.·:=:··

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........•:·······

Lane
Community
College
March 29, 1991

Eugene, Oregon

Vol. 26

No. 20.

Hall wins board seat
Defeats two other
candidates in tight race

by Devan C. Wilson

board for over 16 years.

Torch Editor

A medical doctor specializing in radiology at McKenzie
Willamette Hospital, and past
president of the Maude Kerns
Art Center, Hall is out of town
until April 9 and was unavailable forcommen tatpress time.

Roger Hall of Eugene captured the vacant at-large Board
of Education seat in the March
26mailballo telection,in arace
that saw only 645 votes separating the three candidates
vying for the post.
Hall, who captured 9,905
votes according to final unofficial results supplied by Lane
County Elections, defeated Michael Dubick of Creswell and
Julia Keizur of Cottage Grove.
Dubick captured 9,564 votes,
while Keizur garnered 9,260
votes.
The three were running for
the post vacated by 16-year
board member Larry Perry, of
Eugene, who chose not to run
for a fifth term on the board.
Hall will assume his duties
as a member of the board on
July 1.

Mainframe computer
suffers power outage
by Devan C.Wilson
Torch Editor

LCC's mainframe computer
system suffered a failure on
the last day of finals week, but
was quickly restored, and is
again operating at full capacity.
One of three power uni ts in
the mainframe was inflicted
with a power outage on Friday, March, 15, according to
Computer Services Director
Jerry Keizer.
'We weren't aware of the
extent of record damage at that
time," Keizer says.
On Monday, March 18,
Computer Services staff determined the extent of the problem and began the information
recovery process. A second
failure occurred, however,
forcingComputerServicesstaff
to again begin the recovery
process from scratch.
"We would have been up
within a day if we hadn't been
hit a second time," says Keizer.

ROGER HALL

However, during his campaign, Hall told the Torch, "I'm
committed to (LCC). I am the
only candidate, as far as I know,
who has taken classes at LCC,
and the only candidate who
can bring business experience
to the board position. I feel that
I can best interface with the
Eugene-Sp ringfield professional and business community, and that is important to
LCC."

In addition, Jim Pitney, of
JunctionCity,retainedhis.ZOne
2 post. He was running unopposeq. Currently the board
chair, Pitney has served on the

Hall's wife, Elizabeth, has
worked at as a Spanish instructor at LCC for 15 years, though
she is currently on leave during spring term.

-

discs, and weekly on magnetic
tapes. The department stores
all backup records in the
Computer Services vault for
safe keeping.
Keizer says the system failure was rare, and that nothing
of this nature has happened at
LCC in the 20 years he has been
with the college.
With the outage occurring
during spring term registration, there was potential for
loss of registration records, but
Keizer says Computer Services
hasn't found any evidence of
lost or altered registration
records.
He says his department is
using student schedules distributed from a computer in
the Center Building lobby to
monitor potential problems,
but as to date has received no
complaints.
However, he adds that if any
students feel they may have
been the victims of lost records, Computer Services wants
to hear from them and attempt
to correct problems.

The college employs a constant backup record recording
The failure did delay by one
system, which Keizer terms as day financial aid students from
a "cascading backup," storing • purchasing books through
information daily on computer credit at the LCC Bookstore.

photo by Erin Naillon

Parody issue polished
Torch staff members put the finishing touches on the "Sin and Sleaze" section of this
year's production of the annual April Fool's Torch parody issue, which is included as a
supplement in this issue. Featured stories this year include the entrapment of a staff
memoer ma copy macnme, and a "love trapezoid slaying."

Q

~

I'\

.. .
•

D. C. experience an inspiration

#ll-~,t1•·
~-~:~=~~=:!fl!~.~~
~412~1llllt\~~~~
,~9111~ n~tfa~, ~~-'. ~$() • -time ~~ ~~jg~t ~hattv!itf

•,· '2ollSidett~~~~~~tsnavean..Qp~-!1'fQ.~~~a9,

impact on LCC..•Givtf .the •.~ ~-~~,ftti1p1eceive<:l
frgm~WS.~'Volv~m,tne:dAily.r u~tigm~f the college,
the<>t~~~i~~-et,0J~i~~~
~ ,. IB~tll<>W!!@l:R'IIR!ilf,.• ~B;I

iiB-:li' lifflfil•l·••■ +•· i<.~l·•.• · ·•· •

The most often asked question when spring
term begins is ''Whaddya do during spring
break?"
Well, I saw the first cherry blossoms burst
open in D.C.!
ASLCC Cultural Director Trish Rosewood
and Student Resource Center Director Ernie
Woodland accompanied me to the 22nd Annual Lobby Conference of the United States
Student Association (USSA) in Washington D.C.
The major purpose of the conference is to prepare students from across the nation for a day of
lobbying members of Congress and their staff
on student issues pending legislation and issues that still need legislation proposed.
In addition, this year during Lobby Day,
March 18, the Senate Subcommittee on Education, Arts and Humanities and the House Subcommittee on Post-Secondary Education held a
joint hearing on the Reauthorization of the
Higher Education Act of 1965. The act provides
the basis for federal financial aid. This is the first
time since 1965 that a hearing was held solely for students. Ten members of USSA were allowed to give oral testimony, and the chamber
was packed with three or four hundred others.
Senator Paul Simon said the 10 presenters were
among the best he has seen, so feel well represented.
While I'm disappointed therewasnotenough
time to sight-see (I really wanted to tour the
Smithsonian), the workshops and networking
with other students about our problems and
successes was exhilarating. For instance,
LaGuardia Community College in New York
City charges $600-plus a quarter for tuition and
a one bedroom flat costs $1200 a month. Toillustrate the discrepancy of access to education,
community colleges in California charge only
$15 for tuition.
The LCC delegation lobbied primarily for
child care, more grant aid and less loans, the
long awaited Violence Against Women Act
(S.15), continued minority scholarships, and
dislocated worker funding. We also lobbied
against gender and cultural bias testing to show
a student's ability to benefit from an education
- a new method for determining financial aid
status.

~

»: .:....• ...·..: ...·.·...·.·•····

Bookstore lines
not justifiable

i:~:i:i:\:~:~:j:!:~:j:i:~:j:i:~:~:j:~:i:i:j:~:j:i:~:!.:❖:

Asst. Production Manager ...... _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Michelle Sundholm
Asst. Photo Editor··········-····-------------........................ Dana Krizan
Photographers ................ Deborah Pickett, Travis Glover, John Unger , Jacqueline Rinehart
Advertising Asslatant. .......... _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Dulcie Chatwood
Advertising Secretary ......... - - - - - - - · - - - - - - - - - - - G e r r y Getty
Receptionist .............. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ,......... Lily Hughes
Staff Wrhera: Kelley Egre, Erin Sutton, Jeff NeY,lton, Gaye Norton Leek, Megan Guske, Chris
Barron, James Jarboe, Carl Mottle, Chris Prather. John Unger, Joshua Hendrickson.Feather
Crawford
Production Staff:Erin Sutton, Gaye Norton Leek, Paul Stapleton, Alisa Anderson, Dulcie Chat·
wood, Donna Gavin, Gerry Getty, Linda Kelly, Joe Harwood, Mark Hafner, Amanda Martin,
Danielle Slrota, Jeanette Nadeau
Advertising Advisor _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Jan Brown
Production Advisor _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ oorothy Wearne
Newa & Editorial Advisor _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Pete Peterson
Prlnter _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Springfield News
The Torch Is a student-managed newspaper published on Fridays September through May.
News sto,ies are compressed, concise reports intended to be as fair and balanced as possible.
They appear with a byline to Indicate the reporter responsible.
All correspondence must be typed and signed by the writer. Mall or bring all correspondence to:
The Torch, Room205 Center Building,4000 E. 30th Ave., Eugene, OR 97405. Phone 747-4501
ext. 2657.

Page2

March 29, 1991

The Torch

To the Editor,
I dislike buying books at the
Lane Community College
Bookstore because of the wall
of suspicion one hits upon
entering. I am also disturbed
by the dumb, empty, docile
looks appearing on the faces of
people who cannot avoid the
financial aid charge line that
appears in the bookstore every
quarter.
Granted, there are worse
things than standing in line, all
hard to think of when you're in
one. I've not learned to cool it
in line and I don't want to. My
time is too valuable to give it
up without question.
Excusing a line with "we're
doing the best we can" is pretty
cryptic; attributing a line to a
computer raises doubt, a line
is
discriminates
that
outrageous, and a line that
doesn't move is inexcusable.
During a 45 minute wait to
charge a few books last

We were well received by aids from Senators
Hatfield and Packwood and Representative
Defazio. While Pete did take the time to shake
our hands and exchange a few words before
disappearing into a meeting with Lane County
Commissioners Rust, Dumdi, and Frazer,along
with some other commissioners from Oregon,
Rep. Mike Kopetski was the only one who could
meet with us personally.
Of all the comments made those five days,
the one that sticks with me the most was when
Senator Simon, after congratulating USSA and

forum
by michael omogrosso
the students present for the joint hearing, said
that now the real work is to be done: The people
back home must be encouraged to show support for students' rights by writing and calling
their legislators.
But, in these post-Measure 5 days, national
politicsmustnotcastashadowonstatepolitics.
Thursday, April 4, is an opportunity for you
to physically show support for community
colleges. The Community Colleges of Oregon's
Student Associations and Commissions
(CCOSAC) has organized a rally for community college students from around the state.
Speakers will include myself and Mike Edmundes, a dislocated worker attending LCC.
We are facing a potential financial crisis at
Lane if the state does not adequately fund the
college,and thisproblemcouldexiststate-wide.
ASLCC has established a booth in front of the
main cafeteria entrance to sign up students who
want to go to the rally. We need your support.
Car pooling and/or a bus is being arranged.
For more information on how you can help
ensure quality, affordable education for you
and future students, stop by the booth or ASLCC
offices, Center Bldg. 478, or call ASLCC, 7474501, Ext. 2330.

~:;r· r···r:··:;··;···T•'••··· ,·-r.·Cm"-M,: ;c;;,x """·==,

Thursday, I heard all the above
excuses and saw no concern
for those inconvenienced, or
even any acknowledgement by
employees that inconvenience
was present. And I was lucky.
When I left the bookstore the
line was twice as long as it was
when I joined.
Being on financial aid is
unavoidableformostofus. We
are not looking for an easy
handout and we don't deserve
the present method of charging
books at LCC. Although some
students do cheat, steal and
make a mess for businesses,
most of us do not.
Businesses who cannot fight
shoplifting without treating
customers as burdens should
be forced to compete like offcampus businesses must do.
Furthermore, a business
whose computer runs it,
instead of the business
controlling the computer,
shouldn't be allowed to
maintain the status quo.
customers'
Unless
impatience or management's

ingenuity replace the current
method employed to handle
financial aid book charges at
LCC, the lines will continue to
get slower and slower.
What if:
1.Studentswhodonotenjoy
assuming a sheep-like mask
and stance should complain,
or at least not accept the
financial aid book-buying line
without questioning its
absoluteness.
2. Students who shoplift and
attempt to take advantage of
financial aid or neglect their
share of required student
recordkeeping should shape
up. Eventually, you too would
benefit from assuming more
responsibility.
3. Since the Bookstore seems
to be assuming much of
Financial Aid' s police work,
why can't the Financial Aid
Department help the Bookstore
with the crunch at every
quarter's beginning?
Bookstore's
The
4.
management must realize that

Turn to Letters, page 4

opinion poll •
Question of the week:

Ellen Mills
Computer Science
"I feel that they did more
than an effective job.
They ended up, I think,
endangering national
security at times by
saying too much . : . I
think they showed us
what we needed to
know, and in some
ways too much."

Do you feel the media did an effective job in covering the war on the Middle East?

David Pittman

Rachel Booher

Buck Arbuckle

Jim Morris

Tom Gall

Computer Science"
"Yes. It was shaky at
first, but I think they did
a pretty good job,
considering most of the
people that covered it
were new to covering
that type of thing."

Psychology
"I thought they were like
really biased against it
in the beginning, but
then towards the end
when the public support
was really for it, they
kind of changed their
tune a little bit ... "

Faculty
"No, they did not do an
effective job covering it,
because they were
effectively blocked by
the Pentagon and the
politics and the people
in the White House ...
they were just kept out."

Biology
"I think they maybe
over-covered the war in
the Middle East perhaps, (however) I think
they did a pretty effective job of showing
everything that happened there."

Business
"Yeah, I think they did
an effective job, because, I mean, there
was not that much to
cover over there. It was
like cut and dried, what
we had to do and all
that. It was right the way
they did it."

INTERVIEWS BY ERIN SUTTON

PHOTOS BY ERIN NAILLON

Animal rights progressing on campus
Kudos to LCC Science instructors, who are approaching the use of animals for instruction in a ethical manner.
The animals used for vivisection (animal dissection) are not
raised just for this purpose.
DaveSchiappa,labmanager
of the LCC Life Science Department, says, "LCC staff
people donate lambs from their
personal farms. The lambs
donated all had died of natural
causes - usually it is a case
where the lamb died at birth or
shortly after, because the ewe
is unable to feed the lamb due
to a problem with their immune system."
LCC also uses cows' eyes
and pork hearts that otherwise
would be discarded or used as
dog or cat food. The college
acquires the parts from Mohawk Packing, a slaughter
house in Marcola.
I asked Schiappa why students couldn't just use the new
computer technology-called
laser dish/ computer interphase - instead of the animal
specimens.
"The advantage to the animal specimens," he says, "is
you have both tactile and visual perception, as well as olfactory perception - meaning,
you can smell certain types of
bacteria thatyou cannot detect
by computers. It is also difficult to present the dimensional
aspect of animal dissectipn
with just video."
• On the other hand is the
issue of whether LCC food
services permanently should
ban the sale of veal in the cafeteria.
LCC's Students Against
Animal Abuse has collected
enough signatures to place the
question on the spring student
election ballot.

Veal, for the uniformed, is
calf meat. Traditionally, producers confine an infant calf in
a small cage so it cannot turn

from
the
heart
jim jarboe
around for its entire life. It is
then milk-fed and deprived of
roughage (hay) because of it's
iron content. The calves are
kept at a borderline anemic
state to produce a white meat.
The purpose of keeping the calf
confined is to keep it from
exercising, so that its meat will
be tender.
Bob Tegge, manager of LCC
Food Services, says, ''We took
it off the menu (in the cafeteria)
because we were petitioned to
~ake it off last spring. We had
no problem to take it off ...
There are enough other items
to balance the menu. The veal
we've sold last term was what
we had frozen from our previous inventory."
Itisnotethicallyresponsible
for humans to treat other creatures in an unnatural manner
even if the creatures are earmarked for slaughter. These
"factory farm" practices result
in unjustifiable cruelty.
In light of these practices,
and despite the fact that veal is
not currently served at LCC, it
is imperative that students
decide if LCC should be allowed to endorse veal production by its sale here. Veal will
return if students do not take a
stand and pass a measure
endorsing a ban of veal's sale
on campus.
Why? Consider the com-

ments of Debi McNamara,
president of LCC' s Students
Against Animal Abuse. She
says, "Throughout history,
human oppressors have easily
rationalized their superiority
over those they oppress, both
other humans and animals. I
do not feel animal life is any
less valuable than human life.
Animal exploitation is not justifiable for any reason."
I agree with McNamara.
Animal exploitation is inexcusable.
Veal production is the epitome of the "factory farm" philosophy that animals are just
"products," and supply and
demand is of more importance
than humane treatment of the
animals in question.
We have reached a point in
history where traditionally
accepted inhumanities are no
longer necessary. We can stop
animal abuse, as all other forms
of abuse. The technology is
here. All we need to dois use it
And in closing, I must say it
is refreshing to see that LCC's
training labs are keeping up
with the latest trends by using
computer technology and dead
animals or animal parts that
otherwise would be discarded.

-~\8

_!---~~You don't have
to go through it alone.
You do have choices. You
have the right to make the
best decision for you.
We care. Call us and let's talk:
24-hour Talk Line - 222-9661
Portland
or for your local representative:
1-800-342-6688

THE BOYS ANO GIRLS AID
SOCIETY OF OREGON

*The Clothing Exchange, 8 am - 5 pm,
all week, FREE Pre-owned clothing PE 301.

*Graduation Announcements
available in bookstore
*ASLCC Senate Meeting, 3 pm, in the
Boardroom. All are encouraged to come!
*Alcohol and Drug Education Program,
1 pm in P.E. 122A
1r1UJE§JD) A Yt1 Af11'ill l~

*Ongoing Recovery Group, 1 pm Apr. 218

*Young Adult Recovery Group, 1 pm
M&A250
*Job Fair! - In the cafeteria
'IrIHIUm.§ JD) A Y t1 A pirii.Il 41~

*Multicultural Social Hour, (first weekly
meeting of the term) MCC Center,
1:30-3pm

~stMdent RmUly in SmU~m
On The Steps of The
Capitol Building in
Salem at 1:00
Never stop a fan
with your tongue.
The Torch

March 29,1991

Page3

.&lJse~·of:-computers expanded in classroom
legally blind, demonstrated how also
he teaches computer skills to others
who are legally or totally blind. A speech
synthesizer, part of specialized IBM
hardware, phoneticallypronounces the
words on the computer screen. Students learn word processing, data basing and spread sheet skills. He teaches
small, personal classes, which he feels
greatly benefit his students. Skills obtained in the classroom can then be
applied to the workplace.

by Feather Crawford
Torch Staff Writer

LCC students are turning in homework through computer in some writing classes. The Center Computer Lab
has been expanded to give students
more opportunity to use computers for
their assignments.
Friday, Nov. 22, an open house was
held by Anne Bacon, Instructional
Computing Coordinator, to display
computer programs used for writing
classes. The display and buffet were
offered in the freshly decorated room
recently added to the computer lab.
Student art and house plants soften the
intimidating atmosphere of a room
filled with computers, says Bacon.
At the open house, LCC teachers
showed visitors how students could
call upassignments,completethemand
tum them into their instructor's electronic drop box" without getting up
from their computer terminal.
II

The specific uses for the computers
in each class were also explained.
LCC student Mike Thomas, who is

"I know of a guy in Portland who
uses this program at work in an airport," says Thomas, "and many students here at LCC use this program to
write their papers."
Sharon Thomas teaches WR 121c (the
"c" refers to the use of computers). She
found the use of computers in the classroom challenges many students at first,
especially those without typing or
computer skills. Many students also
appreciate the benefits of using computers in their writing class. Thomas
showed how students can call up writing tips, past assignments, and class
notes from their computers. Students
can also use the blind writing technique, which requires turning the black

down on the computer screen and writing freely, without seeing the results.
Thomas said WR 121c is a demanding class, requiring learning computer
skills as well as writing skills, but
added,"Students like the easy editing
and revision (that is possible) with a
computer."

classes, he says.
Student Michelle Cummings, a
dental hygiene major, enrolled for WR
123c winter term. "I thought I was in
the wrong room," says Cummings. "I
was really frustrated at first, but now I
really like it."

Susan Dunne, who also teaches WR
123c,
finds using computers in a writIn Gerald Smith's WR 123c collaborati ve research class the computers get ingclassrnakes both teaching and learneven more of a work-out. The students ing writing skills easier. "You can focus
work in groups, according to major, on your students one-on-one because
and choose a research topic that is re- you're more of a coach than a teacher,"
says Dunne. She says computers benelated to their field of study.
fit students who don't think they can
The students work interdepen- write, by making the hard work of
dently, their computers daisy linked writing more convenient. In research
together. Peer editing is a large part of classes the computers help the students,
the class as students are able to call up says Dunne, because, "Working here
and look over one another's research. (in the lab), the students become more
They are better able to help each other, of a group than in a traditional classsays Smith, with easy access to one room because they can help one ananother's research.
other."
Smith also said many students who
registered for his class did not expect to
be working on computers. The "c" in
"WR 123c" can serve for either a warning or an enticement and students
should pay special attention to the
course number in the LCC schedule of

Lab fee's are 50 cents for an hour of
computer use or $24 a term for unlimited access all term. All fees go into
buying lab equipment, soft and hardware, upgrading computers and providing more comfortable computer
terminals, says Bacon.

Filing deadline for ASLCC elections upcoming
by Chris Prather
Torch Staff Writer

ASLCC elections are fast
approaching, and students
intending to run for the fifteen
available positions must apply
by April 17.
The student government
structure calls for six executive
cabinet officers - president,
vice-president, treasurer, student resource director, cultural
director, communications director, and nine senators. Can-

didates for president and vicepresident run on the same
ticket.
According to ASLCC VicePresident Maya Thomas, the
primary goal of ASLCC is to
represent student rights, and
deliberate on important administrative policies.
• The duties of the president include appointing students to college committees,
serving on the Board of Presidents of a state student asso-

R E S E R V E O F F I C E R S'

ciation, chairing ASLCC meetings, and serving as the official
representative of the Senate
and the LCC student body.
• The vice-president assumes the duties of president
in his/her absence, serves on
the Bookstore Advisory Committee, is responsible for the
senate meeting agenda, conducts ASLCC elections, serves
as a liaison to Student Advisory Committee, assumes duties of the treasurer in his /her

T R A-I N I N G C O R P S

absence, and works on special
projects assigned by the President.
• The treasurer is in charge
of the Budget Committee and
receives and distributes funds
upon the approval of the Senate.
• The communications director is responsible for distributing ASLCC information
and serves on the Media Commission.
• The student resource director coordinates and is responsible for the administration of all programs assigned
by the Senate to the Student
Resource Center.
• The cultural director es-

Letters

,,

"I'VE STARTm AN IMPRESSIVE RESUME
WITH ACOLLEGE ELECTIVE."
"While a student at LCC, I attended Anny ROTC classes at
the U of O through the Community Education Program. My

Army ROTC leadership training on campus has increased

my opportunities for success when I graduate."
Apply now. Contact Major Bob Bartnett, University of Oregon Military Science Department, 1679
Agate Street, 346-ROTC.

i

ARMY ROTC
TIE SMIITEST COLLEGE COURSE YOU CD TUE.
Page4

March 29, 1991

The Torch

\

• SPRINGFIELD
SCIENTIFIC
SUPPLIES
1124 Main Strut

•$pltngfleld, Oregon
'ITffl

;--

OP-, ...
(503) 72,

1-800~~(~_-

I

I-, :,

I_ . Cl

,,_I.

I

I
I

I_
I -

-1

Any LCC student can run
for the available positions.
Students interested in running
need to pick up an information
packet and an application from
the ASLCC office'in Cen. 479
and attend a student government meeting on April 1, 8, or
15 at 3 p.m. in the Boardroom.
The deadline for submitting
applications is April 17, by
noon.
The elections will take place
May 6-8 in the cafeteria. All
LCC students may vote in the
elections. Ballot measures to
be voted on have not yet been
fully drafted.

continued from page 2

..vhere there are computers,
there is a great need to provide
ways to manage crowds larger
than the computer capacity.
Not to do so, courts business
chaos which will bring about
better management anyway.
5. The college, which I
understand is not responsible
for the Bookstore's policies,
should review the image
Ted Leblow, U of O Junior and a graduate of LCC

tablishes and directs the cultural committee and is responsible for organizing cultural
events.

projected by the only place on
this campus which doesn't
seem to care about the student.
Donna Gavin
cc:
Financial Aid Office
Lane Community College
Bookstore
Robert Marshall,VP of Student
Services

...

,.;.

,

;

,,

GiBduation ceremonies planned
Two hundred high school, 300 college students to gather
by Kelley Egre
Torch Staff Writer

As the end of the school year approaches,
two large sets of LCC students are preparing for
a finale.
On May 30, about 200 adult high school
students will gather in the Silva Hall atthe Hult
Center to receive recognition of graduation.
Approximately 300 college students will follow
suit at the same location on May 31 .
Those individuals participating in the ceremony who wish to have their names included in
the program need to let Student Records know
before April 26.
Both groups are expecting two well known
guest speakers from LCC. James Pitney, LCC
Board of Education member, will speak to the
adult high graduates, whiJe college graduates
look toward the future with former LCC President Jack Carter.
This year, some individuals may be sur-

prised to hear the college is going out with the
old and in with the "new," with new caps,
and gowns.
"Instead of renting them this' year, and getting the traditional black, the students will buy
their caps and gowns and they will be blue,"
says Sally Meadows, Student Activities secretary. The color is very rich, very nice."
Blue caps and gowns will be available for
purchase at the LCC bookstore May 28-31 from
9 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. Cost for each gown will be
$12.
Students must pick up their gown no later
than 4 p.m. May 30 or they will not be ·able
participate in their commencement ceremony.
Announcements will go on sale along with
other memorabilia on April 1 in the LCC
Bookstore.
Both graduations, though they are on different days, will beginat7:30p.m. All Students are
to meet in the Silva Hall at 6:30.
11

Career fair brings employers to LCC
by Mary Browning
Torch Associate Editor

The U.S. Navy is coming to LCC. So is the
Peace Corps.
Odd combination you say? Well that's just
the beginning. United Parcel Service (UPS),
Sacred Heart Hospital, the Multnomah County
Sheriff's Department, and the Federal Aviation
Administration will also be visiting the campus
as part of Spotlight on Success, LCC' s first annual
campus-wide career fair.
Wednesday, April 3, nearly 30 employers
from several different career fields will meet
with potential employees, says Graduate Placement Coordinator Diane Morrow.
The fair will take place at the north end of the
cafeteria, from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.
Holding a career fair is not a unique idea,
according to Morrow. In the past, individual
departments at LCC have held career fairs for
their specific fields, but this is the first comprehensive career fair.
The employers attending represent several
career fields that match LCC vocational pro-

grams, from Health Occupations and Flight
Technology to Mechanics and Criminal Justice.
"The career fair is a golden opportunity for
studentsand thepublictomeetwithemploy ers
in their field," says Morrow, "or research employers and careers that possibly they haven't
considered yet."
The fair will include a campus tour for participating employers, and drawings for potential employees:
Specifically for nursing students, a drawing
for a stethoscope, donated by Sacred Heart
Hospital, is planned. Open to all who attend are
drawings for tickets to LCCs spring production
of a Midsummer Night's Dream, "and a gift
certificate to the Rennaisance Room.
"I think the energy is going to be really high,"
Morrow says. "It's the opportunity to spark
your potential, to build a dream."
Spotlight on Success is open to the public.
Morrow encourages anyone interested to attend. For more information, contact Morrow in
the Graduate Placement Office, or at 747-4501,
ext. 2164.
II

Hoffrd of Ed oks
supplemental funds
for financial aid
by Mary Browning
Torch Associate Editor

At its March 13 Meeting, the LCC Board ofEducation
authorized the use of contingency funds to supplement
reduced financial aid awards.
Vice President for Student Services Bob Marshall and
Financial Aid Director Linda Waddell petitioned the
board for $100,000 to "soften" the effects of reduced
financial aid awards.
Even with the proposed supplemental funds, Marshall
and Waddell explained, College Work Study funds
have been cut35 percent, and Perkins Loan awards have
been cut 33 percent.
Initially the supplemental funds would be covered
by the board's contingency fund, but would later be
replaced by other financial sources within the college's
budget.
The board approved the expenditure, and agreed
that the administration would decide at a later date
where exactly the replacement funding would come
from.
In response to concerns raised by various student
interest groups, the board sent a tuition increase proposal back to committee.
Science instructor Floyd Weitzel, accompanied by
several senior students, and International Students
Counselor Mason Davis addressed the board and expressed concerns about the fairness of the tuition
committee's proposal and the lack of representation for
senior and international students on the committee.
The board recommended that the committee recruit
representatives from specific student groups affected
by the proposed tuition changes.
In other business, the board:
• approved the division of the Diesel Technology
program into six specific courses.
• accepted the recommendations of child care consultant David Andrews and instructed the administration to begin implementing Andrews' proposals.
• approved the purchase of printing the college catalog from the Springfield News using recycled paper,
provided its quality is found to be adequate.
• approved theappointmentofGayle LynnSmithas
a math instructor.

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March 29, 1991

Pages

You've already got enough
to do.

Need money for tuition?
SELCO's easy to approach
Member Services Department is here to help you.
And, of course, we have
checking accounts made for
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and easy on your
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Page6

March 29, 1991

The Torch

our

a

Firing up the "Utilometer"

Forensics team. has
successful winter

by Donna Gavin
Torch Staff Writer

The LCC forensics team members won ten honors in Northwest competition held at the end of winter term.
Dan Clark also qualified to compete in national competition.
Between January 11 and March 2, the team of eight members
participated in the regional competitions at Willamette University and Lower Columbia College, a national qualifying tournament at the University of Oregon, and a regional meet sponsored
by the Northwest forensics conference at Whitman College in
Walla Walla, Wash.
Clark, who serves as assistant coach, earned a first place in
poetry and dramatic interpretation at Willamette. At the U of 0
tournament, he completed the qualifying process for national
competition in the same two categories.
The national competition, known as the National Individual
Events Tournament, will be in Tacoma, Wash. April 12 and 15.
At Willamette, Marie Cole was second in informative speaking, Cole and Bryan Beban placed second in duo interpretation,
and Behan placed third in persuasion.
Joshua Hendrickson was a finalist in impromptu speaking at
Willamette University and a finalist in poetry interpretation at
Whitman College in Walla Walla.
Andrea Pasutti won first place in prose interpretation at
Lower Columbia College.
At Willamette, Tisha Oehmen took first place in novice
communication analysis, second in both senior division communication analysis and prose interpretation, and a second in
editorial commentary at Lower Columbia.
"We have students capable of doing work in the oral interpretationofliterature,alsoabletocompetein platformspeaking
events," says Breaden, forensics coach. "Excellence in all these
events demonstrates what a well-rounded team we have this
year."
Breaden says training for competition is intense. Forensics
coaching starts with speech analysis, she says, from the basics of
In a demonstration designed to detail the concept of economic utility, instructor Bill
structure and organization to narrowing a topic and using
Burrows sported his self designed "Uti lometer," which gauges satisfaction per unit of
evidence as support.
any good consumed or used.
Students learn about physical presence - delivery skills
• involving gesture, eye contact, facial expression, position of the
body. For oral interpretation, students study dramatic skills,
using vocal and mood variations to illustrate their interpretation
of a manuscript.
"I think many, many people have a drive to compete, but not
all people have the drive to compete athletically. I think that
LCC' s forensics program satisfies that need and the drive for
that we have, but it satisfies it in an intellectual
self-perfection
munities.
measles,
that
warned
Ing
by Jim Forst
LCC students can receive realm rather than a physical realm," Breaden says.
sometimes still thought of as a
for the Torch
The team is looking forward to competing close to home on
relatively harmless childhood measles immunization shots at
LCCstudentsinvolved with disease, is "not a trivial illness the Student Health Service for April 26 and 27 when LCC hosts the community college chamhealth occupations, child care, anymore." She cited a one-in- $16, according to Ing.
pionships for Oregon and Washington states.
or athletic teams would be 300 fatality rate, and the death
required to be immunized for of two women in Washington
measles starting July 1, if pro- state last year, as examples of
posed legislature on the mat- the disease's serious nature.
ter is passed by the Oregon
"If there is a measles outlegislature.
};,reak at LCC, the Oregon State
At a March 6 press confer- Health Department can exence held on campus, LCC clude non-immunized stu30%
student Health Services Direc- dents from class for 14 days,"
TO
tor Sandra Ing told reporters she said.
that Senate Bill LC 1344, which
REFORM
State health officials origiwould affect special groups in nally proposed to require a
ROTRING
the state's community colleges, second immunization for all
STAEDTLER
has a good chance of passing full-time students born after
KOH-I-NOOR
this session.
1957. But under LC 1344, which
Ing said some measles vac- Ing calls "a compromise," stucines developed in the 1950s dents in health occupations or
(LEARPRINT.
and '60's have proven to be child-care would be required
1OOOH DRAFTING VELLUM
ineffective. As a result, she ex- to receive new immunizations
plained that the strain of because they may come into
~;;xs yard
measles known as "hard close contact with patients and
reg. $6.25
1
measles," or rubeola, has young children. And, athletic
reached epidemic proportions team members who routinely
OTHER SIZES ALSO ON SALE:
18"x5 yd 30"x5 yd
among preschool age children travel to other college camand college age adults (17 to 22 puses could also serve to transyears).
mit the disease among com-

Some students may require measles
immunization if state bill passes

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The Torch

March 29, 1991

Page7

;;;;;;;;:;~;~;;;:,::::::,::::::::'.''"' :;:::",:< ' ,::~;;;;,;;;,~~;~; :::~ ;; ,;::::,::,~J

::-

- -~

Commercial playwrights present children's play
by Tracy Brooks
Torch Entertainment Editor

The Playwright's Ensemble Theatre (PET) will present "The
Ogre and the Five Magical Coins" on March 30 at the recently
opened Willamette Street Theatre.
The play, a musical intended for children, is one of the
winners of the Northwest Regional One-Act Play competition
sponsored by LCC this year.
Written by David Cavalier Tucker and directed by Sherry
Lady, the play focuses on the ugliness of greed and lies compared to the beauty of honesty and loyalty. Music for the play is
written by LCC Instructor Don Latarski, with lyrics by Tucker.
PET, an outgrowth of the LCC playwrighting program is a
commercial playwrighting group which incorporates the work
of ~ommunity writers while also providing performing arts
stuaents opportunites to practice and build on the skills they
learn in classes. LCC students who participate also have the
opportunity to earn Cooperative Work Experience credit.
Joanne Pachito is assistant producer, Jennifer French is the
choreographer, and Richard McKenzie is the set designer. Maia
Holliday is . the music director and Enid Lefton is the stage
manager.
Cast members are from the Eugene-Springfield area: Keith
Kessler, Josh Holmes, Jean Campbell, Jennifer French, Erin
Smith, Lee Leornard, Roger Fountain, Kevin Raymond, Kiersten
Whitlow, Shane Meisel, Rayney Meisel, Molly Kesey, Bona
Davis, and Kayla Gardner.
Tickets are on sale for $4 and may be purchased at the door or
by calling 683-4368. Curtain times for the one-day show are 11
a.m. and 2 p.m. Willamette Street Theatre is located between
10th and 11th Streets on Willamette.

·~

photocourtesyofSherrylady

Erin Smith, Keith Kessler and Shane Meisel in "The Ogre and the Five Magical Coins."

STUDEN T GOVER NMENT
91-92 ELECTIONS

~

Prospective candidates attend student
government meeting ........................................................ April 1,3 pm, Boardroom
Deadline for filing ............................................................. April 17, noon, Cen. 479

Elected Positions:

*President
* Vice-President
(Note: President and V.P. on Same
Ticket)

Design students exceed
goal in fundraising dinner
by Joe Harwood
Torch Entertainment Editor

A fundraising dinner sponsored by the LCC Graphic Design
program and Napoli Restaurant reached its $550 goal March 3.
Proceeds from the benefit are earmarked for a poster and
business card project for second-year Design students. Students
contributed all labor for the dinner, including food preparation
and table waiting.
"We received alotofpositivefeedb ackfrom the community,"
says Graphic Design instructor Thomas Rubick. "It was a big
public relations coup for the Design Program."
The presence of a number of local design firms at the dinner
allowed students to gain exposure to possible future employers,
says Rubick.
He cites also the presence of many LCC faculty, staff, and
students as positive. "People really got involved in this event."
Ticket sales totaled approximately $1,100, of which the department retained 60 percent, or $660. Since the wholesale cost
of the poster project is $550, Rubick says, "The students are
thinking of buying something the department needs with the
extra money."
RubickreportsthatNapoliRestaurantco-ownerPaulaScharf
was pleased with the event, and may agree to sponsor another.
"There's a possibility of making this an annual happening,
which is really good for the department," says Rubick.

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

*Treasurer
*Cultural Director
*9 Senators
*1 High School Completion Senator

THAT THERE ARE
INTERIOR STAIRS IN
THE CENTER BUILDING

AND ANOTHER ON THE
l l :l l l l l lr{ONE SE:A~~~H~~~,~RTHwHERE
YOU'U FIND US!)
rn

*Student Resource Center Director
A~ointed Positions:
*Communica tion Director

ttJL

ilUU 111-111/i.1 il

Campus Ministry
center 242
or ca[[ e~t. 2850
A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEME NT

.Pages

March 29, 1991

The Torch

•

.. ..-LI...

-~·

•

J,;,

KLCC listeners pledge $83,500
by Tracy Brooks
Torch Entertainment Editor

After 12 and a half days of Spring Radiothon
1991, pledges from 1,589listenersenabled LCC
radio station KLCC to reach its goal of$83,500.
In the pre-radiothon campaign,
"Thonbusters" pledged $17,910 in membership
renewals, exceeding the "Thonbuster Campaign" goal by nearly $3,000.
KLCC hosts its radiothon each fall and spring
to raise money for National Public Radio (NPR)
dues and other operating costs. One half of the
KLCC budget comes from listener support.
This year, KLCC pledged a $2,500 donation

to NPR to help support the extra coverage
provided during the Persian Gulf War. _
This month, KLCC will air the NPR production "Class of 2000: Family Stories." Airing
April 1-7, "Class of 2000" is a week long series
of reports detailing the changes American family
life has undergone in recent years. The show
will air during "Morning Edition," "All Things
Considered," and "Weekend Edition."
KLCCwill provide local perspectivesduring
the week with interviews of you th and families
in the community.
The series will close with a two hour call-in
on April 7 from noon to 2 p.m.

Sculptures explore cultural myths
by Tracy Brooks
Torch Entertainment Editor

"Chrome Heat/Border
Lights" explores current Western cultural myths which prove
to be the most socially problematicin the Unites States, say
Washington artists Mark

Fessler and Barbara Kolar of
their sculpture display in the
LCC Gallery through April 19.
The theme "Chrome Heat"
originated from the American
cult of the automobile, say the
artists, the near religious fixation Western culture holds for

Photo by Dana Krizan

"Consumption" by Mark Fessler and Barbara Kolar.

the automobile. "Border
Lights" came from an incident
in San Diego. Residents attempted to drive away homeless peoplewhowerecamping
by shining their car and truck
headlights on the campsites.
The works are shown in 16
forms called niches. Fessler and
Kolar explain that the exhibition evolved based on the religious niche.
''We decided to extrapolate
... myths that we as a culture
- have convinced ourselves with
for decades, to the point of
quasi-religious niches, shrines
and reliquilaries," state Fessler
and Kolar. "Some of the myths
are presented as false, some as
flawed and some simply open
to question."
The pieces are for sale, each
at$500.
The artists will each present
a slide lecture. Fessler will
speak on April 22 at 1 p.m. in
Forum309 and Kolar will speak
on April 23 at 10 a.m. in Forum
309. The lectures, which are
after the exhibit ends, are sponsored by ASLCC.
The LCC Gallery is located
on the first floor of the Math &
Arts Building. The hours are
from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m. Monday
through Thursday and 8 a.m.
to 5 p.m. Fridays.

Photo gallery offel"s workshop
by Chris Prather
Torch Staff Writer

The PhotoZone Gallery and
the University of Oregon Craft
Center are sponsoring a Blackand-White Darkroom Workshop for the public this Saturday, March 30.

also has taught at the U of 0,
where she earned a master's
degree in Fine Arts in 1986. She
is a founding member of the
Photo Zone Gallery.
Simone is also a founding
member of PhotoZone and he
too received his bachelor's
degree in Fine Arts from the U
of O in 1981.

LCC Instructor Susie Morrill and local photographer
Says Morrill, workshops are
David Simone will lead the one usually held three times a year
day workshop at the U of O • as a service to the community
EMU Craft Center.
through PhotoZone Gallery.
PhotoZone Gallery is a coopAccording to Morrill, people erative gallery of 20 photograin the workshop will learn how phers which, along with the
to make high quality prints, workshops, also sponsors lectrouble shoot problem photo- tures and monthly shows.
graphic negatives, how to preserve photographs archivally,
The Black-and-White Workalongwith various other speci- shop will take place from 1-5
fied printing techniques.
p.m. at the University of
Oregon's EMU Craft Center.
Morrill teaches black-and- The fee for the workshop is $25
whitephotography at LCC. She and will include all materials,

lab use, chemicals, and instruction. Enrollment is limited to
12 people and 6-8 spots are still
left to be filled. People are encouraged to sign up. For more
informationcall344-5751 or the
Photo.Zone Gallery at485-2278.

Untitled, cast aluminum, steel, H24", 1991

'Trees' on display at Hult
by Tracy Brooks
Torch Entertainment Editor

He's usually behind the scenes at LCC, organizing lectures
and gallery showings. All the while, he teaches students to
sculpt.
But at the Hult Center Jacobs Gallery on Friday, March 29,
exhibition veteran Harold Hoy will take the spotlight with his
sculpture exhibit, "Trees." The Hult Center will host an artist's
reception for Hoy in the Jacobs Gallery, March 29, from 7 to 9
p.m.
According to Hoy, "Trees," which features a medium of cast
and fabricated metal, incorporates man-made objects from a
high tech world and trees. His pieces in the exhibit, all of which
include a tree in some form, center on the confrontation between
man and nature.
"I'm trying to set up a situation where nature and man are
together in the sculpture," says Hoy. "Trees" tries to reconcile
man and nature in a world where nature is no longer the
dominant force, he says.
Hoy's pieces are organic shapes which are contained, surrounded or supported by hard-edged constructions with an
industrial appearance. In this exhibit, he casts metal moldings
using branches and entire small trees. One piece uses an actual
limb.
Hoy would like viewers to draw their own intrepretations of
his pieces, without his own intrepretations interfering. For this
reason, he does not title some sculptures. A title should add to
piece, says Hoy, but not be the major influence.
Hoy has shown his work in over 120 solo exhibitions in
California, Hawaii, New York, Washington D.C., and throughout the Northwest. He earned a master of fine arts degree in
sculpture and painting from the University of Oregon, and has
been on staff at LCC since 1970.
The exhibit will run through April 29. Gallery hours are 8:30
a.m. to 5:30 p.m. Monday through Fridays, and 11 a.m. to 3 p.m.
on Saturdays, and during all performances.

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The Torch

March 29, 1991

Page9

~ ~ ~- Xra

S W w=-â–¡-mâ–¡a

Outdoor Ed. offers variety
by Jesse Helzer
For the Torch

The Physical Education Department is offering special courses this spring, including ice
skating, whitewater rafting, and bicycle touring.
Ice skating, a relatively new course at LCC is
offered in two hour sessions, on Tuesdays and
Thursdays, from 1-3 p.m. at Lane County Ice,
located at the fairgrounds.
According to Bob Creed, P.E. Department
chairman, the ice-skating course, now in its
second year, is going very well.
"This class is suitable for both beginning and
intermediate skaters," says Creed.
An $85 fee is required for the course and
includes both rink and equipment rental, as
well as instruction.
"If you break it down, it's only about $4 per
session," says Creed. Once class time is over,
Creedsays,studentscanstaya ndskateanextra
two hours for free.
An LCC vehicle is available for students
needing transportation from the campus to the
fairgrounds.
For students seeking a bit of adventure,
whitewater rafting class is also available this

spring.
The course includes several class meetings
on campus to discuss safety, equipment, and
procedure. A $30 course fee is required, according to Creed, which includes equipment needs,
two-person rafts, and traveling expenses.
There is an enrollment of 15 students because only so much room and equipment is
available, says Creed. "The class always manages to fill up."
Included in the course, which is held on
Monday, Wednesday and Friday, at 10 a.m., is
an all day trip to the rapids. A second credit can
be earned if a student decides to tackle a second
trap, says Creed.
Students interested in taking a 20 mile bike
tour, as well as receiving instruction on bicycle
equipment and safety, can sign up for Bicycle
Touring, another class offering this spring.
According to Creed, this course has also been
very popular in the past, but enrollment is also
limited to about 15 and students must provide
their own bike,
This course can also be taken for one or two
credits. Students choosing to take a second 20mile tour will earn the extra credit. A $5 fee is
required for this course.

Lettin' it fly

photo by Erin Naillon

LCC student Doug Smalley practices discus throwing for the upcoming Track and Field season.

,amN~~E~1a•MRING Intramural leagues planned for Spring

ril~~liJ!lll ~1~i&I
1

Remember:
recycle this

paper

By Julie Phillipo

For the Torch

The intramural department
at LCC is offering both open
gym activities and team
leagues during the Spring term.
Open gym activities include
badminton, basketball and
volleyball. The weight room
will also be open.
Team sports being offered

include three-on-three co-ed
volleyball, basketball and soccer. Intramural Coordinator
Gary Knapp also says there is a
possibility of adding softball
to this list of sports as well,
depending on the amount of
interest shown.
Knapp says he expects both
the volleyball and basketball
leagues to be popular since

game times are scheduled before 3 p.m. and should fit easily into student schedules.
There is a $1 charge to students that allows them to play
on league teams, Knapp says,
as well as to use the gym during drop-in activity times.
Students can sign up for
intramurals at tl"le Intramural
window in the lobby area of

the Physical Edu~ation Building. Registration deadline for
volleyball is April 2, and April
4 for basketball. Knapp says
time is allowed for last minute
teams or individuals to sign
up.
According to Knapp, the
Spring 1991 intramural season
should begin sometime around
the second week of April.

72 perfectly timed trips
to mom & dad's for dinner

41 trips
to the laundromat

64 trips
to study with friends
3 painful trips
to the dentist

28 trips
to the mall

This year, use you
Do your feet a favor and get an LTD Term Pass. It's
good for unlimited rides everywhere. To class. To the
mall. To the movies. Or back home after a long day on
campus. It'll take a load off your mind-and your
feet-all at the same time.

Page 10

March 29, 1991

The Torch

6get around.
l.T.:l

LTD Term Passes are available
at these outlets:
• LCC Bookstore
• LTD Customer Service Center
• Gateway Mall

Lane1'iansitDistrict

For information call 687-5555

Fundraiser draws to a close
Scholarship fund goal totals $12,500
by Eugene Weaver
for the Torch

What do Richard McClintic, a retired banker, and Ed Anderson, a retired business leader, have in common
with the LCC Foundation?
They are two of 28 volunteers involved in a unique fundraising campaign limited to the Lane County business community, says LCC Foundation Director Joe Farmer. The fund
drive began in late February and will
end March 31.
McClintic, serving as the campaign
chair, says the LCC Foundation's goal
is to solicit$12,500 forthe foundation's
scholarship fund. McClintic predicts,
"The business leaders in the community know that raising money for scholarships is a good and worthy cause ...
and will donate more than the $12,500."
Foundation Board President Anderson says the business community bene-

fits by having skilled people working
for them. And, he adds, " ... businesses
need those trained people - educated
people - and those people are available from here (LCC)."
Farmer says the volunteers involved
in direct soliciting from businesses are
working an average of 7 1/2 hours a
week during the one month campaign.
By contrast, Farmer says it would have
taken him six months of work to match
that commitment.
Farmer believes the business campaign will reach its goal for two reasons.
History has shown, he says, that even
when the economy was sluggish such as the 1930s depression - donations to non-profit organizations increased. And, says Farmer, many LCC
Foundation donors have told him they
do not donate just for the tax advantages, but rather, they give to causes
they believe in, such as education.

photo by Erin Naillon

From left to right, Joe Farmer, Richard McClintic, and Ed Anderson.

·.•,·-:•.•:-:-

CLASSIFIED ADS ARE FREE to LCC
students and staff, 15 word maximum,
ard will be printed on a space available
basis. All other ads are 15 cents per
word per issue, paid in advance. The
TORCHreservestherightnottorunan
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1

1

WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHY by experienced professional. Affordable
rates. Deborah, 746-3878 evenings.
WOMEN'S CLINIC health care. Pap
smears, birth control, pregnancy testing. All services confidential. Student
Health.
FREE LUNCH, 12noon-1 p.m., Thurs.,
HE 113. Starts April 4th. Sponsored by
Baptist Student Union.
HOLOSTICASTROLOGY,since 1972.
Sliding fee. Specializing in transits.
Bobbie Dunkin, 461-0614.

SUMMER JOBS to help the environment. Earn $2500 - $3500. National
campaign positions to stop toxic pollution, promote comprehensive recycling,
and sue the nation's worst polluters.
Available in 26 states and D.C. Campus intvs 4/4 &4/5. Call Jamie: 1-80075-EARTH.•

>><><MESSAGES . . . ••
GRAFFITI GRETCHEN --what a bod
you got -- oh so buxom! Let's get together and ·paint· the town red. The
late Duke Wagonhead. P .S. don't tell
the late Dizzi. She'll kill me (ha ha).
VETS - NEED EMPLOYMENT assistance? Contact Dave Schroeder at the
Vet's office each Wed. from 1 - 4 p.m.

CODEPENDENTS ANONYMOUS
meeting, Wed. 12 noon-12:50 p.m.,
HE 113.

.:,.:.::J. r.';..E.,.•.•.•.-:.::.:\.:!.::.?
\f.:;:;;::::':t:J/FOR/:!SA

NA MEETING, Thursday, 12-12:50,
HE 102.

SHEIK CONDOMS - 6/$1. Student
Health.

ALANON MEETING, Tuesday, 1212:50, HE 102.

TYPEWRITERS. A few good manual
portables: $10 to $25. 343-1328.

AAMEETING,Monday, 12-12:50,HE
113.

MASSAGE TABLE; good condition,
$75. Rita, 747-6736 or 343-5822.

OVEREATERS ANONYMOUS meeting, Thurs., 12-12:50, HE 106.
INTERESTED IN ISSUES affecting
learning disabled students, come to
our support group Thurs, 3-4, GEN
420.

:,:,:,-:,:,:.·.•.:,:-:-:.;::-:-:-:-:,

LUNCH & BIBLE STUDY every Wed.
noon, HE 246. Episcopal Campus
Ministry.

QUEENSIZE WATERBED, padded
rails & headboard. $75. 345-7548.

76 TOYOT A CAROLLA, $200. Phone
747-8692, ask for Bill Rowe.

FREE RECYCLED CLOTHING ... no
strings attached! For LCC students
ard staff. PE 301. Donations welcome.

LCC STUDENT'S DELI. Ceramic coffee cups, $5 filled, 50 cents for refills.
Help support the Deli!

GOVERNMENT SEIZED vehicles from
$100. Fords. Mercedes. Corvettes.
Chevys. Surplus. Buyers Guide. (1)
805 962-8000 Ext. s-6150.•

FREE CF A PERSIAN white odd eye
male. 15 month, good cat, good home
only. 933-2708.

Very nice violin. Must sell. $400 OBO.
Call Lisa, 746-3346 eves.

.·):: elc:v.cLES/ · ••:: . :/:'.:::

BABY RATS. For pets only, please.
683-1957.

90 SPECIALIZED Rockhopper, 19•,
accessories, great bike, 7 months old,
$350. Message, Ext. 2432, Paul Dun-

TYPING
COMPUTER SERVICES: Word processing, resumes, reports, mailing lists.
Quality work, reasonable prices,
prompt service. 343-6658.
FLYINGFINGERSTypingService.$1/
page, up. Fast, accurate, professional.
484-9038.•
WORD PROCESSING; accurate &
reliable. Free pick-up & delivery. Call
Teresa, 935-1905.

THE MESSAGE SECTION of the
TORCH is for friendly, educational,
personal or humorous messages. This
is not intended as a place for people to
publicly ridicule, malign or degrade
any person or group of people. Questionable ads will not be run.

ROBERTSON'S DRUGS
' Your prescription,
' our main concern.

343-7715
30th & Hilyard

NOT FINISHED YOUR ECONOMICS
SEQUENCE?? The Economics sequences will be reorganized and renumbered starting Sept. 91. If you need
to finish the sequence EC 202 or EC
203, plan to do so Spring Term or
Summer Term. See Penny Schlueter
or Bill Burrows in Social Science for
further information.

NOT FINISHED ECONOMICS SEQUENCE?? The Economics sequences will be reorganized and renumbered starting Sept. 91. If you need
to finish the sequence EC 202 or EC
203, plan to do so Spring Term or
Summer Term. See Penny Schlueter
or Bill Burrows in Social Science for
further information.

79 LE BARON, 2-door, vinyl top, good
body & paint, runs great. $650. 6834085.

... .··. .•·.••:•.

EDUCATION

GOVERNMENT HOMES from $1 (U
repair). Delinquent tax property. Repossessions. Your area (1) 805 9638000 Ext. GH-6150 for current repo
list.•
SIL VER REED ELECTRIC typewriter.
Good condition. Needs new ribbon.
$60. 689-2606 after 3 p.m.
TABLE&CHAIRSwithleaf,3'x4'oval,
$50 OBO. 342-7963, ask for Jim or
Julie.

Cruise Ship Jobs
HIRING Men - Women. Summer/
Year Round. PHOTOGRAPHERS,
TOUR GUIDES, RECREATION
PERSONNEL. Excellent pay plus
FREE travel. Caribbean, Hawaii,
Bahamas, South Pacific , Mexico.

CALL NOW! Call refundable.
1-206-736-7000 ext. 600N2

AA MEETING, Friday, 12-12:50, HE
103.

COMMUNITYTELEVISION. Low cost
public access television production is
available in Lane County. Call 3414671.
OSPIRG LEGISLATIVE WATCH group
meets every Fri., 2 p.m., CEN Basement. Contact Laura, Ext. 2166.
OSPIRG TENANTS' RIGHTS group
meets every Thurs., 12:30 p.m., CEN
Basement. Contact Laura, Ext.2166.

OSPIRG HUNGER & HOMELESS
group meets every Wed., 3 p.m ., GEN
Basement. Contact Laura, Ext. 2166.
OSPIRG RECYCLING group meets
every Wed., 11 a.m., GEN Basement.
Contact Laura, Ext. 2166.
OSPIRG ALTERNATIVE ENERGY
group meets every Tues., 3 p.m ., GEN
Basement. Contact Laura, Ext. 2166.
OSPIRG CHAPTER MEETING evert
Tues., 12 p.m., CEN Basement. Con.tact Laura, Ext. 2166.
VETERANS - THE VET REP from the
Employment Division will be at the
Vet's office every Wed., 1 - 4 p.m.
NOTFINISHEDYOUR ECONOMICS
SEQUENCE? The Economics sequences will be reorganized and renumbered starting Sept. 91. If you need
to finish the sequence EC 202 or EC
203, plan to do so Spring Term or
Summer Term. See Penny Schlueter
or Bill Burrows in Social Science for
further information.
CPR & ANTI-CHOKING class (ongoing) Tues.,6-10 p.m.;TheCPRCenter,
335 Mill St. Call 342-3602 to pre-register.
Thank heaven for Little Ones
Wanted: A very special baby for a
child-adoring home in Southern California. Ultimate outcome: Devotion.
Security and Unlimited Love. Please
call (collect)
Attorney (213) 854-4444 or
Ginny (213) 208-1308

Loe-ally
Owried
And

Birthright
of Eugene
Free Pregnancy Testing

"We Care"
Eugene Medical Building
1~2 E. Broadway, Rm. 720
Eugene, OR 97401

687-8651
The Torch

.,..._

Operated

CITY COPY
1288 Willamette
344-5287

M-F 8:30-6 Sat. 11-5
March 29, 1991

Page 11

c~";f~'

trees fiave 6urst into

6!oom.

Lean
Cuisine
College
April 1, 1991

Eugene, Oregon

Vol. 1

•

No. 1

Figurehead trapped in copy machine
Head of Torso staff sucked in when he failed to let go of nickel
by Feather Duster
Torso Staff Plagerizer

Torso Figurehead
DevMann Skinflint is
trapped in an on-campus
copy machine, according
to Torso staff members.
Numerous additional
reports from persons
attempting to use the
machine support this
unlikely claim.
Skinflint's presence in
the copy machine was
discovered by Torso
photographer, Rudolph
Lens, early this morning.
"I couldn't figure out
where all the strange
sounds were coming from.
Then I tried to make a
copy and all I got was a
lousy picture of
DevMann," exclaims Lens.
It is assumed that
Skinflint was trapped in
the copy machine late last
night. Many Torso
employees are puzzled as
to how Skinflint could
have gotten into the
machine.
However, Kelley
"Scrambled" Eggs, Torso
gossip columnist and
astrologer, thinks she's
figured it out. "DevMann
always hated to part with
the nickel it took to make a
copy. We always told him
if he held on to it too tight,
someday he'd be dragged
into the coin slot right
along with it. I guess
someday finally came."
Copy Machine
Specialist Claud Zerocks,
called onto the scene to
assess the situat.ion,
supports Egg's statement,

Torso Astoliger Kelley
"Scrambled"
Eggs and
Torso Asst.
Production
Mismanager
Seashell
Sunburn gaze
into the copy
machine
where Torso
Figurhead
DevMann Skinflint has been
entrapped.

effort, or the effects on
DevMann may be
traumatic."
Until his release,
Zerocks is setting up a
complex form of
communication between
himself and the
figurehead. "His words
are impossible to
understand, and he is
virtually helpless, aside
from controlling elements
of the copy machine.
We've set up a sort of
Morse code type of
language, using a system
of copy reduction and
enlargement, rate of
reproduction and tint,
coupled with the number
of copies produced."
According to Zerocks,
Skinflint's first
interpreted statement was
"It's been sort of an 'Alice
in Wonderland' experience
II

Copies of gourmet
foods and dark beer have
been administered to the
machine, in hope of
nourishing the figurehead.
Zerocks has yet to find out
from Skinflint whether the
food replicants have
worked.

adding, "Skinflint
probably suffered a major
finger cramp as the
machine grabbed the
nickel, and thus couldn't
release the coin."
Counters Eggs, "Nah, I
don't think that's the way
it was. DevMann's just

cheap. That's all there is to
it."
Zerocks is working on a
way to free the figurehead.
"Although DevMann's
release may seem easy, it
requires a lot more than
just unscrewing the lid of
the machine and letting

him climb out. DevMann's
irrational and almost
unbelievable entry into the
machine shows there was
some sort of Psyiosymbiotic metamorphosis
in DevMann's DNA.
Freeing him will require a
sensitive and concentrated

The Torso is still
running on schedule,
despite this disruption.
When asked if the
figurehead's predicament
has hurt or hindered the
paper's quality, Associate
Figurehead Merry
Broomsticks said,"No,
there's another copy
machine down the hall we
can use."

ASLCC President lip-synched Senate reports
by Lacy Looselips
Torso Freelance Fictionalist

Michael Omogrosso, ASLCC [Accentuated Students of Lane's Callous
(student) Cadaver] president, shocked the Senate Monday when his stereo
equipment suffered a meltdo~n during his weekly senate address.
Apparently Omogrosso has been lip-syncing all of his reports since he was
elected last spring.
"We should have known what he was up to when he started to incorporate
new words into his officers reports to make them more interesting," says Miscommunication Director Seth Craig. "I mean, he was never that interesting
before."
When reached by the Torso, Omogrosso could not speak due to a supposed
sore throat. However, he told sources he lip-synched it to be popular.
Hissister-in-law'sroommate'sforrnerco-workeratteststhathesaidhe"just
wasn't good enough without the 'voice.' "

Though it is nottotally certain who the true "voice" is, rumors have surfaced
that LCC President Jerry Moskus could be the culprit. As soon as the scandal
hit, Moskus reportedly left town for a "vacation down the Nile," and cannot
be reached, according to his office.
Maya Thomas, ASLCC president of vice, seems quite happy about the
recent tum of events.
"If everything turns out the way it should, I could be on top by the end of
next week," says Thomas.
"Ain't it just like a man," says Culturalless Director Trish Rosewood
regarding Omogrosso. nlf we had a woman in office, none of this would have
happened."
Omogrosso's deceit has left many senators in shock, who say they feel no
form of punishment would be too extreme.
However, Omogrosso' s future with student government is unknown a tthis
time. Concerned students are encouraged to approach Omogrosso at tell him
off, according to other ASLCC members.

What I'm trying
to say is ...

El

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There's a slogan used by one of the major
television networks to promote its news
coverage, which says, "The world isn't getting
smaller, it's getting closer."
With recent events in the Persian Gulf, and
the reaction on the home front, that statement
rings true, and that's really the theme of this
entire editorial: "The world isn't getting smaller,
it's getting closer."
You know, Imelda Marcos is trying to stage a
return to the Philippines, just two years after the
death of husband, the exiled ruler of the
Philippines, Ferdinand. And, there are reports
that if she gains entry to the islands, she will
attempt to run against Corazon Aquino for
president. Think of that; the Marcos family again
ruling the Philippines. Some things just never
change - Yeah, some things never change.
That's what I'm saying. Forget all that "world
isn't getting smaller" stuff. I don't know what I
was talking about there. My point is, "Some
things never change."
For example, John and Bo Derek: They both
just garnered a "Golden Raspberry Award" for
their efforts in the movie "Ghosts don't do it."
I mean, John and Bo have been making bad
movies for years, and they probably will
continue to do so for years to come. But what
can you expect, because as we all know, you
can't teach an old dog a new trick. Yeah, that's
my point - "You can't teach an old dog a new
trick." Just disregard that "some people never
learn stuff," because I was really out in left field
there. I don't what I was thinking that time. So
forget all that "never learn" stuff, because the
point I'm trying to make is "you can't teach an
old dog a new trick."
Take the residents of the Middle East: they've
began fighting each other since the time of
Christ, and chances are they will only continue
to do so until Judgement Day finally arrives.
And now, they even dragged our own
glorified country, the good 'ol US of A, smack
dab in the middle of it all. Events in other
nations and regions just don't affect only those
living there like they used to. I guess it's true·the world isn't getting smaller, it's getting ...
Oh my. Now just hold on a second. That's what
I'm trying to say: That's my point - "The world
isn't getting smaller, it's getting closer."
So anyway, as I was saying ...

t~c
Figurehead ........, _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ DevMann Skinflint
Auumed to be an E d i t o r - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Merry Broomsticks
Inactivity and Slothllneu Editor - - - - - - - - - - - Couch Potato Jones
Sleaze and Sin Editor _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Trashy Novella
Held Surgeon - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - D u k e Wagonhead
Aneathealologiat - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Seashell Sunburn
Quffn of Snapehota _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Paula Roid
Jack of Overexpoaurea _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Rudolph Lens
Flngerpaintera: Mother Earth, Johnny Plunger, Jackle Watermeion-rhine, Traveless
Glubber
Staff Aatroliger _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Kelley "Scrambled" Ews
Staff Infection ..,..,...._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Jack Teria
Staff A d d i c t i o n - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Tetris
Staff Shrink ........ Just about everyone, 'cuz we're always unloading our problems on one
another.
Receptlonlat .......... _ We fired her after an those 976 phone calls. Man, what a phone bill.
Staff Plagerlara: A bunch of dirty old men In long trench coates who Ike to hang out In
paiks and enlighten little girls.
Production Slaff: Distant relatives of the shoemaker's elves. They do such fantastic work,
and when we're sleeping too.
Embezalment Advlaor - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Secksy Sails
Surgical Advlaor - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Deefree Wannabe
Anal Retentive Advlaor - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Ralph Ralpherson
Printer _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ The Snews

The Torso is astudent mis-managed sleaze rag published merely one time a year on April
t. News Stories are usually exagerated and inconsistent reports intended to alter fairness and
generate confusion whenever posable. Byline& indicate the writer responsble, because we
hate getting blamed foe inaccurate stories and any sort of physical violence should be Incited
on the writers themselves.
Our editorials are a coHaboration of hot air, and opiniated views used to stir up riots and
hostility whenever possble, since excitement is hard to come bythe office. Readers may
submitcommentariestotheTorso--weenjoyagoodlaughnowandthen--butdon'tthinkwfid
adually publish them. We e&pecially Ike the short one, and not those long, boring ones which
we really don·t give a damn about. The figurehead re&erves the right to edit forums and letters
by changing spelling and Intent of the writer's views. becausepersonally, we Ike to spice things
up a bit, just for kicks.
Ali correapondance l'TlJSt be submitted with a nude photo from the waist up. Women are
especially encouraged to submit. Full frontal nudes have first priority or publication, unless, of
course, your appearance works against you (tough luck, man). Please mailallcorrespondance
in discrete, plaJn brown envelopes, or bring directly to the Torso office, the location of which
varies from time to time and place to place, because we always seem to piss some department
off, forcing us to flee in the night to some safe haven.

Opinionated Poll
Question of the Weak: What physical attributes do you
find appealing in members of your preferred sex?

Richie Torquewrench
Petroleum Administration
"Streamline, long
wheelbase, powerful
drivetrain; just like a
'67 Plymouth Belvedere GD<, ripping
through the quarter
mile in under six
seconds.·

April 1, 1991

The Torso

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Trudy Burpe
Acoustic Technology
"I always demand
that my mates have a
huge gut, which
enables them to
ravish me be hearty
power-belches. I
found that those who
have lost incredible
amounts of weight,
only to gain it right
back, generate the
ideal tone and reverberation with their
belches.·

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Lance Whipp
Custom Dressmaking
"Firm and tight, the
kind of look that
deserves leather ...
no, wait ... vinyl; the
kind of body that
deserves to be
draped in vinyl. Burlap
too. Only a certain
type of person, with a
special type of body,
deserves to be
adorned in vinyl and
burlap."

Samantha Bonze
Anatomy and Physiology
"My mates always
have great big ribs,
and great big sternums. I find it incredibly sexy when my
mates' ribs and
sternums protrude a
good six to eight
inches from the rest of
their body.·

Snips & Quips

Sorry, it's over
Dear Editor 0ohn),
I'm sorry my love, but it is
over. I can't see you anymore,
for I've fallen for another editor. Please forgive me.
Jill(ted)

Just a little too
much slang
To the Editor,
It was Saturday. I'd just
broke up with this nun I'd been
seein', and consequently, was
feelin' like a B.A. V. Man, I was
really ready to lay some pipe, so
I called this fifi I know and told
her what was up, but she said
her Aunt Flo had just shown
up. Then she begin to bag on
me, so I said "Hasta la pasta,"
and hung up.
I knew what I had to do:

Page2

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Don my beer goggles, and find
me some breeder in need of a
hormone fix.
Cruising down the boule.vard with a brewha between
my legs, I saw what looked like
a donor across the street. So I
flipped a bitch and headed her
way. She had a fake bake, and
was wearing a C.F.M. skirtwith
V.P.L.s, butl didn't care. As far
as I was concerned, things were
lookin' cas .
Back at her place, things
were gelin'. She put on some
tunes, and we begin to maul. I
was feelin' real industrial, ex.:.
cept of course that by now, I
was really in a ditch.
But then she slipped off her
shoes, and man, she had Frito
toes like five miles of bad road. It
was too much. I headed for the
john to talk to Ralph on the big
white phone.

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Roberta Slimfast
Nutrition
"Skinny, skinny men ..
. with a receding,
almost invisible butt. I
like my men when
you can hang them
on a clothesline and
they whip about in
the wind, and when
they can fit through
the mail slot in my
door, so they can
sneak in and surprise
me."

Jerry Buff
Cosmetic Surgery
"Well, I find that I'm
really attracted to a
someone with a sleek,
lean, synthetic look like plastic. There's just
something about
plastic that really gets
me going. It's kind of
hard to explain"

She called to me, saying "l
hope you brought a party hat, "
but man, no way was I going to
throw the dagger with her.
College life can be such a
bitch.
Random Joe

Torso praised
To the Editor,
The Torso is justtoo hip. The
undulating typography sends
me into a frenzy. The streamlined muscularity of the page
design makes my blood boil.
Never before in my life have I
witnessed such excitingly proportional layout. The overall
strength and tone of the body
copy - incredibly lean, not a
single ounce of excess fat -leaves me so breathless. Please
keep building on your exceptionally defined publication.
Blaze (of American Gladiators
fame)

ASLCC Sencite nleets in New York: little accomplished
by Bystanza lnnocenzia
Bent out of shape Torso Writer

[Accentuated
ASLCC
Students of Lane's Callous
(student) Cadaver] held a
special Senate meeting on April
Fool's Eve in order to gauge
student support for a more
serious approach to joking
about student government.
The meeting was held in New
York City, deep in the heart of
the Statue of Liberty's torso,
because ASLCC Officers did
not want the Torso to find out
about their humorous plans.
According to ASLCC
President of Vice Maya
Thomas, a lovesick Torso
reporter secretly donated the
round-trip tickets toASLCCin
order to persuade the Senate to
bring Sione Araujo back to the
U.S. from Brazil before she
becomes a spinster woman.
"He said that a good woman
is hard to find," Thomas said.
"But he also told me that
presiding vice transfers easily.
He made no sensemilla, but
we all appreciated the tickets."
Senator Dan Christensen
opened the Senate meeting by

throwing a brick through the
window of Liberty's torch.
"People need to liberate their ·
illusions of democracy,"
Christensen said. ''This country
is wallowing in Maya's
deception."
He then poked his head
through the broken window,
intending to declare the
liberation ofliberty' s flame, but
instead he just began choking
on the smog.
Miscommunic ation
Director Seth Craig made a
motion for the Senate to pay
for the broken glass. Before
ASLCC President Michael
Omogrosso had finished
talking about Craig's proposal,
however, the entire Senate had
fallen asleep (it was later
learned that Omogrosso has
been lip-synching ASLCC
Senate reports. See related
story, page 1).
Culturaless Director Trish
Rosewood woke up when
Omogrosso said, "We need to
be careful that our average
points do not take any
unprotected dips."
Rosewood snapped to
attention, and said that

The Archives List
Winter, 1991
Congratulations to ,~he following students who were expelled
from LCC after winter term, in reward for repeated violations of
academic probation. Most of you probably didn't even know
they were enrolled here.
Larry Bud Mellman
Dana Krizen
Jerry Ford
Gilligan
The Skipper too
The Millionaire & Wife
Judge Wapner
Rusty the Bailiff
Andy Warhol
J. Danforth Quayle
Devan Wilson
Alfred E. Nueman
Elvis Presley
Norman Bates
Mother
Akbar and Jeff
Tracy Brooks
Mother Theresa

Fruit of the Loom guys
The Kool-Aid Jug man
Those Seven-Up spots
Jim Beam
Jack Daniels
Dr. Pepper
Mr. Pibb
David Lynch
Eraserhead
Mary Browning
Bob Barker
Don Pardo
Wiley Coyote
Felix the Cat
Pogo
Milli Vanilli
Erin Naillon
Granny Clampett

Darien Waggoner
Geraldine Ferraro
Vivian Leigh
Mighty Mouse
Dudley Doright
Tess Trueheart
Mr. Magoo
Yogi Bear & Booboo
Mr. Ranger
Jolly Green Giant
Sprout
Regis Philburn
Kathie Lee Grifford
Vanna White
Robert Catalano
Iggy Pop
Ninja Turtles
Vanilla Ice

Senate Meeting
held here
whether they are big or small,
our points should be careful
about sinking into unknown
territory.
Embezzlement Director
♦ Laura Rodgers reminded the
• Senate that "How big people's
points may be has absolutely
nothing to do with how
sensitive they are," she added.
In other business, an irate
student made a statement from
the gallery over a short-wave
radio donated to ASLCC by
former ASLCC President and
Marines Reservist Andy
Harris. Recently, Harris
returned from Saudi Arabia to
LCC with 30,000 Iraqi prisoners
of war.
"These Iraqis are crazy,"
said Preppera Zionzy. "Five

times a day, they block the road
going into the school and bow
toward theEast,asifLCCwe re
some Mecca," he complained.
"Their women will not talk to
our men, and their men are
always talking to zillions of our
women."
Student Recourse Center
Director Ernie Woodland
replied toZionzythatifhew as
bothered by the Iraqis blocking
traffic, he should slow down
and study why they bow
toward Mecca so often.
"Find a copy of "The Satanic
Verses" by Salman Rushdie,"
Woodland said. As for the Iraqi
men socializing with American
women, Woodland said that
"freedom breed competition."
The next Senate meeting will
be on the Galapagos Islands,
off of the coast of Ecuador, and
will feature an address by the
oldest tortoise in the world
about letting the hares run
out of fuel and also about the
honor of wrinkles. The
meeting will begin at 3 a.rn.
Southern Pacific Time and
will be held on the bikini atoll
next to furry seals' beach.

The • t
ed Students
A ssoc1a
Camou s Calend ar

MONDAY, April 1:
-Greateful Dead - Perform at noon in
the cafeteria

MONDAY, April 1:
-Compulsive Hand Washers - Support
group, meets at 3 Rm

MONDAY, April 1:
-*OSPIRG - M~scle car show, 1 - 4am
main gym.

MONDAY, April 1:
-Fred Orther - Speaks on the benifits
of radical right wing
conformity in Oregon

MONDAY, April 1:

Frigid, coldhea rted
~--1-li, I'm
celibate girls ma~1ne
Waiting to talk to you!
Confessions, fanatsies ...
Call anytime. Lines open 24 hours

off
b:l!

-LCC Administration - Will hold a
seance to hear Janis Joplin sing
3:00 in the boardroom.
-Campus Ministry - Free movie showing: The Exorcist

Cet

BE EXCELLENT TO EACH OTHER

1-900-TOO COLD
The Torso

April 1, 1991

Page3

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Mh
anti-~u:=af~r:~~a'!1adi, commander of the
corned with open annssa1d Quayle would be wel,.,..
,,A
.
.
.
\
. ny friend of "Barbie" (the d 11) .
mine."
o 1s a fnend of
A1-!-famadi's on1 cone
.
the ability to accept ~dicul eT wh~s if Quayle has
anatomy
e or Is lack of frontal
•
"Mychildrenhave
.
years and I'm sure th!layed w1thhis1ikenessfor
ference, however the yl~ould not ~now the difunfamiliarwith West o eI generation of Arabs
fun with him,,
emcu turemayhaveabitof
When asked if wit
.
wishes of the Isla .e Malnlyn would respect the
over h f
mic cu ture by wearing a ·1
not. I':~ b:~~ ~ua1e replied, "I don't see :~~
my head at man:~h ~~ ~ear a lamp shade over
Mr. Qua le w
I ~ ouse state dinners."
soon as Sad~a~ Hho ¾_'Ill_ leave Washington as
new appoint
us~em is overthrown, sees his
✓/If Mr. Bu:~~c~~ msurance for his future.
ticket, at least I won't~ to drop me from the 1992
Daddy and Mommy a:;e tokgho straight home to
'
as t em for money."

'J \ '.

tiy'

./

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< ..::::),

by Karl Sideburns .
•• ~? \
Torso National Affairs Writer h
ounced April 1 that
_. /.... '1_....
.
G ge Bus ann
I.
- ,I
President eord. military equipment to s
~-\ ,
he would be sen i~g
sed to Iraqi leader
-, _
lamic fundamei:'-tahsts ~p~ the group would
,.
''. }
Saddam Hussein, pro':1dd t J Danforth (Dan)
u s Vice Presiminister.
en. •
/ accep t • • . d f
•
Quayle as their e_ ense has shown an uncanny
"The vice-pres1?entu ,, said Mr. Bush, "and
s best interest f~r the
ability to s~rew _things
since it ism this co~n otent we feel he is the
Iraqi military to~ 1TP
'
right man for the l~~ed ecstatic about his new
:--i- .•--,-•-------.--•<
Mr. Quayle s~ .d he is looking forward to
app0intment an sa1 . h
•on
helping to keep peace :~s~ :or~e~ch iraqis how ~o
"I wil~ ~se my e~~= and who they must pay m
avoid military servi eir cowardice."
.
order to cover up t~ off questions about_h1_s lack
Quayle shn:1gg; lin with Pan-Arabic issues
of exp~rie~~e i~s f!~e l I watched Ira,qn,1pI1lOLJ~"
by say1~_g, (~es soquestioningmy
i!}l•i~fi\l~t\\~t~tf:1,tr:..
at leasdt _1vbe. ~ without foundation."
a goo JO i
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Bash of ere ative parking ccluses furor at LCC
by Merry Broomsticks
Assumed to be an Editor

Administrators, concerned
k f
" sh ou tbrea o
by ~ ra arkers" called a
creative p . last week to
ublic meeting .
p
discuss the issue.
"I've been here looking for
a parking space since 1986,"
one shaggy, bearded man
cried. "I ran out of fuel in '87,
and when I got back with a
can of gas I couldn't find my
car." He was one of 150
students who showed up at
the meeting to discuss
parking difficulties and
students' solutions.

"I don't have any
problems finding a place to
park since I built the "Sealy
Spring Hyperdrive Arbor
Injector System" for my
Volkswagon Bus," remarked
one industrious
manufacturing technology
student, who parks his bus in
a plum tree on campus. ✓/The
only problem," he says "is
that birds keep nesting in the
wheel wells."
At the meeti~~' 11
.
t rs offtc1a y
admimstra o that a laterumors
.
h
denied t e
_ sporting
0
1
model Vo v ndred
several hu was found
.
bumperstickers -

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Flashed by Paula Roid

,
·:2

£

.!!!
~

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j
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Page4

April 1, 1991

The Torso

On-campus parking has been made available on roofs of various buildings on campus,
including the Performing Arts Building, which is undergoing reinforcement to handle
the added weight.
theingenui
parked in President Jerry
of LCC studty and creativity
sewage Ponds.
•
ents det
Moskus' office •
to get an ed
~rmtned
ucation.
Buzz, who used to run a
d ~ays Moskus ny
chop-shop, and is currently
Concerns about possible
efmitely wa , here most
on parole for grand theft
damage to the roofs of the
ti;,'Y office, th!~~~ a Volvo in
auto,
is studying auto body
and
the
Performing
Forum
~ boardroom vo was in
and fender technology. He
Arts Buildings were brought
Pmtos and p • I s:e mostly
acers m here ,,
offers another solution.
up. One administrator
•
suggested weighing the cars
Moskus admitted that he
"I'll
before allowing them to be
style nfa~~our cars valet
was puzzled as to how the
parked on top of school
just 1:ave ~ 0 problem ...
cars actually got into the
eyourke
•
buildings, while another
ys with
me and you'U be
Administration Building, but
advocated using inflatable
of by the 'ol B taken care
he attributes their presence to
uzz-er-oo."
rafts to float cars on the

Masked contestant wins bull-throwing contest
Couch Potato Jones
Inactivity and Slothliness Editor

LCC's athletic department sponsored a charity "Bull-throwing" contest
on March25 to benefit The Poor and Destitute Students (PADS) Association.
Contestants were required to shoot a line of bull farther than their
opponents. This was accomplished by telling the most outrageous fish
story, recount of athletic prowess, covering up of the truth or out-and-out
lie.
Twenty-four "bull-throwers" were separated into four different heats
with the winner of each heat immediately entered into the semi-finals. The
semi-final winners then competed for the championship.
The four semi-finalists were ASLCC President Michael lmesomogrosso,
Torso Photo-editor Midol Mama, LCC student H. R. Haldeman, Jr., and a
masked participant from the Financial Aid Office.

Imesogrossowonhisheatwith the simple and effective, "Trust me.", the
flagrantly used cockamamie bull story of all politicians.
Photographer Midol Mama used the old standby, "I'll pay you when I get
the money." and Haldeman said, "My father was innocent."
Using a line familiar to LCC students, "We'll get your financial aid to you
as soon as possible," the masked participant put her first round heat
competition to shame.
Imesogrosso earned his place in the final by uttering, "I've never yelled
at anyone in my life."
However, Imesogrosso was annihilated by the masked participant's
entry of, "This must be your mistake; we don't make any."
PADS Fundraising Coordinator Pauvre Bebe said the organization had
comefarshortofreachingits$168,249goal.Atpresent,hesaid,totalreceipts
from the contest were only $12.98.

Duck pond bathing facility brings revenue to LCC
Paddy Irishspring
Sporting Torso Reporter

Due to budget shortfalls as a result of Measure 5, the Physical Education department
announced hot showers, cold showers, or showers of any kind will no longer be available in
the athletic facility after April 1, 1991.
According to Shower Director Seymour Butts, however, the duck pond on the northwest
comer of the LCC campus will be open to all students wishing to wash their bodies after
athletic activities.
"It's the duck pond or nothing," says Butts. "The only other alternative was to construct
a sweat collector to recycle body fluids, but the cost of such a machine would be more than
the water and electric bill combined."
The new pond facility will be fitted with a retractable wall to insure both segregated
bathing times for humans and to allow ducks to intermingle without regard to gender.
"The ducks don't seem to mind and it will save the college a lot of money," Butts explains.
"Besides we've found unexpected revenue enhancements because of this idea."
According to Butts, the duck excrement has remarkable skin regeneration properties and
a section of the pond will be cordoned off for collection purposes.
"This has a two-fold advantage," says Butts. "First, woman using the pond will have softer
skin (al though Butts points out there are some odiferous side effects to using the substance),
and the school can sell the excrement to Revlon and Clairol."
In addition, Butts says, the rare sea gull feces has been known to the extend the length of
certain male body parts.
"In Washington D.C., this substance is considered an aphrodisiac."
The P.E. Department also announced it is considering a new pilot "adopt-a-duck"
program.
"Although the program is in the planning stages, I think it's another excellent fund raising
idea," said P.E. fundraiser Hasno Sense.
Sense says persons wishing to adopt a duck will pay five dollars per bird and for their
donation will receive an autographed picture of the bird,a duck family history,and a weekly
report about the flight pattern and mating habits of each particular duck. Each donation will
also include a small amount of duck excrement as an added bonus.
Buttsbelieves,intime,studentconcernsaboutthecleanlinessofsuchanarrangementwill
disappear.
"They (the students) will be having so much fun swimming with the ducks and other
migratory birds that the fact they are bathing in pond scum and bird droppings won't even
cross their minds."
Students wishing to reserve time must call Butts at the P.E. Department at 2812.
'We expect to be filling up the pond in fair weather or fowl," says Butts. "It's important
for students to make their reservations early."

Men's (Bucks) bathroom at new duck pond bathing
facility has state-of-the-art toilet paper dispenser.

Married students in state of wedded bliss
by Fred Merkle
Torso Staff Infection

A recent survey conducted by the Torso revealed the favorite pastime of LCC's married
males is watching football on television while
gorging themselves with a plethora of junk food.
The survey asked male students a wide range
of questions in two categories: 1) Leisure activities on and off campus, and 2) Shared marital
activities. In both categories, "Spending all weekend watching football games while eating immeasurable amounts of junk food." was the favorite activity of the respondents.
Survey author Dip Dorita says the questionnaire was designed to address concerns of LCC' s
female students about marital boredom and
spousal neglect.
"Because of this survey, we now know that
male students on the campus are relativelyactive
and happy in their marriages," comments Dor. ito.
Dorito says he is not surprised by the fi
results of the survey and feels the number
answer is indicative of wedded bliss.

"The husband gets to both watch football and
eat while the wife gets to cook and exercise. She
shows her love by her service and the man shows
his affection by not passing gas while she's in the
room."
Simper Ring, the wife of one respondent, was
surprised by her husband's responses to the
questionnaire.
"I thought making love would be way down

J,..4

0--~

°'

on his list in one category," she says. Ring, however, added she was not surprised this activity
was so low in the "shared marital" section.
The top five favorite on and off campus activities for male students, according to Dori to, were
1) Watching football and ..... , 2) Sexual activity
with female homosapien partners, 3) Talking
about sexual activity with female homosapien
partners, 4) Taking measurements ofcertain parts
of their anatomy, and 5) Washing their personal
vehicle.
In the shared marl tal activity category, the top
answers were 1) Watching football and ......, 2)
Sleeping, and 3) Shopping for new tools and
lawn care machinery. There were no other significant numbers for other activities in this category.
Dori to says prospective wives have nothing to
fear. "After the first few months of marriage,
women won't have a thing to worry about. If the
is fed, serviced, and humored in the first
•.after the wedding, women can pretty
hey please; as long as they do it

April 1, 1991

Pages

t:.<'~~\~•, or¾-)6.Y 'l " ° '~ e 5
retchen Graffitti, an East Ge nn
an ref
living spray painting aparunent ugee has made a
buildings, phone
company consumer complaint
l,oothS, store fronts and
industrial rooftops throughou
t aroerica- She is now at
woLC
Cdoff
rke
wieri
thng
gan
cla
ssend
gla
s in
mecla
ssic
mb
ersgra
froffit
m We
ti sty
les
st
L.A
, hav
clo
. gro
and
ing
set
a
up
calling thetnselves "Midwest
Wives for a good
titne•"
"l have
worked my
,;
artistic expres-

Ms- Graffitti has perfortne
pieces wi th inusicial groups on d and created her art
Political groups, such as the "Llvideos and for extremist
beration of Slugs" moveroent. She has stated that she is
very attached to those
litt
slim
on-lesite
es-ays
He
,''O
r cla
wisse
wileek
ths5qu
l incylud
Froem,
slid
esnte
Wi
frorla
tn nd
he in
r art
wo
Da
n rkQUayle' s bathroom, "an d "Th
e last rights
of the Blues artist, Jim MOrrisonHer previous works hav"e includ
ed
bing
Cristo' s "Curtain" wi
th toxic waste baggiesbom
filled with
Oay-Glo orange paint, painting
slogans and graphic descriptions of U.S. MilitarY Units
on leave at the Smithsonian and streaking the TransAmerican building in San
sio
n for
and
thno
Polpro
pin
iticfit
k pig
al Fra
desnci
ignsco
s, inwiho
r of
a Sagyn Franci police chief.
statements, bu t
When asked why she decsco
ided to teach at LCC.
mostly for free.
Graffitti said,'''fhey offered roe
No w I am ready
ino
rights in the art deparunent. Sin ney and squatters
to expand my
from my shed in Glenwood for ce I had just 1,een evicted
rolling chickens in paint
horizons by
and brushing them against tar
ps
for a certain frantic irooffering my
pression, I thought the offer wa
s
followers, I mean
presence on campus will encult timely. Besides, my
ure students to the under\
students,
ground artist movement across
opPortunityan
to
erica-"
Prerequisites for her claAm
ss are Chemistry 101, and
learn Poise and
Abnormal Behaviour. First yea
blowby wchbeing accepted this ten n du e r Art students are not
to bu dg et cuts, bu t athletes
niques through
with scholarship inoney are now
being enrolled wi th
the use of spray
insuuctor pennission.

G
.

-

s.~\O.S

~

j' T h e N a k e d N e w s w r it
e r ' c a u s e s p a in
Justin Me llif lue nt

review by

enema, and for all these reason
s I mu st recommend it as a mu
see production!
st
The currentrenditionof "The Na
ked
Ne
ws writer" by Leuella
The abysmal nat ure of thi s
Rosella Bonzella bei ng sta ged
in
unrestrained litany of negativ pla y can only be hinted at by an
tur e of the dramatic arts. Im ust the city is an appalling caricae
a pur ity and perfection wh superlatives,and thus it attains
forcing myself to end ure a vie exp res sm yp hy sic alp ain wh ile
ich is equalled only rarely
wing of this play.
Broadway, and never, until now
on
The play is pro duc ed by a
, on a provincial stage. Failing
completely at a romanticist
theatrical criminal, an d claim financial imbecile, directed by a
por
s
thr oug h the neo-realist perspe trayal, the play is catapulted
stage retching lines in an oth a cast wh o straggle aro un d the
erwise seemingly pos thu mo
mentality, to a vacuous and insctive, pas t a post-impressionist
performance. Perhaps it sho
us
uld be considered good fortun
of symbolist and existential theipid contrapuntal juxtaposition
tha t the lighting and sou nd
were atrocious, because theatee
elemental tru th is present bu mes whose textures signify an
goers were spared the traumatic
r
t ultimately ineffable.
exp
erie
nce
of viewing a hodgepo dg e of ludicrously scant and
,
Th
e
pla
y
is
tra
nsm
ogr
ified
cophony of musical intrusion offensive costumes and a catesque hyperbole to an inspir from a vapid melange of gros.
ed. revelation of elemental fac
All things considered, this
The pain and infuriation of a
t.
no
n refundable ticket is justified
of being intellectually sw indpla y leaves one with the feeling
by
the
sur
viv
al
of
a
consummatel
"The Naked Ne ws wr ite r'' hasled and emotionally violated.
On a scale of one to ten, I am y bad play.
all the appeal of an un wa nte
d
absolute zero, and an enthusias forced to give this play an
tic thu mb s up.
Torso "Siskal & Ebert" Wannab
e

S t\ c_{-._

by Tra shy Novella

u.r1 d f' u v ;

c d \\ c a.7pr~eci o.. ~\on

Sin and Sleaze Editor

It has an unconventional des
unartistic. It's been com par ed ign which some wo uld call
to
enscripted on ancient cave wa cru de dra win gs found
lls.
Whatever critics mi ght say
abo ut it, however, stick art is
the recent rage in the art wo rld
and LCC will hav e a chance
,
show ope nin g next week. to dis pla y the new art form in a
Stick art originated in Eugen
Dizzy Dali. According to Dali's e by four year old art ist
the art wa s discovered in a loc spokesperson and mother,
wh en Dali was dra wi ng on theal restaurant, Foe Hederigo' s,
critic Picasso Pastel, wh o hap pap er tablecloth. Famous art
pened. to be in the res tau ran t
the time, was "struck by the
simpleness" of the stick designat
He describes it as "one of the
.
ever invented." He hails Dali mo st charming new art forms
as "one of the greatest artists
ou r time."
of
"We're really excited abo ut the
show," says Gallery
Director Ha rol d (Hank) Hoy.
"Since stick art wa s bo rn as an
art form her e in Eugene, the
sho
interest from stu den ts and the w is really gathering a lot of
po pu lar right no w tha t we 're public alike. Stick art is so
artist to present a class nex t tereve n thinking abo ut asking the
m."
Ho y notes tha t child labor law
in hiring Dali as a par t-ti me ins s could present a pro ble m
tructor.
Senator Jesse Helms (R, No rth
Carolina), noted art
oppositionist, called a congre
ssional meeting shortly after
the adv ent of the art form to
discuss its merit in the art wo
rld

Page 6

April 1, i991

The Torso

and how the National En dow
me
regard it. In a press conferenc nt for the Arts should
e
commented, "Finally, an art after the meeting, Helms
for
embodies the clean, pu re, inn m has been developed that
ocence tha t art sho uld have.

We've had eno ugh of this free
art will set a pre ced ent for the expression. Hopefully, stick
future. Artists could take a
lesson from Dizzy."
Although Helms' end ors em
somewhat am ong critics, stic ent dam pen ed enthusiasm
k art is maintaining its pop ula
ity wit h the public.
r-

Students slain in bizarre love trapezoid
Siame5ie twin shoots sister and her lover in disgust over relationship
by DevMann Skinflint
Torso Figurehead

LCC students Duke Wagonhead
and Dizzi Brownywere brutally slain
Monday, April 1, on campus as a
result of their involvement in a
bizarre love trapezoid.
Wagonhead was to marry Dizzi
Browny, much to the dismay of her
siamese twin, Mimi.
Witnesses say Wagonhead and
Dizzi were ind ulgingin some serious
petting, when in sheer disgust, Mimi
pulled a large caliber handgun from
the confines of her bloomers and
shotWagonheadintheneck.When
Dizzi began to scream hysterically,
Mimi turned, faced her twin, and
fired several rounds at Dizzi's head.

Passersby then wrestled the gun
from Mimi's hand and held her until
Campus Security officials arrived on
the scene.
Friends of Wagonhead and the
twin sisters say an incredible amount
of turmoil was brewing between the
"three, or two, or whatever."
Michelle Sunburn, a close friend of
the twins and Wagonhead, ·says
Mimi confided in her that she "hated
Wagonhead with a passion. Mimi
told me that when Dizzi and Duke
would get intimate, it made her
nauseous. She said she couldn't live
with their relationship, but I had no
idea she'd resort to something this
horrifying."
When questioned as to why the
scenario was being termed a "love
trapezoid," Campus Security

"Shot" by the late I. Witness

This photo of siamese twins Mimi and Dizzi Browny, along with Dizzi's fiance Duke Wagonhead, was snapped
just moments before Mimi turned on her twin and Wagon head and shot them in cold blood.

officials responded to say, "Well,
considering the status of Dizzi and
Mimi's link to each other, a 'love
triangle' didn't really seem
appropriate. We finally settled on a
trapezoid."
Mimi Browny is scheduled for
arraignment in the case later this
week. Campus Security will direct
the ensuing investigation, though

Iraqi POWs to enroll at LCC
by Conscienceless Observer
Torso Beet Reporter

More than 30,000 Iraqi prisoners of war ·have enrolled in
LCC' s Dislocated Worker Program, after being smuggled out
of Saudi Arabia by former
ASLCC [Accentuated Students
of Lane' sCallous (student)
Cadaver] Presidents John Millet and Andy Harris.
Both men have been dishonorably discharged from th~ U.S.
Armed Force Reserves following disclosure of their unauthorized activities.
Harris and Millet were both
members of the Reserves when
called upon for fellow bus.hwack duty due to the sodomizing of the Middle East.
Speaking to the Torso via
telephone, Harris said, "These
soldiers are now dislocated
workers, and LCG' s program
is one of the best in the nation,
so I brought them home with
me."
Harris said that Millet had
acquired a Soviet transport
plane to fly the POWs to Eugene. Millet claims that he was

awarded the jet from the Soviet Union as a peaceful gesture, originally in order to carry
Iraqi prisoners of war from
Southern Iraq safely back to
Baghdad.
"All my buddies kept complaining about having to feed
thousands of Iraqis, so I tried
to help," Millet said.
Upon the urging of Harris,
Millet decided to use the jet for
smuggling the detained Iraqis
to LCC, rather than to Baghdad.
The fact that the Iraqis had not
taken a bath or brushed their
teeth for the past four months
also influenced Millet's decision.
The POWs are currently
camped out on top of the hill to
the southwest of LCC, and are
registered for spring classes.
Harris said that federal financial aid officials found out
about the dislocated POWs
because they were filling out

alternative but to drag Dizzi's
decomposing corpse with her
throughout the en tire trial proceeding. But then if you ask me, it's just
dessertforthatvindictivelittlewitch.
She deserves to face the result of her
actions for the rest of her life, and
since the twins are linked, that'll be
the case. Everywhere Mimi turns, a
dead rotting Dizzi will be there."

Mimi Browny's guilt in the matter is
unquestioned.
The aftermath is also resulting in
an equally bizarre situation as
though Mimi Browny suffered no
harm in the death of her twin, they
are still linked to each other.
Said one Security Official, who
asked to remain nameless, "It seems
certain that Mimi will have no

financial aid forms. Consequently, Harris and Millet have
been denied any future opportunity to receive financial aid.
Aviation Maintenance was
listed as the most popular
program for the Iraqis to enroll
in. Aviation Tech instructor
Chuck Wingberg said that he
is excited to have these new
students.
Harris and Millet said that
they do not mind being discharged from the Reserves or
being denied further financial
aid because Soviet President
Mikhail Gorbachev is planning
to soon announce Oregon's independence from the U.S.
Until that happens, Harris
said, they plan to become reforestation contractors and to
put the Iraqis to work planting
trees while they appeal the
federal government to reconsider their eligibility for financial aid.

Wrap fish in this paper

Talk

r al fk

Impotent,
sexually
·d isfunctional
Waiting, right now,
to talk to you.

• Fantasies
• Dreams
• Secret Desires
• Favorite recipes

1-900-Dried Up
Lines open 24 hours
The Torso

April 1, 1991

Page7

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' ..1>

Horr£6£e Scopes
Dictated from the stars by Kelley "Scrambled" Eggs
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) This month you will
rear-end a police car while looking at some
gorgeous babe walking past. The policeman will
beyourex's fatherwhoneverlikedyou anyway,
which gives him the perfect opportunity to give
you a drunk driving test in front of all your
friends. You will then be given an outrageous
ticket before he asks for your insurance card,
which you haven't updated yet this month.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20) The raging bull that
has been haunting you in your dreams will crash
through the front window of your home, wreck
everything in sight, and steal that stash of
condoms you've been hiding in the old boot
under your bed. You will be forced to abstain for
the rest of the month. Make sure you stop by
ShopKo on the way home tonight for a bottle of
Vaseline· and some batteries.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Double dates are
definitely out of the question. Wait to get your
nipples pierced until yournose hole heals. Don't
eat any birdseed although you feel the warmth
of spring upon you. Oh, and please don't drive
through any car washes this month as it may
drive you to a sudsy suicide.
CANCER (June 21-July 22) Later this month
you will find a festering butt-wound on your
cheeks. It will multiply to such a huge quantity
that you will probably lose your job and become
addicted to rubbing alcohol, all the while be~g
mistaken as the Elephant Man. There is help,
call 1-800-FESTERS.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) Oh no! Get rid of your
stupid hair trick, it's doing nothing for you babe.
Rent the movie "Eraserhead" and invite over
three friends to pick the carpet. Try not to sleep
in due to possible swelling of that blister on your
inner thigh, and make sure to eat plenty of
roughage.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Just stop faking
orgasms, you know the neighbors know you do
it. Throw out all your tight underwear and invest
in an exercise bike for comfort. Get a subscription
to "Get A Life" magazine and meditate nude in
front of your neighbors' car. Maybe you'll get
somewhere ... or someone.
LIBRA (Sept.23-Oct.22) Balancing out your life
will be impossible this month. You will gain at

least 1Spoundsduetocompulsiveover-eating.
More often than not, this is followed by severe
diarrhea, which will cause deep creases on your
butt. You will need to shop at K-Mart for some
stretch Levis. Don't feel bad; no one will know.
Stay away from any and all video stores.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) This month looks
like it'll be very unsexually satisfying- no dates
due to an extreme attack of bad breath. This will
escalate to the point of needing new pillow
cases due to the holes your breath will burn in
the old ones. Since you sleep on your side,
hopefully you can at least use the holey slips for
a cover for your head. Make the best of it.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 20) Okay, so
your lover told you he/she preferred his/her dog
to you, and your friends left you in the Texaco
bathroom on the way to the best party of the
year, and your dog ripped apart all your clothes,
and so you were walking to your math class, in
the rain, when your umbrella is blown away and
your hairpiece falls off and the guy next to you
couldn't stop laughing because he had a
mannequin flashback ... so what seems to be
the problem? Consider yourself lucky.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 21-Jan 19) Well, just as you
figured, this is not your lucky month, and frankly
I have no gratifying news for you unlucky "Caps."
There's no new job opportunities, there's no
new love of your life, no new friends, or any new
income. Most likely if the stars serve us right,
you'll probably lose your job, your home, and
your pet (a dog most likely - an ancient pet
stricken with arthritis, cancer, heart problems,
and probably has lost most of the hair around its
butt). So remember, "Be happy," and as far as
your lucky days go, you have none.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Stop the water
sports, but wear your nose plugs anyway,
especially if you happen to date a Scorpio this
month. Be sure to pick up your food box at
Goodwill before 4:00 today.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) You guppy. Change
your underwear. This month's party tip: Invite
the neighbors over, whip up a jello mold with
headless naked Barbies floating inside, and be
sure to put on Zamfir's Greatest Hits before you
play Twister naked.

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