you don't tell my boss. Cook. STUDENTS WHO are in need of sress, and would like a break from an over-abundant social life, come to work at the SCORCH. Misery loves company. Ext. 2657. SCORCH/ES: We all know it's you folks who really run the show - you just hide behind me when you need someone to take the flack. Your Tyrant WANTED: REAL MAN. Must clean and cook, enjoy my sense of humor, and never need the car keys. Still waiting. MOOSE - we like your ad, but you really shouldn't be afraid to take credit for your work. Your devoted slaves. Aprill ' 1987 by Brother'' Bob 11 SCORCH Head Goof Off The SCORCH paper. will hold an All-Campus Coffee on April 1, it was announced today. The reception is open to all students, faculty, and administrators. It will begin at 2 p.m .. However, due to a lack of funding, participants are asked to bring their own coffee and . refreshments. "Gee, we'd like to serve coffee, but we can only afford water," lamented Smelli Hay Day, SCORCH Editor. "And it's warm water from that drain pipe in the field at that,'' she added. The lack of funding to even buy a cheap brand of coffee is surprising to some on campus because of the fine record of ·d nun "', 0~t 21): Give it up. It's a waste of money. You ain't gonna get laid this time. (Nov. Sagittarius 22-Dec. 21): You will be particularly obnoxious today. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Beware of that container that's been open in your refrigerator for the last month. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your herpies will flare up today, making you sullen and surly. Pisces (Feb. 19-March· 20): Quit blaming others. You' re the one with the problem today. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * CASH PAID for scoops, inside tips, illegal recordings, and illicit photos regarding LCC administrators. Object: headlines. Contact Bob Wolfe, SCORCH Lead Reporter. Coffee features water success the SCORCH enjoys. "We've won an award for best community college newspaper for four of the last five years, and are in the running this year, too," points out Ralph Teeterson, SCORCH adviser. "And many of our individual staff members are under consideration for national journalism awards," he added. Members of the LCC Board of Education are not expected to attend, because everyone knows that they are only in it for the food, anyway. A five-car accident on Eldon Schafer drive caused a slight delay for some LCC students coming to classes on Monday morning. The drivers involved were taken to Sacred Heat Hospital, but none were insured seriously enough to require hospitalization. LCC's Mechanics Department offered to tow the vehicles to the LCC garage for repairs, and they were badly damaged. 1 page 1 . see Ju1cy PREZ: (yeah you, Robby); you're in too deep now. Either you do as we say, or we tell all. The SCORCH. BLUEFACE: YOU tan stop now. It would be messy and inconvenient if you harmed yourself. Coldhearted. INTERESTED in joining a worthy cause that will benefit no-one but yourself? For information on SAPPIES (Self-Centered and Apathetic Persons of America) or to make pledges, call (503) SA V-ASAP. I'VE worn my trenchcoat for the last two terms; why hasn't Bob Wolfe done an expose' on me?!! Flasher. MR SLIME - I love oozing around with you. FOR SALE: Little brother, 17 years old, low mileage, durable, needs body work. FREE: RAMON "he loves to flirt with the ladies." I'd like to get rid of him ASAP. FREE TO good home, one husband, shots included. Warm, affectionate, paper-trained. Ask for Maggie at 434-7126. DESPERATE FOR WORK? DRIVEN TO HOPELESSNESS? You're just the lost soul we're looking for! The SCORCH is a student manipulated fabrication in need of unsuspecting creatures. You want pay? NO WAY!Work study or credit? FORGET IT! Come talk to the editor now (if you can get her off the phone)! Positions are going fast, so hurry up and SCORCH IT! The SCOR~H Page 3 A- tk INTRoDuc;J/(', ?i'Od!.Comer Foul dog,'' and "jesus" all the NO SCORCH Doofy Editor time . year wonder I talk All long Smelli like I do. So Hay Day has I why should I by . Brown edited, censored, and cleaned up my copy, but now I want to say some things that have built up in my files could that never reach the paper. Until now. Grandma blurts out expressions like "that durty ~ Flock c?~~:::t~!J fN/tpe~e-~ _ l'et,;0, attacks joggers \\\.-,., ~YA - ~-~ ) . ro~ be censored? Answer me that, Smelli! Slam! Slam! My Slam! name is the target of slamming letters. guys Hey lighten up, hang and loose. You doofs ! VAL BROWN. So there. \ ~~· ~ "It happened so quickly, that I'm not really 1 Art with some taste by Mona Pug SCORCH Amusement Editor Andy Warhol will roll over in his grave. The LCC Art Gallery's Department premier showing of Cafetartia makes Warhol's Campbell's chicken soup look terribly unimaginative and outdated. Originating as a final art project by LCC art student Conda Mintzs, the project so appetized her instructor that he arranged for the one-day got "We've show. something here with real taste," says Burry Toe, LCC art instructor. Using the blues and reds of pie, the yellows and oranges of cheese and spaghetti, and the multilple shades of green at the saladbar, Mintzs applies each item meticulously to her canvas to create a mood of fullness and satiation in the viewer. "I've always had a hard time eating the food in the cafeteria," says Mintzs, "but after I applied the colors available in cafeteria food to my canvas, I realized that I had discovered a potential feast for artists.'' Highlights of the show include the works ''Inside the Stomach,'' '' Cookie Stuff,'' and ''Lard Rainbow.'' A group of six paintings create a variation on the theme, "Special Of The Day". The premier showing of Cafetartia will be at the gallery April 1. Advance reservations are required, and no one will be admitted into the show without a body search for forks and knives. V"IC>.t\U -to vota w\.w ~ -+h,nl( .sho"\cl ee-t -tl,t Yes\ -tn,s ·•s 'iOut" l • ~ r-e~e~~ Vote f•f" ~(fl,U' Pttrath by Belvadear Gumwad TORCH Staff Writer sure what happened,'' says LCC student Ken Rustwick, a member of the men's track and field team. Rustwick and his companion, Liza James, · were doing their morning work out when they were attacked by a flock of seagulls. It seems that both Rustwick and James were weari!lg jogging clothes with lime green and fucia combinations when they were attacked. According to Raule Valdez, Audubon Society president, seagulls, much like bulls, become irritated when they see lime green or fucia, and they may become livid if the two colors are combined (much like sharks in a feeding frenzy). Although both runners escaped serious injury, they were treated for multiple puncture wounds and scratches. All students and faculty using the LCC running paths or track sould be cautioned to never, ever ever, wear lime-green and fucia, together or separately. ''You take your life into your own hands when you run in those colors on campus." says Chair of the Health and P.E. Department, Sedrick Fairaday. And the Office of the President issued a statement saying . . . . '' the college will not be responsible for the well-being of any fool who wears those hideous colors anyway.'' till= FIRS-rA,t//UAL ~/iV<f IJ~rir- . OW\'i~ "fOO Va.ttn.LWhib . A-rut -rt)£_c.,H -rt., whi-khlUS-t' MeJu6~. a..dMni-s+~ LlL Admir11-Smdors i'~-k ~,$On err E>o.tvd \ M L ~ ~ Wirmexs, ~ CU,l)(U'lL - CJY r\'\cl'-1 lb- ~ Thi~ rs no-\- a., re-at ~ ~ fc>lKC:. Thts l~ V\Ct. a.,,reat. ~~\c,&4- (HAl-D TD ~i,e,~ 1 ~h?/ ® 1%7 by Foul Brown SCORCH Doofy Editor - - Morris Hodad won this year's Belly Flop competition that is held sort of annually at the main fountain on the LCC campus. Women's champion Kristi Bearhold took home her first trophy in an upset victory over Lynette Armhug, who has held the title for six years. Hadad again_held on to his five year title by out-flopping challenger Gary Toehead. This year's judging was comprised of three faculty members and two students. President Victor N. Millard served as a tie-breaking judge. Contestants were judged by their attire -- the tackier the better -degree of difficulty, amount of splash, and distance of the ripple. Campus Casualties a hit by Mona Pug SCORCH Amusement Editor You've seen Deer Hunter and Platoon, right? You thought Hollywood war movies couldn't get any better, right? Well, start building your bunkers, kids, because Campus Casualties has hit the bigtime. The movie is set in 1992. Financial Aid is a thing of the past, and only the rich kids go to school. The hero of the movie, Johnney Biggun, comes from a hardworking but poor family. He works for the litter-patrol on the Interstate Hwy, but has dreams of becoming a legislator so he can finally get ahead in life. "SPRING FLING" SALE • CONDOMS: cheap by the dozen cheaper by the gross "For the active man or woman" • LINGERIE: th e latest line REMEMBER: "Spring term is sperm term." Page'4 :~~~ SCO~G:H 76t~n.M1 11/os ~ Hoda d wows 'em Bookstore " recycle your rubbers " ******************** f-elei v-e.. ~ W\~ -- } Tl... prt-s-H~S ba.nq-erfieltL ******************** Sorry - no buybacks . u1a,"'U Glennis Pahlmann and Vicki Miller The first scene opens with Biggun registering for one 3 credit class, at a cost of $1200. One evening after completing his homework, Biggun and his girlfriend, Holly, compute the cost of his education. The amount enrages Biggun, and the action starts. Organizing his friends, Biggun declares war on higher eduction. No one is safe from the rocket bombs and kidnappings that begin to take place on every campus in the US. Midnight raids on libraries and campus bookstores, to access valuable knowledge, become a common occurance in every city in the country. Biggun is the underground leader, with a will to win. His character is both believable and likeable. The night war scenes are very exciting, with bombs and artillery lighting the night sky. Many innocent people get blown to bits, and the importance of financial aid really comes across. It is difficult to sit through some of the more violent scenes, but as we saw in Platoon, the truth is not pretty. If you're wondering what to do this Friday night, a trip to the movies to see Combat Casualties might be just the thing. But beware, this movie may be stranger than life. Or then again ... April 1, 1987