-Lane Community College-

A ril 1, 1993

E

Eugene, Oregon

Volume 28, Issue 18.5

r-------------------,

I Get your Organic Brewskis @ the home of
I
~~
I
-~~-~-I MILITANT

I
I
I
I

: VEGETARIANS

:

:

:

I

..

I

'.

:

"The Rathskeller"

:

I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I

First Drink FREE w/ this coupon.
For11'1erly the LCC Slaughterhouse and the
24 year hideout of LCC's first Foodservice
Director, Bobbie Barfsalot. Located in the
Snack-Bar and now open for your drinki~g
and dancing pleasure.
,[/?.
Current or expired LCC ID required, ml;'lst
be over 21.
-.

I
I
I
I
I
I
I

I

Thursday is Ghouls night out.

!.

,'

L-------------------

:

.J

Remnants of first Food
Service manager found
knocking a hole in the masonry
and descending the ancient blood
The first Foodservice Di- soaked stairs, Wychules found
rector of LCC was discovered in Barfsalot and learned his hideous
a subterranean chamber.
secret: That Barfsalot had been
Bobbie Barfsalot was dis- alive and trapped in that undercovered yesterday in an under- ground "Hell Hole" for the past
ground chamber that used to twenty-four years without anyhouse the slaughterhouse opera- one knowing he was alive.
• tionhere atLCC. Barfsalot, who
Barfsalot was rushed the
was originally hired to be the Student Health Services office,
first Foodservice director at after a quick stop for a double
LCC, never showed._up after his mocha latte at the new Espresso
first day of work and it was as- Corner, where he is still resting.
sumed that he just didn't like the
Reaction to the discovery of
job and quit.
Barfsalot has been mixed; PresiNow it appears that he was dent Ollie Wannabe was disknocked out and fell into the mayed to learn that Barfsalot
- slaughterhouse, beneath the was still on the payroll and that
kitchen of the LCC cafeteria. the college owed him millions
When he came to, the slaughter- of dolla rs, long-time LCC
house had been condemned and Foodservice employee Arlene
closed by a group of Militant Rickles remembered Barfsalot
Vegetarians who were very from his one and only day as
popular in those days.
Foodservice Director and says,
Barfsalot was discovered by "he's a real nice guy who got run
LCC's new Foodservice Direc- over by them screamin' MV's."
tor, Jim Wychules. "When I got Rickles adds, "He never had a
to a partially bricked-over iron chance."
gate that looked like the entry to
Current Foodservice Direcan 'Indiana Jones' movie," says tor Wychules plans on reopenWychules, "I began to get suspi- ing the slaughterhouse as the
"Rathskeller" for LCC student
cious."
The entrance was to the in- and staff, and B arfsalot will refamous LCC slaughterhouse, site turn to his chamber to tend bar.
of many a bloody ordeal for ani- Wychules notes, "Barfsalot will
mal and student alike. After receive a well earned raise."
BY JI~MY Y. CHEWLESS
because I chew more

Madame Qabbash, who bares a striking resemblence to "Sparky" Roberts, foret:asts
the monetary future of Loose Change College.

LCC president hires famous psychic
to analyze next year's budget
BY SEYA FOTUNA
staff astrologist
Loose Change College(LCC}
President Notu Muchcash announced today that he has hired
well-known psychic and mistress
of mystery, Madame Qabbash, as
budget analyst for the college.
Faced with massive budget
cuts proposed by the legislators in
the state's capitol, Sellem up the
River, Muchcash says he hopes
the Madame's mystic powers will
bring goodfortune to the college's
troubled cash flow.
Qabbash says that she feels
positive psychic energy surrounding the campus. " I see lots
of zeros in the future," she adds.
The Madame is a direct descendent of Bazha Balonni and
says she plans to consult Balonni
daily for help in sensing the aura
of the budget and to purge negative vibrations from the college
economy. She says, "There wtll
be change and spare change. The
forecast is rain, and every time it
rains, it rains pennies from
heaven."
Qabbash is originally from
Abonkistan. She attended Aura
and Karma University, graduat-

ing magna cum laudenum with a
DHP (definitely higher plane.)
LCC instructors and other
staff members have mixed reactions to the Madame's appointment. Bill E. Button, philosophy
instructor and noted authority on
oomphaloskepsis(contemplating
the navel) says, "I think therefore
I think. (I think.)" Button says he
will reserve further comments
until he hears from his inner child.
College employees at all
levels acknowledge a sense of
foreboding in light of recent
budget cuts and vague fiscal predictions.
English. teacher, Toby
Notobee, who claims he is the
reincarnation of William
Shakespeare, says, "If the college
cuts my salary any more, then I
will have to get me to a nunnery."
Custodian Gabby Logue is
writingabookaboutearlyOregon
pioneers and says he hopes that
Madame Qabbash will help him
contact early settlers for some
really great interviews.
When asked about how she
will handle budget deficits,
Qabbash says, "My dears, don't
l_isten to facts; they are as false as

my eyelashes. The remedy lies in
a new numerological reality,
which I'll create with a snap of
my fingers."
In addition, Madame
Qabbash will be available in the
counseling and advising departmentforcareerreadings.Shereads
palms, tea leaves, crystal balls,
eyeballs, neckties, credit cards or
whatever you have. Qabbash says
of her terrestial abilities, "It is
nothing when you have the gift, it
is like looking in the mirror. I see
all, I know all." She adds, "When
thinking about your career path
it"s wise to remember: Babaganoozh shnay ar-beeshi-noo,
koomno gittn 'bittn zobbo ahooga."
PresidentMuchcash says Deb
It and Man E. Loopholes will
assist the Madame in her quest to
balance the budget." I am very
confident that Madame Qabbash
will be able to save our assets."
Qabbash plans. to travel by
astral projection to economic
seminars all over the world. Her
office will be located in the Cosmic Central Building, Room 666,
on the 13th floor. She can be
reached by channeling ext. 9999.

Opinion

2

• Apri I 1 , 1993

,

SoN~A-

••
•••

!HL

~l'f'J

~r id

0(

To

re:
th
:::.• ,•.: :::::::::::: An ,t wh v : i 1;: · it th M :t htt'nPrft>ct . ~ma rt;;aa ss •resnonse ·toso

:~\ittt:::·:·:·.·:·.·.·. \\
ri{~hri~:f:) }{

-:••:=·:::::-::::: t::J.'IC:. .'t <UUL. UU.Wl&:::Cll:n'.Cl l'.'t .·.~UUH:;-' : LU :••YUU•:Ul•:• Llll:: :•:IIIIUUl~•: Vl::' ... ll'-:::11•;i..•• .. ... ... :....

J'¥ilVJf £Qij1~.£iif~Jl!lti§Wii!Wl~H{il,Y\i]!!h!}!)!iii'(fflfij •

i mt

; I

\\/ tWt$d.ri'tjiJ¢eth•: #~##llf h*YfJq\1;>.¢]>,1W~4.::i6:fayjy{}\#~I!fify{:w.6y/?/ I?

Jf~i~\i~~ffi\11:i~if~!~!f~ ~i!lif~If£,lmtYillllr11~1!il!i iii

writf

Ilfl~;ft~i1itiflitJ~~~6.i~~.ti°il~a]!~;~\k!l~~i~f11~ ! I

!iiili~,i~iti~i\li,1(!lii~I !l:~11!~W:~I~ \i
;~

J\ft<)fr(Jh¢irtHmU¢$$1$hiP.i<Uti8>:f:\l¢ipg)>.n8tjiJt/ciwo:I<irJIJ¢tf.irU)>> lJ\

note
top,

<>t

'Y

s

<
::>o"l\t'

<; a i

•

·1

... U

.ll,,.,1,,.,J. ._V'4LA-J

✓

late
tern.

Oh

:ed

51\;('.",,fto
'f
I
very
feel

<:: e"

public.
/
mail
rv a,.\"'~

_ .

3

\N /

!vio-

Mf

~~

eJ

;~: : o~:

u v 'l l-

"(

s; c_ f a..,~

I.:,

en't beat me

h

get be
.vearit I'll
"'.on't
\Ild

__J
n,y,-

or
mail and
hate
Sticks
Jls.
.akmybones
never hu~ me.

L

JU

-

~--c

could actually read this letter.
Actually when I think about it,
those guys at the Snooze will probably

Dear readers:
In response to those whose criticism
got to be a bit much, namely everyone, r
would like to say, get a life. Haven't you
got anything better to do than to go
around criticizing college newspapers?
A particular bright spot this year for
me was the "phantom editor" of the first
part offall term. For three weeks the
Torch received a copy of the paper with
disparaging remarks and incensed
exclamations about our journalistic
ethics marked in red. Though my staff

ii

this

•ro~w
I wish
r;-'o j I.Ai~ J"'(t.{ Je,, Y;nd
i' N +
CA N •,-- < ,f)M -e

Pick a party

il !lliii~iir;it]~J1~i~!l!11i!~l~~l~~!li~lJi i!li

/1\ Trq J l'fv 1

ON

l. tl c

prir

Y

r··o

,

letu
ont

dA.J

70 L.;;

t
\'\C{ I.if

/

)

V

I).

M

f /\J oT

WGI f !,c--, • <;c> rf Y1

N.

•

~ "C"

J l,</. i

Co\Jef

<; ~;~-TS,

~~ e
Y N
L\. •~ T,

~~

oN

'To
c9 f cl f

fV\DV ,·

~

~r ,· d'\ Y\c',N~a's,, So .t;oM,,-oN(:"

V\,,_s
IN

tv i

J;J

o

'--'~V(

I

'wof'\c

(?

m
<t
1;:; ::::::::

,,

Lqhl,.< TO
SV ~ M; T AN Y~i tv5 lo
Tu e A-~ ( il 's:ool s I $, <'., V \'.' '

Â¥-Â¥-~

•••••••••• •••••••••••••••• ······· ·················•·•·············t:ti<·<:::<<<><r<trt.. .

A ~,~1·d

\ No.,_,·,-

c.)QQG .,

TI
meant
simpl~
Luke':
for di1
fool's
bepu
see. l
most
have
to fig
you,
spen
term
out,

1
~

back you ll

.'!Il a worthwhile
;ood enough I'm
smart enough, ana dog gone it people
like me.
So there.
NyahNyah.
and I thought that some of the remarks
were a bit rude and uninformed, some
were perfectly legitimate and we were
dismayed that this person, who obviously
went to such trouble to mark up our
esteemed paper, didn't come forward and
join our staff.
.It has been a great source of personal
amusement to me to be labeled both a
conservative and a liberal by different
readers. I personally consider myself
T_urn to LETTERS
page 3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~- :;::.:::Jn\~:tpr~llis:a.~isTT1i11J8'¢a/si;ppJdj>

: fogft@r:m~~~:Pf giifbagfr41?Ii~ht;4)?xti

: ilie: giacifof.Goq( NeWi/s.torJifHir~<t

Editor ............. :........................ SPEEDY GoN2.\L,\S
Associate Editor ... ......... WOODWARD BERST'Eh .
Managing Editor·····························-· IKEN FuJFfTr

Production Manager ....... :...................... TRF.E FROG

Photo Editor ····························-·····PERRY MASON
A&E Editor .................................... BABE MAGNET

Sports Editor ............................................ Jo G< ITCH
Asst. Photo Editor ............................. DOUGLAS FIR
Di..;tribution Manager ....................... DODGE CULT
Advertising Manager ........................ FABBR! CAIB
Copy Key ............................................ STEVE

V OOEL

StaffMucot ........ COOGAN CHARLES SNOWT,:\LL
News, Editorial. Production, Photography, Inventory,

Purchase Order, Paperclip, Maintenance, Repair,
Thumbtar.lt, Old clwr, Organizaaon, Pct can:, Diet,
Exccrcile & Skin care Adv~or .............- .......................

... EUGENE'S TABLOID QUFEN
Prinlcr ............................... ~················ THE SNOOZE

\bum hi t/intended·to•Jrri tafoJn~Wi'.ricU8//.

•. c~lf$.tS<phcer1t.of.this s~J9.~Jn:Jj@J]/:
\: . ::J:§ritii ~u..tioni ·Vv.¥~/ s§H§.ii~4;: a\1/,.~Y \ . .

.~fi~t~ii~!i!t~~tit1t~it~il!i:

: §@#kif :aj{y/9:fJnt#1isi.ii:#irnrr1:C;t~t:·•·•·

ifiilii"lil i
ltllitii~iiif
:r~l9:11~~ ~!#i:i
i! ~il@l@~fiiffitR
1~®t1!tllilif~!l~!i~liJ~lli ·
1

ii/:

d

.,. ,. . ,,.".'·"'"' "' ••;,,,. ,,,,..... ..,, ..·.

I

AAAAAAH •
...

,.

PHOTO SUBMITTED BY DAVIDIAN MARRIAGE AND HUMAN RELATIONS
COUNSELORS UNITED -WACKO TEXAS

ASLCC P and VP end up in ICU.
. .. need we say more?

April 1, 1993

Arts & Entertainment

3

Soap ups
BY DAISY R. LIVES

These Ain't
My Kids
Luther finds out that Leona is pregnant for the seventh
time and tells his parole officer he is
leaving town. Bubba gets his G.E.D. after
·studying all night with is cousin Doreen who
used to be married to Bubba's half-brother. Cassy
makes Joe Bob choose between his Harley Davidson
and her. The Harley wins.
Coming: Luther gets stopped at the state line
and questioned for the robbery at the 7-11.

Another Planet
Chloe insists she was kidnapped by aliens from
Quartack. No one believes her but Tubar who
has noticed that her eyes roll back into her head when he
kisses her. Quark the IV finds a growth on his third
nose. Coming: Footprints in the
moon dust support the alien story.

AdNaus eum
Oh my God! Tara and her friends
get lost at the mall and don't know it. They find a shoe .
sale at the Patton Pump and then stock up on gel and
hair spray. It is totally rad.
Coming: The girls meet some bogus dudes
and some major fine hunks.

General
Confusion
Dr. Pursestrings performs an appendectomy on his long
lost daughter Small Change. He sudd~nly recognizes
her from the gall bladder scar on her stomach.
"I would recognize that incision anywhere," he says.
Nurse Nora Suture wonders if she can finish the surgery
in time for coffee break.
•
Coming: Tearful reunion in recovery room.

The Old and
the Lifeless
Helen gets a new pacemaker, and Joe gets a by-pass.
Mabel gets regular.
Rose discovers that Harry is having an affair with the
hostess at the smorgasbord restaurant, All the Slop You
Can Eat. On shrimp night, a scene erupts as Rose
confronts Harry and dumps tartar sauce on his head.
Coming: Can Harry get the ·stain out of his toupee?

·Not Landing
Here
A small cruise made up of Captain No Sense, his little
buddy Lost Again, Mary Me, Beauty Queen, Mr
Wizard,
the mad scientist, and Mr. and Mrs. Howling get
lost in the Pacific Ocean and miraculously survive
without extra toilet paper. After two weeks they land on
a deserted island and go into reruns.
Coming: The ladies make bras from coconut shells.

PHOTO BY PEOPLE UNITED AGAINST THE NAME RALPH

Working out a bug
ASLCC Advisor Greg Delf nods off as 1991 Tacky Tie Winner R. Peterson
explains his latest money swindling proposal. Unfortunately , Peterson's
speech was cut short by a fly which happened to lodge itself in his throat at
a key point in his presentation.

,QQQQQQ~QQQQ QQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQ QQQ~

t
t

~

LETTERScontinued frompage2

neither as I wouldn't want to
i) be associated with either
t:'\ group.In my mind I don't
.., think that there is enough
i) difference between the
i) democrats and the republii) cans to convince me that I
i) should mark either on my
i) voter registration. I picked
i) my party by the old elemeni) tary school game, eenyi) meeny-miney-moe, because I
i) di? w~t to vote in the
i) pnmanes.
Anyway, keep writing
i)
and read the Torch. It looks
~ ~st stuffed in the se~t cover
.., dispensers of the ladies
i) bathroom, but that's another
i) story.
-The editor
i)

~
wind is not, I repeat not,
Hey, it's me again. That's
blowing in your face. If this
right I'm back.
is not carefully avoided, you ~
My best friend and I were
..,
will find that the mace is
out walking late last night. We
blown back at you, and this i)
both had our mace on us, and
we were concerned that it would does not serve any construe- i)
i)
really work. So, we tested it. On tive purpose.
• If you are going to test i)
a survey, based on several local
i)
your mace on those not
bums, we determined that the
i)
recomwe
you,
attacking
eceff
quite
indeed
mace was
i)
mend that you have the
tive. I highly recommend
element of surprise on your i)
purchasing some if you plan to
i)
side and that you have a
be walking late at night.
i)
good pair of running shoes
Some things you should
on, as well as friends in high i)
remember are:
places.
• When you aim the mace,
n n n n n n n n ~
mak~ St_rre you are going to hit O n
the v1cums eyes. We found that•'-~'-'-'-'-'-'- '-'- \all!
spraying the victims mouth wa5i)
Recycle ...
i)
only half as effective.
because if you
• Always stand so that the i)
don't you'll be very
i)

i>
8~Q~QQQQQQG )QQQQQ ~QQQQQ~

very sorry

Sports & Fitness

4

, >,,~¾~
.
~

April 1, 1993

* *Podunk
. * \Jlghschool
*
*
South
sends 'reach for the Stars'
athlete to LCC's Titans*

·•,.,.

, •>. •'. -~: '.): ::-r

*

*

~

-

*

EIGHT-FOOT tall addition
to team gives the extra
advantage needed.

FILE PHOTO FROM COOGAN'S SCHOOL OF DROOL AND SNOT

Nasal Passage proves that the sinus pressures of competition
are nothing to sneeze at.

Nose-Pickers blow
championship compettion
to compete due to a broken finger.
"Practices have been stuffy and
In the final moments of competi- plugged up, and pickings have been
tion, LCC's star nose picker, Nasal
sparse," he says.
Passage, fouled out by using his
In 1991 LCC's team brought
handkerchief. He had already been home the coveted Snozman Trophy.
cited two times for using the sleeve of This year was the closest swipe they·
his shirt. "I thought I could pull it off, had at making it all the way to the top.
but in the end I threw it away," PasSnot says he believes the team
sage says.
will comeback strong next year. "We
LCC Coach Run E. Snot says the just have to work on our dig ins and
tighten up the pass offs. You '11 see
team has been plagued with a booger
of a season. Another of the team's _ next year we will have the other teams
starters, Mucus Membrane was unable
eating out of our hands."
BY JOCK ITCH

sports editor

Classyfied

4
CLASSYFIED ADS ARE FREE
to LCC janitorial crew, 15 word
minimum, and will be· gleefully
stuck to a defunct light table. All
other ads are 15 cents per syllable
per issue, paid in Swiss Francs or
the equivalent in partially-dig~sted
Sausages. The TORCH Advertising Assistant reserves the right
to run naked through the Forum
building whenever she feels the
need. All ads will probably go as
unnoticed as the rest of this rag,
but since nobody reads this box
either I'll stop babbling & get back
to my sleazy SF novel. Ciao.
AUTOS
ABSOLUTELY NO EMISSIONS! Bottomless, engineless
car with two bucket seats and three
wheels for sale. Travel secure in
the knowledge that you're doing
your part to protect the atmosphere. $900 OBO. 555-9552.

FOR SALE
AUTHENTIC OWL PELLETS:
Glean valuable scientific knowledge from this environmentally
sound snack treat. Call 555-1753
for a free brochure.

WANTED
FULLFRONTALLOBOTOMY.
Contact Sarah A.S.A.P. at The
Torch, ext. 2654.

FREE
FREE PIZZA on We~nesd~y
nights -Come be a Torch1e! Gam
experience, prestige, and the warm
tingly feeling that one can only
get.from helping their fellow man.
Stop by CEN 204 or call us at ext.
2014.

FOR RENT

*

championship game. This championship gave them a berth in the High
School Women's International Basketball Tournament of Developing
Countries. In this International TourBYGEORGESTARBLOCKER nament South Podunk was lead by
lkandunketo a second.place finish in
sports jockey
If you are walking around the PE this 24 country, 48 team tournament.
building, and you see a man .with a In this tournament, lkandunke was
big smile who does not seem to have named to the All Tournament Team,
a care in the world, it is probably the and was named MAB (Most AweLady Titans Head Coach Zane Lose. some Broad) of the tournament.
Ikandunke
The smile is not
would have gone
because he just
"I pick Lane because two to a major college
had a delicious
this year but she
and nutritious
reasons, the sexy boys on
only scored 710
meal at the LCC
varsity basketball team,
on her SAT tests
cafeteria, it's
and all great night stuff
and had a GPA of
probably be1. 99 at South
cause of his new
people can do in Eugene
Podunk. There
recruit - eight
and Springfield."
where three comfoot
tall
munity colleges
Lukatmie
that
Ikandunke
considered,
Ikandunke.
U
nderbride
Community
College in
Ikandunke who played basketball for South Podunk High School Montana, Allcomers CC in Maine
last year in Slohbobia, decided to and Lane. When asked why she pick
play basketball in the United States Lane, lkandunke said, "I pick Lane
this year because in Slohbobia they because two reasons, the sexy boys
. play basketball with an extremely on varsity basketball team, and all
large ball in comparison to the regu- great night stuff people can do in
lation size international basketball. Eugene and Springfield."
"I am not sure if she will start
Last year lkandunke played in every
game of Podunk's 73 game schedule next season, but she should get her
averaging 65.4 points·32.1 rebounds share of playing time," says coach
21.0 blocks and 7.6 assists a game. Lose. Lose received a telegraph froin
She also set the world single game lkandunke in which she confirmed
scoring record with a 185 point out- the rumors that she had decided to
ing against the Southwest Eastcoast come to Lane next year.
"If you think we were good this
Lady Kimono Dragons.
The South Podunk Soaring year, just wait till next year, when the
Slohbobians won the Slohbobia Na- competition will have to be ducking
tional Basketball Tournament, with for cover after the Titan's new player
Ikandunke scoring 124 points in the shoots."
â– 

ROOMY SIDE POCKET in ugly
green backpack. Sturdy zipper,
Old bus transfer, some crumbs
included. $250/mo plus utilities.
555-0940.

EVENTS
NAIL FUNGUS AWARENESS
DAY - Friday, April 2nd in the
Cafeteria. Bring your children!
Contact OSBLIRG for details.
THE MARSHALL'S PANTS LIVE 'in the parking lot of the
Hwy 99 Frice Choppah. April
37th, 8:30 p.m. Tickets $1.50.
SponsoredbytheEMOOCultural
Forum.
-::.,___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __
HARRY ARMPITS INFEST
EUGENE - Yes, the Harry Armpits ~and visits Eugene at the
Veteran's Armory Palace on 4077
St. The person who dials this phone
number the first and second time
gets free tickets.

April 1, 1993
MESSAGES
No, really, wrap it in fish.
Eric - you are one warped individual. Love, S.
KAY: I really like you. Let's meet
at the Raths,keller tomorrow nite.
- Woodward.
BABE MAGNET: I do believe in
your mystical drum beats. Come
over and let's play those skins.Stacey Sohorne.
MICHEAL JACKSON: Let's talk
about sex ... Do you get any? Salt-N-Papa
WOODWARD: okay, but I won't
wear your gothic necklace for the
opening ceremonies. - Kay.
LCC STUDENTS: There's a free
raffle for the all misinformed students about this issue. ALSCC

has info. on it. If you haven't figured out yet, this is an April Fool
on you.
KAY AND WOODWARD: Hope
to see you at the Rathskeller. Pres. Clint.

"DISCOVERY1'
SUPPORT GROUP
FOR THE .

SMELLINGIMPAIRED
Tired of people ins isling thal
you snljf the ir espresso?
The nose is the most overra ted
organ in the history of the Western
World . Learn how to .develop your
oth er senses a n d s mell from within.
COME S HARE WITH OTH ERS
WHO HAVE RECAPTURED THE
FRAGRANT FEEL OF THE
PACIFIC NORTHWEST.
Mondays (Spring Tenn)
1:00-2 :50 A.M. Apr 420
This week's topic: Olfactory discrimination
in the workplace
Spons ored by

the LCC Foundation for Aromatic Equality